mindbender33 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I 36 and I have been seeing this woman for almost 2 months. This relationship feel different than any other ive ever been in. I have know her for about 6 years but we just had mutual friends. never really spent any time together. Her last relationship lasted bout 3 years. they planned a baby and had one. they were engaged. A little over a year ago he left her without even a word. he just didnt come home one day. When we started seeing each other she said she wanted to take things slow. We havent been taking it too slow. I am totally falling for her. This relationship feels so good and so right to me. I want to tell her im so falling in love with her but im afraid of scaring her off. she is all i think about. Please help with some advice. I know she is damaged from her last relationship, and she has a 20 mo old baby girl to think about. basiclly I want to know what you think. Should i tell her how i feel or should i wait
Joker77 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I 36 and I have been seeing this woman for almost 2 months. This relationship feel different than any other ive ever been in. I have know her for about 6 years but we just had mutual friends. never really spent any time together. Her last relationship lasted bout 3 years. they planned a baby and had one. they were engaged. A little over a year ago he left her without even a word. he just didnt come home one day. When we started seeing each other she said she wanted to take things slow. We havent been taking it too slow. I am totally falling for her. This relationship feels so good and so right to me. I want to tell her im so falling in love with her but im afraid of scaring her off. she is all i think about. Please help with some advice. I know she is damaged from her last relationship, and she has a 20 mo old baby girl to think about. basiclly I want to know what you think. Should i tell her how i feel or should i wait I wouldn't yet. You have plenty of time for that. I've done this twice way too soon and both times it blew up in my face.
motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I had a similar experience, and the advice from a friend was not to point out the "elephant in the room". I did not follow it and here I am today If your love is obvious to you, it's probably already obvious to her. No real need to declare it just yet. It's been in my limited experience that men tend to fall quicker than women do. (I'm generalizing, bear with me) But for women, a man has to pass a few more tests before she feels comfortable letting her guard down. By the time she is ready to fall, she falls much harder. You'll know when it's time. She will pretty much lay it out for you. In the meantime keep the "L" word off the table. Don't point out the elephant.
motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Also, just because you're brimming with emotion, doesn't mean that it's right or proper to declare your love without the right feedback from her. Give it some time. Wait for her to submit. When she says something along the lines of "Yenno, I really think I'm falling for you..." then reciprocate and she will feel completely secure, happy, relieved, overjoyed etc. Wait for her cue. Put it on her too fast when she hasn't decided will make things uncomfortable. She'll let you know if and when she's ready. It will be an obvious gesture.
Author mindbender33 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 How long do u think i shoul wait? We talk every day and see each other 2-3 times a week. Neither of us has ever been married. Like I said I have never felt this way about anyone. I am kinda shy. How can I know when the time is right? Any signs I should look for? Thanx for the imput. I dont want to loose her. I really feel she could be "the one" for me. I have never felt that way before
aamber Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 This is such a corny answer but there is no specific time to say "I love you" if you feel that you love them, say it now. Let them know where you stand.. When your in love you know it, it shouldn't be a word just to throw around. And defintly don't say it unless you yourself is comfortable with saying it otherwise it feels forced.. Good luck!
motive2002 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I disagree with aamber. Saying "I love you" is like putting all your cards face up. Whether or not you agree with me, I believe it is the pivotal point in a relationship, and letting that out 2 months in may be too early. Again wait for some signs from her first. Look for acts of submission. I know that's kind of vague, but it can be really subtle like that sometimes. Keep your sense of control for now. Let her reveal her feelings a little more before dropping that bomb on her.
AlektraClementine Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 A few things. First of all..no don't tell her yet. 2 months is still very much so in the Lust Phase. You are feeling a chemical reaction right now, not love. Aren't our brains tricky? Second, those of us women who have children don't just go ga-ga over men the way a single woman might. We have big responsibility. And no room for uncertainty. What if you change your mind? I'd give it a few more months. My relationship hit the 8 month mark before we said those words. Even though I'm pretty sure I remember feeling like I "loved" him on the first date. Just give it some time. And when you do, you won't have to guess for a second whether or not you mean it.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 If your penis is in her vagina on a regular basis, it would be a good time, in this old married fart's considered opinion
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm going to have to agree with Motive on this one. Given her past bad relationship, saying I love you too soon may send her running scared. I've had my share of nasty relationships, and afterwards, hearing those words would do one of two things to me. 1 - Freak me out because I wasn't ready for heavy emotion yet 2 - Latch on even though I didn't truly love him back, I just loved the idea of being in a good relationship.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 OP, I know someone (pretty intimately) a lot like your GF. Really bad marriage, kids, divorce, yuk. Got out of it. Started up with a new guy. All his actions were positive. Spent time with her. Had sex with her. Socialized with her. Friends and family. She ultimately moved in with him. Most recent report was that she finally gave up telling him she loved him because he had never said it to her, once. Maybe he's still waiting for the "right moment". It became a "convenient relationship". Oh, timeline.... 8 years My opinion: When someone is damaged, they run from healthy love because it is so unlike what their experience of love has been. The only way for them to change that perspective is to work on themselves and that likely won't happen without psychological counseling. BTW, even if you wait until she says it "first", beware that it might only be words, words that she "thinks" are the right ones to say, simply because she has no other form of reference. Do your actions already match the words you want to say? If yes, be a man and say them and take the risk that the timing is wrong. You will never completely know her perspective anyway. It's not your job. It's your job to understand and convey *your* healthy perspective on the relationship. How she responds is how she responds.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 My opinion: When someone is damaged, they run from healthy love because it is so unlike what their experience of love has been. The only way for them to change that perspective is to work on themselves and that likely won't happen without psychological counseling. BTW, even if you wait until she says it "first", beware that it might only be words, words that she "thinks" are the right ones to say, simply because she has no other form of reference. I don't think waiting for her to say it first is correct, but waiting for some time to pass would be ideal. Two months is not that long of time, especially since it's only been a year since her ex up and left her with no communication. I can't come close to imagining the impact that had on her, especially since she has a child. A child - that's another reason to be careful about the situation, it's not only her, but she has a child too. Do your actions already match the words you want to say? If yes, be a man and say them and take the risk that the timing is wrong. You will never completely know her perspective anyway. It's not your job. It's your job to understand and convey *your* healthy perspective on the relationship. How she responds is how she responds. If you show how you feel right now, then let that be enough for the time. Give this girl some time to ease into the relationship more.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Tell me, do you see sex as a recreational activity, like my wife does? She never worked through her damage. OP, are you having sex with this mother of a child? I'm not trying to tell you what to do, rather share my experience having loved damaged women and the results over long periods of time. Tell me about the last woman you said "I love you" to. There's something which caused you to post this OP and I don't think it's your GF.
james123 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I agree with the posters here. Wait for some more time, so that you can be sure of your feelings, and also to ensure you don't scare her away or make her uncomfortable.
Author mindbender33 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Tell me, do you see sex as a recreational activity, like my wife does? She never worked through her damage. OP, are you having sex with this mother of a child? I'm not trying to tell you what to do, rather share my experience having loved damaged women and the results over long periods of time. Tell me about the last woman you said "I love you" to. There's something which caused you to post this OP and I don't think it's your GF. First THANK YOU to everyone for the advice. im SO glad i found this site. The last woman I said "I love you" to turned into a nightmare of a relationship. We were together 5 years and that was 4 years too long. MY relationship before that wasn't much better. I am REALLY worried about scaring this woman off. On the other hand I want her to know how I feel about her. It is not purely a sexual thing. We have sex probably less than half the times we see each other. I have never dated a woman with a child either, but i really enjoy her kid. She calls me "shy guy". She made the first move on me. Like I said, we had be aquantences for 6 years. We started watching collage football together in august every saturday. I wanted to make a move on her, but i guess i am shy guy. I want her to know how happy she makes me. But I am so scared to run her off. I havent ever been in what I would call a good relationship. I just dont know what to do. thanks again everyone!!
carhill Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 OK, let's review: Acquaintances for six years Recently, in August, became more friendly Evidently, started dating in early November Have sex approximately every other time you see each other You're her "shy guy" and she made the first "move" on you I have a feeling you're going to hear further commentary I'm going to change my mind but not for the reason everyone thinks.... don't tell her ILY yet, not for her sake, but for your own. Good luck!
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