Sprokkett Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hey all, I'm a first time member and this is my first post... I'm sure a first to many. I'm looking for support and feedback. So, here goes: Situation: Been married to a woman for 8 years, we have two kids, a 6 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Dilemma: Its been about a month now since she told me, she had enough of being degraded, treated like a piece of sht, verbally... She has lost feeling for me and is not attracted to me right now. ("we don't fit , right now") Plan: Since we have 2 young children we decided that its best to stay together, right now... Instead of going thru separation, also we cannot afford it as well... Currently, she is now confused with her own sexuality and says she thinks she may be attracted to woman... She wants to stay friends right now and says we both need to be comfortable with who we are and that change has to be taken... Please offer some kind words of support and/or share advice. Right now, I feel like I have changed tremendously , personally and mentally, and we both have been to the same counselor a few times, but, I still have feelings for her, but she is not reciprocating... Her flame is out and my pilot light is still on.. But,, its fading and I'm just confused... I love my kids and will support them, but,, how long can I take this? Thanks... Sprokkett
2sure Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 [quote=Sprokkett;1989043] Its been about a month now since she told me, she had enough of being degraded, treated like a piece of sht, verbally... She has lost feeling for me and is not attracted to me right now. ("we don't fit , right now") It sounds like this has been an abusive relationship. Like many abused spouses, she is not ready to move out of the house because she is fearful and insecure. If you are changing, maybe this time period will be a good thing. She said healthy things, wants you both to use this time to reflect. If you are changing the way you treat her , the way she feels about herself and your marriage will change. Its only been a month. If she has felt degraded and verbally abused - that behavior is not changed permanently in 30 days.
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Its been about a month now since she told me, she had enough of being degraded, treated like a piece of sht, verbally... She has lost feeling for me and is not attracted to me right now. ("we don't fit , right now") What makes your W say this? Explain and describe. Right now, I feel like I have changed tremendously , personally and mentally, and we both have been to the same counselor a few times, but, I still have feelings for her, but she is not reciprocating... What does your W think? Are you in IC (Individual Counseling) or MC (Marriage Counseling) or both?
Author Sprokkett Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 2sure, Thanks for the comments... She is definitely not fearful of me. She is the one who often speaks of me leaving. So,, I know its tough to relay into words... But, I do not feel I smother her. Just to add (last weekend she went out Friday and Saturday night) while I stayed home to watch the kids... They went to a gay club and a lesbian kissed her... She told me she did not initiate the kiss, but a kiss is a kiss, and she did not know how to feel about it... (Really confused... I always thought being a leisban meant you either are attracted to women or not...) And your right,, I have to give it more time...
Author Sprokkett Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 JW, Thank you for your feedback... Originally Posted by Sprokkett Its been about a month now since she told me, she had enough of being degraded, treated like a piece of sht, verbally... She has lost feeling for me and is not attracted to me right now. ("we don't fit , right now") What makes your W say this? Explain and describe. I can get very demeaning in talk, but not physically... Just when I get stressed with the kids, dogs,, works,, etc,, i take out my stress on her... BUT,, have not been verbally mean, for a month now... Quote: Right now, I feel like I have changed tremendously , personally and mentally, and we both have been to the same counselor a few times, but, I still have feelings for her, but she is not reciprocating... What does your W think? Are you in IC (Individual Counseling) or MC (Marriage Counseling) or both? We are both going into therapy right now. We talk to the same counselor. It has been a few visits for both of us. Only IC right now... but, we hope to do a MC session in the future... But, right now these sessions are more for each other... I know for me,, I have changed and I see and act differently now... BUT, with her,, she is still confused about herself... So, I think I am closer to my personal discovery than she is... But,, right now she only considers me a friend... no more... How do I handle that?
2sure Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You are being idle with your relationship, you are moving. It has not been long - if you are friends thats a great starting point. Obviously, you cannot have a marriage with a roommate status , but right now you are both doing what you need to do. How do you feel about her kissing the girl or wanting to explore that? If she wants to do that on her own - that IS infidelity and will only make things worse. If its a sexual curiosity, is it something you can share with her? Is this the major roadblock for her or is it her unhappiness with the marriage so far?
Author Sprokkett Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 You are being idle with your relationship, you are moving. It has not been long - if you are friends thats a great starting point. Obviously, you cannot have a marriage with a roommate status , but right now you are both doing what you need to do. How do you feel about her kissing the girl or wanting to explore that? If she wants to do that on her own - that IS infidelity and will only make things worse. If its a sexual curiosity, is it something you can share with her? Is this the major roadblock for her or is it her unhappiness with the marriage so far? Great questions... We both understand that cheating, is cheating... And she says she is going to be honesty with me... But, what can i do? It hurts, but, I think she is really confused. And I really do think its more sexual curiosity. I think its a little bit of both. The "I had enough" stage and the "sexual curiosity" stage. But, right now, she says she has no feeling for me now... And does not give me any hope for the future. But, she does not say we cannot meet again emotionally, and physically... Its uncomfortable right now, that I cannot show my emotion with her and have to refrain and close up inside. She constantly reminds me to stay in the present and live for the day. But, how do I know? When I become unemotional like her? A zombie? Do I draw a line or set future expectations? 6 months ? 1 year? I want her to be happy, but, I want to be happy too...
2sure Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Right, I get it. I dont know the answer - but something does come to mind. When a marriage suffers from infidelity (a form of abuse) to repair and recover one spouse must show remorse and the other must show forgiveness. Without both partners wanting the ultimate same goal - there is no progress. How long to wait? There really is no clear answer but I can say a month is not much. In fact, it may be too soon for the question.
Author Sprokkett Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Ok,,, I will try to keep my mouth shut... Time heals all wounds, I suppose... I only wish I can stay focused on myself and my kids in the interim.
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