Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hiya guys I have a lil' question to ask ....... I seem to be surrounded by good friends who have all met a new boyfriend within the last few months and every one of them have jumped in at the deep end from the off ... I have been guilty of doing this in the past and I am currently single and not ready for a new guy so I can see things very much from the outside. I will give you an example. One friend has been single after a long list of failed relationships and she has met this guy who (to me) is waving some pretty big red flags but she does not see them, I dont want to burst her bubble so I have stayed quiet and I hope I am wrong. She has told me and others that she has met 'the one' and even though they have only been together a short while she is talking long term and has from day one. Another friend met a guy and from the day she met him, she moved him into her house. He is waving the biggest and reddest flags I have ever seen and even though she see's them (she told me) he remains in her house where her kids live! Again I have said nothing and will be here if she needs me My question is, is it wise to jump straight in and invest so early when you do not even know the person or is it best to sit back and see who the person really is AND can we actually control these emotions? Is it desperation that makes us jump straight in and see a guy as the best thing since sliced bread? Is it an age related thing? This is just a general question, I told you about my friends situations just as an example.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 From my experience, h3ll no it's not wise! I think sometimes we want so much to have a long term relationship, we overlook the big huge flags flapping in our faces. We fall in love, not with the person, but with having a relationship. We don't realize we make changes that we shouldn't, and think that it's what we want, even though it's not good for us.
Author Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Hi DG! But do we have a choice? When we meet that guy who sweeps us off our feet do we have the option of holding back and not getting too excited? I have noticed that many people we meet are not the people we thought they were when we really get to know them.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey Lishy We always have a choice, but we don't always look at our choices. It's kind of like when we daydream, we think of the brightest, happiest scene in our head, it's the easier choice, because we don't want to be alone for the rest of our lives. Some people sacrifice their own happiness and well being in order to fill that void that we so long wish to fill.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Lishy, I'm learning a different balance. In my current situation, I'm receptive and having a great time with a great guy, but aren't going to jump in with both feet until I get to know him better. It's a weird form of compartmentalization, where I can pull at any time but feel that I won't need to. If it doesn't work out, that's okay. If it works out, that's even better! I think people can self-prophesize the failure of any relationship, by acting on that negativity, consciously or subconsciously. Having said all that, you also have to take into consideration that you and your friends are different people. What one considers red flags, the other might consider appealing or necessary traits. For example, I'm possessive of my man and expect the same in return. I don't share. Someone who wants to play the field, keeping his options open, would consider this a red flag.
rod_in_gtown Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 A couple of months ago I would've said "take it slow", but then JillyBean gave me the most sage piece of advise I believe I have heard in a long time. She said, "go into a relationship in at 100% because if you go in 50%, when you get hurt it still hurts 100%". I believe there's a difference between cautious and being afraid of intimacy.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 A couple of months ago I would've said "take it slow", but then JillyBean gave me the most sage piece of advise I believe I have heard in a long time. She said, "go into a relationship in at 100% because if you go in 50%, when you get hurt it still hurts 100%". I believe there's a difference between cautious and being afraid of intimacy. You can go into a relationship with 100% - but that doesn't mean you have to move in with them right away! I think by rushing things, you're asking to get hurt 100%
Zorie Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I've seen this happen with my friends as well I think depending on the persons situation and past history sometime when people want so badly to be in a relationship they "give up" and settle I know I've been guilty of it myself and it caused me a failed marriage. I think alot of people that do this have a lot of personal growth to work on before they can find someone that is truly right for them without the need to jump in this way (things would progress much more naturally). These people also seem to go from one bad relationship to another without having learned the lessens presented to them so they may grow tired of it and it may also cause them to want to settle. I don't know for sure but that's just my take on it based on my own observations.
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 A couple of months ago I would've said "take it slow", but then JillyBean gave me the most sage piece of advise I believe I have heard in a long time. She said, "go into a relationship in at 100% because if you go in 50%, when you get hurt it still hurts 100%". I couldn't disagree more! If you're not invested, if you're not all-in, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as if you are! What a crock!
rod_in_gtown Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I couldn't disagree more! If you're not invested, if you're not all-in, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as if you are! What a crock! It makes sense to me, I'm not built in little compartments, If I'm in a relationship, I can't really choose how I'll develop feelings for someone once I'm in the relationship. Otherwise I wouldn't be in the relationship at all.
marlena Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It would be nice if we could control it but it's not always that easy. I guess it depends on the individual's idiosyncrasy, past experience,age, too,yes and just how much he/she has fallen madly in love.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It makes sense to me, I'm not built in little compartments, If I'm in a relationship, I can't really choose how I'll develop feelings for someone once I'm in the relationship. Otherwise I wouldn't be in the relationship at all. But you can choose how quickly to let the relationship develop. The quicker it develops, the quicker you become invested. If you spend every waking moment with your new flame, you'll become more invested before you can see the flags, by then you'd rather stay invested then look at reality.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You have to trust your instincts, whether this is a decent person or not, to invest in. You also have to be prepared, if things don't pan out. It's okay for either you or the other person, to feel it's not going to work for whatever reason(s). No one's evil incarnate if the two aren't compatible. The flip-side is if either person is saying they're in love after a couple of weeks, someone or both parties, are not being realistic. This is a big, red flag! As for spending a lot of time together at the beginning of the relationship, this is a need for me. It's the only way I get to know the person well enough for me to fully invest in. If I'm not invested, out-of-sight, out-of-mind. A once a week dating experience means I can take him or leave him.
Author Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 TBF, you are a different kind of person, you know about past mistakes and you can spot a goodun' and a badun' and you are not desperate for a relationship. You also do not have children to take into account. You know you like the guy but your eyes are open (I am sure) Rod, I love JB's saying but it can be a bit of a turn off for a guy to be too full on from the get go and smacks of desperation I want to know how we can tell, when we have only know a person a wet day, if they are the one and what differentiates that sudden need to be in a serious committed relationship after 1 date and all I can think of is that it is two desperate souls meeting at the right moment, it cant be love after a week and you cant even know the person,let alone know you want to be with them forever after that short period of time!
marlena Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 if they are the one Lishy, I don't believe there is "the one". it cant be love after a week and you cant even know the person, It can be strong attraction, the "in love" feeling that is overpowering. you cant even know the person,let alone know you want to be with them forever after that short period of time You don't really need to know a person to fall in love with them. You fall for the essence of them and the way they make you feel. It's a risk for sure but one worth taking. I do agree,however, that when the flags start flying all around you, no excuses, it is time to bail out. This usually happens early on in a relationship so perhaps it's better to move fast and get to know the person as quickly as possible before you invest any more time and emotion.
rod_in_gtown Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 But you can choose how quickly to let the relationship develop. The quicker it develops, the quicker you become invested. If you spend every waking moment with your new flame, you'll become more invested before you can see the flags, by then you'd rather stay invested then look at reality. I can usually tell within the first couple of dates if there are any red flags, by the time I'm in a relationship I already know I want to be with that person, that's when I start to get invested. And from then on the investment happens pretty much from 0-100 in 5.2 seconds. I don't see the purpose in stopping relationships dead on its tracks for the sake of "non-investment".
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I can usually tell within the first couple of dates if there are any red flags, by the time I'm in a relationship I already know I want to be with that person, that's when I start to get invested. And from then on the investment happens pretty much from 0-100 in 5.2 seconds. I don't see the purpose in stopping relationships dead on its tracks for the sake of "non-investment". I don't see how you can tell in 2 or 3 dates if someone is "the one". More often then not, you haven't met the family, gone in great detail about your past, learned all the persons likes/dislikes and personality traits. Often people don't reveal themselves completely like that so soon.
rod_in_gtown Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I want to know how we can tell, when we have only know a person a wet day :lmao::lmao::lmao: That's too funny! if they are the one and what differentiates that sudden need to be in a serious committed relationship after 1 date and all I can think of is that it is two desperate souls meeting at the right moment, it cant be love after a week and you cant even know the person,let alone know you want to be with them forever after that short period of time! You can't really tell, and well, if they're happy, leave them be happy, red flags are usually only meaningful to the person who sees them, not necessarily to your friends. They may see them as endearing traits or they may place their priorities on other things. I wouldn't go pissing in their parade, there's nothing worse and that will drive them away from you instead of helping them.
Author Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 THAT is the key point DG, we do not reveal who we really are at the beginning as we are so caught up in being happy and giddy and butterfly(ey) that we are just walking around in a haze of pretend love! I believe that you have to live with someone for a long period of time before you know them, and then do you really know each other? My ex still surprised me after 14 years! What I mean is that at the beginning you can tell if your personalities,likes and dislikes and sense of humour matches but that is it. You do not know the real person after 6 months let alone 6 dates!
Author Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 :lmao::lmao::lmao: That's too funny! You can't really tell, and well, if they're happy, leave them be happy, red flags are usually only meaningful to the person who sees them, not necessarily to your friends. They may see them as endearing traits or they may place their priorities on other things. I wouldn't go pissing in their parade, there's nothing worse and that will drive them away from you instead of helping them. Oh I have no intention of getting involved in my friends affairs of the heart, I learned that a long time ago lol
rod_in_gtown Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I don't see how you can tell in 2 or 3 dates if someone is "the one". More often then not, you haven't met the family, gone in great detail about your past, learned all the persons likes/dislikes and personality traits. Often people don't reveal themselves completely like that so soon. Where did I say I could tell from 2 or 3 dates if they were "the one"? Also, a person is not their family, if anything you sound way too jaded and guarded anyway.
marlena Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 THAT is the key point DG, we do not reveal who we really are at the beginning as we are so caught up in being happy and giddy and butterfly(ey) that we are just walking around in a haze of pretend love! Lishy, I used to think like that but now looking back I see that all the signs, however well-disguised, were there right from day one practically. I just chose to overlook them, rationalize them, explain them away, excuse them because I wanted to be in love or perhaps was desperate for love. Today, I see them and don't ignore them all for the sake of being in love or having a relationship. I'd rather be alone than with a person who makes me miserable no matter how much my masochistic,needy side might want them.
marlena Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I can usually tell within the first couple of dates if there are any red flags, by the time I'm in a relationship I already know I want to be with that person, that's when I start to get invested. And from then on the investment happens pretty much from 0-100 in 5.2 seconds. I don't see the purpose in stopping relationships dead on its tracks for the sake of "non-investment". Pretty much how I am, too.
Author Lishy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I agree with you Marlena and i am talking about my friends who are ignoring the signs and saying they are in love, even discussing marriage and babies after like 3 weeks!
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Where did I say I could tell from 2 or 3 dates if they were "the one"? Also, a person is not their family, if anything you sound way too jaded and guarded anyway. Okay, not "the one" but just because 2 or 3 dates have passed, it doesn't mean if there are flags, they'd be shown then. Still, I think, it is way to early to invest yourself 100%. I don't think stopping the relationship dead on is wise either, but it's better to go at a pace then full force.
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