Reggie Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Sometimes one just has to let their brain rule, MUN. It why God gave us one. I cannot predict the future with this guy. But, based on what I have seen elsewhere, I'd say the odds of this relationship with a man that has low integrity surviving the crucible of stresses associated with a real , ongterm relationship are slim. Then if that happens, you'll have wasted valuable time/ The fact that you have identified his lack of integrity as an issue puts you ahead of the pack of AP's that seem oblivious to this red flag. .Of thiose that spot it as an issue.there is a form of denial. It amazes me how in so many things, smoking, driving drunk, , eating a constant diet of fries, etc. folks always thing it will be different for them. We all do this to some degree, I think. He's single. It's your life and you have to use your best judgement. Good luck.
mytruelove Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 i second everything you said word for word. my mom actually knew before i even met my guy that i would fall for him. she even told me i just had to meet him. i remember the first time i met him. he was married at the time (the image of the wedding band on his hand still burning a whole in my heart. now, i can't even imagine a ring there unless i put it there.) and i was involved in my relationship with my ex. the second i saw my guy i was completely blown away. i'd never felt anything like it before. it was literally love at very first sight. i walked out the door and my ex saw my face and knew right away just by looking at me that he was in trouble and that i loved this guy. he was always jealous of that. all of my family and friends knew. it isn't something you can hide. not one person will be surprised if the day comes when we are an out in the open real true couple. he got divorced and asked me not to get married. told me not to get married. he poured his heart out to me about his failed relationship. against my better judgement- i married someone else because i had already commited to the ex. he then got into another relationship and that one failed. he poured his heart out to me about that one and now this break up. none of any of the above has ever stopped our feelings for each other. my feelings for him.- they are just as strong all the time and even stronger now, no matter what. NC does not even do it for me. being with someone else does not do it for me. when i am with this guy all the world is right and i have this deep sense that i am exactly where i am met to be and supposed to be. it is the only time i am truly happy - not just content and on the trust thing- if you don't trust him or you can't let yourself trust him, that is a problem, but for me, the bigger problem i've had in my life is not trusting MYSELF. not going with my heart and gut has led me to make many many more mistakes.
Author Myusername Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Reggie thank you. I am pretty realistic and don't kid myself about this. My drive to see him is strong, yet my distrust and fears are screaming as loudly. So why go, well that's the real struggle. Anyway, I am not in the dark. I do not think this will end well in the long term and I will have to go NC forever probably as my morals do not want me in touch with him if he has significant other or I do. I could be email friends I guess without any talks about personal issues, love, feelings, etc but thats unlikely. So I think it will end the way it always does. I don't want to marry this person, and I don't trust this person. Hmmm....funny how strong feelings can still make you do crazy things even if you know better. I am a realist. Thank God for that. Appreciate all of your posts, and apologize for getting ****t* in earlier post. MUN
Author Myusername Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 i second everything you said word for word. none of any of the above has ever stopped our feelings for each other. my feelings for him.- they are just as strong all the time and even stronger now, no matter what. when i am with this guy all the world is right and i have this deep sense that i am exactly where i am met to be and supposed to be. it is the only time i am truly happy - not just content WOW MTL You sure have had a deep and long lasting love for this man. I can see why you stay and hope and hang in there. When you have that special chemistry and you know it in your heart, it is hard to walk away from. I hope and pray that one day you two can and will be together out in the open and wildly in love. Living a life with a broken heart or in love with someone you cant have is hard. Some would tell you to run away fast, I sure will not. I send hugs and support lady! MUN
mytruelove Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 yanno, it is so funny reading your posts because i once felt exactly like you do. i honestly never ever in a million years thought that this man would have feelings for me also. the thought never even crossed my mind - until i saw them for real. sometimes i'm still in disbelief. i never thought we could possibly have a future together. after all, he is soo very different than anything i ever even considered as a match for me or something that i would want... but, the more we survive things together and i see his bad side and he sees mine and we still work it out, forgive each other and trust each other ...the more i really feel that our "something" can be real and we could have a real relationship together. the infactuation stage is WAY over for us and we see each other as real people now, the good the bad and the ugly. so, i'm hopeful that a real relationship can be built on that and we could survive. as far as trust, well, for me, that is something that has never really been based on anything in particular that he has done. it has been based on my love for him and knowing that the only way that could work is if i put trust 1) in my myself and 2) in him. at times he has let me down in this department, at others he has well exceeded my expectations. no one person is perfect and they will let us down at times. human nature. i've let him down. he has let me down. no one person is ever going to meet all our needs - just not possible. that's why we have to rely on ourselves to meet our own needs. i have had the instinct to run soo many times i cannot count. every inch of my body has cried out run run run (i've tried many times), but i realize that it is my own fears and insecurities and me not trusting myself enough or loving myself enough.
Author Myusername Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 yanno, it is so funny reading your posts because i once felt exactly like you do. i honestly never ever in a million years thought that this man would have feelings for me also. the thought never even crossed my mind - until i saw them for real. sometimes i'm still in disbelief. i never thought we could possibly have a future together. after all, he is soo very different than anything i ever even considered as a match for me or something that i would want... but, the more we survive things together and i see his bad side and he sees mine and we still work it out, forgive each other and trust each other ...the more i really feel that our "something" can be real and we could have a real relationship together. the infactuation stage is WAY over for us and we see each other as real people now, the good the bad and the ugly. MTL It sounds like you two have a decent chance of working this out and are truly in love, good, bad and beautiful. I can only sent positive thoughts to you and hope that you will have this man in your life and things will come together the way you want them too. It sounds promising. That is wonderful, not easy but wonderful MUN
frannie Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Sounds exhausting, particularly when there are so many other less stressful options. The world is full of nice, attarctive people taht do not bring this baggage. Why settle? The trouble with that argument, and it's a very sensible one I'm not denying, is that being 'nice, attractive people' isn't the be all and end all. Once you've found that certain something with a particular person it's well nigh impossible to delete it in any way, or for anything else to measure up beside it. Just finding something stress-free isn't enough. It's like comparing eating because you know you logically need to, vs. dining on your absolute favourite food when you're just beyond hungry; like taking a vitamin pill vs. a gourmet meal. Yes, logically one might provide you with 'stress free' existence, but the other is a reason to live, the epitome of WHY you're alive. I don't mean in the way of you can't live without it, or can't do without it in a compulsive, addictive way. But just to compare the sterility of something even 'nice' with something so amazing you think about it for weeks and months afterwards, a thing you long to do again and again. Something without which life isn't unliveable, but its certainly not as rewarding or enjoyable.
jj33 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Yes, logically one might provide you with 'stress free' existence, but the other is a reason to live, the epitome of WHY you're alive. But just to compare the sterility of something even 'nice' with something so amazing you think about it for weeks and months afterwards, a thing you long to do again and again. Something without which life isn't unliveable, but its certainly not as rewarding or enjoyable. Frannie as usual you have got it spot on. The thinking you displayed above is not accepted or understood by people who dont see things in black and white and who prefer the even keel, the stability, the knowledge that it wont keep them up at night for weeks because it was amazing or because it wasnt amazing. Its a whole different way of looking at the world.
mytruelove Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 i was "content" for many years. my ex is the most "attractive" charismatic guy you'd ever meet (he also has plenty of demons behind that), but charming as all get out and could show me affection and i could be well taken care of. yes, i was content, BUT i also spent many years numb and feelingless and lonely, until i met my guy. jj33, i call it the gray strip. there's black and white and EVEN color (believe me i see color with my guy). you can stay on that gray strip forever and survive and be plenty safe and secure, but your really not living, eventually you lose yourself and your spirit.
Recommended Posts