sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I need help so bad... If you know my story..Ive moved from Pennsylvania to Illinois in October 2007 to be with my long term boyfriend... he wanted to start the next phase in our relationship by me moving in. I brought my cat and we were a happy little family. lol (I know that sounds corny..but it is true) My boyfriend was the best...his name is Don.... He treated me like no body else ever has....he came into my life a year after my horrible breakup with my ex fiance. (My ex fiance left me in 2004) Don would to anything for me. He just wanted to make me happy. He always told me he could never hurt my heart the way my ex fiance did. We had the best times together....sooo many wonderful memories. Just this past December, he said he just isn't happy anymore and wants us to separate. Although he says he still loves me...it just wont work out anymore. This past year...I haven't been perfect with money...but I do not have that full time job I wanted so badly. I guess I didn't try hard enough. HUGE fault of mine. Back home in PA I had a great job and money... I just never really pursued another full time job out here (although I have sent out numerous resumes) but never anything. I work 2 part time jobs that are just spinning my wheels for now. He has his little faults too..but who doesnt?? If you love someone you make it work. He said he has been the past year..but he feels we need to get on with our lives. I can hardly stand it. I am SICK over this. I have no money right now..and I know I can go home to PA and my family.. but I have no job....nowhere to bring my cat... I cannot stop crying. I would do anything to make my relationship go back to the way it used to be. He is not like the same person I met before. He is all gung-ho on making this year a fresh start...and even put his myspace status to single. The myspace page I told him to make 3 years ago. When everything was perfect between us. I cannot get myself to leave him. I cannot get myself to pack. I DID build a life out here in Illinois. I have many friends and a wonderful church I attend. How do I say goodbye to EVERYTHING?? How do I get in the car and say my last goodbyes to him? He tells me we can still be friends..then I worry about him never answering his phone or emails. Not talking to the person you have shared your life with for over 3 years is extremely scary for me. This is bullsh*t..I have gone through a horrible breakup in 2004...why does it have to happen AGAIN??? WITH HIM??? I am beyond depressed. I cant eat, I cant get myself going in the morning. Things in the apartment have been kind of normal though..still eat dinner together..still kiss and hug..all that. Why cant he give me another chance at this?? Its a new year...I am trying so hard to get a good job out here. When we talked a few times..he says he will miss me for awhile...but then life goes on. But he ALSO said..he may miss me so much and come after me one day. I feel like I cant go on. I cannot say goodbye to him. I'm stuck. I just want it all back to the way it used to be. The good times. The comforting times.. he always used to comfort me.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Oh sink, I feel so bad for you. I cried reading your post. It is exactly how I feel. I can't imagine being able to see him, and hug and kiss him to know it is all going to end very soon and that he is basically just going through the motions. I wish I could do something for you. I would love to come to out there and help you pack. I would love to say let's go move somewhere warm together and start over (because that is the thing about girl friends, they never break-up with you). We would be to sad, sobby, girls in bathing suits, boo hooing by the pool. I hope we can continue to support eachother. How old are you by the way?
Author sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Awwww RMO...Thank you. I wish so too. That would rock. Lay on the beach...just watching the ocean... Oh no..flashback.....him and I always went to my beach house my family rents in New Jersey every summer...how am I ever gonna do that without him again??? It is my favorite place in the world..and I got to share it with him for 3 years. We had some of our best times together there. *sigh* I just turned 36... yeah.. my life is back to being single at this age.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 How was your dating life when you were in your 20's? Oh and I know what you mean about the flash backs. I keep thinking about this vacation we took last Feb to Vegas. We had so much fun. But I never really thought about afterwards, you know. Only maybe the first two weeks because I wanted to go back. But now I can't stop thinking about it. Why is it that when we break up with someone all these wonderful memories come pouring in, even when we are doing nothing that reminds us of them?
Author sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Well, I was with my then fiance for all those years... His name was Ed... and he was basically my first true love....my first everything really. He destroyed my heart when he left in Feb. 2004. That is why I cant fathom going through this again...with the man who rescued me..and showed me love all over again. He was sooo good to me. Sooo good. If you love someone...why cant it just work??
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 How did the very first talk of a break-up start?
Riffmeister General Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Having the same problems. Can't let go, can't imagine doing all these things without her. I think that's the word I've not used yet, you know. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I'm SCARED. Wow, felt some kind of release there... I'm scared of life without her... K, feel like crying now... Ugh, sucks, eh? Felt like I was doing so well, now I feel like I'm back to the beginning again.
Author sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 do you mean with Don? My boyfriend now? We just sat down and talked this past June...he was starting to feel unhappy at that point. I brought it up..asking when he was going to marry me..and then he told me how he felt. But we gave it more time. Then on Dec. 2nd or so...I brought it up again ...not about a ring or anything..but just about us...and he told me he felt the same...this time he was sure... He said.."the last thing I want to do is hurt you...but I dont think it will ever work" I feel like this is all my fault. From my crying jags of being homesick and away from home in PA.. to my financial situation.. If I could change it..I would. I would go back and just suck it up. Now I want to stay and just work on it. But its too late for him. New Years Eve we had a good time. But New Years day...he just flat out told me... when do you think you are leaving. I almost collapsed. I haven't brought it up again..because I am scared to. I just want to relax. This apartment turned into my home this past year. Illinois is part of my life now. But I cannot stay in the area...because I have no money for an apartment. I would have to go home...but being so far from him scares me so bad. I dont wanna be so far from him.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Such similar situations we have. My ex (I almost just called him my boyfriend again, I keep doing that. I am denial that it is final) will be moving back to VA were he is in his first year of law school. So i feel helpless because if he decides he wants to make it work, we won't be able to actually see eachother until May. I also feel like maybe this break-up is final because he told his parents and they are paying me back for the cruise we didn't go on. How can he turn around and get back with me after they pay all this money to me? Break-ups are Bull****!!!!!!!
starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 ok, you're first mistake was willingly moving to illinois, there is nothing good here!!! that's all i have for now. i'm just going to say ditto to your initial thread. i am back in the mudpit...at least my skin will be soft right?
Author sinkerswim Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 thanks for everyones responses.. again .. LS is helping me.
mm4184 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 i'm so sorry you are going through this. 3 years is about how long my ex and i were together. and he told me he wasn't happy in july but we tried to work it out for another 2 months. BIG MISTAKE. it was just me trying after awhile and it drained me.. i was stuck in a limbo.. knowing he didn't want this but he was just doing it for me.. it hurt A LOT more than how i felt when we broke up because you have the false reassurance that he's still there, especially if you still live with him. i didn't live with him but i would try to be with him everyday and i just felt like such an annoyance. as hard as it may sound, get out of it now. if he's already saying he's single, etc. just muster up everything you can, save face, and go. i should have let it end in july but dragged it on til september. sure, i felt like crap after we brokeup. i still do. but it does get somewhat better. i can get up now and i eat and sleep a bit better.. i lost a lot of weight but i gained it back. my brain's still a mess, but i think little things you have to give yourself credit for. if you can get up and do ONE thing for yourself a day, that's one more thing you're doing NOT for him.. so we're here and understand you.. good luck and just know that you'll get through it. you have the luck (not really luck but experience) of going through it before so you can use whatever skills you learned then and apply it to now. i can't do that because i've never been this serious with anyone and so it's devastating.. hope we can all support each other in this sucky time.. and one day look back and smile at how much has gotten better.. can't wait!
Ash. Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I keep trying to type something perfect, to help, but I just can`t. Your story reminds me alot of mine, down to the part about the cat. When I accepted it was over, I packed and left. I left him a note with a goodbye, but that was it. He made his choice. This is where you pack, move on, and let go. If it helps to write how you feel in a letter you can do so...I know I needed to. But let that be it. He will know where to get in touch with you. About the memories...well, I`m a Jersey girl. I was just thinking how am I ever going to walk down the boardwalk again, go to the movie theatre, do this, do that. The honest answer is I don`t know. But I know life goes on, no matter what. The boardwalk is still going to be there. I will never get to hold his hand again walking down it. But I know the time is going to come when I will want to walk it again. Take it a step at a time, because if you don`t, your feelings will devour you. Personally, I am crossing certain bridges when I get to them. For someone to say after a break "we can be friends" is a joke. You can`t go from lovers to friends like that, not if you truly loved each other. If one day you cross paths again, whether it be fate or otherwise, ok. But for now, you cannot be his friend. Let him go. If he wants you, he will find you. My ex was my life. I had no friends, family wasn`t a great support. When he broke up with me I was sure I could not say goodbye. Sooner or later, you will recognize that you just have to. I never even really got that goodbye, but I knew I had to go. You can`t make someone want to be with you. I wouldn`t be on this forum if I wasn`t in a considerable amount of pain. But I know I have to pick up the pieces. When I feel its unbearable, and sometimes I still do, my Grandmother tells me, "Dale tiempo a tiempo", which means to give time to time. It`s going to hurt for a good while. I feel for you, and though everyones stories are different, we`re all on the same boat. Good luck to you, and be strong.
D-Lish Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I remember when my ex husband and I first started falling out of love with one another. We started chatting around July about breaking up, but we were so entwined as best friends and a support system to one another, so we drew things out. We stayed together until January of the following year after struggling to find the courage to leave one another. Living in limbo like that was so incredibly unhealthy. We even leaned on one another through our own break up. We were together for about 8 years. Eventually, in January I got a call from a woman in the States where he worked for long stretches of time telling me she was pregnant with my husband's child. I immediately made the move, put the house on the market and walked out. It was the hardest, yet most liberating thing I could have done for myself. That was maybe 6 years ago now. I think about him often, but only because he was such an important part of my life for so long. The best thing, and only thing you can do for yourself is make a plan, and leave. It's only going to make you feel worse by sticking around. It will be hard initially, but trust me when I say, that's when the healing will begin. I was 32 when my marriage cracked. It hasn't been horrible to start over. Do you have family back home that could help you out? I couldn't have made it through that time without my family. I moved home for a month, started a business and bought a new place. The fresh start was frightening to face- but you'd be amazed at how strong you can be when faced with adversity. I'm really sorry this is happening in your life right now. I know it seems scary, because the notion of starting over is a scary thing. The sooner you can muster the courage to make some arrangements, the sooner you can start to heal. Seeing someone you love everyday that is asking you to leave will only prolong your pain. Hugs to you, I have been in a similar situation, and it won't be easy, but you have to start thinking in terms of "you can do this". You can. Keep posting. I wish I had known about LS back then!
Author sinkerswim Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thank you, Ash...and Delish... Ash...I love Jersey... I spend my summers on LBI every year since I was a baby. I introduced my boyfriend to it in 2006 and he loves it there...him being from Illinois he never knew how nice the Jersey shore could be. That is what kills me.. the MEMORIES. How do you keep going on..with all the wonderful memories??? Do I just not look back right now? Because that is what I keep doing and saying..."but we have so many of them..so many wonderful moments and times". It was at the beach when he told me he "never plans on leaving me..ever"... I remember asking him that on a sunny morning when I was so happy he was in my life..and I am like.."my ex would never be sitting here early in the morning enjoying life and the beach house..you are the best thing thats ever happened to me...promise you will never leave me?" and he did..and then gave me the biggest kiss and he told me how much he loved me. God I felt so secure at that moment. Like everything was going to be alright the rest of my life. See what I mean?? I cant get those kind of memories out of my head. Ash I am glad you wrote on my post.. and I know in time things will heal for you and I. I just need a lot of support right now. We are always here for you on LS as well... Oh and I never got closure from an ex 5 years ago.. that was with me 8 years..so I can relate to that one big time. *hugs* Delish... Wow..your story sounds familiar...I know it is hard for my boyfriend too...as much as he is hurting me..I know he doesn't want to. He told me again last night. I know I am prolonging this though. I just cant seem to drive 900 miles from him just yet. Although him and I talked and said he may get back with me one day if he truly misses me and loves me and wants me in his life.....but I know that he will not be around the corner to do so. I do have a wonderful family though...they are always there for me. I commend you for moving out and moving on.. how hard that must have been. How far away did you move away from him?
electriclove Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Aw, hun your post made me so sad I really want to give you some words of encouragement here but its hard to know what to write. I really think you need to move back home to be with your family. I know you have no job but staying with your ex is only going to make this situation harder. Is moving back to Pennsylvania not an option? You need to surround yourself with your friends and family, especially in the early stages of the break up. They are your support system and will be there to listen when you want to vent or cry. I wish I could give you some more advice but I really think the first step right now is just getting the hell away from him.
stray_cat Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I remember when my ex husband and I first started falling out of love with one another. We started chatting around July about breaking up, but we were so entwined as best friends and a support system to one another, so we drew things out. We stayed together until January of the following year after struggling to find the courage to leave one another. Living in limbo like that was so incredibly unhealthy. We even leaned on one another through our own break up. We were together for about 8 years. Eventually, in January I got a call from a woman in the States where he worked for long stretches of time telling me she was pregnant with my husband's child. I immediately made the move, put the house on the market and walked out. It was the hardest, yet most liberating thing I could have done for myself. That was maybe 6 years ago now. I think about him often, but only because he was such an important part of my life for so long. The best thing, and only thing you can do for yourself is make a plan, and leave. It's only going to make you feel worse by sticking around. It will be hard initially, but trust me when I say, that's when the healing will begin. I was 32 when my marriage cracked. It hasn't been horrible to start over. Do you have family back home that could help you out? I couldn't have made it through that time without my family. I moved home for a month, started a business and bought a new place. The fresh start was frightening to face- but you'd be amazed at how strong you can be when faced with adversity. I'm really sorry this is happening in your life right now. I know it seems scary, because the notion of starting over is a scary thing. The sooner you can muster the courage to make some arrangements, the sooner you can start to heal. Seeing someone you love everyday that is asking you to leave will only prolong your pain. Hugs to you, I have been in a similar situation, and it won't be easy, but you have to start thinking in terms of "you can do this". You can. Keep posting. I wish I had known about LS back then! D-lish, your story sounds similar to mine except that there was no other woman involved. i too was with my ex husband for 8 yrs and we have been separated since july 2008 after i got the i-love-you-but-no-longer-in-love-with-you speech. we too were so great together. we were happy and our marriage was just great then all of the sudden he just up and left. want to divorce. so here i am going through a divorce and will be divorced at 31. i can totally understand about being intertwined with each other and thats whats makes it so hard to detached and let go of the bond we have for them. Sinkerswin, i am so very sorry your going through this right now and i totally understand how your feeling. i have been there (and i still am) not so long time ago and i am very much still in the process of recovering. back then i remember waking up in the morning feeling so very hopeless. i couldnt believe what was happening in my life. first thing i do when i wake up is to cry. i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. in fact back then i couldnt care less if i die. i felt so dead inside and so very empty. i felt like my life was an on going nightmare. every waking hour hurts. it was the most gut wrenching pain i have ever gone through. like you i also moved to be with my husband. in fact i moved to the other side of the world! not just a few hours drive away. when i came here i had no friends, no job. all i got was him. but luckily i got myself a job that pays enough to support myself so moving out from him was not a biggest problem. but it was the fact of not being with him anymore that was killing me. i spent 8 yrs of my life with this man day in and day out and all of the sudden i am on my own. i have no family here, only a handful of friends so i didnt really have a good support system.i thought i coudn't do it and until now i dont even know how i managed, but somehow i did. now its been 6 months since we separated and we will be divorced soon. i know i still have a very long way to go before i can finally say i that i have recovered from this but i have come a long way. i do still feel very sad, empty, lonely and very insecure about many things in my life but at least now i can sleep, eat and get up in the morning without crying and that is a huge improvement considering how i was like 6 months ago. i know there is nothing i can say to ease your pain but as hard as it is, try to gather all your strenght to leave. it is not healthy for you to stay there when for him it is over and he wants out. why dont you go back to your state and live with your family for awhile while your trying to get back on your feet? what your bf probably needs right now is space. once you two are physically away from each other that will give him the time and the chance to think about your relationship. but while your still there clinging on to him, he is most likely feeling trapped and when someone is feeling trapped naturally they want to get out. allow him some time to live his life without you and give him the chance to miss you. if your currently doing the begging, pleading, crying then stop coz they don't work. i know its so very hard to say goodbye to the person who we thought will stand by us but right now the best thing you can do is to take very good care of your self. i hope you will feel better soon. hugs to you.
Author sinkerswim Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I know what you guys mean... We are still kind of lovey dovey with each other...He told me it is very hard and stressful for him..as I am a significant part of his life. But if hes not happy anymore...I guess I do have to move on. Maybe he can see once I am gone how much he does love me and want me back??
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