sugar_and_spice Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think that it is important for the baby to have a loving adult take care of him/her , ie mum, dad, grandpa, granny, uncle, aunt. Did I leave anyone out?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 What's wrong with childcare? I'm not a fan of daycare centers, some are very expensive. And to hire a private babysitter would be even more money. I'd rather stay at home with my chidren while they are really young and then maybe work part time at an outpatient clinic or something.
james123 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I'm not a fan of daycare centers, some are very expensive. And to hire a private babysitter would be even more money. I'd rather stay at home with my chidren while they are really young and then maybe work part time at an outpatient clinic or something. Ah ok. Was only asking because a couple of my friends' kids either went to daycare centers or had a babysitter, all seem to be turning out fine.
blind_otter Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 well my child is my primary concern too. Just because I'm working doesn't mean I'm a bad mum. Anyway, yeah, babysitters are way too expensive. So my parents took care of my baby while I was at work, and still do, and my ex wants nothing to do with our child. I didn't mean to insinuate that you are a bad mother, I don't know where I said that. I meant, my primary concern is my child - not keeping house, though I do that as well. The term "housewife" seems to emphasize the "house" part and doesn't really mention the whole childcare aspect. JMO, don't get all upset. I just didn't want to miss out on hanging with the most important person in my life. Some people think its all poopy diapers and naps, but it's so much more than that. Especially during these months when infants learn SO MUCH every day. Honestly, I worry about this. I don't want to be a SAHM (I'd go crazy), and yet I don't want to be a full-time, balls-to-the-wall litigator at the same time as being a mother of young children (I'd be overwhelmed!). I'm worried I'll never find the balance. I swore up, down, and all around that I would NEVER be a SAHM. I didn't think I could handle it, either - the intellectual stimulation thing, the lack of external structure, the constant needy helplessness of an infant. I didn't think I could handle it, mentally. But when I gave birth, something fundamental changed about my personality and my mentality. I suddenly became this crazed mom-type person. I don't know how this happened because I was NOT like this, even when I was pregnant. Ah ok. Was only asking because a couple of my friends' kids either went to daycare centers or had a babysitter, all seem to be turning out fine. Well, IME, kids can handle a lot of crap and still turn out relatively OK. I mean, I know two kids who were abused at their daycare centers when they were both under 1 year of age - one was 4 months, the other was 11 months. They are both around age 10 now, and are fine as far as I can see. They were taken out of their respective daycares as soon as their parents discovered the bruises or bad conditions.... But every daycare I visited was too dirty, too full of children, the daycare workers looked too apathetic or bored, or they were too far away from me. Hiring a nanny was too expensive for me - after I figured out how much it would cost to work and hire a nanny, I would have been taking home about $300/month. Not worth it.
james123 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 But every daycare I visited was too dirty, too full of children, the daycare workers looked too apathetic or bored, or they were too far away from me. Hiring a nanny was too expensive for me - after I figured out how much it would cost to work and hire a nanny, I would have been taking home about $300/month. Not worth it. Well, certainly the center that my godson(mate's son) goes to is not anything like that it's pretty good, and yep, the other friend's son has a nanny, that works out best for everyone and is most convenient, though it definitely is expensive.
porter218 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It's funny, next to this comment your baby looks like he has an evil grin on his face... lol. Yeah, she is probably thinking " I will make sure mommy never sees those days again...mwah ha ha ha" Well, IME, kids can handle a lot of crap and still turn out relatively OK. I mean, I know two kids who were abused at their daycare centers when they were both under 1 year of age - one was 4 months, the other was 11 months. They are both around age 10 now, and are fine as far as I can see. They were taken out of their respective daycares as soon as their parents discovered the bruises or bad conditions.... That is really scary. I have always been paranoid of something like this happening. I just don't think I could relax when I have no familial tie to the people caring for my children.
FlyingToaster Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I had every intention of going back to work after I had my son. I had 12 weeks off and we had a daycare set up about 4-5 months before he was born. But, I just couldn't do it. As the weeks ticked off I got more and more anxious about leaving my son with other people. I had heard good things about the daycare, but I also know that there isn't a lot of 1-on-1 time with the children. My mother used to be the assistant director of a daycare and she had to always get after some of the workers because they'd rather sit and chat instead of interacting with the kids. Anyway, my H and I talked it over and I ended up not returning to work. I have no regrets. Yes, I do miss having more adult conversations, but as our DS gets older, those will come. Besides, with the job I had, the conversations with those adults weren't all that stimulating anyway. I've also found that my DS helps me to learn as well. I'm always observing him and trying to figure out ways of stimulating his brain. Our house isn't immaculate, but it's clean. Like others, I'd much rather spend the time with my DS. I can get some of those things done while he's sleeping. I've definitely improved on my multi-tasking skills as well. When I told my employer I was quitting to stay at home, she was very happy for me. As I said good-bye to all the people I worked with, they were all very envious and wished me well. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you're able to find a good balance. Take care.
Touche Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I don't really care what I'm called (within reason of course!) SAHM, housewife..who cares? Bottom line is I take care of my family. I did go back to work when our son was about 4 but then left work when he was 7. I've never regretted that decision. For us, it was the right thing to do. As of the last two years I've been running my H's office but I get to work out of the house mostly. When I do go in to the office, I do it while our son is in school and I'm home before he is 99% of the time. It's an individual choice really. I just found it nearly impossible to balance career/motherhood. One or the other always suffered and I'd rather do one thing well than two things not so well. The demands of a full-time (very stressful job) left me wrung out at the end of the day. I always felt guilty that I wasn't giving our son what he needed.
fral945 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Not a problem IMO if that's what you want. I hope to have kids one day and would like to find a woman that would be interested in staying home with the kid or kids (at least in the early years). My mom was a working mom. My brothers and I all turned out ok, but she had a lot of help (my half-brother is 8 yrs older and babysitted me and my younger brother, all my grandparents were alive and helped out, we had babysitters, etc.). I’d say if you have a good family unit nearby working full-time it is possible. But even with all the help I think it would be difficult to balance your work and family. One usually will suffer. I know my mom got burned out from us. She ended up taking a year or two sabbatical during my childhood because (as she said later) she was stressed out with the demands of us and the increasing responsibilities she had at work. And we were the good kids. Just imagine if we had been troublemakers.
annieo Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I was home with my kids until my son was in kindergarten, and I am so glad that I had that opportunity. To be with them, watch them grow, take them to that park and just hang out for the afternoon, be there for the first steps and words, all that good stuff. It would have killed me to have heard about all these milestones from a caregiver. I had quite a few SAHM friends, so I never got too lonely or starved for adult company. And we helped each other out, like when my son was in week 4 of extreme colic and my buddy came over with her little ones so I could get out of the house and have a breather. My kids are older now (12 and 14) and I look back on those days wistfully. There were some times when it was tough and people don't always have huge respect for what you've chosen to do, but it worked really well for us.
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I stayed home with my children until they were in school full time, then I went to work outside the house. I don't like the term housewife. It sounds so early 40's or 50's. I was a family manager:). That job entailed taking care of my children and all their needs, taking care of the house, shopping, cleaning, yard work, appointments, play dates, making and maintaining a family budget, planning family entertainment. Shopping for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, showers, teachers. Being room mom, basketball coach and the house where the other kids crashed. I couldn't wait to go back to work, so I could rest.
mopar crazy Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I've been on both sides of the fence, a FT working mom and a SAHM. I would rather be a SAHM. I put my first child in DC for about a year and hated it. I hated that someone else was taking care of my child while I went to work. I wanted to be the one to stay home and raise him, watch him grow. It tore my heart in two when his DCP told me she seen him take a couple of steps that day. She was the one that got to see his first steps, not me. After I found out I was pregnant w/ my second child I worked FT until a month b4 she was due. I quit my job and never regretted it. I opened up a small, licensed in-home daycare to make ends meet. Just watching four children I made more than what I did working and I was able to stay home. My kids are teenagers now so I do work outside of the home and my house suffers b/c of it. By the time I get home I'm too exhausted to do much. When I was running my DC I always kept my house cleaned while the children were napping. There is no reason for me to be a SAHM anymore but I sure did miss it. If I could find a decent job working from home I would rather do that. I like my present job, I just would rather be home working.
Lishy Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I have quite strong opinions on this matter I see parenting as the most important job you will ever do and I think to have children and palm them off in a daycare centre is atrocious. I think you need to be at home for the first 5 years and then work around school time so they are taken to school and picked up by mum or dad or a family member. It is so important for kids to have stability. My friend is a child minder and she looks after these kids whose mum knocks one out after another and spend 2 hours a day with them! She even gets them looked after at the weekends so she can go out and even some weekday evenings! The dad is in the army and living all over the world and I think it is disgusting. Her 3 kids hardly see their mum. I belive you should only have kids if you have time for them and if you despise the thought of being a SAHM then do kids a favour and dont have any! I stayed at home with my son until he was 6 and only worked full time when his nan could look after him as she loved him as much as me
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 As many of you know, I was essentially raised by my grammy, who lived with us since I was 2.5. My single-parent mom was the breadwinner, filling the traditional male role, while my grammy stayed home and took care of me and the home. My mom (and I!) really lucked out in this regard. While I didn't have a father AND a mother, I always felt like I had two parents. I'm secretly hoping that whomever I marry and having babies (baby?) with with have a mother very closeby who would want to share a lot of the caretaking with my own mother. I'd have no problem with leaving my children with their grandmother while I went off to work.
Lishy Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I too would have no problem leaving my child with a loving grandparent who had the same values in raising a child. I would not, however, do this in the first 5 years for long periods of time as you will never get that special time back. Seeing your child smile, crawl, walk, talk etc for the first time is a one off and the best feeling in the world!
jerbear Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Taking 2-3 years off your own career can be hard. Parenting is not an easy job. Not all kids are the same, your own kid may not need a SAHM or might be a needy "helicopter kid." I was a latchkey kid and I think I did ok. Some people have the means to have a SAHM/househusband arrangement while some may not. To each their own. Kids are more resilient than most people think. SG's younger life is almost the same as mine. I was raised by my grandmother since I was born. I'm very close to my mom and grandmother. My dad on the other hand was really never around, I'll just leave it at he had OW. I'm grateful that my parents would help take care of their grandkids. As other posters, TBF, PP, etc... have mentioned they could not be a SAHM. Being a guy and on how I was raised. I would not want a SAHM or be a househusband (ok maybe not 9-5, 5 days a week; I'll work from home certain days) A SAHM or being a househusband will drive me insane. For me, I would take advantage of alternative work arrangements and Family Medical Leave (FMLA). There is only so much a guy could do during the first few weeks. The baby clings to mom more than dad. It is not like I can breastfeed. I would take my paternal leave after wifey takes her maternal leave. It is not like you need both parents plus inlaws all essentially doing the same thing. Not like we need 4 people to feed or bath the baby. Spread the help out.
Trialbyfire Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 We not only have maternity leave in Canada, we have paternity leave. You have the choice of both parents staying home for x number of weeks or adding it to the end of the mother's maternity leave. I don't know all the details or even the length of maternity which was 6 months, then upped to a year. I don't know how long it is anymore, since having kids isn't my current focus. Each couple has to decide what works for both of them. To force one or the other partner to do what they don't want to do, just adds to marital/relationship stress. If a woman wants to be a SAHM, choose a traditional man or it's going to become a point of contention, somewhere down the line.
Lishy Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 The most important thing about having a child is picking a father who is on the same page as you regarding child rearing. If not then you are in trouble! I know I would not have had it any other way than to be a SAHM and it was fine as his dad felt the same, if he hadnt we would have had trouble as I know I felt so strongly about it I would not have budged.
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I have quite strong opinions on this matter I see parenting as the most important job you will ever do and I think to have children and palm them off in a daycare centre is atrocious. I think you need to be at home for the first 5 years and then work around school time so they are taken to school and picked up by mum or dad or a family member. It is so important for kids to have stability. My friend is a child minder and she looks after these kids whose mum knocks one out after another and spend 2 hours a day with them! She even gets them looked after at the weekends so she can go out and even some weekday evenings! The dad is in the army and living all over the world and I think it is disgusting. Her 3 kids hardly see their mum. I belive you should only have kids if you have time for them and if you despise the thought of being a SAHM then do kids a favour and dont have any! I stayed at home with my son until he was 6 and only worked full time when his nan could look after him as she loved him as much as me Wow, you do have definate opinions. Those are ideals that can't happen for every parent. I don't think it means you shouldn't ever have a job if you can't afford to stay home with them five or more years. My mom worked full time and we always knew we were loved and she expected our best. My dad supported whatever rules she laid down and neither of them was able to stay home full time. But I think we turned out pretty damn good:D. But it was a different time.
Lishy Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Bent, it is just my personal opinion and I know many people who turned out just great and their parents worked. I am not saying I would berate anyone for not staying at home, it is just my own ideals that I believe in. I was lucky to be able to afford to stay at home I guess but even if I hadnt been I would have still done it. Being there is more important to me than money.
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Bent, it is just my personal opinion and I know many people who turned out just great and their parents worked. I am not saying I would berate anyone for not staying at home, it is just my own ideals that I believe in. I was lucky to be able to afford to stay at home I guess but even if I hadnt been I would have still done it. Being there is more important to me than money. I also was blessed enough to stay home. At the time Mr. Messy was doing quite well. And yes, you should have an opinion and the conviction to stick to it.
NoIDidn't Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Boy do I HATE the term "housewife". It makes me sound like my H keeps me in the house involuntarily. That would never happen. I wouldn't even trust my family members with my kids. Sorry, but life experiences have shown me that automatically trusting family can backfire in very damaging ways to the kids. Kids aren't as resilient as people tend to think. Sure they keep going, just like the rest of us. But that doesn't mean that they haven't had a trauma that will mean lots of therapy when they become teens/adults. I stay home for my kids. My H is a grown man that can take care of his basic needs himself. My kids on the other hand, almost burned down the house making toast.
Eve Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 With my first child I became bored of being at home after 6 weeks. I was very young though so I began what turned out to be a really good career. By the time I had my second child I was ready to try something new so stayed at home with both children and made plans that would enable me to start in a completely new field. Mainly I wanted to make sure that my eldest settled into school well. There are differences between both of my children which I think has come about from my presence/lack of presence within their formative years. The first, who was looked after by a wonderful Irish lady is very independant. My second born is not at all independant. I think this is because she nearly always had me two feet away! Still she is the most sensitive and creative of the two. I dont think you will know what suits you and the child until you try it. Staying at home can be great. Still I remember times when I cried because I was so bored. As with everything balance counts. For many finances dictate everything though. .. but I would say that staying at home was the more difficult of the two roles for me. Regards, Eve xx
carhill Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Irrespective of non-planned pregnancies, I'm curious as to why someone who doesn't want to actively and continuously care for and nurture a young mind and body would even consider having a child. What purpose does that act serve? What benefit results? Note my question is gender-neutral. In our case, I had set my business up to be a SAHD and I would've been the "custodial" parent. I had a great role model for that job FWIW, women gave up careers to be "housewives", even in the dark ages prior to "workplace equality". My mother was one of them. It was a decision she and my dad made together. She made a good living but thought it better to nurture that young crazed mind which would become carhill
Trialbyfire Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 It makes sense that people who feel strongly about staying home with their children, will stay home unless necessity breeds otherwise. Same goes for people who don't choose to stay home and can find viable and sometimes even better forms of childcare, in that only children are better socialized in a group environment during the daytime and at night, cherished by their parents. I've seen the positive results of both scenarios and choose to entrust any potential future children of mine, to either a combined self-employment scenario/nanny or to entrust my potential future children to my parents who have a kick-ass parenting style. Btw Eve, all my friends first and second children are very different, regardless of SAHM scenario or working mothers. The oldest ones are independent and the younger children are more clingy. I think it more the state of the parents, in that the first child is raised by the book and the second child tends to have a more relaxed atmosphere.
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