Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Okay...so this may sound a rather silly, obtuse question but I think it's a very essential one. But firstly I must relate it back to myself, since that's why i'm asking it. I think essentially I am a very lonely person and very introspectic. I have a lot of friends, a loving family and people know nothing about the 'true me' other than those close enough to me. Anyway - weird as it sounds, I find it hard to get through a day without validation. I don't know whether this comes from my family. My parents are polar opposites. My mum shelters me, mollycoddles me and spoils me and my father is more blunt, strict and dismissive. As such i've never really learnt how to cope by myself. It's like even in a low stress environment like at work, I need to feel validated. I need that kind comment, I need an I love you... I don't know really whether human beings can truly live without validation but how can I live without needing my mothers approval or my boyfriends love....it may sound a bit sappy...but I just mean how you be truly self-sufficient, independent, cope alone....without feeling lonely and unappreciated?
againstallodds Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hi Nikki, Do you live at home or live alone? I live alone and have my own place so when I do things I usually do it on my own and make my own decisions. If I screwed up then I learn from that. Maybe you're afraid to fail. Sometime you have to make a decision and learn things the hard way but hey it's life. If you don't screw up then I guess you'll always be afraid and unsure about things. Having advices is good but sometime only you will know that you make the right decision. If you live on your own basically you're forced to make your own decision so you don't need validation from anyone.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 You grow up, mature, and learn to validate yourself. When you're comfortable with your decisions, opinions and judgments, you don't need outside validation to make you feel sure of yourself. We are the only people that we can count on. Once you learn and accept that YOU are enough, then third-party validation will become nice, but not necessary.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I live at home still...but that's because I am at a nearby uni and obviously moneywise it's easier. London is murder to but your own house and I couldn't afford it on a temping salary. Also I suffered in the past a lot with anxiety/depression/agrophobia and my home/family became my safety net and security. I think to a degree maybe I am frightened of failure. I am a bit of a perfectionist and don't handle rejection and criticism well. But I am always willing to learn and often keep my sensitivity inside. Maybe i'm just too world-weary:p
MalachiX Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 If you're old enough and can afford it, now may be the best time to move out of your parent's house and learn to live on your own.
kizik Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 OI need to feel validated. I need that kind comment, I need an I love you... how you be truly self-sufficient, independent, cope alone....without feeling lonely and unappreciated? Hi there Nikki, this is such a good question. It's something I struggle with everyday. Unlike you, I don't have lots of friends, or even a family. While you are wondering how to escape the constant coddling, I am trying to figure out why no one cares about me. But what we have in common is this: we wanna know HOW we can make it in this world WITHOUT the approval, validation and ego feeding of others. It's not easy. You should consider yourself lucky. I'd rather be you than me any day.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Hi there Nikki, this is such a good question. It's something I struggle with everyday. Unlike you, I don't have lots of friends, or even a family. While you are wondering how to escape the constant coddling, I am trying to figure out why no one cares about me. But what we have in common is this: we wanna know HOW we can make it in this world WITHOUT the approval, validation and ego feeding of others. It's not easy. You should consider yourself lucky. I'd rather be you than me any day. That's an eye opener. Isn't it weird how too much or too little of something can create the exact same effect? I feel kind of suffocated, stifled and unable to think for myself sometimes. And you are probably reaching out for someone to suffocate you a little bit! It makes me feel ungreatful for my great family but I suppose there are positives and negatives within everything. I just wish I had that solid confidence, that solid backbone - to get me through.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 kizik, I'm sort of like you - I do have a family, but I rarely see them and they are halfway across the country. When my ex-husband left me, I knew absolutely NO ONE in the new city to which we'd recently moved. I worked from home as a consultant, so I didn't even really know my co-workers. I had to largely rebuild my life solo. I decided to get a good grief counselor, who helped me tremendously. It was through her that I learned "I am enough." People will come and go in my life, but unless I believe that I am enough, I will always be seeking someone else, perhaps at the expense of my better judgment. Believe me, I used to be heavily reliant on external validation - it was part of the reason that my marriage crumbled. My ex-husband was largely responsible for my happiness because I put my emotional well-being into his hands and expected a LOT of validation from him (empathy, kind words, little presents, putting MY issue/problem first almost all the time, using my "bad day" to get my way, etc.). Nobody wants to feel responsible for another person's happiness, so I believe all of our relationships are in peril UNLESS we learn to validate ourselves first. And it's something that we all need to do, no matter our social dynamic.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I really feel what you say Crestfallen. The thing is i've always been aware that I seek others so often I stayed away from it. I avoided boyfriends because I didn't WANT to be reliant on them. But then I fell in love... and now I have to switch up my act WHILST being with someone which is hard to balance...
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Those who seek validation from within NEVER have to seek approval from anyone else. Seeking approval from other sets expectations of them which more often than not are not met. Once you put expectations on others, you set yourself up for disappointment. Seek validation within and you'll ALWAYS be happy and content.
againstallodds Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 If you're the type who play it safe all the time it's hard to grow. Risk vs Reward. There's book called How to Win Friends & Influence People http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650 It's a great book. Try to do things for others instead of asking why they don't care about you or do things for you. Everybody is selfish they want everything for themselves. Maybe you'll get confident by helping and doing things for others.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Those who seek validation from within NEVER have to seek approval from anyone else. Seeking approval from other sets expectations of them which more often than not are not met. Once you put expectations on others, you set yourself up for disappointment. Seek validation within and you'll ALWAYS be happy and content. But isn't that setting yourself up as too important? I notice on these boards two extremes of people. Insecure ones and narcissists. And isn't needing only self-validation (though I know you didn't say that) selfish in a way? I'm a team person. I like people. I like to help them and for them to help me. I don't like independence, sound weird? But I don't like being alone and don't see why I should be. I find it hard to just accept me without in being validated by a friend, by family, by my boyfriend, by what i'm doing etc. I find that sort of life lonely and hollow and self-centred.
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Not too many people can live without love of some form. It's the nature of being human. I don't see it as a form of validation, unless it validates the person, to be in a relationship. Also, not too many people can live in a consistent environment of non-approval. That's a very negative environment and can easily mess with peoples' heads. Maybe it's a matter of personal balance. Is it a need? If so, to what level? If it's to a reasonable level, where your life doesn't come crashing down around you without it, for short spans of time, then it's all good. Btw, narcissists have low self-esteem. They require narcissistic feeds of approval and validation from their environment, on an ongoing and increasing level.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 But isn't that setting yourself up as too important? I find that sort of life lonely and hollow and self-centred. I guess I'm wondering why you started this post then if you consider self-validation as something so negative. I won't speak for Cali, but I am encouraging you to consider learning self-validation rather than just going without (like you seem to be suggesting). It's not black or white - you don't either have to be adored by dozens of other people or go totally without. By learning to validate yourself, you'll still be able to enjoy and appreciate external validation, but you won't be so reliant on it. What's so selfish and self-important about that?
kizik Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I notice on these boards two extremes of people. Insecure ones and narcissists. Sh*t, that's not very nice. I don't like independence, sound weird? But I don't like being alone and don't see why I should be. I find it hard to just accept me without in being validated by a friend, by family, by my boyfriend, by what i'm doing etc. I find that sort of life lonely and hollow and self-centred. I take back what I said about wanting to trade places with you. You don't like independence. Hmm. You are going to have a very tough time in life when you and your BF split up, and when your parents die. If you were in my place, you would have killed yourself a long time ago. Not too many people can live without love of some form. It's the nature of being human. I feel that. Sometimes I wonder how I make it through the day. By learning to validate yourself, you'll still be able to enjoy and appreciate external validation, but you won't be so reliant on it. What's so selfish and self-important about that? Yeah but this Nikki has absolutely no sense of self without the constant adoration of others. She thinks we're arrogant and self-centered b/c we have learned to live alone... WTF is that? Bass-ackwards thinking if I've ever heard it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 But isn't that setting yourself up as too important? This tells me you have no idea what "self-Validation" actually entails. I notice on these boards two extremes of people. Insecure ones and narcissists. And isn't needing only self-validation (though I know you didn't say that) selfish in a way? I'm a team person. I like people. I like to help them and for them to help me. I don't like independence, sound weird? But I don't like being alone and don't see why I should be. I find it hard to just accept me without in being validated by a friend, by family, by my boyfriend, by what i'm doing etc. I find that sort of life lonely and hollow and self-centred. This absolutely convinces me you have no idea what "self-Validation" actually entails. Self-validation isn't about being independent and separate from others. It's about being able to hold your head high with others, or alone. You are not less than anyone else. But you are not more, either.
CaliGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 OP, let me explain further. Self-validation isn't saying you are BETTER THAN or MORE IMPORTANT than anyone else, it simply means that you don't seek the approval from others, but simply from yourself. You do things that make you happy and don't focus on doing things to make others happy for the sole purpose of receiving their approval. You do things for others because it makes YOU happy. You do things for others because it's the right thing to do. Not for any selfish reasons. God recognizes it when this commandment is passed on from Jesus: "Love others as you love yourself" Obviously you should love and respect yourself (otherwise you won't truly know how to love others). Encompassed in this ideal of loving and respecting one's self is also seeking validation from within. Do you remember flying? Do you remember the pre-flight routine when they talk about the Oxygen masks dropping down? What do they say? "Place the mask on your face first, THEN assist others…" Self-validation, self-approval, self-confidence and loving one's self are all very similar concepts. You really are of no use to others if you don't love and respect yourself. Seek that approval from within and you'll understand what I mean.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Try one step at a time for over-coming some of the things you wish to change about yourself. I use to not deal well with criticism either. When I would get criticism, I was quick to make excuses. It is a poor habit and habits are hard to break so try one at a time. This one is the easiest I'd think of the ones you listed. Next time you receive criticism (I don't care if you think its fair or not), just say: "I"m sorry. I will try harder next time. Do you have any suggestions for me?" Then just keep your mouth shut and listen. Thank them when there done. It isn't about the person criticizing you for right now or if it is fair or not. Its about breaking the bad habit of arguing and making excuses. Then, if you find you're still dwelling about it when you leave the situation, call a friend and ask about their day or how they've been. Whatever can occupy your mind fully so you can't think about it anymore for a while.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Sh*t, that's not very nice. I take back what I said about wanting to trade places with you. You don't like independence. Hmm. You are going to have a very tough time in life when you and your BF split up, and when your parents die. If you were in my place, you would have killed yourself a long time ago. I feel that. Sometimes I wonder how I make it through the day. Yeah but this Nikki has absolutely no sense of self without the constant adoration of others. She thinks we're arrogant and self-centered b/c we have learned to live alone... WTF is that? Bass-ackwards thinking if I've ever heard it. Nope Kizik thats not what I meant...though I realise it sounds like that in reading it back. I don't mean everyone on these boards is either arrogant or insecure but that definately on the boards those extremes are shown (no names mentioned). I see it from both sides. From my side....I see it as I don't want to live JUST for me. As in I am very generous. I love to be needed and be wanted because I love to be there for someone and care for them...kind of like a mother hen type thing. It fills something for me. I realise you are saying its not about living JUST for you, it's about accepting that you are essentially alone (if people leave you, die) but I don't really see a point to live if it can't be for others, for people - whether that's a good or bad point to have.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Examine your motivation. Why do you do these things? Do you do them to be popular? Do you do them to be liked? Do you do them to be depended on? Do you do them to be needed? Do you do them to bring thanks and gratitude? Do you do them because whilst you do them, it makes you feel good? All the wrong reasons......
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Examine your motivation. Why do you do these things? Do you do them to be popular? Do you do them to be liked? Do you do them to be depended on? Do you do them to be needed? Do you do them to bring thanks and gratitude? Do you do them because whilst you do them, it makes you feel good? All the wrong reasons...... Interesting way of putting it. I do most things I do because I want to. But somtimes being depended on and needed and the thanks and gratitude and feeling good do come into it. But then to feel nothing when you do a good thing is to behave altruistically and you could argue there is no such thing as true altruism
Meaplus3 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 but I just mean how you be truly self-sufficient, independent, cope alone....without feeling lonely and unappreciated? When you find inner peace. When your happy with who YOU are as a person the need to be validated by others will not matter. I'm not saying that one does not need love and nuturing I'm just saying that one can live without the validation of another if your truly happy with who you are. just my thoughts. Mea:)
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