mysticemotions Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm actually a long time member on this site, however, my husband knows I frequent this site and would prefer to be in cognito. Whenever my (recent) husband and I get into an argument, he defers to his usual retort that he's 'trying to make everyone happy'-which is great and admirable. However, one frequent statement he makes is, "I do everything to make you happy--I married you to make you happy!" To me, that is as insulting as me stating (hypothetically), "I had sex with you last night to make you happy". Translation: I didn't want to, but knew you wanted it. Your take? Or am I paranoid?
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Isn't he going to recognise himself from your comments? Why not try that sometime? I only had sex with you to make you happy! See how that goes down.... but actually, it's wrong to score points. What he's trying to do is to insult you and make you feel needy and demanding. Sounds like he's succeeding. You need to stand up for yourself, and tell him, 'I don't know why you bothered, it hasn't worked.' You may not mean it, but sometimes, a shock might have the desired effect.
Author mysticemotions Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Isn't he going to recognise himself from your comments? Why not try that sometime? I only had sex with you to make you happy! See how that goes down.... but actually, it's wrong to score points. What he's trying to do is to insult you and make you feel needy and demanding. Sounds like he's succeeding. You need to stand up for yourself, and tell him, 'I don't know why you bothered, it hasn't worked.' You may not mean it, but sometimes, a shock might have the desired effect. Nah, I highly doubt that he would recognize. But, GW, I actually thought about stating the hypothetical. But I felt that doing so would make him insecure about sex with me and I don't wish the same insecurities thrown on him as they have to me...especially if it was voiced in retaliation-it gets us nowhere. If that makes sense. I now feel insecure about why he married me. If he's justified....so be it. I refuse to make him insecure about something of which he doesn't need to be. Conversely....maybe it would make him think about what he is saying. IDK Which, ultimately, makes me feel I really need to be worried about his reasons to get married to me. I thought it was out of love and not to appease me.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 If he's not like this all the time, or he apologises for having said it, ever, then he's just twisting the knife to hurt you, which is manipulative and immature. Nobody held a gun to his head. If he's never apologised, or done anything to seem contrite, then I think you'd be within your rights to turn round and quietly ask. "would you like me to divorce you to make YOU happy?"
Author mysticemotions Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 If he's not like this all the time, or he apologises for having said it, ever, then he's just twisting the knife to hurt you, which is manipulative and immature. Nobody held a gun to his head. If he's never apologised, or done anything to seem contrite, then I think you'd be within your rights to turn round and quietly ask. "would you like me to divorce you to make YOU happy?" Good point. He's never apologized. And I have stated what you said...but it's turned around on me somehow. He expects me to be happy and secure?
westrock Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I think this is a situation of the differences in communiation style between men and women. A guy wants to see his woman happy. I don't think that's a bad thing, but a sign of someone who actually loves you. By seeing you happy, that in itself makes him happy. I think that's what he's trying to tell you. He could probably use better a choice of words to express himself more clearly, and he certainly should apologize to you when he is wrong, but I think he's just trying to express in his own quirky way that he wants to see you happy in life and he's trying his best to make you happy. He probably becomes stressed when you two argue and sees you upset thinking that he is failing to make you happy.
Author mysticemotions Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I think this is a situation of the differences in communiation style between men and women. A guy wants to see his woman happy. I don't think that's a bad thing, but a sign of someone who actually loves you. By seeing you happy, that in itself makes him happy. I think that's what he's trying to tell you. He could probably use better a choice of words to express himself more clearly, and he certainly should apologize to you when he is wrong, but I think he's just trying to express in his own quirky way that he wants to see you happy in life and he's trying his best to make you happy. He probably becomes stressed when you two argue and sees you upset thinking that he is failing to make you happy. Thank you Westrock, that makes me feel better reading that. I do think he wants to make me and everyone happy. But I certainly don't want him to do it at the expense of his own happiness. Which, ultimately, could and seems to be the demise of all of us. I've expressed this---that his words make me feel he didn't want to be married--but his retort is hollow and repetitive with actions not backing up his verbal assertions. Just not sure what to do from here. We live apart at the moment and it seems better for all of us (and kids) when we do. But this cannot continue. Not what (I think) either of us envisioned.
westrock Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 But I certainly don't want him to do it at the expense of his own happiness. As long as you expresss appreciation to him for what he does for you, then you don't have to worry about whether what he is doing is at the expense of his own happiness. He will gladly do whatever it takes to make you happy as long as you let him know that you appreicate him for what he is doing. How you show your appreciation is personal to the two of you. If he does not feel you appreicate his efforts, he will feel being taken advantage of and that's when you need to worry. I've expressed this---that his words make me feel he didn't want to be married--but his retort is hollow and repetitive with actions not backing up his verbal assertions. What kind of actions? I suspect his "retort is hollow" to you because he is probably puzzled as to why his efforts to make you happy instead leaves you with the feeling that he didn't want to marry you. Just not sure what to do from here. You should back up 2 steps... The first step back is to examine what are you saying, expressing, or doing immediately before he feels the need to defend himself with the "I married you /doing this to make you happy" line. For some reason he feels defeated. Are you criticizing him? Expressing your unhappiness? Blaming him? Not appreciating him? Figure out what you are doing or not doing that leads to his reaction. Once you've figured out the above, the second step back is to figure out what was he doing to make you say, express, or do the above. For some reason you don't feel assured of his love for you. For example, has he not helped out financially, with the household tasks or care of the kids, or not been romantic with you to your liking? Figure out what he's doing or not doing that leads to your reaction. We live apart at the moment and it seems better for all of us (and kids) when we do. But this cannot continue. Not what (I think) either of us envisioned. I'm sorry to hear this. Is that because of the arguing? I hope you can work it out.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 We live apart at the moment and it seems better for all of us (and kids) when we do. But this cannot continue. Not what (I think) either of us envisioned. What stage of separation or divorce are you in? It's easier to understand his comments if one of your are on your way out of the relationship... Mr. Lucky
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