LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Aww, Millie...I'm feeling for you here. You've been in an A with your MM for going on 10 years now, and you don't even know his W's first name? And you have been in that A this whole time, and just married your H two years ago? Heavens, you should have found this board sooner! You've obviously thought enough of the what-ifs that you've decided to keep this pregnancy and baby. I don't think that your MM is going to talk you out of it. I guess the only thing that will force him to tell his W is the financial end of it...he will have a hard time explaining otherwise why his paycheck is coming up short. Well, hang in there, you know what you need to do. Work that out in your mind, Milie...don't expect your H to be supportive for you. Okay, I can see he has been in the picture throughout this whole A with your MM, and you have effectively been able to compartmentalize things. But it's time to step up to the plate and take ownership for your decisions and their results.
Author MillieJackson Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Lavendar Is that weird? That I don't know his wife’s name? I never ask anything about her and he doesn't talk about her when with me. That part of his life simply doesn’t exist. If she ever became a person, I would never have been able to be with him. I don't know his kids names either but he talks about them. You're right - compartmentalize is what I do very well. Being stoic, detached and analytical is something I unfortunately do very well and a large part of why my marriage isn't working
LavendarGirl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Lavendar Is that weird? That I don't know his wife’s name? I never ask anything about her and he doesn't talk about her when with me. That part of his life simply doesn’t exist. If she ever became a person, I would never have been able to be with him. I don't know his kids names either but he talks about them. You're right - compartmentalize is what I do very well. Being stoic, detached and analytical is something I unfortunately do very well and a large part of why my marriage isn't working Yes, Millie, it is weird that you don't know their names. Sorry, girl, just calling it like I see it. You need to learn their names, google his if you have to. You need to face that there are -people- in his life, it might give you clearer perspective on what you have been avoiding for a decade. You've got a lot here on your plate...perhaps you should first consider meeting with a therapist who can help you work through your emotional and interpersonal issues as your new life unfolds?
Author MillieJackson Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Yes, Millie, it is weird that you don't know their names. Sorry, girl, just calling it like I see it. You need to learn their names, google his if you have to. You need to face that there are -people- in his life, it might give you clearer perspective on what you have been avoiding for a decade. You've got a lot here on your plate...perhaps you should first consider meeting with a therapist who can help you work through your emotional and interpersonal issues as your new life unfolds? Yeah - I guess it is kinda odd - lol. Denial I guess. In one of the threads on here, I read that a W, was able to tell the OW was doing web searches on her. How is that possible? Do you know? I don't wanna be a cyber stalker. Well - I don't want anybody to know I'm doing it
jj33 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Millie - apologies if I sounded harsh and am really pleased by your response. It is far more than i expected it to be and shows I misjudged you. You sound like you understand the issues and just need support - I wish you well with this and hope it works out the way you want it to. Just out of curiousity what resolution are you hoping for? Perhaps you dont know at this juncture and are just taking it day to day?
2sure Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 There are several OW on this board who have had children by their MM - I'm sure they will post soon. As you know, the law varies from state to state regarding who the legal child of a marriage is considered to be. Some (few) states still have that if you are married you husband is considered the father - however this is easily and often rectified through some kind of filing as I understand it. No doubt, the MM and his wife will demand a paternity test - which of course you need to have - this cannot be done with extremely accurate results until after the birth. Since you have your own home and viable skills/employment there is almost no way MM will be able to get full custody of your child - unless you have been convicted of a violent crime or a crime against children. In a case like this I bet it is more likely you will get full custody and he will get visitation . Remember you get the child support (once paternity is proved) regardless of whether HE is awarded visitation (or if he chooses not to take it). If his wife is openly hostile, its possible even visitation will be modified. As these things go - your circumstance sounds doable (at least on your end). And CONGRATULATIONS!
jwi71 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I am sure MM will ask me to have an abortion, which is another reason I won't tell him until much later. He won't want me to have the baby - I'm not even remotely disillusioned about that or where I fit into his life. He can't FORCE you to have an abortion. I see no benefit in waiting other than placating fear. It'll happen sooner or later...no need in trying to put off the inevitable. Get it over with so you have one less thing to worry about. What kind of benefits to filing first? In my state, the filer goes first, speaks first and is considered the "plaintiff" in some technical matters. According to my lawyer, in Texas anyway. I actually didn't file...turning away at the proverbial last minute. BTW - am I sharing too much?Share as much or as little as you wish. You must balance giving out information versus privacy - the more info we get, the better we are at helping. You're gonna have to help me here. If there is nothing to be lost by filing for D, why wait? If there is nothing to be lost then there is nothing to be lost. Why wait? Or is it something else. I re-read your posts and your language is couched. Do you REALLY want to file for D?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You need to see a lawyer, and big time. Any number of things can happen between now and when you have the baby, and this is something you want to take care of now.
Author MillieJackson Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Millie - apologies if I sounded harsh and am really pleased by your response. It is far more than i expected it to be and shows I misjudged you. You sound like you understand the issues and just need support - I wish you well with this and hope it works out the way you want it to. Just out of curiousity what resolution are you hoping for? Perhaps you dont know at this juncture and are just taking it day to day? Hi JJ - No need to apologize for being honest, I can for honest advice. Thank you for the well wishes. The resolution I hope for? Not entirely sure really. First that MM's marriage stays in tact, that his wife and kids are not too hurt and disappointed, that he and I can remain amicable for the sake of the child, that he pay CS and has a presence in the childs life, no more 'romance' . For my husband - not sure, that we can part in good terms. beyond that, can't say
Author MillieJackson Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 There are several OW on this board who have had children by their MM - I'm sure they will post soon. As you know, the law varies from state to state regarding who the legal child of a marriage is considered to be. Some (few) states still have that if you are married you husband is considered the father - however this is easily and often rectified through some kind of filing as I understand it. No doubt, the MM and his wife will demand a paternity test - which of course you need to have - this cannot be done with extremely accurate results until after the birth. Since you have your own home and viable skills/employment there is almost no way MM will be able to get full custody of your child - unless you have been convicted of a violent crime or a crime against children. In a case like this I bet it is more likely you will get full custody and he will get visitation . Remember you get the child support (once paternity is proved) regardless of whether HE is awarded visitation (or if he chooses not to take it). If his wife is openly hostile, its possible even visitation will be modified. As these things go - your circumstance sounds doable (at least on your end). And CONGRATULATIONS! Hey 2sure - you are the first person in this whole world to say congrats!!! Thank you for that. And thank you for posting. I'm ok of course with a paternity and visitation (if he wants visitation). A little concerned about how W and the kids will treat my child but we'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess. Have an appointment with a laweyer Monday.
Author MillieJackson Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 Hi JW. I think our states are similar as far as laws are concerned. I know he can't foprce me to have an abortion but I know he'll ask and pressure me. I can't handle that. And you're right - all these fears I have about the abortion discussion or even fears for my safety are unfounded. Bad habit of mine, to assume the worst. I need to relax. Why wait for D? Because I have no idea how involved it is, I a lot of my plate right now and if there is no urgency, I'd like to deal with things in a manner I could manage. Baby, Husbands feelings, career, MM and his family, wrapping up a business venture I recently started, moving, etc... Plus, I know it may sound like a little thing, but I'd like my husband to be the one to say he's leaving. I don't fully understand why yet. I think it's because I'm being a passive coward and because it somehow seems kinder (I know, I know) And yes - I do want a D, my concerns\hesitations are more pragmatic than anything.
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Fair enough Millie. My only advice, and this is more of a philosophy of life for me, is to be proactive and not reactive. Don't wait if you don't have to. As time passes, your plate will swell (pun intended) . Don't worry how his W will react. She will react as she chooses. Maybe she forgives him, maybe she throws him out and files for D...who knows? Not YOUR problem how she reacts - so DON'T worry about them. Focus on you (and your child). No, not passive coward. Just scared at the two major life changes coming your way. Pregnancy and divorce are SCARY and life altering. But, you WILL make it. You just keep posting and we'll keep replying. You have taken the first steps down a long, scary and ultimately rewarding path. You get scared, post here.
Freedom Now Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I didn't read this post all the way through, but I can share my experience. My xMM is an attorney, so it was pretty clear for me.... After we separated from our spouses, he insisted on a paternity test ASAP which proved that he was the father. I told my husband (which was the hardest thing I have ever done...) and he stopped paying child support, of course. My xMM paid child support for her without fail. He is now paying for her college in its entirety, so he was a man of integrity. The birth certificate? She has the same last name as my ex-husband. She was born in the marriage and I felt no need to change her name to her true father, as it would cause many questions to be asked of her growing up. Both men were in agreement with me. We knew who her father was, and that was enough. We felt there was no need to draw attention to her conception. It wasn't her fault that I cheated. So, I kept the name the same on the birth certificate. And it has turned out fine for us.
Freedom Now Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 And after I read what I wrote, I felt I needed to explain the visitation and what not.... She visited her father often and traveled with him. At first, there was animosity between her and her half sisters (his children from his marriage). I did put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will I allow her to be treated poorly as it was NOT her fault that we had an affair. Now (fast forward 18 years) she gets along fine with her half sisters, but it was rocky for the first several years. My friends and family, his friends and family, and my daughter's friends and family know about the circumstances around her birth.... She clearly tells anyone who asks her about herself that her father is her father, but we don't share it with just everyone. But, I will say....when I do tell someone the whole story, I have not once gotten judgment from them. And I think that she could say the same, as well as her father. She adores his family, as they have accepted her without question. (However, had he remained married, I think the story would have ended much differently....) So, I guess we handled things well....as much as you can in these situations, at least. Congratulations on the upcoming birth, but you are in for a hard, tough road. I was 25 when this all happened to me, and it made me grow up fast. I pray for peace for you and your baby.
Trimmer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I did put my foot down and told him that under no circumstances will I allow her to be treated poorly as it was NOT her fault that we had an affair.... But, I will say....when I do tell someone the whole story, I have not once gotten judgment from them. And I think that she could say the same, as well as her father. She adores his family, as they have accepted her without question. (However, had he remained married, I think the story would have ended much differently....) So, I guess we handled things well....as much as you can in these situations, at least. In spite of how things started, you figured out how to act like responsible parents to your daughter. You have my respect for that. As far as the birth certificate, I understand that she was given your ex-husband's last name - that probably made things easier for her than the alternative of her biological father's last name. Did you list a father on the BC?
Freedom Now Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yes, my ex-husband is listed as her father on the birth certificate. We were married and living together, and the affair was still a secret when I had her, and I honestly didn't know which was the father when she was born. We didn't do the paternity test until months after she was born and although her father wanted her named changed legally, I fought it for reasons I discussed in an earlier post on this thread. I just wanted her to have a normal life and protect her from unnecessary talk. For us, it has worked.
herenow Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yes, my ex-husband is listed as her father on the birth certificate. We were married and living together, and the affair was still a secret when I had her, and I honestly didn't know which was the father when she was born. We didn't do the paternity test until months after she was born and although her father wanted her named changed legally, I fought it for reasons I discussed in an earlier post on this thread. I just wanted her to have a normal life and protect her from unnecessary talk. For us, it has worked. Does she know who her biological father is?
Freedom Now Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Of course. I stated that earlier in this thread. She has known for years. She knows everything. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. When I speak about her relationship with family, it is with HIS family, not my ex-husband's.
herenow Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Of course. I stated that earlier in this thread. She has known for years. She knows everything. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. When I speak about her relationship with family, it is with HIS family, not my ex-husband's. OK, thanks.
Freedom Now Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 It can get confusing. Trust me, I lived it. For the first several years, she saw her biological father AND my ex-husband. Kinda like two dads... My ex-husband faded out of the picture years ago, but still remembers her on her birthday and holidays. As do his parents. But, from the moment her biological father's family knew of her existance, she was welcomed with open arms. Looking back, I don't know how in the world we all made it through that mess intact. I swear, it was so, so hard. And Oh so tiring....
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