Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Ok, bear with this one, it's been hard to articulate to myself, never mind to a bunch of people on a forum. Got this email from my ex's sister yesterday saying how shocked everyone is that she broke up with me (including my ex!), how no-one saw it coming and how she hopes I'm ok etc. Very nice of her, but it hurt me because it seemed so final, so definite, like she was telling me it was over for good (get onto that in a minute). So I replied with a very general (not the exact words) "Nice to know someone's remembering there's a hurt confused guy involved here (slightly pointed comment, but I worded it in such a way as I got away with it), I was shocked too, just doing my best to go day to day, hope all is well with you." type affair. So, I expected that to be the end of it. OH NOOOOOOOO. THAT can't be the end of it. She replies, telling me again how shocked her whole family is, how my ex was in floods of tears over the phone, how crap she felt etc, but how it just didn't feel right and she couldn't lead me on. There was also something about how she KNOWS nothing happened with this other guy before she saw me, but that was by-the-by for me, I know it didn't. Anyway, here's what's bothering me. Like I mentioned before, the language of the email was very terminal, definite. "I hope you can move on quickly", "she realised it didn't feel right and couldn't lie to you or herself", as if to say "Sorry, it's over forever". If you don't know the backstory, we liked each other from day 1, but I was in a relationship. Despite other relationships, whenever we'd meet up single, something would happen, so clearly there was a deep-seated attraction in there that everyone saw, but the timing was never right. She said she was never going to let me go again and that I'd better be in this for the long-term. This makes it difficult to accept that SUDDENLY it doesn't feel right because of a crush on some other guy, probably brought on by my absence (what she alluded to!), it will never feel right again, and that leads me to WANT to believe that she's just confused cos I'm thousands of miles away for another 6 months, and she'll realise when the honeymoon period of this new relationship is over that she's made a mistake. It's comforting. Of course it is. I know this is one of those false hope things, but I looked at it this way. If she hasn't made a mistake, then I will never know. She, or anyone else, can't tell me she hasn't for certain, because she doesn't know how she'll feel tomorrow/next week, next month... To prove she hasn't, she has to be with him EVERY DAY forever. To prove she HAS made a mistake, it only takes a moment, one instance of a break-up/doubt in her head that ends it. (It's like Karl Popper's philosophical proof problem - to prove all swans are white, all swans have to be white in the past, now and forever, and that's impossible to prove. To DISPROVE it tho, you only have to find 1 black swan, then it's all over). Sorry, it makes sense in my head, but I can't verbalise it that well. The bottom line is this. My hope that she realises she's made a mistake is kind of win/win. Either she hasn't, in which case I'll never know that for sure because I can't peer into the future, and by the time it becomes apparent she'll probably be with him forever (which would have to be YEARS from now), I'll have got over it. OR she HAS made a mistake, in which case again, hopefully I'll be over it and not care anymore anyway. What I'm saying is that there's no deadline for her realising a mistake, it could be tomorrow, next month, next year... Problem is these emails from her sister almost make it sound like she knows she hasn't made a mistake, and that destroys my theory and comfort blanket. I mean there's nothing to say she's having doubts NOW and just hasn't told anyone (which is exactly what happened with me). She always said afterwards that if I'd stayed in the UK, things would have been different, which leads me to believe she freaked at the LDR thing, and a buddy of mine sited multiple cases of his friends breaking up when one went travelling, only to rekindle it when they returned. I dunno, I guess half the point of this thread is getting my thoughts in order, but I also have some questions: 1) I know I'm insane to be holding onto this hope. BUT, with the knowledge that it's kind of win/win, and if it tries to hurt me I'll be over it by then anyway, is it that unhealthy? Is it stopping me from getting over it? I had the thought today that we'll never be together again because she feels nothing for me, and it hurt, but then I can't believe that right now because she kept saying it would have been different if I'd stayed, so me being back there could change things... 2) I know I should cease email with her sister if it makes me feel this way, but it's hard. Do I pry a little in one last email, saying "I still can't believe it and keep hoping things will change..." or is that gonna be fatal, despite knowing she can't possibly say with all certainty that it's over forever? 3) Does anyone know a good sanitarium, preferably with a pool? I know what you're gonna say. You're hooked on her still, get over it, but with this thinking going on in my mind, it isn't that I don't WANT to believe she's never coming back, it's my brain WON'T LET ME think that! *Rocks catatonically in a corner, mumbling about cheese*
sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Its easy for someone else to say...don't email her sister.. because I think I would keep prying. It is the wrong thing to do...only because it continues to hurt.. Does it really change things?? I agree...I think we all need a place to go and be crazy and heartbroken together to get over this. THIS SUCKS. I hate this feeling. One thing..and I really should take my own advice..and I am trying.. from experience from 2004...I KNOW that life goes on without them. I know this..its harder than hell in the first few months and scary... but eventually things feel better. But I never dreamed I would be in this spot again with my current boyfriend who wanted to marry me and have my children. God..he loved me and cared for me sooo much.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Ok a billion thoughts pop into my head on this post. You talk about the email from her sister makes it sound like she knows she didn't make a mistake. But then your quote says that to know, it has to have never been or never will be. Well you and probably her have no idea that she won't have doubt of her choice in the future. Just remember that quote. It is an awesome one. Another suggestion is don't write the sister back. You are only going to do it because you hope that maybe she will tell her and then she will feel bad and think she made a mistake and want to come back to you. However, that is probably not going to be the case. Also, don't you want her to come back on her own. Because she realized she made a mistake and loves you and wants to be with you. Not because of a feeling of guilt or persuasion. That is at least what I try to tell myself. If she doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be. No one wants to hear it or believe. I am one of them. But deep down, in my logical part of my brain, which is very very tiny at this moment, I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. Hope this helps some. In a way I think I am sort of writing this to myself.
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I know you speak the truth. Only yesterday I saw pics of another girl that broke my heart years ago, and I felt NOTHING for her at all. I know it's possible, and I can't WAIT for that moment I realise I wouldn't want her back. I get excited thinking about it, but it frustrates me I can't make it happen sooner. She was just so perfect in everything, and I can't see myself finding all that in one person again... AAGGHH!! I should have just got with her in the first place then I'd never have come out here and ruined it!!!!
starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 ok so i don't "know" you, but well i kinda know you...and sending/getting another email, kinda threw you off the deep end here, my personal opinion, either a. don't reply to this second email at all, or if you think she will continue sending them, send her a reply back that is, "thank you for your concern, yada yada yada, but please understand what i'm going through and do not contact me anymore." and if you get any more emails DELETE DELETE DELETE. as for point 1. i can't comment. i keep checking my phone over and over hoping he's called/texted and i just happend to not hear my annoyingly loud ringtone. or hoping that somehow magically when i get to school, he'll know and come groveling at my door with some pretty flowers. and as for 3....tell me when you find one, indoor pool though, or a climate that remains warm all year. please and thank you. but if you had done that, you wouldn't know all us awsome brain exploding people!
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Ok a billion thoughts pop into my head on this post. You talk about the email from her sister makes it sound like she knows she didn't make a mistake. But then your quote says that to know, it has to have never been or never will be. Well you and probably her have no idea that she won't have doubt of her choice in the future. Just remember that quote. It is an awesome one. Another suggestion is don't write the sister back. You are only going to do it because you hope that maybe she will tell her and then she will feel bad and think she made a mistake and want to come back to you. However, that is probably not going to be the case. Also, don't you want her to come back on her own. Because she realized she made a mistake and loves you and wants to be with you. Not because of a feeling of guilt or persuasion. That is at least what I try to tell myself. If she doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be. No one wants to hear it or believe. I am one of them. But deep down, in my logical part of my brain, which is very very tiny at this moment, I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. Hope this helps some. In a way I think I am sort of writing this to myself. Yeah, what you say all makes sense. What kills me is yes, it does sound like the sister KNOWS she didn't make a mistake, but I know she can't possibly know that. It's a conflict in my head. Maybe I was hoping she'd already realised... I wouldn't put this stuff in an email to her sister, and I definitely don't want to FORCE her back, which is why I'm 8th day NC and not even tempted. She has to discover this on her own if it's true. One of my blocks on recovery right now is how perfect she is. Someone mentioned piercings yesterday and I nearly cracked. I'll never find another girl with everything she had. Breaks my heart I let the perfect girl for me go because of some stupid Canada trip.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 They should have little break-up villages, were we all can go and be pampered and swim and go in a hot tub. Sure I could do this with friends, but to be honest, I am not really that into them right now......... Because they are happy as can be with their SO!!!! I want to cry with someone who is also crying!
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I'm sorry to hear this. I had assumed the sister would receive your e-mail and likely go dark or realize you didn't want to talk about it. At this point, though she feels like she is helping, she isn't. If you respond to her again, absolutely DO NOT make any reference to your ex or your breakup. I would simply say something like "I can appreciate your confusion and kind words, but I really don't want to hear anymore about your sister's pain or confusion as I am confused myself." You're not the person who she should be trying to "figure things out from," and she's not being terribly considerate by putting these questions to you, the dumpee. As far as your other questions - you are right where MANY of us have been after a breakup. Yes, it's all normal - it's all normal to have that bit of hope, to be frustrated that things seem to so final, to hope she comes out of her "affair fog," etc. Your brain isn't going to let you "stop thinking these things" right now. But, as time goes on you move through the stages, you will get to the point where the last thing you will do is consider taking her back. Even in the unlikely event that she does come back, your focus really has to be on moving on solo. In the meantime, allow yourself to have your emotions and don't beat yourself up for having them. It's going to suck for awhile, but if you allow them to move through you instead of stuffing them or holding on to them, you'll get through this sooner and be heathier as a result. Acknowledge them, feel what you're feeling, and then go do something.
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 ok so i don't "know" you, but well i kinda know you...and sending/getting another email, kinda threw you off the deep end here, my personal opinion, either a. don't reply to this second email at all, or if you think she will continue sending them, send her a reply back that is, "thank you for your concern, yada yada yada, but please understand what i'm going through and do not contact me anymore." and if you get any more emails DELETE DELETE DELETE. but if you had done that, you wouldn't know all us awsome brain exploding people! She did say in her email that she'd love to keep in touch, but understands that it might be too painful right now. She was such a nice girl and so switched on, would have loved to have her as family... So yeah, I think I'll do that, basic reply, too painful right now, thanks and all that. It's comforting to know everyone goes through this hope thing, but I just want to recover ASAP, and I know I need to get over this hope! I must! I've got so much to do in life right now, and I want to be better! There's Download Festival in June, and every year we'd email one another excitedly about the bands that were playing, when we'd meet up and stuff. This year it's gonna be hard to go at all cos it was where we met up last year and I decided to make a go of it. So many good memories turned bad all of a sudden...
starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 RM that could be awsome.....but it could also end in some sort of breakup cult where we either a. go on a killing spree of all the ex's or b. end up drinking the punch because the breakup space ship is coming to take us to utter bliss.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Eh.. I don't think we could kill them... I mean look at us.. We are squabbling all over them. We would have our oozies but the second we saw them, butter. And as far as the punch. I don't know about any spaceships but maybe we could spike it with a little vodka : )
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Ok, sod all the stuff about false hopes and making/realising mistakes for a second... Just wrote what I think was a really nice email back saying stuff to the effect of thanks so much for the support, really means a lot BUT right now being in contact with you is a bit too 'close to the action' and whatever you have to say isn't going to be what I want to hear. I need time and space to get over the false hope on my own, without "feeling like I'm being smashed in the face with the brick of truth repeatedly." (quite proud of that line, actually!) I'll be in touch when I feel I can handle it, cos I think of you as a really switched on person I could get to know. (Before anyone suggests it, she's married with 2 kids! Think she's playing mother with me a bit...) Wow, I thought it would be really hard to do, and the thought of it was hard, but now I've done it, I feel an enormous sense of empowerment, relief that I won't be set back by another email out of the blue. I feel back in control of the situation. It's a nice feeling. I suggest you try it if you haven't!
starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 does this mean you're not rocking back and forth mumbling about cheese anymore? cause that is good, only so many types of cheese in the world. but yay, glad you're feeling a bit better, and seems like it was the best solution for you at the moment. yay! moments of happiness!
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 does this mean you're not rocking back and forth mumbling about cheese anymore? cause that is good, only so many types of cheese in the world. but yay, glad you're feeling a bit better, and seems like it was the best solution for you at the moment. yay! moments of happiness! The rocking has stopped, but now I've made myself hungry and continue to talk about cheese of various types. For some reason, mozzarella keeps coming up... mmmmmm.... Thanks, it was a positive moment, and the first since the first email I got from her. Realised it was at that point I started a regression. Now I feel I can move forwards again. Goes to show, as tempting as it is to be 'in the loop', it's not helpful. Really feel for the people here who can't help but see their ex's around. Makes me realise I'm lucky in that respect.
emotionalydistraugt Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Well done Riff. The emails were just digging a larger hole in your heart that was already there. You gotta get through this with your own people, friends and most importantly yourself. If her sister remained in the picture, in a sense your ex was going to be there. Wait till your mostly over it before you go and speak with her sister again not matter how nice she might be. Im lookin out for ya man because I got the same "I have a crush on another guy" bull**** from my ex too. And I regretted being at school because I felt like if I wasn't it would have changed everything, just like how you feel. Things will work out for the both of us, and everyone else on here. And when you get to that day where you feel nothing for her, let me know maybe it'll give me some hope if im not there already
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Well done Riff. The emails were just digging a larger hole in your heart that was already there. You gotta get through this with your own people, friends and most importantly yourself. If her sister remained in the picture, in a sense your ex was going to be there. Wait till your mostly over it before you go and speak with her sister again not matter how nice she might be. Im lookin out for ya man because I got the same "I have a crush on another guy" bull**** from my ex too. And I regretted being at school because I felt like if I wasn't it would have changed everything, just like how you feel. Things will work out for the both of us, and everyone else on here. And when you get to that day where you feel nothing for her, let me know maybe it'll give me some hope if im not there already Cheers man. Nice to think someone's got your back. You're right, things will work out for the both of us, and everyone else. Why else would the join date of 99.9% of actively posting people on here be within the last 6 months?! People get over it and leave! No need for this site anymore! I like and respect everyone here, but no offence intended, I can't wait till I don't need to be here anymore!
emotionalydistraugt Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I feel the same way. The sooner I'm not on this site is the sooner I've recovered from this tragedy
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