After 3.5 years in a relationship, she tells me she never thought it was 'true love'

[inthegarage]

my girlfriend of 3.5 years brain exploded about a month ago and killed our relationship....

 

A little back story to this is during our relationship she would occasionally have doubts about us being meant for each other and I would talk to her about it and she would calm down and just put these feelings aside and things went back to normal without really changing anything in the relationship.

 

Throughout the whole time she talked about marriage, having kids with me, our futures together, always said she loved me more than i loved her, and I was convinced she was the one for me

 

At the beginning of December she must of had a nuke of feelings in her head and told me we needed a break, shortly after we met up for lunch and she told me that i'll find better and kinda hinted that we were over, during that weekend i really realized how much I took her for granted and was being really selfish in the relationship and I conveyed all of this to her on the phone, I kind of begged for a second chance, and said we should have no contact till next year and we will start over. She tentatively agreed and said if she got those feelings again then it definitely wasn't meant to be, and quickly hedged her bet saying that we must remain friends if it didn't work out.

 

During the month apart I really realized a HUGE amount of stuff i wasn't doing to maintain the relationship and actually felt ****ing great about myself and how when we start over it's going to be amazing.

 

Then I noticed she deletes all my pics from her myspace account and I start killing myself over it, but I get over it and don't see it as much

 

I call her January 1st and acted enthusiastic on the phone, telling her i would like to take her out to dinner tomorrow night and what time I should pick her up, she then says "why don't we meet somewhere, I'm not ready for that yet", which was huge blow to me. She then says, "I don't want to disappoint you, we agreed if i got those feelings again", yet another bad sign. Yet for some reason I remained optimistic.

 

We meet were we first met for our first date and drive together to another town about 45 min away to go eat somewhere and the vibe of everything was completely off. To make a long story short on the way home she tells that she didn't think she was 'truly' in love with me. And every time she got those feelings she just pushed them aside and always thought it would get better. She claims her problem is that whenever a guy likes her and they mesh together a little she always thought it was meant to be, she did the same thing to me as she did to her ex-boyfriend. She just has no idea what she wanted, but now claims that she DOES now know, and its to find true love with someone without having those feelings haunt her...

 

I'm just completely ****ing blown away at how she could lead me on for 3.5 years? She thought at times she was in love with me but the feelings always came back to haunt her. The scary thing is I know exactly what I was doing wrong now and I won't have that second chance to actually see if it WAS in fact the problems I think, It's going to take a while to get over her.

 

One thing that is worth noting is, I would consider her a kind of sheltered girl...never has really been out on her own at all and is extremely family oriented, doesn't have too many friends....probably 2 or 3 she stays in contact with regularly. I felt like she almost actually believes when she watches movies and see's the type of unrealistic romance and fairytale garble, that she can actually attain that and find a romeo of some sorts like this.

 

Nearing the end she would nag at me about not saying she looked nice, or not listening to her, or not coming over some nights when I had a lot of school work.

 

she once told me she wanted me to watch "The Notebook" to get ideas from it

 

I mean sometimes I would come over at night, and if I didn't come right over and hug her...it would eat at her...

 

She had a spiritual thing going on as well, for instance when she was debating on what to do during our 'break', she said she asked God for a sign.....then she said she was reading a Jessica Simpson article in a magazine and her saying how it didn't work out with Nick and others because she used to date guys she wanted to 'change', and then applied this to what was happening to us.....and used this as her sign from God....

 

these feelings of hers were it was like seriously like a day to day thing with her, the day before she wanted a break we had great sex and she let out the typical line, 'i love you more' etc.

 

Then later that night she wanted me to come over and I said I was tired and already sleeping, and ****ing bam...the next day she gets feelings of doubt and whatnot

 

Some other **** she would freak on would be like...one time she got free Sixers tickets for my birthday, and the game was on the same night as the Phillies championship parade, so I said something in the nature of "holy **** we might not even get there cause of traffic", and she took this as me being completely selfish and not appreciating her gift and not really wanting to go.

 

This SAME **** happened when we went to the Beach for a weekend and I was saying how it's going to rain the one day hard as balls and maybe we should reschedule, once again she thinks I don't want to be there with her, and she starts acting like a bitch towards me only on the assumption that she thinks I don't really want to go

 

she actually used to tell me that when I propose to her to her if it isn't absolutely magical and perfect she would say no

 

some other tidbits would be:

 

I met her in speech class at college, and when I walked into the room somehow she was pondering if strangers will somehow pop into her life later down the road, and she told me that when she saw me she thought..."that could be my husband one day", and this bothered her or something till she finally told me about it, maybe she thought this was one those signs that it was meant to be

 

It was a big event for us to get past the point of when she broke up with her ex in April going on 3 years, she claimed it was similar how we took a trip with my family around the same time she did with her ex

 

She was shocked that I looked at porn and would rub ones out to other women

 

Before agreeing to our month break on the phone she was crying and saying, "but we don't even sleep at the same times, or eat at the same times!".

[durotto]

Same thing .. my gf of 4 years always complained about true love ... Really romantic love .. and she would say that her friends had that true love .. someone who woud tell them every morning how pretty they were .. bla bla ... you know all that stuff and all the times that I did do everything none of that mattered ... !!! nothing mattered and that hurt ...

 

She is not the one for you .. that is what I can see .. you need strict No Contact with her .. Move anything that reminds you of her out of your life and just maintain NC ..

 

if she is the one then she will understand how much she missed you and will come back to you ...

 

if not then she has missed out on a really wonderful guy !!

 

we are all here to help you .. talk to us ..

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think they call it Cinderella syndrome...or something similar. To be honest little girls are heavilly conditioned when it comes to relationships....I think. "Daddy's little girl, daddy's little princess, no man will ever deserve you". The fairytales are all about the waiting princess and the adventurous prince. Sounds to me your girlfriend is to an extent emotionally immature, perhaps has an inflated sense of ego, or low self-esteem or as you say, is somewhat sheltered, then she hasn't got a true sense of what reality in love is all about. I am in a way similar to your girlfriend. Before I even had my first kiss, I had ideas in my head about what love should be and they were so overinflated that I kept away from boys altogether until I met the one who I thought was MY Prince Charming, MY Romeo. But obviously the illusion of love is conquered by the reality...which is sometimes difficult to digest. The honeymoon stage can be mistaken for that movie kind of love...but as things settle down you can become a little disillusioned.

 

If this did contribute to her ending the relationship, then you need to focus on meeting someone with a more realistic concept of what love and relationships are...because living life with your head in the clouds you're in for some rude awakenings. Sadly, these kinds of daydreams about love are hard to break free from. Fantasy is better than reality as they say.

[inthegarage]

I think they call it Cinderella syndrome...or something similar. To be honest little girls are heavilly conditioned when it comes to relationships....I think. "Daddy's little girl, daddy's little princess, no man will ever deserve you". The fairytales are all about the waiting princess and the adventurous prince. Sounds to me your girlfriend is to an extent emotionally immature, perhaps has an inflated sense of ego, or low self-esteem or as you say, is somewhat sheltered, then she hasn't got a true sense of what reality in love is all about. I am in a way similar to your girlfriend. Before I even had my first kiss, I had ideas in my head about what love should be and they were so overinflated that I kept away from boys altogether until I met the one who I thought was MY Prince Charming, MY Romeo. But obviously the illusion of love is conquered by the reality...which is sometimes difficult to digest. The honeymoon stage can be mistaken for that movie kind of love...but as things settle down you can become a little disillusioned.

 

If this did contribute to her ending the relationship, then you need to focus on meeting someone with a more realistic concept of what love and relationships are...because living life with your head in the clouds you're in for some rude awakenings. Sadly, these kinds of daydreams about love are hard to break free from. Fantasy is better than reality as they say.

When we would have our "talks" I would basically try to put her in her place and tell her to stop over analyzing everything, and that this fairytale stuff only exists in movies when the whole time she was asking herself if she TRULY was in love with me. She said once that she loves me but she's not "crazy" about me, it could of been just the infatuation period wearing off. Other times it was about her not getting into nursing school yet and how she didn't like her job.

 

I realize now how unhealthy it was, and basically she just got tired of having those feelings make her feel terrible. Half of her thought I was everything she ever wanted and the other half wanted to go separate ways, ultimately the latter won out I guess

 

Another point would be how her friends were all with douchebags the entire time I was with her, so she saw how their relationships sucked and how good I was to her, it could of been another reason she hung on so long

[Nikki Sahagin]

When we would have our "talks" I would basically try to put her in her place and tell her to stop over analyzing everything, and that this fairytale stuff only exists in movies when the whole time she was asking herself if she TRULY was in love with me. She said once that she loves me but she's not "crazy" about me, it could of been just the infatuation period wearing off. Other times it was about her not getting into nursing school yet and how she didn't like her job.

 

I realize now how unhealthy it was, and basically she just got tired of having those feelings make her feel terrible. Half of her thought I was everything she ever wanted and the other half wanted to go separate ways, ultimately the latter won out I guess

 

Another point would be how her friends were all with douchebags the entire time I was with her, so she saw how their relationships sucked and how good I was to her, it could of been another reason she hung on so long

 

I would try not to take it personally (if you can!) I think you seem to have a far more mature, realistic view of what love is than she does. Hers is still naive, idealistic and a bit up in cloud cuckoo land. Slowly but surely we learn that real life is different to our fantasy. Sometimes we are willing to accept that. Often when we are young - we aren't.

[inthegarage]

I would try not to take it personally (if you can!) I think you seem to have a far more mature, realistic view of what love is than she does. Hers is still naive, idealistic and a bit up in cloud cuckoo land. Slowly but surely we learn that real life is different to our fantasy. Sometimes we are willing to accept that. Often when we are young - we aren't.

I think to sum up everything that happened, the ultimate answer to this is just a confused naive 22 year old, that doesn't have her career on track and feels out of place in life right now. She hasn't experienced a whole lot and hasn't dated an array of guys to truly know what she wants or what to expect from a relationship. I mean I scooped her up at 18, one month after she ended her other 3 year relationship. She hasn't been single her entire life, and has never done things out there on her own. It wouldn't suprise me if she came crawling back in a year or two after a reality check, or maybe she really will find a guy that will bend over backwards for her, who knows. But I wish her the best of luck

[sally4sara]

How can this be true:

 

I'm just completely ****ing blown away at how she could lead me on for 3.5 years?

 

 

If she was constantly telling you something was wrong and she was doubting that the two of you were meant to be?

Just because you are a persuasive enough person to talk her out of it many times, doesn't mean she totally lead you on. It means she lacks confidence enough in herself to make a decision and stick to it.

 

Her idea of love may be an unrealistic one. Hard to say since you admit you did neglect the relationship and take her for granted as a partner.

Maybe she's just still really young and not yet able to have a mature relationship yet. But I don't think she really led you on here. You're just mad because you couldn't talk her out of it again. You took it for granted that she'd be ready when you were.

 

Sorry dude.

[inthegarage]

so I guess there's absolutely no shot at a reconciliation if she thought it was wrong the entire time?

 

I basically admitted all of my faults to her and realized how much I took her for granted, I wrote her a pretty deep farewell email wishing that hopefully she finds that amazing guy she wants.

 

It's a shame because we had amazing trust and communication, and generally looked at the world the same way, we were best friends, had similar hobbies. It's just that fairytale type romance wasn't there.

 

I'm going to stick to NO CONTACT absolutely and move on, but I really hope she tries to get a hold of me.

 

Here was my farewell email if anyone cares to read...

 

I'd like to tell you a crazy story of how I woke up this morning feeling better than ever. You could kind of say I see the big picture now. Much like I would always tell you, life is about experiences....and I'm not sure I could of learned the things about myself and you learn the things about yourself with any other person, god works in mysterious ways! It takes two to tango in the game of love, and you shouldn't be with someone that your heart isn't 100% sure about, life and love are so precious and god only gives you a short time on this earth so you shouldn't be with someone when your gas tank is only 3/4 full running on 87 octane, it should be completely full and running on premium! I would like to wish you the best of luck in love and in life, I truly hope you find someone that just completely knocks your socks off, someone who makes your heart pound and gets you weak in the knees. One thing you will always have is the backbone of an incredible family that has stuck together through thick and thin, you should feel truly blessed that you have an all-star cast and crew to look after you and help you pave your way through life. Both of our lives are changing for the better right now and we are starting a new journey into the uncertain and unknown, the thing about uncertainty is you don't know when your time on this earth will come to an end.....so you should live every day as if it were your last! That means take too many pictures, tell the people in your life you love them too much, savor every moment of everyday, and most of all don't take anything for granted! I will always cherish the moments we had together and think of you as an angel cast down from heaven to improve every aspect of my life. Maybe one day our paths will cross again and maybe they won't, but all I can do is wish you the very best at this crazy game they call life. This isn't some trick I read on the internet or was told I should do by friends, I mean all of this from the deepest part of my heart in complete sincerity. And with that I hope your enjoy your day and have fun with your jumbo toblerone bar!

 

Best Wishes and Good Luck,

[inthegarage]

augh it's crazy how one minute i'm fine with this, the other minute i'm devastated

[techfan]

bro,

im in the exact same position as you.... it's hell. My breakup was a couple days ago so its so fresh to me i am dumbfounded. She left me saying she didnt feel that original 'spark and butterflies' anymore.... which just sucks....

 

I dont think there is anything we can do but try our best to move on. The message you wrote was nice (maybe a bit chessy, but understandable) and im sure she understands how you feel. We have to look forward only.... its tough and sucks beyond belief but its what we have to do.....

 

When i am honest with myself i feel like there is this little bit of hope waiting for her to call or try and fix things, but i know its not true.... i want it to be true. I want to have that hope. But it needs to die. Call up friends and go hang out or work out or do something. This situation for us is WAR man..... we are fighting ourselves right now and need to do the right thing, which is to MOVE ON. I am slowly coming to the realization that if she isn't willing to talk and work out this issue then she can't be the one.... love takes work, tons of it. Love isn't effortless, it's effortful. And being with someone who thinks or expects the 'fairy tale' romance and 'butterflies all the time' isn't someone who you NEED to be with for your life. Cause when times do get tough and those feelings fade/change (which they always will do in time) then you need someone by your side who will fight with you and work out the problems with you. The strength of any good relationship is tested in the hard times, not the good ones.

 

If nothing else, if you truly love her (as i love my ex) the right thing to do is let her go and give her the opportunity to find that 'perfect' someone. And if she does, then you can only be truly happy for her. Because love is putting someone else's happiness before your own. Sure its gonna kill your ego and crush your soul when she's with that other guy, but thats life and sometimes life just sucks. We gotta accept that fact.