Yikes, will see separated MM 1st time since..

[Myusername]

YIKES

Will be seeing now separated MM for first time since he separated. Will be within 4 or 5 or 12 hours of where he lives...(wont give details) and we will meet up to hang out. I am highly nervous about all of this. Since we never lived in the same state, or near one another, we did not see eachother much. Now this is bringing up a host of feelings and fears and excitement.

 

The guilt of course is minimal because they don't live together anymore, though it is a recent split. Several months will have passed by the time I see him, so he wont be newly newly separated but he will still be emotionally in limbo of course. I have no expectations from this other than enjoying his company for a drink and hanging out without guilt...or as much guilt.

 

I have never had the chance to just hang out with him without all the issues tied into it, except for when we originally met, he was separated then...but that is years and years and years ago.

 

I wont say when I will see him, but i will say it is within the next several months which is soon...really..considering how rarely I see him. The emails the text messages, it brings it all back.

 

I am a different person than I was when we met and I am not sure what I want really, but I always just wanted a chance to hang out with him without all the lies and hiding and pain...his marriage was just about over for a long time, though I dont excuse his actions at all, nor mine, not one bit. But I have this rare chance to hang out. I dont think it will lead to a series of excursions because I sort of believe we live two different lives and its not feasible in the long term, money, guilt, location, and other things...BUT this is a man I cared deeply for for so very long, and now I have a chance to see him.....again, with less restraints.

 

I am sick to my stomach with nerves but also eager because above all else, we get along well and have a good time together. So I need to chill out and enjoy it for what it is. I have no demands or hidden agendas. I am going to be away on business, it is not a trip just to see him, but rather he lives within driving distance to the location I am going, halfway across the universe....:-)

 

It should be interesting to say the least. Mixed emotions fill my thoughts.

 

thanks for letting me express myself here and now. You all have provided some hard truths and soft landings...:-)

MUN

[LavendarGirl]

MUN,

Well, I'm excited to hear all about your meeting, so you must let us know how it goes! Have you talked to him about your trip, and is he expecting your visit, or is this something you haven't told him yet?

 

You know I'm rooting for ya, and also know you'd like to get some answers on this man!!!

 

--LG.

[Reggie]

Should prove educational over the course of time. Now, you can put to the test the theory as to how likely an affair, subjected to normal courting circumstances and some of life's everyday stresses and routine, actually survives.

[Myusername]

MUN,

Well, I'm excited to hear all about your meeting, so you must let us know how it goes! Have you talked to him about your trip, and is he expecting your visit, or is this something you haven't told him yet?

 

You know I'm rooting for ya, and also know you'd like to get some answers on this man!!!

 

THANKS LG,,

how you holding up??? Been thinking about you.

Yeah its all surreal actually. It went from zero to sixty in a few weeks. I dont expect much from the visit...except what usually happens. Wonderful, unforgettable times that lead to disapointment and hurt and confusion..lol..yes its a bit different now. I am wiser, less willing to put myself in a bad situation and eager to get a feel for him now, without having all the attachments so close....in a way.

 

Appreciate your response. He has so far answered all my questions which floored me, and even fessed up to something that happened like 20 yrs ago..something small...really..but it showed a level of trust and truth.

 

I think he is looking just to hang out and chill and have fun...and so am I. Yes he has been in contact a lot, he said he wanted to come see me, is taking off time from work etc all to see me, so I would say he is showing a lot of effort. I dont think it will lead to anything in the long run but i am not looking at that right now...just not where I am. A lot of hurt and pain and healing must happen for everyone...and i dont see us as compatible ...but would have no idea because I have no idea how he lives and who he is on any routine basis. I am far from stupid when it comes to that. Fantasy is easy, reality is dead on hard.

 

You hanging in there??

HUGS

MUN

[Myusername]

Oh I dont fool myself into things a normal relationship with face to face time all the time and regular living would resemble anything like what we have done in the past. Never did I think that. Just know the feelings were deep and different and real. 99% chance I wont ever live in same state as him, I won't move and he probably would not, has wonderful job he has put a lifetime into and needs it badly, and his whole family, kids, grandkids etc are where he lives. So I dont have misconceptions.

 

I just know that when we are together, time stops...and it is just so completely different for me in every way. Do I think a lot of that is because I never see him and dont have to deal with the mundane things and real life hardships any relationship would withstand, YES YES YES. I am not a fool...but I simply need this time with him to just be with him and see what's there. Enjoy the pleasure of his company and just be there. Believe me, if I had to spend a week with anyone I would probably hang myself. Not sure how good I would be in a day to day relationship though I was quite devoted my my ex boyfriends just always ready to have my space all the time. I imagine in time, this relationship would be the same...but its not a game for me, and never was. Not for a minute. I tried to walk away completely so many times. That now seems like a good time to visit...for a day...and get reacquainted.

 

Thanks for your post

MUN

[Reggie]

As I said, it should be educational. Can't maker any prognostications but the dynamics will have changed.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi MUN,

Well, it sounds like you're going into this with the right kind of attitude. Yes, I agree, it's hard to be able to determine at this point if you two are compatable or if you have a relationship that you want to try and build. I am so happy to hear that you two communicated, and he opened up, if just a little bit. Maybe he's coming out of his depression/funk. Just keep both eyes open. You have a good head on your shoulders, you'll be able to tell if you two have any potential. And until then, just meet with the hopes of seeing a good friend and do what you normally do , and you can't ask for more than that!

 

As for me...eh...well, at least MM and I are communicating. I'm seeing some signs from his end that he's still tied into his M, and I'm thinking he's going to stick it out with his W, if just to maintain their miserable status quo. I've got that sinking feeling in my gut that it might be time for me to say farewell to him, and just get on with my life. Well, not really like say farewell officially, but maybe set him down and back away slowly. And then just do what I gotta do & maybe he'll figure his life out and maybe he won't. But I can't force a life change on him, and frankly I'm getting turned off by him being such a fencesitter and total wuss.

 

But that's me today. Give me another week, who knows what I might say, LOL.

 

--LG.

[Myusername]

LG

You sound strong and realistic about everything. Good for you. Yes we change how we feel day by day sometimes, week by week. I did the same thing for years with my Sep MM, like it is time to totally put it to rest and just move on and I did. I did it well just did not find true love. It's hard....you know.

 

I wish you the best with this and know how difficult it is to make and sit with these decisions.

 

Thanks for your support. Yes this will be interesting. My situation. My guess is that if he really stays separated and ends up divorced, he will want to be out and about and living his life, dating and having fun. He has been married for 10,000 years give or take a few..lol...and has endured a lot of hardships with his family, having to be strong for so long and relied upon for everything.

 

I think it may be his time to sow some oats...lol...experience life and just be...he has hobbies and interests and perhaps needs to spread his wings and fly. I would not blame him, not now after all i learned on line here. I have way more knowledge and acceptance than I did.

 

I do believe he has deep feelings for me, I know he does, its undeniable. And I guess if we were in the same hemisphere..lol..and he stays single we would try dating, but the cards are stacked against us in so many ways. I will just wait and see.

 

The lead up to the event will be wonderful as we always enjoy a healthy reunion and get psyched to see one another. I have held back for so long due to his situation so now I can actually (with still protecting my heart and dignity) be exicted openly to a degree, and just be thankful for the opportunity to see him without all the strings attached. Tho I realize the strings are still there, dangling..probably more than I care to admit.

 

Thanks and pats on the back to you for being strong and rational, which is more than I can say for myself.

MUN

[LavendarGirl]

MUN,

What? Of course you're rational! No, you have very realistic expectations with your sep MM. You're expecting him to enjoy the taste of post-D freedom, and he's most likely not looking to settle down with Ms. Right, or Ms. Right Now anyhow. Go and enjoy your trip, you deserve it, and I think you're making a good solid choice.

 

But wow, aren't you dating, like, an older guy? Married 10,000 years? Hats off to ya

[Myusername]

LG

lol..no

I try to sort of be vague here in what I say...because I have friends who use this site and friends I have turned onto this site, thats why I dont give details. I sort of pretend I live in Guam and he lives in France..lol so I am not recognized here. Though I am sure some people (friends) may figure out who I am. I just dont want to hurt people who might read this, including ex boyfriends who I still care about and would not want to hurt, who know I have a connection with this man. Long story.

 

I cant really speak at freely as I would like here. I just wont hurt people that way.

My good friends know about this person but do not agree with what i am doing and saw me hurt over this man deeply so I dont share a lot about him.

Thanks, I really relate to you.

now go out there and show em what you got while your fence sitter is missing out on something great, YOU...

MUN

[Reggie]

Sounds like you have many secrets.

[Myusername]

Reggie

for what its worth..not that I feel some big urge to keep explaining myself....what I have is a desire not to hurt people in any way. Because I care for my a special special ex boyfriend, who is still very close to me uses online forums often /online groups, I am trying to protect PEOPLE. I wont sit here and spell it out, it's not about secrets, its about not doing an ANGELINA JOLIE and sharing how I fell in love with another with someone elses husband in a way that it could potentially hurt someone. Because I still had feelings for the MM where I was dating my ex BF, I am trying to use caution and discretion..not secrets. So would the world change and be a better place if I said the man lives in Oregan and my name is Michelle and I am going to see him at the Marriott Hotel on Tuesday December yada yada...no. I am protecting people thats all. No one needs to know more details that I give them....simple as that. It is because I care about others...I dont give 100% details. Geez

 

My ex bf knows all about the ex MM, I was honest with him ..but he sure does not need to know I still care and that I cared a lot about the exMM while we were dating. Why should he have to endure that. And because we are still close, he knows me well, when I go away , how I write, speak... etc etc. He used relationship forums for his own growth. If he ever came to this one, he does not need to hear about my affections for someone else. Simple as that. NOT does a potential Betrayed Spouse. I worry about that too.

 

Its not my job in life to hurt people nor spell out the name, date and blood type of the ex MM i was seeing. There is potential that people he knows could read this site or anyone could read this site. Do I want to hurt him, NO, do I want to hurt my recent ex BF, no way. Do I want to hurt his wife, most of all NO. I was dedicated and loved my x BF as much as I could, and did not carry on the A when we were together but its still hurtful to other people.

 

I try to point people to sites and forums that could help them and I have pointed people here, before I came on this specific topic...I used other topics here...on exact site. I used Loveshack for other threads....so I am careful about what I say to protect the lives of others...not to be some secretive game player. My friends do not want to see me hurt so they dont need to sit through every detail about my relationship with a MM, which has been painful. It's actually an attempt, to not be selfish. I see people use this site with reckless abandon and if significant others or friends or partners saw their posts they were surely be recognized....and deeply pained.

 

DO YOU want some betrayed H or W to find out about her spouses affair here on line..in a public format and add salt to a wound. I DO NOT. I have a conscience...believe it or not. It seems on this site some people are so ready to look at some hidden motives or make people feel more ****t* than they do...I see it all the time on here. Oh well, think what you want, whatever you think about me cant be worse that the guilt and anxiety I have already about myself for my past. The best medicine is growing, learning and not hurting people again.

 

Its my conscience and beliefs about morality and integrity that brought me here, to work on my past and learn and help rebuild, and work through pain..Not to be deceiving...

 

ANyway, woke up in a less than great mood with anxiety about the ex MM so guess I was not in the mood to defend myself nor read this forum right now. My bad, i know what I signed on for here. Basically I am a deeply kind and loving person who hated more than anything, being with someone elses man. It completely messed with my beliefs and values and I feel sick about it. Thats why I am here. NOT to learn how to do it better, UGH. Shame, guilt and sadness brought me here and a deep desire to learn about affairs in general and see how foolish I was in the past.

 

My "so called lies" are um, lets see, saying that the MM lives 8,000 miles away when maybe he lives 3,000 miles away, or saying my age is somewhere between 35 and 50

. Is that such a deep and destructive lie...lol..I think not my friend

 

man I should not have responded, I am ready to lash out. Perhaps its time to get off line for a while. Just trying to do the right thing more and more, and learn from the past. So hang me..lol....

MUN

[LavendarGirl]

MUN,

Don't sweat it. You can be anonymous on the forum, and vague when you want to be! I understand giving out too many details. I have wondered sometimes if my MM ever found LS, he'd be able to tell right off that this is me because of the details and dates and such I've given. But my friends/family aren't aware of him and those details, and those are the folks I'd really want to keep from discovering me here!!

 

--LG.

[Reggie]

I was simply making an observation, not advocating you disclose info. But, if your morality makes you concerned about hurting others, why engage in an affair?

[jj33]

MUN you would in fact be extremely irresponsible if you gave out all of the pertinent information concerning yourself and other people

 

You dont need to apologize to anyone for protecting your privacy.

 

Lavendar I agree I used to wonder if xMM read the forum would he know it was me if only because of my writing style or the timing of certain things I posted I mean lets face it if you lover or x lover reads this thing and CANT ID your posts then Id say they really dont know you at all.

 

so anything you can do to protect your anonymity is a good thing this is totally open forum so anyone can type in your username and come up with your posts

[Myusername]

Reggie

I realized before and after writing the reply, I was defensive and angry, and you were merely stating a point. I did not mean to come off so hostile. The guilt is what stopped the affair for a time, and when I met the exMM originally, he was separated and living close to me for a short time, temporarily...so I met him under a completely different circumstance. Had I known he was going to go back and move home and try to work it out with wife, I would have never gotten involved. When I met him, his marriage was over (so I thought). It never dawned on me he had any interest in going back to her, it was not even a thought in my mind. We dated for_____ while he was in the same state, and I have not lived in the same (atmosphere, city, town, area) since we met (x) years ago.

 

When I found out he went back to wife I ended things quickly and was devastated because of lies. I found out after the fact, it broke my heart. I never would have knowingly gone for a married man. When they were separated and living in different states, it made me think it was over. We met during that time.

 

I continued to see him much against my morality but i was selfish and weak and madly in love, for the first time ever. It was an immense, disheartening situation. I broke it off many times, but since we lived so so so far away , it was not like I saw him much ....I always tried to keep it as moral as I could given the immorality of it all, I backed off most of time. We did see eachother over the years, and the feelings stayed deep and heavy but when I dated other people over the years, I did not cheat on them, nor did i continue the same type of conversations with the exMM. I felt it was wrong. I still do. But I never forgot him, not even close. He was always in my heart and mind even with beuatiful men/BF's in my life, he was not forgotten.

 

Just because I feel it was totally wrong and hurtful, did not mean I did not slip up and make wrong, hurtful choices. Now I have a chance to see him and while at first I was excited and eager (he is separated now and not living with wife)...I am now ..suddenly sick about it.

 

I was up all night with old guilt and fear, he lied to her, he lied to me, he spent time and effort on me and chose to lie about it. Now I am faced with a double edge sword. I want to see him and its not a crime to see a separated man, but I have a lot of hurt and pain and I feel so much less respect for him now than I thought I would have. It seems I should feel great about seeing him now, and I did yesterday (feel great about seeing him in the next few months) but last night I just felt sick. WHy would I give my time and attention to someone who would lied to another so badly and have an affair. It makes no sense, I realize that. I do believe he still loves me, yet I am not sure what to do about it all. Since we rarely have the opportunity to see one another, it seems that now is the time, while we both are somewhat untangled.

 

This man chose to lie and cheat on his wife and I have guilt about that still and it makes me look at him in a dark place. Before I just was so in love and so shaken up that I could not see clearly. I always had guilt and deep remorse. Now I question how much time I want to spend with someone that clearly lied to his wife for a long time.

 

I don't trust that he won't lie to me and I feel sick about seeing him, yet eager to spend some time. We have a beautiful connection and our time together has always been beyond expectations. I have always had this back and forth love, sadness, fear thing with him, and i dont respect him as much. Its changed. This A led me to many things, to seek help for my actions, to find deeper faith, to want for more for me and others, to look deeply into my behavior and why I did this, and so on. Now that I get a chance to see him without the same immorality I still feel guilt and a sick knot in my stomach. I was deeply hurt by it all and I have no trust....yet I also want to see him and hang out.

 

I change my feelings every day about it. One day I say DON'T contact me ever again, the next I saw..."Hey , remember when we did xyz at ___ place and heard that great song..."....

 

I am confused and scared. And obviously defensive.

This relationship has torn me apart for many years. And it is inconsistent with my values. YET now he is probably getting divorced and I am faced with a new situation.

 

thanks

MUN

[Myusername]

thanks JJ

Appreciate it. If certain people were to find these posts they would know it is me. Exboyfriends or perhaps particular friends. I need to watch what I say out of respect for them...or if exMM wife ever should find this forum. I would not want that.

TY

MUN

[jj33]

And for your own personal safety - look how incensed and self righteous and moralistic some posters get about the fact that we have had affairs - and this is just cyberspace and they dont know us

 

if someone who was closer to the situation found it, it could be more difficult

[Reggie]

MUN, I think you've nailed it. Despite whatever attractive qualities this man has, bottom line is that you know he lacks integrity. It's tough, if not impossible to build a relationship with someone you do not trust.

When I was younger, I was a very good college basketball player, in shape, decent looking etc. I began a job working for a married woman whose brother played in the NBA. She was stunning and she started hitting on me. I knew her husband and I liked him a lot.

This woman was the most beautiful woman I ever saw and really smart. But, I knew that I could never respect her for what she was attempting to do. I've had some second thoughts about having forgone that opportunity. But, I know I could never have felt comfortable with myself or with her.

When folks show you who they are, believe them. Tough to do when the package is so attractive, I know. We wish it was not so, but it is. Good luck.

[mytruelove]

wow, reading your post it just makes me think how stressed and anxious these relationships make us. it is very hard to live with the pit in the stomach. i'm trying very hard right now to let go of that. not an easy thing to do. all i can say is that a couple of months will fly by for you, but it is a couple of months and in the meantime i would RELAX girl and work on making yourself the best you can be.

 

even with all the stress and anxiety, i still wouldn't trade what i have with my guy, because i love him and it's worth it to me and the good makes me happier than i could ever imagine.

 

oh, and no need to defend yourself hon. take what you like or is helpful and leave the rest

[LavendarGirl]

wow, reading your post it just makes me think how stressed and anxious these relationships make us. it is very hard to live with the pit in the stomach. i'm trying very hard right now to let go of that. not an easy thing to do.

 

MTL, you said it! The stress...the anxiety...the drama...OMG, stop the merry-go-round, I wanna get off!!

[Reggie]

Sounds exhausting, particularly when there are so many other less stressful options. The world is full of nice, attarctive people taht do not bring this baggage. Why settle?

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Reggie,

I can't speak for MUN and her situation. But as for me. I am positively in love with this MM. I've known him for years. I fell in love with him when neither of us were married and we were BF/GF. The reasons for our breakup are too personal/long to get into here, but suffice to say as much as I've tried to forget and erase this man from my mind, I can't.

 

I certainly didn't set out to pursue a MM for the sake of spoiling a marriage. Of course I see the merits of a single, available man over a MM. I don't generally date MM, and in fact this is the only MM or A I ever got tangled up with. And if things were to not work out between myself and this MM, I'm definitely NOT looking to date married men.

[mytruelove]

"Sounds exhausting, particularly when there are so many other less stressful options. The world is full of nice, attarctive people taht do not bring this baggage. Why settle?"

 

reggie that is a great question and one i am definitely weighing right now. could not have put it better myself. i am wondering this. i'm pretty good at backing off and taking a break when i need to for my own sanity. NEVER is completely leaving the relationship a thought or consideration for me though. i can't imagine it. i can't imagine him not being in my life. it's the saddest thing i can think about. him going through life alone, content but not happy. me going through life always loving him and being without him.

 

on the why settle part?... well, i've said this before, but believe it or not, my making a choice to be with him is the very first time i haven't "settled". it's the very first time i knew exactly what i wanted for a very very long time, just never had the guts to go after it. for once, i finally thought of my own happiness and the potential for it and decided it was worth any risk. for the first time in my life i decided to do something for me.

 

has that always led me to do the right thing, make the right decisions, or what might keep me out of harms way?, nope...but i did follow my heart.

[Myusername]

So many similarities MTL and LG..

 

Reggie I agree with them because my situation, though different by far, is yet still so similar. Mnay wonderful, kind and honest men have passed my way and come into my life since I met MM. I opened myself up fully to let others in, yet none could make me forget this person I never anticipated falling for. We had a casual date so many years ago when he was separated....with ZERO expectations, just to share a drink. It changed the moment I met him, life seemed to be different since that day. It is so hard to explain, especially since I have had so many relationships in my life, and dont fall easy, or at all.

 

Something just happens, and other men can offer you the world, be the most loving, kind, successful, good, honest men on the planet, and be madly in love with you, but nothing can replace (so far) the feelings I had for this man as hard as I tried to forget him and the feelings. Its wild and scary and sad and intense and deep and real. I don't put myself in the same category as MTL and LG, they have had deeper and more frequent contact and history with their men, so I can only imagine its twice as hard for them to move on.

 

I believe a lot of OW and OM try to move on, and go out there and live their lives, but if no one ever makes you feel that same connection, it is just hard. If you are true to your heart, it is hard to move on. I moved on physically many times, and finally moved on emotionally...at last and then made the mistake of seeing this person under the auspices of (JUST FRIENDS) and SLAM SMACK it all came right back.

 

I did not stop living or dating and I tried to find healthier situations. I found them. And I just could not feel what I felt for him, in those situations even though they were way better for me, and more nurturing and loving and real and honest, they still were not what me and exMM had. Nothing can compare. Five minutes with him was like a lifechanging event for both of us.

 

It is real, could it work in real life, I think there is slim to no chance, but that does not change that he is deep in my soul.

 

The only way I could move on was complete NC or to actually truly, deep fall in love with someone and have such a strong connection that it slowly changed how i felt about MM

 

It SUCKS to have your heart wrapped around something you cant trust.

WOW this is getting deep..my heart is an open wound.

MUN