Why do they seem to want us more when they feel they can't have us?

[confused11]

Why is it that even though it is apparent how much someone cares for you, they only seem to want to be with you when you show llittle interest. Is this a game that once it forms with someone, will always happen, or does it ever end? I'm sure if I feined little interest with him, I'd always have him, but when I return his loving and sweet behavior, the second the talk of "feelings" comes around, he says the doesn't know how he feels even though his behavior and actions seem to show of something real....Does this make sense? Do people always need to be the chaser? When do they stop and just accept they have gotten what they have chased? What factors go into changing that mentality and feeling and why can't they be happy that after all the effort they put into someone, it is being returned? I mean these questions for more of a longer term relationship, not one newly formed...

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Why is it that even though it is apparent how much someone cares for you, they only seem to want to be with you when you show llittle interest. Is this a game that once it forms with someone, will always happen, or does it ever end? I'm sure if I feined little interest with him, I'd always have him, but when I return his loving and sweet behavior, the second the talk of "feelings" comes around, he says the doesn't know how he feels even though his behavior and actions seem to show of something real....Does this make sense? Do people always need to be the chaser? When do they stop and just accept they have gotten what they have chased? What factors go into changing that mentality and feeling and why can't they be happy that after all the effort they put into someone, it is being returned? I mean these questions for more of a longer term relationship, not one newly formed...

He's confused. It happens. Sometimes people don't know what they have until it is gone. Or they assume the person will always be around no matter how stupid he/she acts.

[againstallodds]

I think it's human nature that we want what we can't have. Everything we do is control by our brain. We human are greedy and want more for ourselves. Think about the first time you get a good paying job, it's exciting but let say if they don't give you a raise after a few years and everything is the same I am sure you'll get bored and try to find a new one.

 

 

I wish I can appreciate and value what I have but it's totally beyond my control. I think we are living in a free society and the sky is pretty much the limit. Men and women are equals and we both have jobs now.

 

If you look back in the old days, marriage pretty much last forever. I think that people who live a simple life tend to have a longer lasting relationship.

[georgejungle]

are you talking about a "Now you have me but you don't

seem as into me anymore" kinda thing? Like, they totally

wanted you when your weren't physically or mentally available

or weren't interested and now that you're interested and

in a relationship with this person, now THEY are acting like

they are not interested? is that what you mean?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Yeesh...I don't know.

 

There's a saying which I have butchered but it goes something along the lines of, it is not the moment itself, nor the moment after, but the moment BEFORE which is more exciting of all. In other words, it translates to mean, doing something and then looking back on it, is never as exciting as the immediate moment before. The moment BEFORE you have sex, the moment BEFORE you kiss, the moment BEFORE you get married. It's that moment of infinate possibility. It could happen, it might not. People chase that moment I think and some can't settle for much after....

 

It's all the cliches in the book; grass is greener on the other side etc and so on and so on.

 

For some people, the moments that follow are the more beautiful ones because you can see how you came from a tiny spark and grew to something immeasurable deep.

[Joker77]

Had this happen with my last ex. She apparently had been after me for two years and I showed no interest at all. I was in a relationship. She would tell me things sports related that she thought would perk my interest. It didn't work. Well, we finally got together this summer because I was out of the relationship and I ended up falling for her. Turns out it was a classic case of wanting something she couldn't have because when she finally got me, she didn't want me. Broke up almost 6 months later.

[Jhek]

People chase what they can't have syndrome seems to clear up with a little life experience. I think the exact recipe is something like

1 quart psycho ex

6 bad dates

3 failed relationships

2 tsp cheating ex

 

Then you mix that all together and add 1 cup of milk and throw in oven until you accomplish something (this part is important or else you'll wake up at 40 and wonder what if and freak out). Take out of oven when fully burnt and you should really respect when a good one comes along. Of course as with everything, results vary. Side effects include bodily damage and in extreme cases pregnancy.

 

Hope my smart ass comment helped, even a little. Good luck!

[againstallodds]

Had this happen with my last ex. She apparently had been after me for two years and I showed no interest at all. I was in a relationship. She would tell me things sports related that she thought would perk my interest. It didn't work. Well, we finally got together this summer because I was out of the relationship and I ended up falling for her. Turns out it was a classic case of wanting something she couldn't have because when she finally got me, she didn't want me. Broke up almost 6 months later.

 

It's true that people want what they can't have but don't you consider your case a rebound?

[confused11]

lol....thanks. Yes these replies are really helping. I know it is over and I know I will never have a definite answer as to why because to me things were going really well, but for him it wasn't there. The hard thing is though that since we get along so well, he wants to be friends. It ended over a week ago and he has contacted me everyday since, we even saw each other a few times, to exchange stuff and commiserate about other things going on in our lives. I wish we could be friends with no romantic feelings but I still have them, he doesn't. (actually if I was making wishes I would wish he felt the same way lol) If he wouldn't reach out to me I wouldn't initiate contact, but he does. I thought maybe I can put away my feelings because I will be moving far away very soon, and try to "enjoy" the last few weeks of his company, but last night I realized that it is to hard to be around him and not have it be like it was. He was so upset when he ended things, crying and stuff but he says he has no romantic feelings for me. I asked him as to why he would pretend to for the last few months and he said because he wanted to have those feelings for me and thought maybe in time he could and would because he really loves me but wasn't falling in love with me. But when I think about it, when I was trying to not show him I was that into him he was the one chasing me. When it came out in an inadvertant conversation how I really felt, he said he didn't feel the same way. This thing between us could have ended months ago too but he didn't want to have regrets of not trying it because he wanted to be with me. The more he spoke the more questions I have so I know it is better not to dwell and just accept but I can only remember happy times. I wish I had bad moments to focus on but there were none. I hate that I don't understand and miss him so much but know that right now a friendship isn't worth more pain. If anything he opened my eyes to how good a relationship could be but now just add in that passion. I feel I have something to look forward to once I let go of him but letting go is so hard. Especially because right now he is always around. Now I wonder if he ever really cared for me or he just liked having me around because of what I could provide for him (companionship, affection, convenience, etc.) I'm very sad. I truly don't think he is a bad person, and he still continues (idk for how much longer) to go out of his way for me. I don't know, I just don't know...everything confuses me with him. I never know what to believe or what to think. I've been hurt worse before before (there was a mean ex bf, a liar, and a guy that left me for another girl) where things have ended, but it has never felt like this, this one hurts in a different way and I don't know why.

[lightning spades]

not everyone is like this. some people are. they call it cat string theory - the more you work for something, the more you appreciate it. it's like when you dangle a string in front of a cat, and they'll go crazy trying to get it, but if you drop it in front of them, they won't care about it anymore.

 

me, i immediately lose interest in a girl if she doesn't show any interest in me, no matter how hot she may be physically. maybe i'm just lazy, but the chase holds no appeal for me.

[CaliGuy]

It's called "Push/Pull" or "wanting what you can't have."

 

All humans suffer from it. It's what Dr. Dobson describes as being in a cage. If you suffocate your significant other, they will feel caged and want to run away from you. If you give them the space and time to be free to love you, odds are they will.

 

Caging someone in is like trying to PULL them towards you. It doesn't work.

PULLing away from them takes them out of the cage.

 

You catching my drift? Sometimes you can play the push/pull game and get the person you want, only to have them leave again when the "game" doesn't become fun to them. The challenge is gone.

 

I suggest looking for someone a tad more mature who doesn't see the challenge as the most interesting aspect of the relationship. I'm leaning so far away from second chances right now and am apt to say NEVER AGAIN simply because I want someone who sees the value in me NOW, not after having been with me and left only to decide later "Hey I had a good thing…"

 

All my exs have come to that conclusion. "Damn, he was a great guy." Yep. And you had all of me and yet still walked away. No thanks. I don't that crap in my life.

 

NEXT!

[Joker77]

It's true that people want what they can't have but don't you consider your case a rebound?

 

Not really. She had been after me for two years, but was in the process of finalizing a divorce. She would try and flirt with me and I just kind of ignored it. When I finally accepted her advances this summer, everything was good for about 6 months.

[D-Lish]

I think Cali Guy has made an excellent point.

 

I was with someone for an awesome 2 months.... I knew he had feelings for me and we started getting really close. One day I mentioned him coming for x-mas dinner... And he just shut down. He got distant and flighty and aloof with me.

 

He admitted distancing when confronted- citing that he couldn't let himself go with me when he was going to be moving in 8 months. I broke up with him and took off to Florida for x-mas.

 

Funny thing is- he tried to keep in touch with me, wanted to be friends. I said I wouldn't. Then- we saw each other last weekend for the first time in 3 weeks to exchange our things. He went on and on about not being capable of falling in love...That if I fell for him he would hurt me... Told me he has never been in Love and doesn't plan on ever investing himself...blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.

 

So- I just agreed with him, told him it was okay that I was over the initial hurt, and was fine moving on. He has been pursuing me like crazy since then- calling, texting, Im's me as soon as I sign in. I barely respond- and he pursues more!

 

Why do they want us when they think they can't have us? Who knows what goes on in their heads. All I know is that it's important to respect ourselves. If someone is playing a push-pull game... I choose to opt out.

 

I think it's about power and control- the whole push/pull game.

[EmperorR]

Ah I had a ex who dumped me years ago, as soon as I started dating someone new my phone was rining off the hook she wanted me back strange:laugh:

[lilmrcheerful]

Why do they want us when they think they can't have us? Who knows what goes on in their heads. All I know is that it's important to respect ourselves.

 

That is an excellent post and one that we should always look to remind ourselves of, we have to respect ourselves because too often we think we have to give that little bit more too much to try and balance it out, so eventually the balance drifts to one side and the other feels they don't have to do any work because it's already done for them.

 

I also really like what CaliGuy wrote, very true indeed.

 

Thanks for the insights.

[D-Lish]

That is an excellent post and one that we should always look to remind ourselves of, we have to respect ourselves because too often we think we have to give that little bit more too much to try and balance it out, so eventually the balance drifts to one side and the other feels they don't have to do any work because it's already done for them.

 

I also really like what CaliGuy wrote, very true indeed.

 

Thanks for the insights.

 

I think it always has to come down to self-respect. If you're not being respected- it's time to make a choice to move on.

 

It's about liking yourself enough to say.. sorry, enough!

 

Hard to do. I can promise you that you feel better when you do though.

[confused11]

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. It is very hard to ignore him because part of me wants to hear from him. I am proud of myself though, yesterday he asked to hang out and I declined. It was hard but I knew it was the right thing to do. He just wants to have me there, he is never going to change. As soon as he finds someone new to focus his attention on, he won't be contacting me. So I'd rather do NC on my terms then let him dictate the terms our our "friendship/relationship" and get hurt, then get hurt again even more when he stops talking to me altogether because he has replaced me, if that makes any sense.