lilcoco Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hi y'all! I need your advice on a situation that I stumbled upon last night with my BF . . . The dealio is - last night I inadvertently discovered a USB flash drive (it was in between the couch cushions). I asked BF if it was his, and he acted a little weird, but said it was his and then I asked if I could borrow it, because I wanted to save all of the photos that I've taken over the past nine months (there are a ton of them) so he can have copies. He quickly replied that it didn't have enough memory, so I tried to look at it to see how many MB it was and then I saw that it had some different markings on it . . . now I am pretty tech savvy and realized it wasn't a normal USB flash drive, and it had a slot at the opposite end. I asked him what it was, and he said he didn't know, and then he offered to bring over his new external HD to save the pics and put the USB flash drive in his bag. I let it go, but curiosity got the better of me and after a quick Google search, I discovered it was not just a USB drive, but a SIM card reader, specifically the "Cell Phone Spy". GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WTF!!!!! Well, BF goes into the shower after a long day of snowboarding, so I (being the IT geek that I am), go onto his laptop and verify that he has in fact downloaded SMS texts from a couple of my previous phones and my BlackBerry. I have NOTHING to hide, so there wasn't any "evidence" that he could hold against me, but I am PISSED that HE lied to me about this matter. My question is - should I let him know that I know? There is a part of me that doesn't want him to know, because then he will know that I am more tech savvy than he realizes - he had hidden the files on his laptop and it took a little digging to find them. My bigger issue with this discovery goes back to the fundamental dynamic of this relationship - he has had problems with my more casual attitudes towards sex and the fact that I have had more partners - but I have NEVER cheated on my SO's, in fact, due to some major infidelities in my past relationships, I could not impose the same heartbreak on my partners. My casual attitudes are for when I am single, as I don't necessarily have to have a strong emotional bond with my partner to become sexually involved with them. It has taken him some time to get over this and accept that when I am with someone, I am with only them and completely 100% devoted to that person. Yet, I discovered last week that he had a threesome and foursome when he was with his last girlfriend, whom he dated for six years. He said that was different, because he was in a committed relationship. I'm still trying to process that one, but now that I see that he clearly doesn't trust me (i.e. snooping on my cell phone) I just don't get this dude. Bottom line is - should I let him know that I know that he is snooping? I feel very violated. Where's the trust? Where's the love?
sand26 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 This unfortunately will only get worse unless you establish strong boundaries. He is violating your individual rights. You should leave him, seriously, that is psychotic, jealous behavior. good luck
LavendarGirl Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hey Lil, First off, I got to say ATTA GIRL for your own detective work in discovering his snooping!! That's great! Yes, the big huge issue here is that he doesn't trust you. And that's bad juju for a relationship. So, I would say that you should lay it all out for him, tell him that you know he's been snooping, and have a nice long discussion. You don't have anything to hide, it should be obvious to him by now. But he can't continue to snoop, it violates your privacy, and it's just not cool.
wuggle Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 One of the first bits of advice that is usually offered on this site when someone posts suspecting an affair etc is "get a keylogger", "track her mobile", "snoop...". It's interesting to see the other side of the story. If he is spying he probably suspects, rightly or wrongly. This is just going to make things worse. Tell him you know , tell him your not happy and talk about why he is doing that in the first place, don't breed more mistrust by snooping on the snooper, that is just going to get silly.
Author lilcoco Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Hey Lil, First off, I got to say ATTA GIRL for your own detective work in discovering his snooping!! That's great! Yes, the big huge issue here is that he doesn't trust you. And that's bad juju for a relationship. So, I would say that you should lay it all out for him, tell him that you know he's been snooping, and have a nice long discussion. You don't have anything to hide, it should be obvious to him by now. But he can't continue to snoop, it violates your privacy, and it's just not cool. Thanks!!! but really i can't take any credit for discovering the USB drive. I just happened to be looking for a tennis ball that my doggie dropped in the couch cushions. had she not done that, I probably would have never found out!!! it is bad juju and i'm tired of him mistrusting me when I have done nothing to cause this mistrust. I've made the decision to trust him, in spite of my emotional baggage (and boy howdy, do I have some ) and my recent discovery that he was a participant in the sex free-for-all when he was with his girlfriend and their roomies . . . hasn't he clearly demonstrated that he is willing to cross the line?? how can I not have trust issues with that. He is saying that was a different relationship and he was not nearly as emotionally invested as he is with me, and would never want to participate in that situation again . . . . don't know if i believe him or not, tho. and as for the snooping, I agree. He states that we should have complete transparency, yet i feel it is one-sided. He can look at my PC, cell phone, etc. yet I don't have access to anything of his . . . nor do I want it. good god, why does it always have to be so difficult? can't we just all get along!!!
quankanne Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 red flag – you freely offer to let him look through your stuff because you're a good, decent, trusting girlfriend; he not only won't reciprocate, now he's SPYING on you because he doesn't trust you? Something tells me that he's using his own behavior to judge you for something you didn't (or aren't about to) do. time for a reality check, dear; Wuggle called it right.
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