ByShine Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi i'm new to the board, but this i think this is the perfect place to find some relief and some advice on what to do. I'll make a long story short with just important details. I'm 18 years old and in March 2008 ( 10 months ago ) I told a girl that I didn't know very well that I liked her. At this time, she already had a boyfriend and one of my close friends liked her as well so we had a triple way relationship. Funny thing about it is though, she used to like my close friend who currently now likes her. So I was like the third wheel on this. She had a boyfriend, and she was very close friends with my friend who likes her. And she really didn't know me. After I told that I liked her, days and days on, I tried to get to know her, trying to grab attention from her in school and you know sometimes it worked and we just talked. But after a while, she stopped showing interest in me. When I saw her at school, she used to smile and say what's up and I'd always have that sad sort of face look and say hi back. This is when really things got started. I really started to get mad at her, but got to like her more, it's like I was starting to love her, and I wasn't sure because I have never loved someone with all my heart before. The reason I got sort of mad at her was because she always and never told me the way she felt about me, but I told her how I feel about her many times. So really, I started to avoid her in school, (lucky we dont have any same class) and pretended like I lost interest in her, ignoring her in some occasions when she tried to talk to me. Specially when I am at the gym playing basketball, shes sometimes there as well, this isn't weird but she purposely throws the ball near my court and pretended she did it by accident, which she really didnt because i saw it but i pretended like i didn't, which proves that she's trying to get my attention ( this isnt the first time she tried to get my attention ). That was one of the reasons why my love for her kept dragging along, because somehow I thought she was interested in me in someways, but somedays in school she walks around like she dosn't know me, and somedays she wants my attention. It's like she has this two face. So thats how life went along until july ( 7months ago) constant ignoring, attention grabbing, all the underground little emotion stuff. then school ended on july and started again on september ( 2months without seeing her face.) Now because time went by and i havnt seen her so long, seems like my feelings for her was completely gone until in october i heard that she broke up with her boyfriend.. thats when everything just came back in few seconds.. So I had the feelings back for a while, but I think i played smart and just kept ignoring her and going on with my life. First I thought it was just an infatuation like what many people told me, but I am sure of my self that this feels like love and not a infatution. Now it's january and I don't really know how i feel, I feel like i forgot her sometimes, but at the same time I constantly only see her in group of her friends. Should I keep ignoring or give her attention/ try talking to her again ( we havnt really talked since april 08 ) or is this just unrequited love and i'm wasting my time? Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Unrequited love, or unhealthy obsession? Perhaps you shouldn't go after this one. At first, I thought: "If she's single, why not just ask her out?", but if you've been secretly pining over this girl for the length of time you suggested I don't really think it's a great idea. You already told her that you like her and it sounds like the reception you got wasn't what you expected. Oh I dunno, maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe you should just ask her out and end all this mystery. For all you know she might not be that great a match for you anyway, or she might. She may not like you that way at all. Only one way to really find out...... The only real way to get your questions answered, is to just ask her out. If she says no it won't kill you. Just because you like someone a lot doesn't mean they are obligated to feel the same way about you, and if they don't then that's life. You move on and forget about it. Obsession is dangerous on many levels. It can lead you to do things that are completely irrational. Take it from someone that knows first hand. Just be cool and keep your options open. She aint the only fish in the sea, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Unrequited love, or unhealthy obsession? Perhaps you shouldn't go after this one. At first, I thought: "If she's single, why not just ask her out?", but if you've been secretly pining over this girl for the length of time you suggested I don't really think it's a great idea. You already told her that you like her and it sounds like the reception you got wasn't what you expected. Oh I dunno, maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe you should just ask her out and end all this mystery. For all you know she might not be that great a match for you anyway, or she might. She may not like you that way at all. Only one way to really find out...... The only real way to get your questions answered, is to just ask her out. If she says no it won't kill you. Just because you like someone a lot doesn't mean they are obligated to feel the same way about you, and if they don't then that's life. You move on and forget about it. Obsession is dangerous on many levels. It can lead you to do things that are completely irrational. Take it from someone that knows first hand. Just be cool and keep your options open. She aint the only fish in the sea, so to speak. Thanks for your opinion, but asking her out seems pretty much impossible right now ( not like im scared to do it or anything ). But yea i guess i'll just play it cool, keep my options open. Would love more advice from other people:p Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Since you're young this advice will help you the rest of your life. Go buy and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I know what you're thinking. "I don't want be a jerk!" That's not what this book is about. It'll teach you how to act like a confident, secure man (not just act, but BE one as well). When you become a confident, secure man you will attract the right woman to you. You are very young and still have many things to learn. As for this girl from your school, the more you chase her the more she'll run away. The more you pull back the more likely she is to come towards you. Life's just fracking weird that way. People naturally want what they can't have and don't want what they can. Nobody is going to have the magic bullet to make things go your way though. The best advice I can give you is to read the book and learn. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Go buy and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). CaliGuy, I've always wanted to thank you for recommending this particular book. I read it about a year ago and it had a major impact on me. For the first time in my life, I got to really see what was underneath my "nice guy" persona. It was like the author had written the book just for me! I know a lot of other people say the same thing. Anyway, it really changed me. So thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Since you're young this advice will help you the rest of your life. Go buy and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). I know what you're thinking. "I don't want be a jerk!" That's not what this book is about. It'll teach you how to act like a confident, secure man (not just act, but BE one as well). When you become a confident, secure man you will attract the right woman to you. You are very young and still have many things to learn. As for this girl from your school, the more you chase her the more she'll run away. The more you pull back the more likely she is to come towards you. Life's just fracking weird that way. People naturally want what they can't have and don't want what they can. Nobody is going to have the magic bullet to make things go your way though. The best advice I can give you is to read the book and learn. Cheers. Who is the author? I tried looking for it but too many versions. Anyways any other advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Who is the author? I tried looking for it but too many versions. Robert A. Glover: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339 Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I am sure of my self that this feels like love and not a infatution. Have you ever heard of limerence? What you wrote sounds an awful lot like something I would have said in a similar situation. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 CaliGuy, I've always wanted to thank you for recommending this particular book. I read it about a year ago and it had a major impact on me. For the first time in my life, I got to really see what was underneath my "nice guy" persona. It was like the author had written the book just for me! I know a lot of other people say the same thing. Anyway, it really changed me. So thanks. You are welcome and I am glad I could help. I hope your testimony hits home for many guys suffering through the "nice guy" syndrome (whether they recognize it or not) and motivates them to buy and read the book. It's definitely a life changer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Have you ever heard of limerence? What you wrote sounds an awful lot like something I would have said in a similar situation. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence Ok i've read it but don't really get it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Ok i've read it but don't really get it.. If it didn't hit home, then it probably doesn't apply. Carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 If it didn't hit home, then it probably doesn't apply. Carry on. That's the hard thing about it.. it keeps dragging me back.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Here's another limerence definition: Limerence is another coined word (by Dorothy Tennov) for aspects of early attraction, used somewhat within the clinical or academic psychology context. It's more often described in negative terms, even while acknowledging transient euphorias intermixed with the alarming despair in unstable mood swings. It might be summarized as a form of obsessive infatuation that some attractions go through at the very beginning, before the involved parties have discovered whether the attraction is mutual. A colloquial term might be "love sick". It's common and thus normal, but often feels abnormal and unhealthy. It almost always goes away quickly if desires are reciprocated, but could linger on painfully in the case of unrequited and especially secret romantic obsessions. It thrives on secrecy, adversity, blocked communication, and courtship games. Think of an Elvis Presley movie about boy wants girl but doesn't think she loves him back, and he is sick at heart until he knows. I'm not saying that's what you are necessarily going through, but it's a common manifestation of unrequited love, where we keep getting drawn back and compelled to think about that other person. The solution is almost always to stop having contact with them, or to get a definite, unequivocal answer from them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Here's another limerence definition: Limerence is another coined word (by Dorothy Tennov) for aspects of early attraction, used somewhat within the clinical or academic psychology context. It's more often described in negative terms, even while acknowledging transient euphorias intermixed with the alarming despair in unstable mood swings. It might be summarized as a form of obsessive infatuation that some attractions go through at the very beginning, before the involved parties have discovered whether the attraction is mutual. A colloquial term might be "love sick". It's common and thus normal, but often feels abnormal and unhealthy. It almost always goes away quickly if desires are reciprocated, but could linger on painfully in the case of unrequited and especially secret romantic obsessions. It thrives on secrecy, adversity, blocked communication, and courtship games. Think of an Elvis Presley movie about boy wants girl but doesn't think she loves him back, and he is sick at heart until he knows. I'm not saying that's what you are necessarily going through, but it's a common manifestation of unrequited love, where we keep getting drawn back and compelled to think about that other person. The solution is almost always to stop having contact with them, or to get a definite, unequivocal answer from them. Well I stopped having any contact for a very long damn time so I guess it's just obsessions and have to try to move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Well I stopped having any contact for a very long damn time so I guess it's just obsessions and have to try to move on? No, you still see her, you said. I know you haven't talked to her in ages, but seeing is still a kind of contact. NC (No Contact) means no appearance of that person in your life at all. I think the limerence remedy applies to you, even if it's not limerence. You need to ask her, or otherwise burn her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 No, you still see her, you said. I know you haven't talked to her in ages, but seeing is still a kind of contact. NC (No Contact) means no appearance of that person in your life at all. I think the limerence remedy applies to you, even if it's not limerence. You need to ask her, or otherwise burn her. Well since i'm not in a situation to ask/tell and get a definite answer, i guess the only option is to avoid her completly.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Well since i'm not in a situation to ask/tell and get a definite answer, i guess the only option is to avoid her completly.. I think so. NC isn't fun, but it's very rewarding if you do it right. There are some excellent NC resources on LoveShack - I know CaliGuy wrote one. You'll come out of this, I promise. Do the hard yards at the start and you'll start to feel better very soon. When the time is right, a better girl will appear and you'll have more to offer her than you could have offered the current girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ByShine Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 I think so. NC isn't fun, but it's very rewarding if you do it right. There are some excellent NC resources on LoveShack - I know CaliGuy wrote one. You'll come out of this, I promise. Do the hard yards at the start and you'll start to feel better very soon. When the time is right, a better girl will appear and you'll have more to offer her than you could have offered the current girl. I just have read Caliguy's NC thread, I guess I will get to work right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I just have read Caliguy's NC thread, I guess I will get to work right away. Wonderful! Keep using the board here to shore up your resolve when you feel yourself weakening too. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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