Blessings Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hey everyone, first time poster and so glad I have found this website. I'm going through an incredibly tough time right now and despearately need some advice to shake me up and hopefully help me heal and move on. I'm not going to get into the story of my relationship, its pretty similar for most of us...we met, fell in love, went out for 2 years, had good times & bad times, promised to always love each other--then bam...before i know it--its over!! now that's the part i cant seem to get through to me...ITS OVER!!! I stayed in touch with him for 2 months after the break-up as we decided to be friends...then somehow we both went NC on each other...he told me he is not in love with me anymore and after alot of crying and begging, I realized that there was no way I could ever get him back. That's what is hurting me so bad....Although I know it's over, he has moved on and seems to be happy with his life, i STILL love him and I miss him...I'm having an extrememly hard time moving on...I havent been in contact with him for a month now...I have no idea how he is doing, I miss him like crazy and what hurts me is that deep down i KNOW this is over, i know he's not coming back....in other words--my problem is --i miss him too much. :( I don't know how to stop loving him and I'm having ahard time going on living my life without him...how do i cope with missing him so much and knowing that he's out of my life forever??
mm4184 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hey everyone, first time poster and so glad I have found this website. I'm going through an incredibly tough time right now and despearately need some advice to shake me up and hopefully help me heal and move on. I'm not going to get into the story of my relationship, its pretty similar for most of us...we met, fell in love, went out for 2 years, had good times & bad times, promised to always love each other--then bam...before i know it--its over!! now that's the part i cant seem to get through to me...ITS OVER!!! I stayed in touch with him for 2 months after the break-up as we decided to be friends...then somehow we both went NC on each other...he told me he is not in love with me anymore and after alot of crying and begging, I realized that there was no way I could ever get him back. That's what is hurting me so bad....Although I know it's over, he has moved on and seems to be happy with his life, i STILL love him and I miss him...I'm having an extrememly hard time moving on...I havent been in contact with him for a month now...I have no idea how he is doing, I miss him like crazy and what hurts me is that deep down i KNOW this is over, i know he's not coming back....in other words--my problem is --i miss him too much. :( I don't know how to stop loving him and I'm having ahard time going on living my life without him...how do i cope with missing him so much and knowing that he's out of my life forever?? first of all, good job on the no contact for a month. i can only imagine how that would be. and like you, i ALWAYS wonder what he is doing.. who he's with.. if he's seeing someone else.. if he is doing the things we used to do with someone else.. it HURTS LIKE HELL, but i'm relying on what everyone says and that's that it will get better. it will hurt for awhile, but we just have to trust that this happened for a reason but that it WILL get better. it might not seem like it will ever change, that we will always be in the depression and hopelessness.. but we just have to believe that there is a reason we have to go through all of this and that's to make us stronger and that maybe, there is someone else out there that will treat us a lot better (even if you believe he was the best) and will be more compatible with us. i don't know how to cope either, but i try.. i've started working out.. even if he's in the back of my head, i'm working out as something for MYSELF even if i also think that maybe if i change he'll want me back.. there's no harm in that if you're doing it for yourself as well. i cried, i begged, i made a fool of myself hoping he might respond the way i want him to. but that didn't work. it just hurt me even more to see that it wasn't going to work. so detach yourself from that. miss him, cry, vent, do everything you need to do to get it out.. then when you're tired go to sleep.. then do it again until you're sick of it. i'm pretty sick of myself going through this, but i just cling to the hope that one day i'll wake up and it just won't be as bad.. we'll be ok one day.. just trust in that.
Zapbasket Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks like nothing else. The thing is, you can't stop yourself from missing him. You can refuse to acknowledge feelings of loss and longing, but even if you get to the point where you've convinced yourself you no longer miss him, those un-dealt-with feelings will wrangle for a release and come out of you in all kinds of unpleasant disguised forms--such as bad decisions, inability to trust in subsequent relationships, and on and on. I've learned that the only way to go through a breakup is to relinquish yourself to time. When the unbearable feelings arise, remind yourself that in time those WILL subside. And they will. In the meantime all the things you feel as you deal with this breakup are compasses, suggesting to you what is most important to you in life and in a partner. Your task is to follow where they point you. It will look a little like this: You'll have a feeling of missing him and the feeling's "compass-needle," so to speak, will point to your ex. You'll explode into yearning and lamentations of things said and done, or not said and done. You'll want to contact your ex, you'll wish your ex would contact you...but you'll have to maintain the strength not to give in. You'll then ask yourself what it is in your ex that makes you so drawn to him--what, in effect, are you missing? Because sometimes part of what you miss is something you can incorporate into your life on its own, without the ex. For me, for example, it was skiing. My ex introduced me to it, and now I do it all the time, all on my own, and have even moved to a part of the country where some of the best ski mountains in North America are just an hour's drive. It's true that when I ski I don't have my ex with me, but I do have this wonderful gift that our relationship gave to me to enjoy endlessly. That may seem like an unfair trade--you don't get the ex back but you get things he brought to the relationship. But it's not, in fact, because what you gain as well is the firsthand experience of raw reality that it is WE who must make our own happiness. No partner in the world can be responsible for sustaining our happiness.
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 First of all give yourself a great big pat on the back for the month long of NC you have accomplished.. that's great. You know really it's all up to you. When your ready to stop missing him you will.. but you have to be ready. Just like someone who is trying to quit smoking when they are ready it will happen. The more you can accept the the reasons why it's over, the quicker it will be over in your mind. It may not be easy.. but you can do it. Best wishes. Mea:)
Author Blessings Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Would writing letters to him (and never sending them) be a good idea just to get it off my chest? Or writing on a journal? To let out emotions I guess...
Meaplus3 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Would writing letters to him (and never sending them) be a good idea just to get it off my chest? Or writing on a journal? To let out emotions I guess... Very good idea Blessings. Sometimes just putting it there on paper is a great way to get those feelings out. You could also journal your progress on getting over him. First entry...Accomplished month one of NC! This will help you reflect on the positives and you can see the strides you have made. Mea:)
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Very good idea Blessings. Sometimes just putting it there on paper is a great way to get those feelings out. You could also journal your progress on getting over him. First entry...Accomplished month one of NC! This will help you reflect on the positives and you can see the strides you have made. Mea:) this sounds like very good advice
Lee725 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 i miss him too much. :( I don't know how to stop loving him and I'm having ahard time going on living my life without him...how do i cope with missing him so much and knowing that he's out of my life forever?? If you are anything like me, you wont stop missing him, you will keep loving him . . . . untill one morning you wake up and then notice that you did not think about him till 10am, then the next day 12pm, then the next day 3pm, before you know it a whole day will pass, then weeks, then months. I know, hard to imagine right now, with the knot in your stomach, the sore eyes, the spinning head, it will all pass. In the mean time do what ever it is that may distract you slightly, one thing i found was sharing experiences here on LS another was something already suggested, writing it down and with me it got angry but with the angry pen went my heartache. Good luck & Hugs.
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I always try and stay away from ever wondering what they are doing or who they are with. When my mind drifts to those thoughts, I guide my focus in a different direction. The heartache is already sufficient enough without injecting thoughts of them being with other people, or simply living life happily without us. That is why going no contact is helpful. As another poster pointed out- before long you notice you've spent a couple hours, then a few hours, then perhaps an evening without them intruding on your thoughts. It's all small steps that lead to the end of the tunnel. You're doing well resisting the urge to contact him. It's not an easy thing to do. I met up with my ex after 3 weeks of being away from one another and it was a set back for me. I have to start the process of NC all over again now. Do write those letters. I do it all the time. I never send them, but find great therapeutic value in simply putting my feelings to paper. I am sorry you are hurting, hugs.
RogueAC Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You'll want to contact your ex, you'll wish your ex would contact you...but you'll have to maintain the strength not to give in. You'll then ask yourself what it is in your ex that makes you so drawn to him--what, in effect, are you missing? Because sometimes part of what you miss is something you can incorporate into your life on its own, without the ex. That may seem like an unfair trade--you don't get the ex back but you get things he brought to the relationship. But it's not, in fact, because what you gain as well is the firsthand experience of raw reality that it is WE who must make our own happiness. No partner in the world can be responsible for sustaining our happiness. GreenCove, this is a really great idea for long term healing. Thank you. Blessings, I find that positive self talk can make a difference. For example, if I fixate on "how much I miss my ex" those feelings seem to take over and I remain stuck. I try to replace the sentiments "I miss the ex so much" with "I miss the ex less today." I do similar reframes for the anger, hurt, loss, betrayal, etc. It helps, even if just a small amount.
Author Blessings Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 thank you so much everyone! It's all great advice. I'm feeling much better today. Step by step I guess! thanks again!
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