Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 The alternative is for me to accept/acknowledge that he has been using me all this time, I don't know if that would be accurate for him, though. (It might be, but it might not.) It could be that he is also very much dreading an 'ending', but is too blocked by his own fears, weaknesses, self-limiting beliefs and relationship-related inabilities to really do anything different than he is doing. I've come to see my ex in that light. At the time, it felt as if he "just didn't care and didn't want to" fight for me/us. But now I think that he just did not possess whatever was needed to do that. I think he wanted to, he had the desire...but he just didn't have knowledge and skills to follow through and fulfill his own desire. In terms of knowing what it is you will want, whenever he does contact you, I suspect that you will definitely know...at the exact "right" time that you will need to know. That is, your heart will communicate it to you, at the perfect moment. Hugs.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Thanks Ronni, I sure hope so.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Haven't spoken to him since Monday night. Yeterday his daughter in law im'd me to ask me to let him know they got home safely from Arizona (on Sunday) and she didn't think his son had bothered texting him. Rather than tell her what's going on (especially because I don't know) - I said sure, and sent him an email. He wrote back almost immediately "Thanks Dear, I hadn't heard anything." I'm going to assume the "dear" is to keep me hanging on. Maybe he's hoping I'll soften, who knows. The not knowing is sort of killing me. Part of me is hoping there will be some grand gesture, like maybe he'll show up unexpectedly with a rose or something. The rest of me is stuck on thinking this is a slow, painful death of the relationshp. Who knows. It's hard to know what is going through his head when he won't freaking say anthying! I am entirely in limbo. Reality is that I'm not keen on meeting anyone else, so I can wait him out as long as it takes. Even the dog misses him. He drives a very distinctive (and noisy) car. Every time a truck goes by the dog thinks it's him (ok I'll admit my dog isn't very bright) - poor thing looks so sad when she realizes it's not him.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 It's hard to know what is going through his head when he won't freaking say anthying! I am entirely in limbo. Reality is that I'm not keen on meeting anyone else, so I can wait him out as long as it takes. If getting what you say you want and need isn't important enough for you to stand your ground, then why all the drama? Why not just be happy with what you had for the last 4 years with him, which seems to be what he's capable or willing to give? Mr. Lucky
Trimmer Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 A little review: I am left with the very clear message that I'm just not that important. So it is clear what I must do next - it's over. ...he appeared to have an expectation that things would just return to normal if he ignored it. I told him no - that I was willing to discuss everything, but not until we agreed we were going to move forward, because without that agreement, I see no point to argue every put and take. He got dead silent... ...if he won't make a committment, then what is the point? Best to move on. ...In other words I have to own up to the fact, that he will not fight for this relationship - I need to recognize that it is simply not important enough to him. Guess I know it's really over. I hate it, but I know it. ...we have spent 4.5 years being apart more than together ... and it is not enough for me. Plus I need to feel he has my back ... and apparently he refuses to meet that need. So after that quick review of what I see as the high points in your own realization of where things stand, I thought it was clear in your mind where things stand between you - stagnant, he would like to ignore things and maintain the status quo, and you have finally decided that this is not good enough for you. The problem is that you have backed off that resolve: I'm going to assume the "dear" is to keep me hanging on. Maybe he's hoping I'll soften, who knows. The not knowing is sort of killing me. Doesn't past behavior indicate that he's continuing to ignore the situation? Isn't this completely consistent with his approach in the past? Really, what is there that you don't know, other than your hope that he might spontaneously do something that is TOTALLY out of character for him... That is what you are waiting for, isn't it? Part of me is hoping there will be some grand gesture, like maybe he'll show up unexpectedly with a rose or something. Again, doesn't his past behavior indicate that he won't? The rest of me is stuck on thinking this is a slow, painful death of the relationshp. It will be painful either way; it is as slow as you allow it to be. It's hard to know what is going through his head when he won't freaking say anthying! I am entirely in limbo. Reality is that I'm not keen on meeting anyone else, so I can wait him out as long as it takes. That's fine, as long as you realize that nobody else has PUT you in limbo - you have chosen slow relationship death and limbo for yourself: As of right now - I really want HIM to be the one to say it. So I have decided to continue NC, until he is willing to put this issue to bed - and then we can all move on with our lives. Earlier, I thought you had come to realize a truth about your relationship, and that you had found some resolve to "move on", as you put it. If that were truly the case, though, it wouldn't matter what he is doing, you wouldn't need for HIM to prove anything by speaking up. You would do what you need to do - for you - and yes, I do realize the irony that this phrase is used by him as an excuse, but isn't it your turn to meet your needs? However, instead of moving on, you have put yourself into limbo, and committed to a slow death by throwing up your hands and putting the ball in his court. Again, that's fine if you want it, and I don't mean to be harsh; I'm just trying to point out that you are in this current position by choice. Your future shouldn't depend on him taking some action. And especially if the result is ultimately to dissolve the relationship, waiting for him to take action to prove something to you will not help guide you into your future, it will only prolong the death and your waiting time in limbo.... Even the dog misses him. He drives a very distinctive (and noisy) car. Every time a truck goes by the dog thinks it's him (ok I'll admit my dog isn't very bright) - poor thing looks so sad when she realizes it's not him. This will sound like an unkind analogy - please trust me that it's not meant as such, even in the slightest degree - but I feel that same way thinking of you, sitting there looking so sad, not "getting it" that he's gone, and waiting for that sound that will trigger those fond memories of him and make you feel like he's coming back.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 This will sound like an unkind analogy - please trust me that it's not meant as such, even in the slightest degree - but I feel that same way thinking of you, sitting there looking so sad, not "getting it" that he's gone, and waiting for that sound that will trigger those fond memories of him and make you feel like he's coming back. I didn't take it as unkind at all - and it is accurate. You are both right of course - but I simply do not want to be the one to say it. So rather than feeling in limbo - I just need to move on. Screw what he is doing - who says there needs to be any type of declaration at all? UGH too bad it's so cold out - otherwise I'd just spend all my free time at the barn. Hmmmm maybe a museum is calling me today.
Walk Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 You are both right of course - but I simply do not want to be the one to say it. So rather than feeling in limbo - I just need to move on. Screw what he is doing - who says there needs to be any type of declaration at all? Why don't you want to say it? I know you said you want him to own up to his part in this... but at 43 you should know by now that unless someone steps up immediately, then they aren't going to admit they screwed up. So why are you still waiting? His actions are the only thing you need to listen to right now. I can't stress that enough. He IS conveying his intentions to you, but you're not listening. You've been waiting on this guy 4.5 years, and you're still waiting. If you aren't happy with your life, then the reason is because you aren't willing to step up and DO something about it. You seem to be waiting for some outside force to tell you which direction to pick. I've been there and it sucks. You don't live with him, you only see him once a week, you two aren't sharing your lives as one couple against the world. You two have been "him over there doing his thing", and "you over here doing your thing" for 4.5 years. You know it's not what you want so why are you allowing his silence to continue to make you feel bad? One big piece of advice... you can't control him. No matter what you want, if he doesn't want it then there is nothing you can do. The ONLY thing you can do is control your own life. Go out with friends, try new things, learn something new about yourself. Put your own needs first, and tell the rest of the world to deal with it. Heck, pick a horse clinic somewhere south (warm weather) and go for a week. (if you have the money, take your horse ) If you're tight on cash, then go to some of the clinics in your area and just spectate. Be selfish right now. Your needs are important and you're the only one who will make sure they're met.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 One big piece of advice... you can't control him. No matter what you want, if he doesn't want it then there is nothing you can do. The ONLY thing you can do is control your own life. Go out with friends, try new things, learn something new about yourself. Put your own needs first, and tell the rest of the world to deal with it. Heck, pick a horse clinic somewhere south (warm weather) and go for a week. (if you have the money, take your horse ) If you're tight on cash, then go to some of the clinics in your area and just spectate. Be selfish right now. Your needs are important and you're the only one who will make sure they're met. Yup that is my intent at this point. I am reconnecting with the life I had before I met him. No need to go away - it's not as if I'm going to run into him or anything. Thanks guys - I am just moving on.
Athena Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 curiousnycgirl I read through your thread and my overwhelming feeling since your first post, was that he is a con man. I don't think he is genuine with you. I don't think you are going to get what you want from him. And I certainly hope you have stopped paying his bills. Let's see how fast he goes no-contact with you when you are not useful to him. Frankly, you were doing and making all the effort in that relationship. Wean yourself off him and don't be so easy to be pulled back into a relationship with him.
Whillo Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Hi CNYG. Jumping in here kind of late, but just wanted to say... You sound very together to me. I mean, now many people actually get up at 3:30am to start their day taking care of business. Your guy sounds like an absolute loser and you could do so much better! So...there is this book that you might have heard about. "He's Just Not That Into You." They actually made a movie based on the book, but I have a feeling you wouldn't get quite the same impact. It's a short, easy to read book and one that a woman should live by when in relationships like yours. It actually HELPS your mental state when you realize that it's not really anything you did, or even something he did. It's just not the right one. It sounds like you're hurting for all sorts of reasons. I say consider yourself blessed that you are NOT committed to this guy that really doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. He probably appreciates all that you do for him and doesn't want to let that go. Who would? On another note, I was dating my H years ago for just over a year. I had a small boy at the time and was approaching 30. I loved the heck out of him, but started to feel I was wasting time if we were just going to be really good buddies forever. I sincerely told him in June that I needed some space to think about whether our good times were worth the years of my life if we really weren't going anywhere. After a couple of weeks of no contact, I went on a hike with a friend and things started getting easier. Two months later, H called and had done some thinking himself. I moved in the next month and we married the next year. It wasn't like I was in an incredible hurry to get married, but some kind of commitment was definitely nice. I understand how you're feeling.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Still no word - he just walked away. I cannot express how hurtful that is. Not even to give me the courtesy of a reply and closure. It is worse than when my fiance died, because this one has chosen to leave without telling me - david didn't want to go - he had no choice. I did find out, quite by accident, that he has blocked me on yahoo IM. I cannot believe how childish this 52 year old man is behaving. It is simply hurtful. So I realize this morning that I need to return to my old life. Sadly I've let that slip away - but my real friends are simply opening their arms and welcoming me back - no apologies needed. I've been invited to one of the "official" inaugural balls (for those of you who don't know - there are roughly 26 inaugural balls, but only 9 or 10 are considered official). I've been to 3 republican balls, never a democrat - but I don't think I can bring myself to get all dressed up for a big party so soon. I think I would almost feel like a reluctant deb. I've also been invited to a few inaugural parties right in NYC - so I'll probably do those, and see if I can make it through the night without breaking down. So this might be my final post - am hoping that I will really been moving on. Of course, gotta stop crying for that. Thank you everyone for your support and words of kindness and of course for the smacks upside the head. I needed and paid attention to them all.
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