onryo13 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 well here goes, me and my ex fiance were together for 3 years, her coming from germany and me from scotland, the last year of the relationship was mainly long distance, in the last year i didnt tell her my secret plans of moving to germany, she met someone at a party, a freind, she even asked me if it was ok that she was freinds with a guy, (she didnt tell him about me i found out), i didnt even think that she would be with this man (who funnily enough i am reminded by her family is alot like me), to cut a long story short, they slept togehter one night, she phoned me the next day and broke down in tears for hours on the phone saying she was going to move out of the city she was in and take a break, at the time i foolishly said that maybe we should "have a break" for a bit. fast forward a few years, she is still with the same guy, they have moved together out of necisity possibly love, they get on pretty well. we broke contact for a year, and then reiniatied it when she had cancer, i met her in august last year, we talked and i felt amazing, i was so pissed at myself for basically getting stuck in the same situation again. now, we phone one anouther once in a while and chat in depth about a lot of things, i brung up the fact that i still had feelngs for her not long after my last visit in august with which she replied "maybe i have to let you go, as me staying in contact is selfish, you need to find some nice girl" (oh and she also advised me to leave my then current girlfreind) the opertunity has come about that i might be able to move to the city she lives in, straight forward enough, does anyone here think i should? or has she truly moved with the new guy?
BCCA Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 maybe i have to let you go, as me staying in contact is selfish, you need to find some nice girl Im sure that was a bit rough to hear, but thats actually really true. She seems to realize that shes not interested in reconciliation, and honestly...she cheated on you once and lives in another country. Do not, under any circumstance, move close to her for the sake of 'seeing if it works out'. She doesnt seem to want to work anything out, and you would be moving for no reason other than to constantly feel terrible. I promise that youll kick yourself later if you move. She moved on with the new guy. Truth be told, it doesnt sound like you two were meant to be. You dont cheat on someone you consider a life partner.
Author onryo13 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 good advice so far, she has asked me to come and visit her in march as she has holidays around the start of march, she says shed "love" to see me, should i confront her around this time so that even though she is not interested in reconcilliation i can get some closure to what has been stirred up after getting in contact again? or just leave it at that and enjoy a nice holiday over there? also, if she is gone, then why when she found out she had cancer did she turn to me? and insists on keeping contact and such? thanks for all your answers they mean the world to me
BCCA Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I wouldn't go see her at all. Unless she wants to talk to you about fixing things up (which, if she did, she would have made sure you knew) youre only helping her kill some time. Even if she doesnt want to be with you, she still gets bored and lonely just like everyone else. Ah, closure. Friend, closure comes from you. Shes never going to give you the answers you want, and youre never going to feel closure from her. YOU have to decide to close this chapter in your life, and move on. She isnt ever going to be of any help there. Any answer she gives will only create more questions. Not worth it. She turned to you because youre a familiar person that she knew she could count on for sympathy. She knows you still want her, and shes using that angle to turn you into her emotional tampon. Does she ever call just to see how you are and make sure youre ok? Doubtful. Its probably all about her, and what shes got going on. I think having breast cancer is terrible, but she really should not be bothering you with her problems anymore. Shes not going to be there for you, dont be there for her. It has nothing to do with being spiteful, but youre only tormenting yourself by going through this willingly. I think you need to dissapear and ignore her. Dont kid yourself, I think youre just being used and strung along.
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think she turned to you because she remembers your time together as a place of comfort and stability. It's natural to turn to that in a time of need. As sad as it is... It's really hard to tell where this sentiment is coming from. Is it true regret? Or are her overatures filtering through an emotional life altering situation. I think if she is still with this other guy... it's a bad idea to see her. She did move from one relationship with you... right on to the next with the other guy. She didn't even have time to properly process your loss! I am sure that the cancer scare forced her to think about a lot of things she might not have done in such a way otherwise. I'd be open with her about your feelings. I don't normally recommend spilling your heart to an ex, but your situation is different. If she wants you to travel to see her and is giving you messages that she misses you, it's important to find out the extent of it before visiting her. What if she says she sees you as a friend? How would you handle it? Find out what is going on in her head first before you travel to see her.
Author onryo13 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 to be honest, "It's really hard to tell where this sentiment is coming from" D-lish from what i know, it might be guilt from the fact of having cheated on me, but she is also the type to deny herself things that she may want based on the fact that when i visited not long after splitting, she was really behind the idea of just disapearing from everyone, she said she wished she could run away with me but alot of people (including her family as she has a good place at one of the best medical unis in germany to attend to) would be disapointed. now, she would never cheat on the other guy and would never want to hurt him even if she doesnt love him, as before she met me, she was in an unloving (and abusing) relationship. a good example of her just putting up with him is she is forever talking about me as i am about her (i speak to one of her freinds who is also a freind of mine). she says she sees me as a freind, but the emails we exchanged beforehand suggest otherwise, hence the confusion as i didnt have this a year ago. thanks D-lish and BCCA, anouther persons perpesctive really does help
Author onryo13 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Posted January 9, 2009 to be honest, your all right, shes long gone, shes been with someone else for two years now. plus reading some of the old emails she had sent me, i can defo see things retracting slowly, getting less and less caring. ah well guess its only inevitable, when i go over there in march ill confront her openly, and either get told that we cant be freinds no more or find out something that she would never act upon (which would be more depressing lol) ah well, cheers for the help
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