Beautifully Broken Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 My bf(23) and I(27) have been together for 2 yrs now. For this whole time he has been a pathological liar. He lies about stupid little things, to big things. Some of the bigger lies have been told because he knew I would have flipped out about because of my jealously etc. Now I know what most of you will say. I should leave him bc the trust isnt there, but I love him more than anyone I have ever been with, and cant see myself with anyone else. I cant just get rid of him like nothing. Too much time and too much love has been invested. I dont think I have a question here, but more to vent. I'm aware that is going to sound ridiculous, but since i've put up with the lies for 2 yrs, why would it be any different now..There is more good than bad. I dont know, im just very confused as you could tell.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 My bf(23) and I(27) have been together for 2 yrs now. For this whole time he has been a pathological liar. ........I love him more than anyone I have ever been with, and cant see myself with anyone else. I cant just get rid of him like nothing. Too much time and too much love has been invested. Rubbish. people have walked out of 10, 15, 20 year relationships...... since i've put up with the lies for 2 yrs, why would it be any different now..There is more good than bad. I dont know, im just very confused as you could tell. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1354391#post1354391 Same guy, huh? Yep. You're very definitely addicted, I'd say. This is potentially extremely destructive. It's not love, because he disrespects you. There again, you disrespect yourself, So why should he be any different?
Author Beautifully Broken Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 He lies to everyone though, not only me..not that it makes it any better. So because he lies to everyone, somehow I think that bc its also done to me, that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me..I really think he has a legit problem. I want him to get into therapy. He told me he lies bc hes afraid of confrontation, and I understand that. I also dont make it any easier. I tend to get mad and jealous if he talks to girl friends, so therefor he keeps it from me. I think we are both part of the problem. I just dont know the solution.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 He lies to everyone though, not only me..not that it makes it any better. It also makes it irrelevant. What does matter is that you forgive him, again, and again, and again. That makes you a doormat, because he knows he doesn't need to stop. Why should he even try? You'll always be there, to forgive him, again, and again, and again. What he needs to motivate him to do anything, is a good ol'fashioned threat. That isn't empty, hollow or false. So because he lies to everyone, somehow I think that bc its also done to me, that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me..I really think he has a legit problem. He doesn't see it that way, because nobody's actually made him do anything about it. But he's got to want to. So far? No motivation. I want him to get into therapy. He told me he lies bc hes afraid of confrontation, and I understand that. That by the way, is also a Lie. Lies bring about confrontation. They also create mistrust, and suspicion. he lies because he can't tell the truth. It's a low-self-esteem thing. I also dont make it any easier. I tend to get mad and jealous if he talks to girl friends, so therefor he keeps it from me. I think we are both part of the problem. I just dont know the solution. Your jealousy is a separate issue. One you need to work with. But you make it easier because you let him lie. You both need counselling.
Author Beautifully Broken Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I know im a doormat right now. But it is BEYOND HARD for me to just up & leave him. I cant find the strength. I stay with him & forgive him time after time bc I still have hope that he will one day change. Ive been in therapy many times for personal issues, and im in the process of returning. As for him, I have yet to bring it up to him.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I know im a doormat right now. So presumably you intend to stop being a doormat at some point in the future? because if you don't intend to do something, then you are - and always will be - the doormat. You're happy with this, are you? But it is BEYOND HARD for me to just up & leave him. I cant find the strength. No, you don't want to find the strength, because you're addicted to the relationship. Believe me, this isn't Love. it's co-dependency. You need one another, because you are as bad as each other. And in the state you are both in, anyone else would be insane to take you on. Well, they would, wouldn't they? I stay with him & forgive him time after time bc I still have hope that he will one day change. Oh my Goodness. Words fail me. Or rather, they don't..... You should hear what I'm screaming at my PC right now, but I can't write it, I'd be banned in seconds. let me try to write this as coherently as I can and politely as I can. You are something else. HE WILL NEVER, EVER CHANGE. HE DOESN'T WANT TO, HE DOESN'T NEED TO AND HE HAS NO REASON TO. He has to want to do this for himself, and he never will because the alternative is so much easier and rewarding. Ive been in therapy many times for personal issues, and im in the process of returning. As for him, I have yet to bring it up to him. Therapy hasn't worked in the past, and it won't work for you now. Why? Because you won't move on. You refuse to move on, and are actually quite content to stay exactly where you are, because it's easier. This is also why you haven't mentioned or brought it up with him. You're not willing to do so, because he could change. Then where would you be? You're stuck in an abusive relationship, and have become so dependent on it you actually believe you will disintegrate if you leave it. Save your money and your therapist's time. Enjoy.
Author Beautifully Broken Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I came on here to vent & get some outside opinions. I dont need your attitude or rudeness. Im something else because I am in love with someone and forgive them for making mistakes, holding on to hope that they will change? OK. If I am not mistaken, that isnt unheard of. Its easy for you to say all that stuff because you are on the outside & not in my situation. I may be "dumb" for staying with him, but I dont deserve to be bashed in such a way.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I came on here to vent & get some outside opinions. I dont need your attitude or rudeness. Im something else because I am in love with someone and forgive them for making mistakes, holding on to hope that they will change? OK. If I am not mistaken, that isnt unheard of. Its easy for you to say all that stuff because you are on the outside & not in my situation. I may be "dumb" for staying with him, but I dont deserve to be bashed in such a way. GOOOOOOD!! A REACTION!! That's what I was trying to wake up in you!! let me ask you a question now: if you can get so riled after a few posts, and at something which frankly, is HONEST - Why can't you get this riled up at something which is a perpetual stream of lies!? First of all, however you want to define it, I too have had my "situations". Not identical to yours maybe - but still something it took me 5 years to recognise!! So I have been where you are sitting. IN Denial. Which as they say, "Ain't a river in Egypt Honey!" Secondly, I have had to deal with situations such as this one whilst I studied Counselling. So I have a few experiences such as yours to reference. They all boil down to the same thing. Neediness and lack of self-worth. I wasn't bashing you. If I had been, I would just have insulted you without any constructive comments. What I wanted to do was to give you a bit of a wake-up call, and get your dander rising. Which I did. So now you're good and angry, tell me why you're really angry. Yes, you might be mad and me, granted, I can take that. But you should also be angry that he helps to keep you where you are!!
AlektraClementine Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 there are some real know it alls on this site. Why are some of you folks so darned rude and pompous?
Author Beautifully Broken Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Funny, I thought to myself that that was what you were doing. Good play... Im angry at... myself for letting him continue to do this for not being stronger, not having more self esteem and a feel of self worth for staying with him after he lied the very first time not being able to say I am better than this and deserve better letting myself get lost in this relationship him not being honest Theres more I just cant think of at the moment.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Thank you! I'm glad you see it that way, and I'm grateful to you for stepping up to the plate, good on you..... Never mind 'more'.... What are you going to do about this list so far - ?
wuggle Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 there are some real know it alls on this site. Why are some of you folks so darned rude and pompous? I didn't think Geisha was being that rude or pompous, The OP came on here for advice and got some good stuff, which I agree with. If the bloke is constantly lying, you cant just continue to base a relationship on that no matter how much you love him. Trust me I'm all for forgiving and giving people another chance but common sense has to prevail. Can you see yourself in exactly the same situation in 20 years time ? - something has to change - either you get him to stop lying all the time or you leave. After a few more years of this your love will be eroded.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 And I really was doing it to get some kind of a reaction. Which for once, worked. And I do commend the OP for grabbing it positively.
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 And I really was doing it to get some kind of a reaction. Which for once, worked. And I do commend the OP for grabbing it positively. The smart ones usually pick up on that and use it positively. Good job, G.
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