mtvruinedyou Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 So, my girlfriend and I were talking about our future last evening. Im 21, she's 20. She told me that she loves me more than anything in the world, and I can tell by her actions that she's being honest - but, here's what she said that really bothers the hell out of me. She said that in the future, sometime down the road, she might want a break from me to go to clubs and flirt with other guys to see if she is sure about spending the rest of her life with me. This hurt like hell when she said this to me. Obviously, she's already thinking about it. When she saw that it really hurt me, she said "Well, it's not a really big chance that it would happen" What should I do?
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 This is what is known as a "red Flag". She's basically telling you that she's not ready to commit to a one-time-only relationship. Frankly? I don't blame her. My personal opinion is that people really shouldn't consider being with just one person until they've had a bit of experience and 'been round the block' a few times. I think you are (both) way too young and you should agree that Life is for living, not being committed so early. I can see your side, and how serious you must be about it. But she obviously isn't. Be warned.
itgirlragdoll Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost 3 years and engaged to him for 1 (we were only 20 & 21, like you guys). From less than a year in I started to feel that way, like I was bummed I didn't get to have more experiences before settling down and feeling stuck. And let me tell you, it did NOT go away; it gets worse and worse. I finally broke up with him and told him the truth - that I was so young and wanted to meet more people and have more experiences, before being in something so binding and permanent. It was a rough break up and would have been 100x easier had I just expressed what I was feeling from the start. Your girlfriend is expressing this to you now. Take it as a very serious warning. Those feelings do NOT just go away...they only get worse.
Author mtvruinedyou Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Yeah, I know it. She has been my best friend for close to six years and she started dating me because she had dated a ton of other guys and fell in love with me. What advice can you give me? We're moving in together in the spring. She told me that she doesn't think that will happen, she was just being honest and realistic and told me it was a worse case scenario.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Well, I hate to say it, but she's being realistic. look at the statistics. And The fact she's even mentioned it.... I mean, why even mention it? It's a worst-case scenario in ANY relationship, so why even go there? Too young. Way too young to be 'moving in together'. Way too young. It'll all end in tears. The seeds of doubt have been well and truly planted in your brain. And they'll remain.
Author mtvruinedyou Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Yeah, well, this sucks. I think I brought something up that made her say it, something along the same lines. I don't know how to take it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 If this doesn't tell you that you are both way too young to be moving in together and committing to just one another - I don't know what would.
Confusedalways Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I am your age, and if my boyfriend told me that I would be just as hurt as you are and would not be taking this well. That is a bad, bad, bad sign. It reminds me of that boy meets world episode where this happens to cory and topanga . But seriously, I guess all you can do right now is have a talk with her. But you know, she WAS serious about it. I've said things like that and covered my ass by saying 'worse case scenario' too... soo. Be warned.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Yeah, I know it. She has been my best friend for close to six years and she started dating me because she had dated a ton of other guys and fell in love with me. What advice can you give me? We're moving in together in the spring. She told me that she doesn't think that will happen, she was just being honest and realistic and told me it was a worse case scenario. Talk to her about it. She should be able to give you a straight answer.
Author mtvruinedyou Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Well I talked to her about it, and she said that she never had doubts until we started having problems. I mean I have my doubts too when things arent going stellar. So I agreed to get my self sorted out and she said that she loves me to death and just wants me to be myself again. We agreed to take things slower and be young, and just worry about having fun for now instead of all that "grown up stuff". :-)
Frankasy Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I feel for you man. I'm pretty much like you, I always go for older girls too and believe me I got really hurt when I lost the girl of my dreams a few days ago and still am having a hard time getting over her. She doesn't love you, I mean she doesn't really mean it if she goes and make these types of comments. Now you love her so I'm not gonna advise you to break up with her but start preparing if what she said does happen. If it comes unexpected like the moment she said it you will be left heartbroken and take a lot of time to be back to your old self. Start by trying to make her wanna regret her words, by showing her that she can't leave you cause you're a great guy, if you feel that nothing is happening, starting thinking about the worst possible option, her leaving you and how you'll react.
LavendarGirl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Please don't move in together. That's a serious commitment that you two aren't ready for yet. Imagine if you were living together, and then she decided that she also wanted the freedom to date other men as well. Very bad situation! Take her earlier comments to heart. She's not ready to "settle down" and she feels she needs to experience the dating scene more before she can commit to you. Give her the space to do so. That might mean breaking up, or might mean that you cool things for a few months and spend less time together without commitment of any type. If you cannot stomach that last recommendation, it's going to be the best thing for YOU to break up all together and then get on with life.
dreamergrl Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Well I talked to her about it, and she said that she never had doubts until we started having problems. I mean I have my doubts too when things arent going stellar. So I agreed to get my self sorted out and she said that she loves me to death and just wants me to be myself again. We agreed to take things slower and be young, and just worry about having fun for now instead of all that "grown up stuff". :-) What problems are you having that triggered this?
ella23 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I do know people who got together at your age and they are still together after over a decade, but they are very few in number. A majority of people don't like committing that young though that's not to say it won't work. What problems are you guys having?
openbook08 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 My personal opinion is that people really shouldn't consider being with just one person until they've had a bit of experience and 'been round the block' a few times. I think you are (both) way too young and you should agree that Life is for living, not being committed so early. Be warned. id have to agree
crazieshnurple Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I had these exact same feelings and my boyfriend did something crazy -he let me act on them. We were starting a ldr, and we took a "break." we still spoke every day, but we were both permitted to treat is an an open relationship of sorts. i knew that if i didn't have a chance to go out and experiment, i would never know what else there was and i would grow to resent him for not letting me do that. no one supported his decision to let me have my fun, but he did it anyways, and he chose not to act on his side because he had "already had his experience" and knew he wanted to be with me. i went out, messed around with no emotional attachment, and after 2 1/2 months of crazy times decided i was done, that he was the only one for me, and that i was in it. what your girlfriend is feeling is not abnormal. it's good that she's being honest with you and letting you know upfront how she feels. i know that hurt my boyfriend a lot, and i will always hate myself for that, but our relationship is so much stronger now because i never have that "what if?" feeling. i would say 99.9% of the guys in the world would never put up with what i did, but he did and it worked for us. it makes sense for this to hurt you, A LOT, and it would make total sense for you to not agree to what she wants, but i do want to let you know that it's a normal feeling and some good can come out of a break for both of you; you can learn if you really want to be together or not.
Author mtvruinedyou Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I had dealt with some severe depression in the past, and some of it was starting to show through again through insecurities and irrational behavior on my part. She asked me to go talk to somebody, and I agreed and set up an appointment. I know what she is feeling isn't abnormal at all, I gave her the option to go out and do whatever she wanted and she started crying and told me that I was the only one for her.
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