Legalities for a MW having a child with MM?

[MillieJackson]

Hi group - I'm new. Been observing for the last few days and decided to finally join

 

I have a question, was hoping some of you can answer and perhaps provide some resources for me please?

 

I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. Since this seems to be the place a person can get honest feedback without judgement, thought I'd ask if anybody knew the legalities involved. I know that in some states, a husband is assumed the father of the child. Does this mean I won't be able to put the MM name on the birth certificate? Does this mean my husband will be assumed financially responsible or can I still collect CS from the married man and father, even if I am married to somebody else? How can I protect my child against the MM father possibly wanting sole custody?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks!

[signedin2008]

More background is needed. Is the affair still going on? Does your husband know that the child is not his? Are you sure the child is the MM's? Do you have other kids? Is your husband willing to forgive and raise the child as his own? What are your intentions? What are your plans?

[MillieJackson]

Nobody knows I'm pregnant yet - nobody.

The affair is still going on but I'm sure once this comes out it won't be. I'm pretty sure my marriage is soon to follow, if not by H's choice, by mine

I'm confident it's not H's because of timing. we haven't been together in months - numerous months.

 

I intend to keep the child. I have no other children

[wildsoul]

I know that in some states, a husband is assumed the father of the child. Does this mean I won't be able to put the MM name on the birth certificate? Does this mean my husband will be assumed financially responsible or can I still collect CS from the married man and father, even if I am married to somebody else? How can I protect my child against the MM father possibly wanting sole custody?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks!

Hello and welcome!

 

Because of the important short/long-term consequnces of your decisions, I wouldn't follow legal advice off a forum. You really should be speaking to a lawyer or qualified county agency. If you don't know what agency to call, perhaps a local attorney will refer you.

 

We're much better at giving you feedback, advice, and a private place to sort out your thoughts/feelings related to your affair.

 

Ps: I'm not trying to discourage you from posting! Just concerned that you get sound legal counsel.

[MillieJackson]

Hi Wildsoul - love your avatar.

Thanks for the advice. I agree - I would of course seek proper counsel but I don't even know where to start. I was lurking for a few days and saw some pretty interesting points being raised by others, things I never would have thought of and things to consider. Was just kinda putting feelers out there to get personal experiences and the like.

[Trimmer]

I agree with the advice NOT to take advice on such a potentially delicate legal matter from an internet forum. If you have no other leads, go to your yellow pages, look up "Attorneys" and look for the "Family Law" specialty. Call up someone and ask for an initial consultation. Lay it all out as clearly and completely as you can to get the best advice.

[MillieJackson]

I agree with you on getting good and offical legal advice and do intend to contact an attorney. But I would like to hear other peoples thoughts, ideas and experiences. you know... Just in case things are discussed that I may not have even thought of - and I'm sure there'll be much -lol

[Trimmer]

So, it sounds like you expect that the affair is likely to be over, and possibly/probably the marriage, too. How do you think it will play out - will you just let the pregnancy become known and let everyone put it all together - chips fall where they may - or are you going to take action to move things along under some semblance of your own control?

 

You won't have a whole lot of time to sit around thinking about it, really. Inaction will mean that things will unfold completely out of your control, and it seems like that will start to happen pretty soon....

[MillieJackson]

The affair has always been just sexual in nature - no more or less, no feelings, expectations, no emotional bond. It's always been like that on both our parts. I suspect my appeal to MM was uninhibited sex without all the responsibility of a wife, relationship or family. A baby changes that dynamic. I don't plan on telling MM until very late for a few reasons. Don't trust the safety of the baby or myself.

 

Husband will be a different matter - truth be told, we have a marriage of convenience. I’m not even sure he’ll be upset - lol. I think we both always planned that once the convenience\mutual benefits runs out, so would the marriage. He's in it for his reasons, me for mine - neither of which is love or long term plans

 

I'm not sure I have any other options than to just let them know and let the chips fall where they may. I would like to protect myself and child first though from both Husband and MM. won’t tell MM till I’m further along, have consulted a lawyer, know my options and set things in motion]

[LavendarGirl]

If you are pregnant and pretty sure its the MMs baby, I would recommend that you begin the process of divorcing your H now...before you begin to show. With your divorce attorney, be upfront about your pregnancy.

 

Divorcing your H now will spare him more stress and pain. And when you begin to show being pregnant, or when the word leaks out that you are, you need to be honest with your H about him not being the father. This is only fair to him and his heart.

 

You should also inform the MM about your pregnancy and plans for D. It sounds like you plan on getting support from him (which is reasonable). Anticipate having a paternity test to establish that. Also anticipate that with support comes visitation. It is only fair for the father of your child to have access to the baby and an opportunity to establish that relationship.

 

Legally, he can fight for sole custody, but of course chances are that he wouldn't want to (it would complicate his marriage, etc). Just don't make the idea tempting for him. So, let him see that you are acting responsibly as a mom and that you are going to make it easy for him to visit and get to know his baby.

 

Good luck to you, this is a challenging situation you are in. Think of that baby and bringing that baby into the world in a loving stable environment, and make that your goal.

 

--LG.

[jwi71]

Hi group - I'm new. Been observing for the last few days and decided to finally join

 

I have a question, was hoping some of you can answer and perhaps provide some resources for me please?

 

I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. Since this seems to be the place a person can get honest feedback without judgement, thought I'd ask if anybody knew the legalities involved. I know that in some states, a husband is assumed the father of the child. Does this mean I won't be able to put the MM name on the birth certificate? Does this mean my husband will be assumed financially responsible or can I still collect CS from the married man and father, even if I am married to somebody else? How can I protect my child against the MM father possibly wanting sole custody?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks!

 

Find a Family Law attorney now. NOW.

 

To answer your Qs:

I distinctly remember the thrill I got when my W and I filled out the birth certificate for our children. YOU fill it out, not the hospital - so feel free to put a name or leave it blank if you are unsure. I suggest you inform your lovers before then.

 

You have the cart before the horse. You don't KNOW who the father is. IF the question is how can you select which man to provide support payments (presumably so you get more money), I can't answer that. I can make a strong case for either man to pay the CS. Like I said, hire a lawyer NOW and ask him/her.

 

In the US, the current zeitgeist is for parents to share custody. I find it improbable that the courts would provide sole custody to one parent or the other. There are of course situations where that is warranted but getting pregnant by a MM is NOT one of them. Again, find a lawyer NOW.

 

Questions for you:

How will your MM's react to becoming a father (again?)? How will his W and their children react? What makes you think your MM would WANT to raise the child?

[MillieJackson]

If you are pregnant and pretty sure its the MMs baby, I would recommend that you begin the process of divorcing your H now...before you begin to show. With your divorce attorney, be upfront about your pregnancy.

 

Divorcing your H now will spare him more stress and pain. And when you begin to show being pregnant, or when the word leaks out that you are, you need to be honest with your H about him not being the father. This is only fair to him and his heart.

 

You should also inform the MM about your pregnancy and plans for D. It sounds like you plan on getting support from him (which is reasonable). Anticipate having a paternity test to establish that. Also anticipate that with support comes visitation. It is only fair for the father of your child to have access to the baby and an opportunity to establish that relationship.

 

Legally, he can fight for sole custody, but of course chances are that he wouldn't want to (it would complicate his marriage, etc). Just don't make the idea tempting for him. So, let him see that you are acting responsibly as a mom and that you are going to make it easy for him to visit and get to know his baby.

 

Good luck to you, this is a challenging situation you are in. Think of that baby and bringing that baby into the world in a loving stable environment, and make that your goal.

 

--LG.

 

Wow LavendarGirl - While I know you're right, it seems like a lot to happen very fast. Its overwhelming. I'm already reeling from just being preggers, having to face the reality of the affair that I've been in denial about, telling my husband, fears about the future... actually moving to divorce overwhelms me.

 

Honestly, when I tell my hubby I'm pregnant, he'll know it's not his. We have not had sex (with each other) in a very very long time.

 

While I intend to tell H within the next few weeks about the baby, I won't tell MM about the pregnancy until much later. I do intend to get support from MM. While I make a comfortable living, I can't do it alone, nor will i assume there won't be a time in the future my child won't need it. I'm ok with visitation. I'm actually hoping he (MM) will take a somewhat active role in the childs life, if his wife permits. although I am prepared to deal with the consequences it he chooses not to. I do actually have a fear about custody, only because in the past when we talked about pregnancy in joke or passing he'd "jokingly" say he'd be keeping the child. Probably to discourage me from ever getting pregnant or speaking from a CS prespective since I'd have to pay in that case.

 

Thank you very much for your advice - I will certainly give thought to starting the divorce, do plan on telling my husband very soon and will most def make the child priority.

[MillieJackson]

Hi JW - thanks for your input

 

I'm almost sure I heard somewhere that women can't just put a mans name on a birth certificate without his consent or knowledge. In fact, I think I read here in one of the threads that a woman had to take her MM to court to get his name on her childs certificate. But then I've read so many over the last few days, I may be mistaking the facts.

 

I DO know who the father is. I just got the positive pregnancy test, I'm about 4 weeks along. I have not had sex with my husband in at least 3 months, maybe longer.

 

To answer your question, MM is not going to take the news well. He loves his wife, his kids and his family. For all intents and purposes, he appears to be the "ideal" husband and family man. And honestly - if not for the infedelity - he is actually a good husband and father. His reputation is also very important to him. Its not going to go well.

 

Why do I think he'd even want the child? because in the past, over the years when we've joked about pregnancy, he would always say the same "joke". Something to the effect of if he I got pregnant, he would keep the child. It was never a serious discussion or consideration but the fact that it was said often just makes me know its a possibility, be it to deter me from having a baby or whatever. If may very well be a non-issue but I'd still like to be prepared for any possbilites

[Trimmer]

I don't plan on telling MM until very late for a few reasons. Don't trust the safety of the baby or myself.

I want to key in on this comment for a moment here. Other than his custody "joke" that you've mentioned (i.e. if you got pregnant, he'd keep the child...) do you have other reason to fear for your actual safety? Do you have reason to believe he might do "something stupid" in a physical way to you? Is there any actual history or indication of this in the past?

 

This comment really jumped out at me. How strong is this concern for you?

[LavendarGirl]

Wow LavendarGirl - While I know you're right, it seems like a lot to happen very fast. Its overwhelming. I'm already reeling from just being preggers, having to face the reality of the affair that I've been in denial about, telling my husband, fears about the future... actually moving to divorce overwhelms me.

 

Hate to point out the obvious, but you've got a timeline already set for you. Let's see, you have maybe 2 or 3 months until you show, and maybe 7 or 8 months until you have a baby? And you are NOT going to want to wait until the end of your pregnancy to get your life in order here.

 

I'd recommend asking for a D first from H. Let him deal with the concept of a D before you let him know you are pregnant with another man's child. If you and your H haven't been having sex regularily enough for him to think he could get you pregnant, then it will probably not be that much of a shocker to him that you are asking for a D.

 

Deal with H first, then deal with MM second.

 

Good luck, you have your hands full!

 

--LG.

[MillieJackson]

I want to key in on this comment for a moment here. Other than his custody "joke" that you've mentioned (i.e. if you got pregnant, he'd keep the child...) do you have other reason to fear for your actual safety? Do you have reason to believe he might do "something stupid" in a physical way to you? Is there any actual history or indication of this in the past?

 

This comment really jumped out at me. How strong is this concern for you?

 

Honestly, I have no real basis for the concern. He has never ever been violent or abusive in anyway - physically, mentally, verbally - never. I just know people tend to do desperate things to protect what is dear to them (and I watch a lot of Law and Order and Lifetime tv- LMAO). But seriously, I simply tend to think the worst (oddly except for the pregnancy - I'm optimistic). I know he has a lot to possibly lose. His wife, his family, their trust, finances, his reputation, the reputation of his family. Although he's never done or said anything to indicate he'd ever harm me in anyway, it's not like people haven't flipped before when faced with losing what is dear to them out of desperation. Specifically family and money. Seems contradictory but he actually is a good husband and father. Karate on monday, football on Wednesday, ballet Friday, in-laws go over EVERY Sunday for dinner and football, they go to church as a family every Sunday. I honestly don't know how he'd handle being found out to not only be unfaithful but also a child. Perhaps I’m being a hypochondriac but I do have the fear.

[MillieJackson]

LavendarGirl - I know you're right. I'm just scared.

I know it sounds incredibly cowardly, i know that when you fail to take control of a situation, the situation controls you - but I'm tempted to just tell H and let the chips fall where they may. Allow him to broach the issue of D, see what he thinks before I lay my cards on the table. Not saying it's the right or smartest way, just what I'm comfortable with as of now. Plus I'm not sure about dealing with so much at once - between being pregnant, balancing my career and preparing for the impact being pregnant may have on my career, having to possibly move, dealing with my fanily.. not sure i can handle a divorce at the same time. What do you think the impact would be if we waited till after the child was born to start the divorce. Assuming I'd be given that option from H once he knows.

 

Also sounding a bit odd - I think just starting a D would add insult to injury. I had an affair, I'm having a baby for him and BTW here are divorce papers. wouldn't him saying he wants a D to the power to decide what he wants provide some semblance of control for my H, even if it's a false sense?

[LavendarGirl]

Millie,

You are saying that you had an A behind your H's back, and now you want him to support you through a pregnancy because it's too overwhelming. Is that because your H is the love of your life and you feel you made a little flub-up here? Or is it really because you are being a coward at what you are facing, and you think it's fair to have him to lean on?

 

If you want to continue through with this pregnancy, you need to stand on your own two feet through it. You can do it, but it's not going to be easy.

 

--LG.

[jj33]

Milli just starting a D doesnt add insult to injury if you want a D.

 

I dont know your H but if you want out of the marriage, which it sounds like you would have if you hadnt gotten pregnant, dont you think your H knows that on some level?

 

Unless he is totally smitten with you and overprotective and adoring etc (am holding back from using the word that comes to mind)....

 

do you REALLY think he is going to want to stay married to you while you are pregnant with another man's child?

 

You better wake up and fast. Very very fast.

 

1. Go and get real legal advice - not our musings on what maybe you should do - find out what the MMs obligations are.

 

2. Do whatever you need to do to protect youself from MM - which begs the question of why you were having sex with someone from whom you feel you need protection against physical violence but there you go...

 

2. talk to your H about the situation before you start to show - unless you plan on letting him believe its his... (which seems to be what you plan to do if you are just going to let things slide)

 

3. Start looking for a place to live and be ready to sign a lease when you tell your H

 

4. Expect that your H will want to throw you out and not have anything to do with you (but see above if he is w****** the result may be different)

 

Unfortunately you have really gotten yourself into a mess and you can coast or you can start to take responsibility.

 

Unless you have a very active job or are a model of some sort being pregnant shouldnt harm your career and in fact under the sex discrimination laws they cant take your job away because you are pregnant

[MillieJackson]

Millie,

You are saying that you had an A behind your H's back, and now you want him to support you through a pregnancy because it's too overwhelming. Is that because your H is the love of your life and you feel you made a little flub-up here? Or is it really because you are being a coward at what you are facing, and you think it's fair to have him to lean on?

 

If you want to continue through with this pregnancy, you need to stand on your own two feet through it. You can do it, but it's not going to be easy.

 

--LG.

 

No - I don't expect or want him to support me through the pregnancy. I'd totally understand and expect we'd separate with intent to divorce. I just want to hold off on starting the D process. If we're apart and already resolved to divorce, it's just a matter of paperwork IMO, and whats the rush? I am being a coward but I don't expect to lean on him. I am prepared (or getting prepared) to stand on my own. Scared ****less but prepared

[jwi71]

Hi JW - thanks for your input

 

I'm almost sure I heard somewhere that women can't just put a mans name on a birth certificate without his consent or knowledge. In fact, I think I read here in one of the threads that a woman had to take her MM to court to get his name on her childs certificate. But then I've read so many over the last few days, I may be mistaking the facts.

 

I DO know who the father is. I just got the positive pregnancy test, I'm about 4 weeks along. I have not had sex with my husband in at least 3 months, maybe longer.

 

To answer your question, MM is not going to take the news well. He loves his wife, his kids and his family. For all intents and purposes, he appears to be the "ideal" husband and family man. And honestly - if not for the infedelity - he is actually a good husband and father. His reputation is also very important to him. Its not going to go well.

 

Why do I think he'd even want the child? because in the past, over the years when we've joked about pregnancy, he would always say the same "joke". Something to the effect of if he I got pregnant, he would keep the child. It was never a serious discussion or consideration but the fact that it was said often just makes me know its a possibility, be it to deter me from having a baby or whatever. If may very well be a non-issue but I'd still like to be prepared for any possbilites

 

Millie,

 

What are you thinking?

 

Do you expect your MM to go home to his W and kids and announce over meat loaf that his mistress is pregnant and he will bring home Jr shortly?

No dear. I bet his W doesn't even know you exist.

 

I think your MM either pushes you to give up the baby or have an abortion. He will NOT be thrilled. Its one more financial burden - not to mention it will put his "perfect" life into a tailspin. Especially when the constable knocks on his door serving him papers for CS. I would shocked if your MM tried for full custody of the child. You have far more pressing issues right now.

 

Your H will be decidedly unhappy as well. File divorce yourself or expect it from your H shortly. In my state, there are advantages to filing first.

 

Again, get a lawyer NOW.

 

Then began all the steps of beginning a new life for yourself and your child.

You know, apartment, furniture, utilities...all that fun stuff.

 

Good luck Millie...post as you like, vent as you like...

 

(And kids are awesome - the most rewarding thing in life (and most frustrating))

[MillieJackson]

Hi JJ - thank you for your feedback.

 

It looks like I wasn't clear. When I said I didn't want to be the one to, I didn't mean I don't want the D, I do. And I want to separate immed. I just don't want to do the actual process right now. for all intents and purposes, the marriage would be over, we'd be apart and make it "official" later. I don't want or expect him to stick around. Also, I'm pretty sure he wants out too, so I thought (and maybe this is dumb) that I give him a sense of control by allowing him to be the one to say he wants the D. Kick me to the crb, instead of the other way around. You know - instead of me saying 'I'm having an affair, I'm having his baby, and I'm the one leaving you". I know it seems moot (kinda).

 

1. Agree with you, need legal advise and soon.

 

2. Fear for my safety comes from being pregnant and knowing MM has much to lose, nothing else. never been abusive or given me reason to fear him ever.

 

3. no way I can tell H it's his. We have not had sex in several months. Even if that was not the case, I would never allow that to happen

 

4. Don't have to find a place. I never sold my house - we both kept our pre-marital homes and rented them out. Mine is vacant right now.

 

I know they can't legally fire me. I don't want to give too much detail about what I do but I am an exec in a competitive, male dominated and demanding field. The politics can get nasty. For the past 2 years I've been on a plane twice a week, every week. Definitely can't do that pregnant and won't be able to do it once the child is here. It’s going to be an issue

 

You're right, I do have to be more pro-active

[LavendarGirl]

No - I don't expect or want him to support me through the pregnancy. I'd totally understand and expect we'd separate with intent to divorce. I just want to hold off on starting the D process. If we're apart and already resolved to divorce, it's just a matter of paperwork IMO, and whats the rush? I am being a coward but I don't expect to lean on him. I am prepared (or getting prepared) to stand on my own. Scared ****less but prepared

 

Dragging your feet will only put your H through more hell. I think you don't want to rush it because you want your H as emotional support on some level, and that's just not a fair thing to ask of him.

 

Looking at your post reply to JJ. Don't put it on your H's shoulders to be the one in the driver's seat for the D. You need to be the responsible party here.

[MillieJackson]

Millie,

 

What are you thinking?

 

Do you expect your MM to go home to his W and kids and announce over meat loaf that his mistress is pregnant and he will bring home Jr shortly?

No dear. I bet his W doesn't even know you exist.

 

I think your MM either pushes you to give up the baby or have an abortion. He will NOT be thrilled. Its one more financial burden - not to mention it will put his "perfect" life into a tailspin. Especially when the constable knocks on his door serving him papers for CS. I would shocked if your MM tried for full custody of the child. You have far more pressing issues right now.

 

Your H will be decidedly unhappy as well. File divorce yourself or expect it from your H shortly. In my state, there are advantages to filing first.

 

Again, get a lawyer NOW.

 

Then began all the steps of beginning a new life for yourself and your child.

You know, apartment, furniture, utilities...all that fun stuff.

 

Good luck Millie...post as you like, vent as you like...

 

(And kids are awesome - the most rewarding thing in life (and most frustrating))

 

 

Hi JW - No I don't expect MM to go home and tell W he's bringing home jr. But he will have to tell her eventually. And honestly, I don't know what to expect. maybe she knows nothing about me, maybe she'll have a fit, maybe he's been caught with other affairs in the past and she's passive, maybe she'll be blind sided, maybe she'll be the one in control, maybe he will. i know absolutley nothing about her or their marriage - nothing. After 9 years, i don't even know her first name.

 

I am sure MM will ask me to have an abortion, which is another reason I won't tell him until much later. He won't want me to have the baby - I'm not even remotely disillusioned about that or where I fit into his life.

 

What kind of benefits to filing first? I’m not really worried about the financial aspect. We’ve only been married for 2 years, I won’t fight over our marital assets, I expect nothing from him, and I doubt he’ll try to get ugly. We both make a decent income and had homes, investments and business ventures before we married. Outside of marital home, joint business venture and common expenses, we've kept most things seprate. because we both travel with work and have a groove that works, merging things was an intent but not an urgent one.

 

Thanks for the welcome to the board and encouragement.

 

BTW - am I sharing too much?

[MillieJackson]

Dragging your feet will only put your H through more hell. I think you don't want to rush it because you want your H as emotional support on some level, and that's just not a fair thing to ask of him.

 

Looking at your post reply to JJ. Don't put it on your H's shoulders to be the one in the driver's seat for the D. You need to be the responsible party here.

 

Think you might be right about me wnating some emotional supprt. to be honest, I don't really know what the hell I expect or want as far as my H is concerned