sweetlee102 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 For me, any new thing or change causes much anxiety and paranoia, especially in a relationhip. I think of anything that can possibly happen or go wrong and get it in my head that it will. Now, as you can see this post is about facebook. Let me tell you i have had a facebook for quite sometime but i never can go on it except on my phone so i dont update stuff that much. My boyfriend recently signed up for it, alot of his family and friends have talked him into it because they have it as well. Fine, i mean i have it. But oh my i have become crazy paranoid about him meeting, reuniting with a girl from the past or something. he knows how i feel adn has said i can watch him do it, etc that he wont cheat on me. i cant help it but get crazy i keep telling him its going to happen and that its addicting and annoying, etc (facebook that is) he can also check it on his phone which this morning i noticed he updated his status before he even texted me. I am literally driving myself insane. We do live together, he has on his facebook pictures of us and that he is in a realationship with me, etc. That isnt enough. Enought would be for that stuff to never exist. I hate that i dont know the people he grew up with adn what happened with all of them i hate it! I just dont know what to do about it im going to drive us both nuts. I know i need therapy but my insurance does not cover it and i cant afford it at this time. I am on meds which help but my way of thinking needs to be changed. sorry this is so long and thank you for reading. any advice would be sooo appreciated.
haley121 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Hun, you need to calm down a bit. It sounds like you have a great guy who is very willing to be open, honest, and proud of his relationship with you. By putting pictures of the two of you and putting that he's in a relationship with you, he's proclaiming to the world that he belongs to you. Any old friends, gfs, etc. can see that. You need to TRUST him. It sounds like he's worthy of your trust. I mean, he hasn't cheated before or given any reason for you to doubt him, has he? If the answer to that is yes, then maybe you should rethink the relationship because it sounds like you're not ready to trust him again, but if the answer is no, then you have nothing to worry about. The fact that he changed his status before texting you means nothing. He shouldn't need to ask you every time he wants to sign on. I'm sorry that counseling isn't an option. Do you have any friends or family who would be willing to talk to you in a patient way about this? If so, every time you feel worried about what he's doing on there, share your concerns with them. It's OK to let your bf know that you're worried, but if you keep nagging him about it, it could eat away at your relationship. If you're curious about people from his past, ask him about them, but do it in a non-accusatory, non-paranoid, simply-curious kind of way. I'm sure he'd be happy to share his past experiences and memories with you. Just trust. I know that's easier said than done, but the more you obsess, the worse it's going to get. You're afraid of losing him, but if you keep being so afraid of losing him, then you're going to end up driving him away and then you WILL lose him. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If it might help, maybe you should delete YOUR facebook. It would be a huge act of trust on your part, but then that way you wouldn't be tempted to check up on him all the time.
Confusedalways Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Deep breath! Like the other poster suggests, just ask him about them in a curious kind of way. So many people have facebook, and i'm sure all of these exs have far moved on from him, as you seem to suggest it was in the near distant past.
crackerjax9 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 at least he puts in a relationship!! my boyfriend took at least 4 months to do it!! lol but i worry alot too!
gopher Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 For me, any new thing or change causes much anxiety and paranoia, especially in a relationhip. I think of anything that can possibly happen or go wrong and get it in my head that it will. Now, as you can see this post is about facebook. Let me tell you i have had a facebook for quite sometime but i never can go on it except on my phone so i dont update stuff that much. My boyfriend recently signed up for it, alot of his family and friends have talked him into it because they have it as well. Fine, i mean i have it. But oh my i have become crazy paranoid about him meeting, reuniting with a girl from the past or something. he knows how i feel adn has said i can watch him do it, etc that he wont cheat on me. i cant help it but get crazy i keep telling him its going to happen and that its addicting and annoying, etc (facebook that is) he can also check it on his phone which this morning i noticed he updated his status before he even texted me. I am literally driving myself insane. We do live together, he has on his facebook pictures of us and that he is in a realationship with me, etc. That isnt enough. Enought would be for that stuff to never exist. I hate that i dont know the people he grew up with adn what happened with all of them i hate it! I just dont know what to do about it im going to drive us both nuts. I know i need therapy but my insurance does not cover it and i cant afford it at this time. I am on meds which help but my way of thinking needs to be changed. sorry this is so long and thank you for reading. any advice would be sooo appreciated. Not to be too harsh, but when you say "fine, I mean, have it", you don't really mean that do you? LOL...My experience is that when a woman starts a sentence with fine, I should avoid doing whatever it is, at the risk of my happiness. Back to your situation though...is this an isolated case? Is he allowed to have friends, hobbies and have a guys night out? Or do you try and keep tabs on him and control what he does? If you, I guarantee that facebook is the least of your worries...he's bound to resent it and his family and friends won't be shy telling him how they feel either... Maybe I read a lot into your concern about facebook, but it seems there may be a deeper issue here. As for therapy, talk to your local church, sometimes they have counseling available or are willing to help you find something affordable.
4dviceJunki3 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Okay, are you ready for this? Your BF is completely aware that you're stalking his facebook site so EVEN IF HE WANTED TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU KNOWING, HE WOULDN'T BE DOING IT ON THAT SITE, first of all... Secondly, you need to give him a little credit and trust. Do you realize that becoming overly obsessive and jealous of your partner will drive your partner further away? Because you will constantly tend to push towards him and he, as a normal human being, will sense that and will know that regardless of what happens, you will ALWAYS be there. Third, you guys live together; that's a HUGE part of a relationship. Fourth, this guy seems like he wants to be honest and he wants you to fully trust him because he has no bad intentions in mind. His willingness to be open in the relationship and put everything out on the table should tell you a lot. Lastly, no matter how much jealousy, obsession, or distrust you feel towards him, in the end, you're only going to be hurting yourself because in worst case scenario if what you fear really does happen, you're not in control of it from start to finish so you're just going to hurt yourself even more. Have more self-confidence and self-esteem and learn to be loose with it.
JaydaLeah Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Fourth, this guy seems like he wants to be honest and he wants you to fully trust him because he has no bad intentions in mind. His willingness to be open in the relationship and put everything out on the table should tell you a lot. Lastly, no matter how much jealousy, obsession, or distrust you feel towards him, in the end, you're only going to be hurting yourself because in worst case scenario if what you fear really does happen, you're not in control of it from start to finish so you're just going to hurt yourself even more. Have more self-confidence and self-esteem and learn to be loose with it. Totally agree, with emphasis on those quoted above. Jealousy is something that eats your sanity away. While its an all-natural thing between couples, too much of it will destroy. I speak from experience. I used to be extremely paranoid abt my ex's ex. I checked his email, friendster (then no FB yet. haha), his laptop, i even searched his room and whenever i stumble on traces of his ex, it makes me go nuts. I even look into his MSN history and get upset when i see their chat, even if its an innocent chat. We broke up in the end, with me catching him out with ANOTHER girl and lying to me abt it. He said they are purely friends and he is afraid of me kicking a fuss if he told me. 3 yrs after, 2 of which, i took to get over the hurts, I grew from that experience and realised that I had probably driven him away from me. I firmly believed that he loved me and wanted to marry me. But my paranoia and mistrust in him might have fuel our breakup. He did not cheat on me because I know that girl as well. But at that point in time, i was too hurt and bitter to cool down and try to reconcile things. Today, I am with a great guy whom we are committed to be with. I find old traces of the tendency to get overly obsesses about his ex. I still go into his email, his FB to check if they are on close terms or what not. But at the same time, i have to keep this jealousy paranoia in check - i know its just me. I tend to compare myself with exes.. i wonder if they were better and all... but, it is me his with now and i need to always remind myself that. I think your guy is transparent and understanding to your concerns - give him credit for that and appreciate it. If not, even the nicest guy on earth can get pissed off and driven away. Win him over with your confidence and independence, not with fear and obligation. All the best!
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