bec1984 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 OK this will be really long but I feel I have to give you the full story so you can try and help. Me and my boyfriend are both 24. We have been going out for almost 8 months. We told each other we loved each other after about 3 months. A month or so later we were getting intimate, not sex, and later on he made a comment that he thought that me being totally shaved was incredibly sexy. He then went on to say that no-one had ever commented on his grooming. From then on I've had major problems. This just triggered something off in me which I haven't been able to get past because it reminded me that he'd been so close and intimate with people in the past. I am a virgin. I've only ever really been out with 1 person before and that only lasted a month or so because it was clear he was only after one thing. We didn't do anything really. I have been brought up strictly and my Dad has been very controlling over me getting intersted in boys but also I have grown up as a christian going to church and have always been brought up being told that sex should be saved for that one special person that I would like to marry. I'm not necessarily saying I would wait until marriage to do it but it would have to feel right and know that he is the one. My boyfriend has slept with 2 people before. He had relationships lasting about 2 years each. The first girl who I met cheated on him and the second girl who I've only ever seen pictures of, was just using him because she didn't want to be on her own and then went off with other people. They didn't deserve someone as great as him. They used him and hurt him. It really bothers me that he's slept with them. Different things have triggered me off over the months. His last ex was putting messages on Facebook and posting photos of them and I didn't like it. He removed her off Facebook and deleted the number in his phone he'd still got because he said he didn't care about her and only loved me. It was all in the past. We actually met at college when we were 17 and he really liked me then but I only ever saw him as a friend. I regret now that we didn't go out because then I wouldn't have his past to deal with but it obviously wasn't the right time and it's not saying it would have lasted then even if I did like him. Timing could be fate. We kept in touch throughout college and when he moved away to university and I knew he'd slept with people but it didn't bother me then and I didn't think about it when I first entered this relationship. I just realised that I did like him and that he was decent and wanted to give things a go and see what happened and so did he. I don't know how to stop thinking about the fact that he's had sex before. I visualise the actual act and how they enjoyed it and it really upsets me and I've felt sick about it. I've hardly eaten for the last couple of months because I can't face it. Half of me worries that our first time won't be as special for him as it is for me because he's done it all before. The other day when it was mentioned he said you're thinking about my ex's as though they're a threat. They were not perfect people and far from it. He's said they didn't deserve someone as nice as him and he regrets it. He said just because it won't be his first time doesn't mean it won't be his most special time when he's with me because he's never felt like this about anyone. He's never loved anyone as much as me. He's reassured me it will be more special than ever. He said he wasn't brought up with guidance on sex. He just thought sex was something you did as an adult when you're in a relationship and he never viewed it as special so he's never had that special first time. He said he only realises now, that he's made mistakes and that by seeing what it means to me, he realises how special it should be and that with me, he'll feel what he's been missing and the bond we have will make it mean more because he feels so loved back too. He said if he knew then how different things could be, he'd have waited. He says he feels petrified about our first time because he doesn't want to let me down and he knows what this act will mean to me and symbolise my commitment to him. I have no expectations. It's the emotional side that means more to me. He has matured because of his experiences and that being cheated on made him more considerate, being used made him realise how important it is to make me feel special etc. I don't want to judge him for his past because he is a decent person. He always treats me so well. He's a real gentleman and is really thoughtful and gentle and he has loads of really amazing qualities. The only major thing I dislike is his past. But I also realise he deserves happiness because he's been treated badly. He'd do anything for me and he's been really supportive about this and said we'll work through it together and with communication and finding the root problem, we can get over this in time and we'll be stronger for it. I realise the likelihood of finding a virgin at my age is slim but even if I did, they couldn't treat me any better than my boyfriend does. If he was a virgin, I would have no troubles. He's said sex isn't important to him. It's not the be all and end all and a relationship isn't built on that. He said he'd wait until marriage if I wanted so he's not just with me for that. He's said a loving relationship is what provides strong foundations. Both my Mom and aunty were virgins but my Dad and uncle weren't and they've been married 27 years and 15 years. They didn't let it bother them and just thought oh I'm special to him now so the past doesn't matter but I can't seem to do that. I question whether I love him enough or I would be able to get over this easier but then at the same time, I think if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have this problem because I just wouldn't care. It didn't bother me to begin with but as I fell in love with him and was comtemplating that he would be the one person I slept with, it became a big issue that he'd had sex before. I'm inexperienced in relationships and I don't know how things are supposed to feel. I've read stuff about retroactive jealousy and low self esteem but I don't really know what I need to do to get over this. I know if I didn't love him I wouldn't have stuck at it this long feeling upset and sick as long as I have. I don't want to give on him or lose him because he means so much to me and this issue would follow me anyway. Please if anyone has felt as I have and got over this, please tell me how. It's no good saying the past is the past, get over it because that doesn't help. I need proper guidance and support. Any advice.
d0ll Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I feel if you're not ready & it really bothers you that much then don't do it .. but you also have to realize that any other guy you date may have had more then 2 partners .. 90% of males today are not virgins.
itgirlragdoll Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I feel if you're not ready & it really bothers you that much then don't do it .. but you also have to realize that any other guy you date may have had more then 2 partners .. 90% of males today are not virgins. Agreed. For a guy at age 24, 2 is a relatively low number. And he was in long term relationships with both of them...so he obviously values sex as a very emotional thing (maybe not as much as you, but still). If you're uncomfortable with it then you shouldn't be with him, not saying you should just suck it up and deal with it. You should be happy with whoever you are with. However, do understand that most men you encounter in your age group will have a more varied past.
bean1 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Can I offer you an opposite viewpoint? When I was 19, I began dating a guy who was 18. I was not a virgin (had sex one time prior) but he was a virgin, because he did not believe in sex before marriage. He always had an issue with me not being a virgin because it meant we had vastly different values (I am not religious, he is). We dated for 3 years, and in MY opinion, I missed out on a lot of sexual experience during my "prime" years, waiting for him. He missed out on meeting girls who shared his religious values. We went our separate ways. According to mutual friends, he is now engaged to a virgin and she is the same religion as him. I am very happy for him. You cannot sustain a positive relationship when you conflict on such strong values.
Author bec1984 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 But I don't want to split up with him. I want to be able to get over this somehow. Yes he hasn't saved himself like I have but I also know he's decent. It's not like he's just slept around. He had relationships that didn't work out but it wasn't his fault so I don't want to leave him and hurt him and punish him. I love him. But I also know I have to find some way of dealing with this because it's eating away at me. I want to be strong and tackle this because you have to work at a relationship and you'll face other tough things and you can't just give up.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 This is my question for 2009: What's your payoff? What do you get out of beating yourself up like this? Think. Answer. No, I really mean it. Think.
bean1 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Although I am not religious, you are, so perhaps this will help you: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference You cannot change his past. You can change how you treat him in the present. Recognize the difference. Do this if you want to keep your relationship.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What do you mean? I mean in every situation which actually beats us up and makes us feel worse, but we continue to invest in - there's some form of attraction that keeps us doing it, because somehow it satisifes something within us. Every single damned time. I guarantee it. So something - evnt though you may fight it, even though you may not agree with it - something within you is growing or gaining nourishment from this situation. What is it?
tanbark813 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Agreed. For a guy at age 24, 2 is a relatively low number. It's not even relatively low, it's absolutely low. It's also a little ridiculous to get upset over. bec1984: If you break up with him now and move on to someone else, would you think it fair for that new person to look down on you for having slept with one person before them? How would you like them to regard that fact?
Author bec1984 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I mean in every situation which actually beats us up and makes us feel worse, but we continue to invest in - there's some form of attraction that keeps us doing it, because somehow it satisifes something within us. Every single damned time. I guarantee it. So something - evnt though you may fight it, even though you may not agree with it - something within you is growing or gaining nourishment from this situation. What is it? I don't even know how I can answer that question because I don't know. I agree with the religious quote used in one message. It's easier said than done but I do want to get over this and treat him the way he deserves. I don't want to feel like I'm pulling away from him because of his past.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Does he know about this? How you feel? is it something you might bring to his attention at some point?
Author bec1984 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Yes he does know how I feel and he's really trying to support me and help me through this because he doesn't want to ever lose me. He holds me when I cry and talks to me because he thinks communication and working together is key. He knows I don't blame him for me feeling like this but indirectly he feels some guilt because it's his past that my issues are based on.
norajane Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I am a virgin. I have been brought up strictly and my Dad has been very controlling over me getting intersted in boys but also I have grown up as a christian going to church and have always been brought up being told that sex should be saved for that one special person that I would like to marry. I'm not necessarily saying I would wait until marriage to do it but it would have to feel right and know that he is the one. My boyfriend has slept with 2 people before. He had relationships lasting about 2 years each. The first girl who I met cheated on him and the second girl who I've only ever seen pictures of, was just using him because she didn't want to be on her own and then went off with other people. Has it occurred to you that your bf believed each of these girls was special, and it's not his fault that they turned out not to be? Put a different way, would it be your fault if you slept with a bf thinking he was the one and believing he loved you, and then he cheated on you 2 years later? Then you dump him and after healing your broken heart, you get into another relationship with someone who feels just right for you, and he ends up, two years later, running off with someone else? Is it fair for your next bf to blame you for having sex with two guys you loved and thought were "the one"? Your bf wasn't out whoring around. He had sex with two women in two long term relationships. Women he trusted. Women he believed in. And they turned out not to be trustworthy. If you have to judge him, judge him for not being able to predict the future or for not being perfect at guessing at his partners' character, but not for having sex with women he loved. If you can't handle that he loved two other women prior to you, that's a different issue and you'll have to leave him because he can't do anything to change that, and it's not your place to judge him and make him feel BAD about it. But you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect there to be a whole bunch of guys out there that YOU can love who will never have loved anyone else. Not at your age. They didn't deserve someone as great as him. They used him and hurt him.Do you deserve someone as great as him? Does he deserve to be hurt by you? Because that's what you're doing by judging him and forcing him to try to explain why he had sex with two gf's he loved and try to justify why he did it, by compelling him to tell you he regrets his past and he made mistakes, by compelling him to apologize for what he did in his relationships long before you two dated, making see you cry and comfort you, and by forcing him to watch you starve yourself and make yourself sick from anxiety. You are making him feel terrible and you are hurting him. He doesn't deserve that from YOU. I don't know how to stop thinking about the fact that he's had sex before. I visualise the actual act and how they enjoyed it and it really upsets me and I've felt sick about it. Instead of imagining how it was between them, have you tried replacing those thoughts by imagining how it could be between you? Since you've never had sex before, it must be very hard for you to understand how different the experience is with each person. Just because tab a goes into slot b, doesn't mean that it's exactly the same with each person, or even the same each time with the same person!!! It's HUGELY different with a new partner. The kind of sex you will have with him will be nothing like the sex he had with the other women. NOTHING. Try to replace your destructive visions with visions of the two of you together. Whenever those visions come into your head, replace them with thoughts of how it feels to kiss him, to touch him, to feel him touching you. Maybe when you have sex, it will be easier to replace those thoughts with more positive ones. He says he feels petrified about our first time because he doesn't want to let me down and he knows what this act will mean to me and symbolise my commitment to him. I have no expectations. It's the emotional side that means more to me. Then why is the physical sex he had the focus of your problem? Are you being honest with yourself? The emotional side with you is very different that what he felt with his ex-gf's. Do you believe that? If so, then why can't you believe the sex is also different. If you don't believe that, then why isn't it tearing you up inside to know that he was emotional about two past gf's and you're not the first he's loved? he is a decent person. He always treats me so well. He's a real gentleman and is really thoughtful and gentle and he has loads of really amazing qualities. He'd do anything for me I realise the likelihood of finding a virgin at my age is slim but even if I did, they couldn't treat me any better than my boyfriend does.THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON. You have a wonderful guy who treats you well. Your thoughts should be of the present. Also, consider that if he hadn't had his past experiences, he wouldn't be the man he is today. Our experiences are what shape us and form our character over time. Without his past, he'd be a different guy, maybe a guy you wouldn't like so much. Please if anyone has felt as I have and got over this, please tell me how. It's no good saying the past is the past, get over it because that doesn't help. I need proper guidance and support. Any advice.I don't have any answers. I think the only thing that might work is time, gaining maturity and experience of your own, and possibly therapy to help you through this. Since you're not eating and are making yourself sick, I'd say therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. Or, you can leave him, with the understanding this will likely follow you into your next relationship unless you happen to fall in love a virgin. Whatever you do, stop making him feel so guilty and bad. He does not owe you a past you approve of. All he owes you is what he is apparently already doing beautifully - treating you well, being a decent guy and great bf, and loving you.
Author bec1984 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Do you mean I feel like this because it gets me attention because I don't want to feel like this or that I'm persevering because I know how special he is and he'll stick by me.
bean1 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Yes he does know how I feel and he's really trying to support me and help me through this because he doesn't want to ever lose me. He holds me when I cry and talks to me because he thinks communication and working together is key. He knows I don't blame him for me feeling like this but indirectly he feels some guilt because it's his past that my issues are based on. Guilt? No. It's probably resentment because your values conflict with his and you look at him as "the spoiled one". He thinks, "why is she upset over something I can't change?". You said yourself that he thinks that sex is just part of an adult relationship. You need to see this side of it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Do you mean I feel like this because it gets me attention Yes. And the fact he feels guilty validates your being resentful. because then, you must have a point, right? It makes you feel as if you have some 'power' within the relationship, because you've held onto your virtue.
Author bec1984 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Put a different way, would it be your fault if you slept with a bf thinking he was the one and believing he loved you, and then he cheated on you 2 years later? Then you dump him and after healing your broken heart, you get into another relationship with someone who feels just right for you, and he ends up, two years later, running off with someone else? Is it fair for your next bf to blame you for having sex with two guys you loved and thought were "the one"? Do you deserve someone as great as him? Does he deserve to be hurt by you? Because that's what you're doing by judging him and forcing him to try to explain why he had sex with two gf's he loved and try to justify why he did it, by compelling him to tell you he regrets his past and he made mistakes, by compelling him to apologize for what he did in his relationships long before you two dated, making see you cry and comfort you, and by forcing him to watch you starve yourself and make yourself sick from anxiety. You are making him feel terrible and you are hurting him. He doesn't deserve that from YOU. Since you've never had sex before, it must be very hard for you to understand how different the experience is with each person. Maybe when you have sex, it will be easier to replace those thoughts with more positive ones. quote] I agree with a lot of what you've said. You're right if I had been a bad judge of character I wouldn't want it used against me. And yes I do think I deserve him because I am a good person but I know my problem and letting him see how it's affecting me is unfair on him. And some people have said to me sleep with him and then you'll have your own experience with him but I want it to feel right and while I'm still like this I don't want to do it in the hope my feelings go away. I want it to feel special and right. I do want to get over this and your message was very powerful. I actually got full up reading it because you're absolutely right about me hurting him by letting him see my like this. I don't want to carry on like this believe me.
Mad Hatter Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 This is a shot in the dark, but I get the feeling this issue has very little to do with your boyfriend, and more to do with how you were raised. You stated that your father was very controlling, and that you were also raised in a very christian atmosphere. I get the feeling that not only was it reinforced in you that sex should be saved for marriage, but that it is also a sin if it is not. Do you have the belief that sex is "dirty" if it is not with that special "one" or if it is not in the context of marriage? If so, this may be why the comment about how being shaved was sexy set you off. It seems you were taught to believe that sex was somehow "bad." Do you maybe have resentment against your father for being so strict? Is there a part of you that wishes you could let loose and enjoy life in a way that others often do? Maybe you are really angry over the fact that your boyfriend took the chance to do this, while you feel restrained. Also, if you do have unresolved resentment towards your father and his controlling attitude toward you, are you simply reenacting that drama with your boyfriend by acting controlling and jealous of his past? Life will throw similar lessons at us over and over again until they are learned and resolved. Maybe you need to resolve issues with your father, and not your boyfriend? Like I said, it's a shot in the dark.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I don't see the guy having a past to worry about. Grant it, you were brought up different, but you need to realize that have only slept with 2 girls in his life is actually quite impressive. Do not sleep with him until you have gotten pass this, because you may end up feeling resentment. If you can't get pass his sexual past, you need to move on and find someone who is in the same boat as you. He's obviously has good intent with you, but it's up to you to see that for yourself.
JTR Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I am in a similar situation and until I ran across this website I thought that I was the only one who was hurt about something like this. I haven't dealt with my own situation fully, but am in the process of doing so right now. I did like Geishawhelk's and Mad Hatter's replies but in my case I don't feel like I am any "better" than my boyfriend for waiting to have sex, I just feel sick thinking about what he did. One thing that I did think about today after I'd read your post & similar posts from other people is that what you (and I) might really need to do is forgive your boyfriend. Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. (sounds like what I need to do...) Not long ago I replied to a post about forgiveness on another website and here is some of what I said there: Look at the bigger picture. Take a step back and think about what good has come out of this situation. Some positive way you have changed, some way this event made you a stronger person, some event that happened afterward that would not have happened unless this had. A while ago when I first started trying to forgive & let go I tried to find help. I tried to read books, read articles, used google many times. Everyone always talked about “letting go” “letting go is the key” “you need to let go” but what frustrated me SO much is that they never told you HOW to let go. I couldn’t find one good website that really explained it. It’s almost like people knew WHAT they had to do, but no one had ever actually done it. And after I found out what letting go entailed, I realized why people wouldn’t want to. Because if it’s something that’s really affected your life, it’s not easy, not easy at all. But it’s worth it, because when you let go, you are pretty much saying “This happened, I don’t know why it happened to ME, I may never know, but I accept it, I am willing to learn from it, I am not willing to let it affect my life in such a negative way, and when I start to feel negatively about this, I am going to stop and remember how I let it go, and think about something else. This event is just one thing out of millions that have happened to me, it’s important to me, and even though no one else seems to understand, I will not let that hold me back from letting go and moving on.” You can only forgive when you are really ready to and you really want to. That might seem like a strange comment, but it’s true. If you don’t really want to let go of the pain/hurt/resentment/bitterness/anger and all the other bad feelings, you won’t really be able to forgive. If you want to forgive, but you aren’t ready to stop resenting the person for what they did, or God for letting it happen to you, you won’t be able to really forgive. Let’s say you are wanting to forgive someone that you are incredibly angry with, you can’t forgive them AND still be angry with them, it’s impossible. When you are really ready to let go of all the anger you have, that’s when you will be able to forgive. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you are forgetting what happened or agreeing with what happened. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive someone without excusing the act. Hope that helps a little.
tanbark813 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 "Forgiving" a person for having a romantic past that has nothing to do with you is unbelievably arrogant and self-righteous.
dreamergrl Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 "Forgiving" a person for having a romantic past that has nothing to do with you is unbelievably arrogant and self-righteous. 100% AGREED You forgive people when they do something wrong, not for having a past.
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