SingleAgain08 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I am curious how long it's appropriate to wait before discussing whether or not to deactivate your online dating account. I am a bit traumatized by an experience last year and have therefore not checked up on my current boyfriend of one month (who I dated for a month before becoming exclusive) to see if he's still logging into his match.com account. I haven't logged into my account in six weeks, and no one has been contacting me. I didn't change my settings to invisible, but I'd have no problem doing that or canceling it altogether if my boyfriend wanted that. So far he's given me no reason to suspect that he is still looking around, but I haven't always been the best judge of character so I know there's a possibility he's not as great as I think he is. I dated a guy last year who was still logging in every day even after we were exclusive for three months, and it was shocking to me to discover this. When I confronted him about it, he claimed he just liked the ego boost of girls emailing him (which I found difficult to believe), and even if that truly was all it was for him, it seems unhealthy to me to need an ego boost if you're in a relationship. I guess I'm just scared of a repeat experience. At the one month mark, maybe it's too soon to talk about it, but I don't think I want to wait three months and then check in on him like I did with the previous boyfriend I mentioned. I'd prefer not to check in on him at all, and instead just talk to him about it sometime, but I don't know when it would be appropriate to bring up. I know some people sign up and pay for a whole year up front, so asking someone to cancel a year's membership is a lot to ask, and basically that's why I have misgivings about talking about it so soon. Thoughts anyone?
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It's only been a month, still new regardless of whether or not you feel it's exclusive. I've dated people from online before that have kept there profile up for up to 3 months after dating. I remember one guy, we spent an awesome weekened together and then I saw he had deleted his profile, so I in turn deleted mine. I don't address the issue about the profile. I always feel that when they are ready- they will take it down. The first month is still early- you are still getting to know one another, so I wouldn't panic at this stage. Just be patient and play it cool. If he hasn't taken it down in another month but is giving you the exclusive message- take your own profile down without telling him. It's possible he is checking to see what you are doing as well and playing off that.
Tomcat33 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 If you are exclusive, and by that I mean you have both discussed where you stand in terms of dating other people, NOT just because you have slept together and this is not just YOUR assumption, I don't see why you can't discuss what your stance is on the issue with him? Honest open dialogue is the best policy. No point doing your head in wondering what's what that's not what being exclusive means, it means you have enough solid ground between the two of you that you should be able to discuss this openly and freely. If you were open enough to be physically intimate with him surely you can be open enough to ask why you both have your profiles up when you want to be exclusive. Good luck
motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 If you really want to know if he's still on the site just ask him. Whatever answer he gives, accept it for now and move on. If he wants to browse and look around behind your back, then he's gonna do it. If not on that site than maybe a different one. Its hard to give trust when you've been burned before, but worrying about it and being suspicious is not going to help your relationship any. If you've had no reason to suspect, as you said, then don't. I've learned that worrying about what someone else might do is wasted energy. If they're gonna lie and cheat, then they're gonna do it, and all the worrying about it on your part in the meantime isn't going to change it. If anything, being suspicious might tilt the odds against you. If you're accused of the crime but never did it, it's almost justifies carrying out the deed, know what I mean? Trust is a two way street. You have to give some trust in order to receive any. You always run the risk that you'll get burned, but don't worry about it unless you really start to see some shady behavior on his part. If everything is cool right now then just go with it.
xjadex Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm in the same boat more or less, except that the guy I met online, is still frequenting the site I met him on. He says he just chats to one or two friends. I suspect differently, but don't have solid proof. Yeah I am non too plussed about it and yeah it's led to real bad arguments in which he's said I'm controlling and accused me of being jealous, says I'm hurting him because I don't trust him. But still, he continues to frequent it and so it's finally got to the stage where I quit nagging him about it. I have stopped going on this site, because whenever I saw him there it led to arguments. I still have my profile up, but he knows that I no longer go on. Not unless he texts me and asks me to go on to chat anyway. I'm also of the mindset now, that if he's gonna go off with someone else, then he couldn't have been that 'into me' anyway and there aint a lot I can do about it. And the above poster is correct when they say: "If anything, being suspicious might tilt the odds against you".....
flc Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Well in my case I just let the subscription expire but once I was exclusive I did not visit the site anymore. Once you are truly in a single partner relationship there should be no reason for someone to go to the dating site and if it is a pay site and the person is still maintaining a subscription I think that is pretty negative.
Author SingleAgain08 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks everyone for your responses. Just to clarify -- I've been seeing the current boyfriend for two months, after the a month we did have an exclusivity talk. So he's only been my "boyfriend" for a month. I'm going to wait to talk to him until after Valentine's Day, unless he brings it up before then (which I would have no problem with). I figure it's best to just trust I have nothing to worry about for now and then if we last another month (which I think we will since things are going really well), make sure we're on the same page about logging into dating sites. xjadex - I'm sorry you're having problems with this and I think you have a right to be concerned about your boyfriend's behavior (assuming he and you are in an exclusive relationship and have been together for awhile). He could talk to his friends on facebook or AIM or any number of sites, he doesn't need to use a dating site for that purpose. I think he's trying to turn it around by calling you jealous and contolling. I would not stay with a person who refused to get off a dating site. In my experience it is an indicator that a person either isn't really "into you" or isn't mature enough for any relationship.
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It's possible you could save yourself a lot of anxiety by simply looking to see if he's still online. If he's not, well then, there's your answer. Otherwise, if you two have actually had a conversation about exclusivity and you've seen that he's still online, I'd say ask him about it. There's no reason why someone in an exclusive relationship should be on a dating site, proclaiming to the world that he/she is available for dates. My new guy took his down without any conversation about it (I know because I kept looking). Weeks later he asked if I was seeing anyone else. He's made those steps because it's what he wants. Your guy could very well feel the same way. The only way to know is to look and/or talk to him about it.
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm in the same boat more or less, except that the guy I met online, is still frequenting the site I met him on. He says he just chats to one or two friends. I suspect differently, but don't have solid proof. "Friends"? That he needs to chat with through a dating site? C'mon. That IS your solid proof. "Friends" would chat through other means. Like...oh...I don't know...email.
Confusedalways Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Why don't you just look to see if he's logged on?
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