rendee Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 so i have been dating my now husband since i was 21 and we got married about a year ago. i had never cheated on him until a couple of months before we got married. he never knew and we got married and i had all intentions of stopping the affair but the other man wouldn't leave me alond and i would fall for it everytime. now my husband knows that i did sleep with the other guy before we got married and suspects it happened more than that but i wont admit it. we havent gone to counseling together yet and we are sleeping in seperate rooms--now going on about a month. what do we do? i feel like i cant tell him everything because it will devestate him and i do still love him. i know how stupid i am but i cant stop and figure this out.
Reggie Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I'd tell him all and let him decide , over time, if this is the type of relationship he wants to continue. Do this asap, so any resentment he may feel over the theft of his time while living in a fraudulent relationship is minimized. This is the perfect opportunity for him to get out, unencumbered by kids in common and well before there is exposure for spousal maintenance or the accumulation of mutual debt. If you care for this guy at all( questionable in light of your actions) , give him the info he needs to make a decision asap. If the marriage and recent and he was not aware of your cheating pre-A , he may be eligible for an annulment. Give him the opportunity to pursue this. Good luck.
anne1707 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 The longer you sleep apart and do not talk, the greater the divide becomes and your marriage will fall apart. You have to tell him the truth. It will be hell for you both, especially as you betrayed your husband's trust so early in your marriage but it is only fair to your husband so he can consider all options. He will be hurt, angry, depressed - all kinds of things - but you have to deal with that. You will have to answer his questions and deal with his lack of trust. You both need to decide whether you want to make the marriage work. If that is the case then start MC as soon as possible. Also to say it happened because the OM would not leave you alone is weak. You chose to do this. You could have said no. Accept responsibility for your actions.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 we havent gone to counseling together yet and we are sleeping in seperate rooms--now going on about a month. what do we do? i feel like i cant tell him everything because it will devestate him and i do still love him. Is that really why you won't tell him? I think your more likely afraid that if you tell him the whole truth he wont love you anymore. The question you need to ask yourself is this... do you want him to love a lie, or to love the you flaws and all? Yes, telling the truth will cause him pain... but it will allow him to heal. Is the other guy still in the picture?
Author rendee Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 i know i need to tell him i just dont know how. and yes the other guy is still in the picture.
JustBreathe Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 He knows you're lying and it's horrible knowing the truth in your gut but being lied to about it right to your face. Talk abut destroying any fragile remnants of trust! Stop making a bad thing worse and tell him the whole truth. Whatever way it goes, you will not die from it. You have to own this completely. I wanted to add that when my H finally fessed up to everything and quit lying, while it hurt terribly, it also helped alot because I knew then that I wasn't imagining things, that I wasn't crazy. It helped restore faith in myself. So tell him for HIS sake and quit trying to save your own a$$.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 i know i need to tell him i just dont know how. and yes the other guy is still in the picture. I got that feeling. You realize that your going to have to pick one... soon. Is the other guy even interested in a long term relationship? Once you choose to tell... the how and when parts become easy.
Author rendee Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 yes other guy is very interested and has stuck around through a lot, but he is totally to blame to for sticking around too.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 i feel like i cant tell him everything because it will devestate him and i do still love him. This much I know. It will devastate him a HELL of a lot more if you're not honest with him, several years go by, and he later finds out that your cheating was far worse than you admitted to. He will feel as though his marriage to you was a complete fraud, that it was stillborn, that it never even had a chance. I know. I've been there. That's how I felt when I learned the truth about my XW. I basically hated her for the next two and a half years, but unfortunately I still had to see her because of the kids. Made her feel like sh*t whenever we had to interact; she wanted more than anything to be forgiven but I couldn't even conceive of doing that. It's now five years later and things between us are good. I don't know if I've "forgiven" her but the past doesn't really bug me anymore and I can be friendly with her. I do, however, sometimes wonder what direction my life would have taken if she'd just left me the hell alone all those years ago, like she should have done.
anne1707 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Once again not accepting responsibility. The OM is still there because you are interested. Decide who you want. Tell your husband. Tell the OM. I am not preaching. I have been in your position and it is the only way to deal with the mess.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 yes other guy is very interested and has stuck around through a lot, but he is totally to blame to for sticking around too. Which one do you want? Sitting in limbo sucks for everybody. Choose very soon! Then you can start moving forward. Also, he only sticks around because you allow it. How would you rate your self esteem?
lkjh Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 yes other guy is very interested and has stuck around through a lot, but he is totally to blame to for sticking around too. No you are to blame!!! You are the married one who is cheating. Just tell your H and let him find someone worth spending his life with. Is this your first time cheating? Your knows you cheated but he NEEDS you to tell him the truth. You are destroying him with your lies.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I'll weigh in here and say that you should just tell him, too. You don't have to go into great detail about your feelings or what you've done with the OM, but tell him. I've been in his shoes. And let me tell you what it FEELS like when you lie and minimize. "I have zero respect for you or our relationship. Not only have I acted selfishly, but I'm continue to play you for a fool because it's just too hard for me to have this conversation; and only my feelings matter. Our relationship no longer means anything to me, so shut up and get over it because you just simply DO NOT MATTER to me..." Seriously - the LYING is hardest, hardest part for the betrayed spouse to deal with. Come clean. Show him that you DO respect him and your relationship to treat him like a human being who deserves to know the truth.
atwitsend Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 So you have basically been cheating your whole marriage. Your husband knows. Tell him or not. You cannot carry on this lie and have any chance of your marriage working. I would write this out. Sit him down. No interruptions (no phones) Ask him to be patient and listen to whole before you speak. Before you start tell him that you love him very much. Explain to him that you cannot go on living a lie with him. Yes you have been having an affair. I know what a betrayal this has been to our love and my vows to you. The affair is over and I am not contacting him in anyway. I accept full responsibility for this. You have no fault in this at all. I was weak and once into the habit, I could not get out. I am glad you found out and want to be completely transparent with you in this matter. I will answer any and all questions you have, and I will listen to anything you have to say. I will not leave and I pray that you won't either. I do love you and want you to know that I am dreadfully sorry. And that I seek your forgiveness. I will do anything I can to restore your love and faith in me and our marriage. I understand that you need time to think and process what has happened. Now I will answer anything you want.
JustBreathe Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 To me it felt like "I am guilty of all you think I did but I'm pretty sure you'll just swallow whatever garbage I feed you. You always have. You aren't that smart. So shut up and leave me alone about it."
atwitsend Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Wow, I am sorry I wrote those suggestions without reading all your posts. Excuse me, I thought you were sorry that this happened. I guess you keep the other guy on the leash in case your husband dumps you. Hey just between you and forum. You've slept with the other guy since your husband has found out haven't you?
thatguyswife Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Be honest with him....I'm sure you would want the same from him if the tables were turned.
seibert253 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 It truly is a shame what people do to justify their actions. It's the others guys fault you slept with him because he wouldn't leave you alone, PLEASE! No one else here wants to be blunt, so I will. You don't love your husband, if you truly did the choice would be easy. Tell him all and work on repairing the damage YOU caused. But you continue to string your husband and the other guy along. For your soon to be ex-husband's sake do the right thing, pack your stuff and move out. He'll be better off and in time you will be too.
Bryanp Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 This is so sad. You are way too immature to be married. You have been married such a short time and you have been screwing another man before the marriage and during the marriage putting your husband at risk for STD's. You get caught and continue to lie to him and still have the OM hanging on. How would you feel if your husband had totally disrespected and humiliated you the way you have and continue to disrespect him. Do you even love your husband at all? Why are you so cruel? Your husband deserves the truth. All you have been doing before the marriage and after has been betraying him and screwing your lover. Do you know what the words honesty and respect mean because you have none whatsoever for your husband. You continue to lie and cheat on him. Please let him go so he can find somebody else who does not have such a broken moral compass like you. How can you treat a man that married you this way?
atwitsend Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I agree with bryan. You are soooooooo broken.
Reggie Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 The immaturity or lack of ability to reason is what struck me, as well. I don't think you are ready for marriage.
BackonTrack2 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You are still sleeping with the OM even though your husband found out... You can't have your cake and eat it to sweety... Its over.... You are to BLAME. YOU LET THIS GUY inside of YOU. YOU, YOU, YOU I won't judge you... But I know you are severly messed up in your brain... I know this.... You clearly don't want your husband... CLEARLY.... There is something your husband provides, that you NEED him for... Maybe money.. Maybe shelter... Something.... Thats why you don't just up and leave him.... THIS OM, you show no remorse in your actions, you are in love with him. I don't think you love your husband. You have to leave your Husband, for his SAKE, he HATES you right now, HE HATES YOU!!!. He HATES YOU. He loves you but you betrayed him, you are still betraying him, you think he is a fool, you think he won't know that your sleeping with this OM. I feel sorry for your husband, just leave him, you have to stand on your own NOW. You messed up that life you had with your husband. Just go away women, go away. Question, why haven't your husband kicked you out???? You do realize that, you can't keep hiding this... You do realize that sooner or later, the entire truth is going to come to light.... You should do what my EX did, blame me for her affair then tell me to **** off, that will really damage your husbands brain.... But, I think your husband is smarter than that, chances are, he already built up a wall around you, its only a matter of time, before the divorce comes and you know what... YOUR STILL SLEEPING with the OM.... WHY?? because you CAN, you have no control, you are probably addicted to him, you probably have sex with him MORE than your husband.... Oh man... You are not ready for marriage, you have to do more whoring.... Good Luck
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You are to BLAME. YOU LET THIS GUY inside of YOU. YOU, YOU, YOU I won't judge you... But I know you are severly messed up in your brain... Wow, piling on much? Isn't there a little bit of contradiction in "I won't judge you...but" ? The OP knows she's doing the wrong thing, has made mistakes and isn't being fair to her husband. That's why she's here. Not sure how it helps her - or you - to chase her away... Mr. Lucky
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 so i have been dating my now husband since i was 21 and we got married about a year ago. i had never cheated on him until a couple of months before we got married. he never knew and we got married and i had all intentions of stopping the affair but the other man wouldn't leave me alond and i would fall for it everytime. Exactly why a cheater doesn't deserve a 2nd chance in my opinion. And if you cheated before marriage, then why did you marry him in the first place? now my husband knows that i did sleep with the other guy before we got married and suspects it happened more than that but i wont admit it. we havent gone to counseling together yet and we are sleeping in seperate rooms--now going on about a month. what do we do? No kids? Easy, get an annulment. i feel like i cant tell him everything because it will devestate him and i do still love him. yes, it will devestate him, but it will devestate him more if he wastes any more years of his life with who he thought he was married to. If you think he'd be devestated now, just wait until a few more years go by. As far as loving him. Sorry, no....you don't. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated on him. So do him a favor, come clean and get the annulment in the works. And if he doesn't want an annulment and wants to work this out, then he will just have to take his lumps as they come WHEN you cheat on him again.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 yes other guy is very interested and has stuck around through a lot Gee, sounds like a great guy. *rolls eyes* but he is totally to blame to for sticking around too. oh bull####. He is sticking around because you allow him to, because you want him too. YOU are to blame here.
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