motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Normally when you've wronged someone, you have an opportunity to apologize. Well, what if it's your ex and you're trying to maintain NC? I said some really awful things to her voicemail, and it was the last things I ever said to her. I find it hard to live with myself knowing that to even try to apologize for it will not only break NC, but ruin what little shred of progress I've made and only make everything worse. Besides all this, I doubt my apology would ever be accepted. I was really harsh out of anger and I wish I could take those things I said back. I guess the question is, does it matter? Why am I dwelling on it in the first place? How do I get past the fact that I was so mean? Do I dare break my strict NC for a sincere apology? How do I get this all out of my head?
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Perhaps someday it is something you can go back and address. It's probably not best to put your healing at risk at this point. You've maintained NC thus far- so I think for your own sake- it's best to stick with it. I think most people have said something in anger they have regrets about. An ex and I broke up once and he said some really horrible things to me. I ended up retailiating some time later and then we went NC for over a year. Last summer we actually met for lunch and made sincere apologies to one another for how we reacted. It was the right time to have the conversation because we were over one another. There is time to have that conversation at some point- but I wouldn't put your own healing in detriment at the moment. You have to look out for what is best for you right now. If you don't think she'd accept an apology, it probably isn't worth risking the progress you've made to give it to her. Don't beat yourself up. We've all had those kind of moments.
Author motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks. I guess that's exactly what I needed to hear. I suppose we all make mistakes that we wish we could take back. I guess this really isn't any different.
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks. I guess that's exactly what I needed to hear. I suppose we all make mistakes that we wish we could take back. I guess this really isn't any different. We wouldn't be human if we didn't make those kinds of mistakes. The fact that you are feeling some guilt over it actually demonstrates that you aren't the same person that left a message on her voicemail. I think it probably helped to let it out initially. You really can have that conversation down the road. I actually had an old highschool bf that cheated and lied to me. He found me on Facebook months ago and sent me an apology letter. 15 years later... but still, it was nice to hear. Just don't beat yourself up. It's still time to be focusing on you.
audrey_1 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks. I guess that's exactly what I needed to hear. I suppose we all make mistakes that we wish we could take back. I guess this really isn't any different. Absolutely we all do. I let my erratic behavior borne out of fear of a relationship actually working push away the object of my affection - right into someone else's arms. I've apologized more times than I care to admit. He heard me out, but his feelings for me are gone. They're not coming back, and it's something I'm having a hard time dealing with. Sometimes it doesn't really matter if we apologize. They are probably indifferent, but with time that may change. D-lish, I'm glad you got your apology finally! But even if you did have a chance to apologize, it won't make you feel any better. I don't. I shouldn't have behaved badly in the first place. Maybe in my next relationship, I can apply what I've learned. I just hope there is a next time.
kizik Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You don't need to feel so bad. Didn't this girl cheat on you? Not something that's so easily forgivable, if you ask me. I wouldn't be feeling guilty if all I did was call her a c*nt or something. Chances are that this selfish nymphomaniac won't care if you're apologizing. She probably doesn't need or want to hear it. Tough facts, but she's moved on long ago, and you can do so as well by stopping this guilt crap. You didn't do anything wrong that I can see, in the bigger scheme of things. Would you rather be a cheater?
Author motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 She didn't cheat that I know of... it's a long story but suffice it to say that she pulled a 180 on me and I was blindsided. It left me pretty angry and confused. I still don't know to this day why when she said "it just wasn't going to work out."
kizik Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 OK she didn't cheat on you but you told me some pretty awful stuff about her so weigh what you said vs. what she did and you tell me who the mean person is.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Perhaps someday it is something you can go back and address. It's probably not best to put your healing at risk at this point. You've maintained NC thus far- so I think for your own sake- it's best to stick with it. I think most people have said something in anger they have regrets about. Great advice! There's also another side to this, as well. You also have to live with yourself. If after you've moved on and still feel the need to apologize, then it's something you'll need to address at that point. There's no use in living with guilt over pride. Another side, which kizik brings up, is that she also has some apologies to make to you. Does this matter to you? One more side. Does her opinion of you matter? If so, why? I'm guessing it's because you still care about her. After you've moved on, this entire need might be moot point.
Dumbledore Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 , I doubt my apology would ever be accepted. I was really harsh out of anger and I wish I could take those things I said back. We all have our regrets. Anyway, like you say, I doubt she would be interested in your apology. And, when you think about it, it's really for your benefit. To make you feel better. The best thing you can do for her now is to stay out of her life, and not stir up more drama. You can learn from this experience. Things said in anger are often not crafted with much care.
Author motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Maybe in my mind it's all just an act of desperation. Imagine someone gave you a shiny new toy. It was the most amazing thing you've ever seen. It gave you real happiness and joy. Now the same person that gave it to you swiftly took it away, seemingly without any warning. You get angry and curse this person for having taken your joy away from you. You say mean awful things.. and then, like in some cartoon plot, you bargain.. you apologize for being so mean in hopes of possibly getting your shiny toy back. I think I'm flittering between anger and denial, or maybe both at the same time. The dots that connect grief together don't seem to be linear. It's all over the place. I'm not getting my toy back from this person. I did the cursing without the bargaining (of course this was way after the simple begging and pleading part) I really, really wish i could get this person out of my head.
troubleswithlove Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Although you are on NC terms, I believe that if you truly feel that bad about what you said to your ex you should apologize. It's something that will bother you again and again until it is done and out of the way. Maybe give a little bit of time and an email is suffice. That way you can get to the point get it said and done. Beyond that it doesn't really matter what comes back. As long as what you feel bad about is off of your chest. If she can't accept the apology she might not be ready to. But if your truly sorry and sincere that is all you can do. From that point on you can go back to NT terms and let everything move on
Dumbledore Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It's something that will bother you again and again until it is done and out of the way. Maybe give a little bit of time and an email is suffice. That way you can get to the point get it said and done. Beyond that it doesn't really matter what comes back. You make a good point. Sometimes living with the guilt is a tough road to take.
Dumbledore Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Imagine someone gave you a shiny new toy. It was the most amazing thing you've ever seen. It gave you real happiness and joy. Certainly, one can not be happy alone. Humans were not designed that way. But there is every chance you will find love again (shiny new toys get boring very quickly, but let's not go there). Say what you have to say to resolve your guilt, and draw a line. Unfortunately, you can't make a person love you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 motive, I went back on the one thread to refresh my memory. If you recall, the reason these comments existed was the first and last time you broke NC for a valid reason. Do you really want to revisit this again? It might be better but it also might be a whole lot worse, if she's still angry at you. Do you feel you're strong enough to potentially take worse?
Surfer Dude Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I cursed my ex, called her names and said some really nasty and mean things to her. True, she cheated on me and dumped me but... I didn't want our LT relationship to end on such terms. I mean, she was my love for 2 years, I wanted to be with her forever, there was just no way I would let her remember me as some guy who cursed her the last time we talked. So I sent her an email two weeks later, telling her that I'm forgiving her for everything and that I'm not mad anymore. I didn't say I was sorry (after all, she really hurt me), but I let her know I didn't hate her and that everything is fine. Maybe some people find this stupid, but I feel really uneasy if things are left on bad terms and will stay that way forever.
Author motive2002 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 It ended bad and remains there, as it shall remain there for good. She did tell me that she was blocking me from everything and never to contact her again. Sorta makes NC pretty easy. Makes apologizing pretty tough though. I guess I'm just not going to go there, and try to figure out some way to get past the guilt.
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