not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 ok, so it's 2 months since my now ex dumped me........................things had been tense for a while..............mostly on my side, because i got the feeling he'd been trying to get me to break up with him for a while.............which he denies. the sh*t then hit the fan about 3 months ago when he made a huge blunder............lost his temper over a misunderstanding, and stood me up for a family event.....his family, not mine. and didn't contact me for two days...............i was stressed with other things outside of relationship................combination left me feeling very sour. how could he have treated me like that? i got annoyed with how he let his temper dictate his actions. he couldn't see anything wrong with it. he said stuff i'd said to him (which he misunderstood!!!!) made him angry. bottom line is, we hadn't been communicating so well up to then...........he has said some pretty horrible things to me in the last few months we were together.............i'm not sure why i'm going thru all of this...............basically though, i was always making the effort, always. (read my last post in coping section...........post here instead of contacting your ex for a look at the scenario, better understanding) anyway..........after i was stood up.............he rang me two days later pretending nothing happened. i completely lashed out at him on phone. he texted me next day apologising. could we talk? but i was too upset to talk at that stage.................so i said i'd contact him when i wanted to talk. the next weekend, we met up. very unsuccessful. he said i already appeared to have my mind made up that it was over. which wasn't true, but i was unsure about things. i loved him, and didn't want it to end. he said we had a lot going for us. i had been talking to a girl who knows him that day, saying the night before at a party i was also meant to be at, he was crying because he missed me so much and knew he had messed up. however, when we spoke, he said he wasn't sorry he got angry, because it had been in response to something i had said. he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again. which i wasn't happy about. we said we'd meet up in two weeks and talk again. we texted a little. but weren't quite sure what to say. i rang him a few days before we met up. and he told me i should maybe consider looking for work abroad..............i said, now it sounds like you've made your mind up. he said we needed to talk in person. so we met on the friday. decided we'd stick things out, take it slowly and see how it went. but we didn't talk about anything then that had happened. it was a nice night though, we avoided serious conversation and just had a laugh. next night awkward................he says things aren't the same.............i said we haven't talked about it..........we need to, can't expect things to go back to normal straight away. so i waited all day sunday for him to text. eventually he did. i knew going in in the car to meet him, it didn't feel right. i wanted to believe we were going in to sort out our issues............but i guessed otherwise and i was right. he broke up with me. told me how much he loved me, but he was doing this to prevent it all happening again six months down the road. or when we went travelling. blah blah blah. i told him i wanted to try and sort things out. but he said he wanted a clean break. i got angry almost two weeks later....................i felt i had more reason to break up with him, and yet i was the one who wanted to make the effort. like always. but he wasn't in it. so i sent an email. told him we'd never be together again..........not because of our problems, but because i didn't want to be with someone who couldn't make the effort for me. but i also told him how much he'd meant to me, and how many happy memories we had, and how i wanted to be friends someday. he replied back, apologising for the confusion over the weekend we broke up. saying he didn't want to argue all my points if i felt that's what i had to do for closure. he also said he was miserable without me, as he knew he would be. and that hearing me say we could never be together again hurt, even if it was true. and he also wanted to be friends. he has since point blank ignored me when i ran into him in a bar in town. turned in the opposite direction. and then he texted me happy christmas. but since he dropped back my stuff 5 weeks ago, there has been no contact other than the text. ok, whew. long story, which i have probably typed already here somewhere but again need to get it out. sorry, i'm sure there is repitition! i sent that email for closure, but i didn't get it because information i hadn't known before was revealed. and even though i feel i've healed a lot since then, i still yo-yo up and down between never ever wanting to see him again, or hear about him again..............to just wanting to be with him again. i don't know if you could say i love him anymore..................but the feelings are certainly still there, without a doubt. i don't know how i'll feel if i see him again. i keep wondering is he with someone else. i have a few questions; 1) did i shoot myself in the foot, preventing any chance of a reconciliation by sending that email? 2) if so, does that mean it's up to me to make contact first, even though it was he dumped me? 3) I don't even know what i want to contact him about..............i feel we deserve another chance. but i know he has to be in it too. he really hurt me. but when i look at it...........i must have hurt him too. the point is we never got to address our issues, because when he wanted to talk, I was too upset…………and by the time I wanted to talk, he’d already made his decision. We weren’t communicating well, but we could have fixed that. it just feels unfinished………like if we could have talked about it, things would have worked out differently. Everyone always said what a great couple we were. And it’s true. I’d love to have that again. I know he has to want it too though. Is it too late? Is there any point now? I guess I want him to be the one to contact me, and I know everyone will say he knows how to if he wants to. Even if things didn’t work out, is there anything to be gained from just talking about what happened since we didn’t at the time? Advice please!!!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 i just don't know what to do. i'm reluctant to do it. because i'm worried as to whether or not i'll get a response. i don't know how he's doing. probably fine, he's one of those happy go lucky guys! with a horrible tendency towards self sabotage unfortunately. i know we had our ups and downs, but we were good together, and like you say, i feel if we could have both stayed calm it would have been easier to talk...................would have taken a LOT of effort to work things out, but i'd still have rathered talk about it.............even if things hadn't worked out, our issues might have been resolved. i just can't help wondering what if. like i said though, i've had the feeling for a while he wanted out. if so, i'd like to have an honest explanation for why. though if he wanted out, why was he crying (apparently in hysterics, which is most unlike him, i've only ever seen him cry once, when i threatened to sleep on the couch after huge argument. we sorted that one out though). and why is he finding the break difficult? given that was a month ago though, he's probably moved on a lot since then................... it's all poo.........i wish i could help you too! this is such a rotten feeling. though i have to admit, i feel way better now than i did when everything was going wrong. i feel i could handle talking to him now without crying! and know that if things don't work out, i'll still get through it, because i got through the last few months
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 he doesn't know that. you don't know that. and it's so hard to believe that we'll ever find anyone else like that now, when the pain is still here. but he can't be responsible for you finding someone who will commit! unfortunately it seems to sound like one of those blow softening phrases.............i don't know. i only know some of your story from the posts. but have you talked at all? does he want to talk?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 your situation sounds like a far more progressed and serious version of mine! your ex and mine sound so very alike..........same age. not sure what they're going to do with their future. only thing is, my ex and i live an hour (only an hour) away from each other. we're both from the same home town, which is where i live. he too wanted to spend lots of time with friends and family. which i respect. but it felt like he never wanted too much time with me? i don't know......................thing is, i worked in his town a lot at weekends. so he'd drop me to work, pick me up. and have dinner waiting for me when i got back. and then we'd watch tv, before going to bed. but we never really talked? in the last few months anyway. and he was planning all his weekends around his friends. we never went anywhere alone together in the end. i realise our conflicting work schedules didn't help, but all our free time together, we never did anything special. unless i suggested it......................does that sound too demanding?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 to his own family events or your family? that's what caused the huge rift with us - like i said, i was stood up. did you read my last post in coping section, post here instead of contacting ex? for further insight on situation did you talk about that at all? i was invited to family events, like nights out for birthdays and that. but some of the more formal stuff, no. even though it seems family welcomed me.................just not him. i wish i knew why
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 it's such a horrible feeling. i was invited to a his nephews christening. by him, and he cleared it with brother and wife. had bit of tiff on phone night before. so he didn't turn up to collect me, and i sat waiting, ready to go, with presents for kids. i didn't think it was up to me to contact him since it was he got angry on phone night before. and he was the one who invited me. not up to me to arrange to get there. i waited assuming he'd pick me up. and then he rang me two days later pretending nothing happened. about three weeks after we broke up, his sister in law phoned me. to say sorry she hadn't personally invited me, that she hoped that had nothing to do with the break up. she doesn't even appear to know what happened. i won't tell her either. it's up to him if he wants to. but she actually felt bad that i wasn't there. i found an invitation on his bedroom floor a while before all this, for his other nephew's birthday (brother to child being christened). i found the invitation after the birthday. he had told me he wouldn't be home that weekend, because he had to go to birthday party. i found the invitation, with his and my name clearly written on it.............he doesn't know i found it. i'm beginning to think he left it there on purpose
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 i know. it's just that i don't know why he couldn't invite me. and then turn around and do what he did about the christening. it's just really immature. we had been planning to travel next year too. i think that might have scared him too though he seemed so eager at the time. i can understand the fear of committment thing. without a doubt. it scared me too. but it's horrible when you feel you're on the same page, to realise that the other half isn't. but again, COMMUNICATION!!!! communication............ which is why i feel the need to do something, even if it amounts to nothing. but like you were saying, they have to to want to come back too. again, wondering if i shot myself in the foot with the email i sent.........
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 i read it. it sounds rotten. it sounds like he has messed with your head a lot which is horribly unfair. thing is i have been NC. and it was difficult at first, but not so hard anymore. we've been NC 5 weeks with the exception of the christmas text. because we were LDR, and he wasn't so good on the phone, actually wasn't so good until close to the time we broke up. he was getting better................it's like i'm a little used to not seeing him, and not talking so much. i was ok with things because i knew that was just him it's the unanswered questions that are killing me. the why's. and i probably won't get an answer unless i do something. because i'm fairly convinced he won't be the one to break the ice why why why does it have to be the dumper who breaks NC? we didn't even mention not contacting each other, though i know it has made things easier
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 hey i know this is a really long post, but i'd really appreciate some more opinions on what i should do!!!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 sorry to do this............................bunpety bump
durotto Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I understand that you love him .. but you have to accept that he has moved on .. or in his mind he is not sure that he loves you ... I know that it feels wrong .. the person you love and loved before .. the person with whom you shared so many things is no longer talking to you or even sharing his intimate thoughts with you .. something which I am sure he always did .. It is hard when the people you love change and seem so different .. and you wake up in the morning and you ask yourself ... I don't know him ... at all .. I do not blame you for emailing him .. the dumpee never understands that the dumper has moved on already and already for the dumper the change is easier to handle .. for the dumpee we are shocked ... No tears or crying or flowers or whatever you say will ever bring them back .. I know for me it is a fact .. I cried tons of times over her and she only said .. control yourself .. I am in love with someone else .. brutal I know ... now to your questions a) No .. your email was correct ... you needed closure .. no one should be expected to hurt or hang on to the other's memories .. I mean you do need to move on .. b) No he already dumped you and it is upto him to contact you .. you contact him and he says .. we can just be friends .. and then his gf is there laughing on the side .. you can handle that ? do you want to handle that ? NO ... give him a wide berth ... and focus on things you like .. make yourself happy .. c) If he loved you no matter what he would have talked with you ... there is never a time when you cannot talk .. you either are too far not bothered about the relationship that you don't want to talk or you just don't care.. If he misses you then he will come back .. don't give him the satisfaction of breaking your heart again .. You deserve better ..
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