Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 If he wants you he knows where to find you. Don't talk. Men use actions to show how they feel. Make him chase you and don't talk to him unless he shows up at your door. So true. What I've learned over years over choosing the wrong ones is this: We are so scared to let the wrong one go due to the effort/time we've put into the relationship, almost like they're a habit or addiction that we're afraid to let go of. But when a bad relationship (or in your case, one that's just draining and not fulfilling) does end, there's almost a sense of RELIEF. Ever feel that way? I mean sure, it's gonna hurt. You're going to miss him. But you're also going to be relieved because you'll be free - in a place where you CAN find someone who's really, truly right for you. And the moment that a good guy shows you that you ARE important, you'll thank him for allowing you to make this very difficult decision and move on. It's better to be wise alone than a fool for someone. That's really all it comes down to.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Nope. Not true. You just haven't met the right one. I too am a people pleaser. I like when things go well and hate confrontation. Okay sometimes I like it but only if it gets me out of the place I'm in and brings me someplace better. I don't argue just to be argumentative. Probably same as you. Anyway the guy I am with now was cheated on by his wife. He thinks I'm the kindest woman he's ever met. So...don't say that. That's not true. Not even a little bit. You are a good person. Kind, generous, compassionate and if this guy doesn't see that you are worth holding onto, trust me some man down the road will be thanking him for being so dumb to let you go. To bad I've wasted so much time on either running away from relationships, of on the wrong ones, that I am now officially OLD. S'ok I have my pets they love me, all the ask for in return are treats. So true. What I've learned over years over choosing the wrong ones is this: We are so scared to let the wrong one go due to the effort/time we've put into the relationship, almost like they're a habit or addiction that we're afraid to let go of. But when a bad relationship (or in your case, one that's just draining and not fulfilling) does end, there's almost a sense of RELIEF. Ever feel that way? I mean sure, it's gonna hurt. You're going to miss him. But you're also going to be relieved because you'll be free - in a place where you CAN find someone who's really, truly right for you. And the moment that a good guy shows you that you ARE important, you'll thank him for allowing you to make this very difficult decision and move on.QUOTE] I agree I'm afraid to walk away, partly due to the time invested, partly because I love him - truth is I am really happy when we're together. I'm not sure that doing so will be a relief - I just think it is necessary, because I don't want to start resenting him. OY. The conversation will only happen if/when he calls. I'm done lifting a finger!
Trimmer Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks Amays - I'll do my best, I'm sure he's argue, tell me he's doing what he needs to do to survive (a favorite line of his) - and we'll end up in a mini fight. Heh heh... Refuse to fight. Agree with him: he needs to do what he needs to do to to survive. If he starts explaining his "side" or justifying what he does, just accept it and agree. But that doesn't force you to stay involved in his life. You can agree with the way his life is, with what he 'needs to do', but still stand firm on your decision that it doesn't work for you. Don't get drawn into the fight. It's your decision, it's not like it's coming out of the blue. No need to fight over it.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 OY. The conversation will only happen if/when he calls. I'm done lifting a finger! Good. It sometimes has to get to that point. For all you know he may very well react positively to you leaving his life. He may love you so much that he wants to make a huge effort to keep you. And if he won't do huge he has to go. Anything short of huge is not enough. You give huge. You should get huge. That's only fair. So don't be sucked back into it by him saying what you want to hear. Be smarter than that and make him prove how much you mean. If he shows you nothing then you know it's time to move on. No matter what don't let him play on your sympathies or good heart. He can tell his sob-story to someone else. Don't let him guilt you into anything. You haven't done anything wrong except let your needs be known. And that's okay. You're allowed.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Just figured I'd update everyone, still no phone call. He did forward me a job posting today, as he knows I'm looking. Well duh the one he sent me the recruiter had already called and asked me for referrals, as it is way subordinate to me. I'm holding strong, haven't reached out to him at all. Didn't even respond to the job posts. Thanks for your support guys. Hope you don't mind my posting updates (of course you are under no obligation to read them).
Trimmer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Just figured I'd update everyone, still no phone call. He did forward me a job posting today, as he knows I'm looking. Well duh the one he sent me the recruiter had already called and asked me for referrals, as it is way subordinate to me. I'm holding strong, haven't reached out to him at all. Didn't even respond to the job posts. Thanks for your support guys. Hope you don't mind my posting updates (of course you are under no obligation to read them). Actually, I encourage it - especially after I've invested some thought in someone's issue, it's certainly not a requirement, but I see it as a nice courtesy to post updates to let the posters in your thread know how things progress... Whatever you decide, however you handle it, have strength and confidence. Good luck.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Trimmer you really are too kind. Posting updates and getting input helps me keep my resolve. Thank you so very much.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Just wanted to chit chat - I finally said I don't know what you want me to say - told him I laid it out there, and he appeared to have an expectation that things would just return to normal if he ignored it. He denied ignoring it - somehow we ended up discussing this weekend. As I predicted he started yelling at me. Trimmer I thought of you and said yes, of course you are right. He then went on to to say that clearly I want everything my way - and that was unacceptable to him. I told him no - that I was willing to discuss everything, but not until we agreed we were going to move forward, because without that agreement, I see no point to argue every put and take. He got dead silent, I finally asked if the conversation was done for the day - he asked if I had anything to say - I said no I had said how I felt so he said I guess we are done for today. I said goodnight and hung up. UGH we are doing the slow painful death aren't we? I do not question that it is heading toward death (I told him that too, at some point during the discussion) - just how long this will take. Why can't I just say it?
Ronni_W Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 BIG hugs. It's tough to say it, even when you know the coroner is standing right there..and you are totally aware of WHY the freakin' coroner is standing right there. It is just tough to say it. How long do you want it to take? I guess that is the question. How long can you bear to watch? That part of things still is within your control. I'm sorry you're going through this. Ronni
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Just wanted to chit chat - I finally said I don't know what you want me to say - told him I laid it out there, and he appeared to have an expectation that things would just return to normal if he ignored it. He denied ignoring it - somehow we ended up discussing this weekend. As I predicted he started yelling at me. Trimmer I thought of you and said yes, of course you are right. He then went on to to say that clearly I want everything my way - and that was unacceptable to him. I told him no - that I was willing to discuss everything, but not until we agreed we were going to move forward, because without that agreement, I see no point to argue every put and take. He got dead silent, I finally asked if the conversation was done for the day - he asked if I had anything to say - I said no I had said how I felt so he said I guess we are done for today. I said goodnight and hung up. UGH we are doing the slow painful death aren't we? I do not question that it is heading toward death (I told him that too, at some point during the discussion) - just how long this will take. Why can't I just say it? He said YOU want everything your way? OMG. He is the one who wants everything HIS way. Doing the least amount of work required to still keep the girl. Why did you say "you are right"? Is that honest? Do you feel he is right? Why aren't you being honest? Did he at least know you were just saying it to avoid confrontation or pacify him or whatever your reasons for saying that were if that's not really how you feel?
Trimmer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Why did you say "you are right"? Is that honest? Do you feel he is right? Why aren't you being honest? Did he at least know you were just saying it to avoid confrontation or pacify him or whatever your reasons for saying that were if that's not really how you feel? My point about telling him "he was right" wasn't just to pacify him and bury her own opinions, but was related to his making excuses about what he needs, that he is doing "what he needs to do to survive" and that kind of stuff. In that case, it's not worth trying to change his opinion and getting drawn into an argument to convince him otherwise - just accept (and agree...) that this is indeed the way he is, this is indeed what he needs. But she certainly has the power (and the obligation to herself) to say "...but it doesn't work for me..." It sounds like she did pretty well standing up for herself. CNG: do you felt like you were true to yourself - honest to your own purposes. I wouldn't be so worried about being honest "to him" out of some obligation; more that you feel like you stood up for yourself with strength, and were honest to your own intentions...
lovingalways Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'm guessing this is the guy you waited 4.5 yrs for? I'm skipping through the thread and stalking LOL... Thought we could continue our convo somewhere else because the other thread is not so appropriate. Let me read through this thread. haha... Give me some time. And yes, you're opposite of me, except I would never wait for a guy that long. LOL
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I most definitely was true to myself, and did not back down. He wants to argue the nits (possibly to get me to postpone the bigger discussion?), I refuse to do that unless there is a reason to do so - if he won't make a committment, then what is the point? Best to move on. What kills me here is I know that today I will have to call him and tell him it is over. I have only done that once before, 2 years ago - and his response was to do absolutely NOTHING. No text, no email, no phone call, nothing. When asked about that (by his son) his answer was well CNYG said it was over, so it was over. In other words I have to own up to the fact, that he will not fight for this relationship - I need to recognize that it is simply not important enough to him. The good news is that I think until this am, I was in denial. I must have truly believed he was going to step up, because I was not upset at all. I was scared, but I didn't cry. Today I went downstairs to get coffee, saw a picture of the two of us, and just started bawling. Guess I know it's really over. I hate it, but I know it.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 And yes, you're opposite of me, except I would never wait for a guy that long. LOL Makes you way smarter, and more secure, than me. Good for you! I tell my mentees all the time - "do NOT turn into me!"
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well I still don't like the idea of you saying he was right and then next thing you know he starts laying into you saying you want everything and trying to make you feel guilty about your own feelings. He doesn't sound like a nice guy that way. I'm sorry you are ending it but I truly believe it's the best thing for you. To give and give while they take sucks. It sucks everything you think everything you believe and everything you hold true of what you deserve. It is time you set the bar higher for yourself. You deserve someone who loves with the same intensity as yourself. And I know that's a lot.
lovingalways Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I most definitely was true to myself, and did not back down. He wants to argue the nits (possibly to get me to postpone the bigger discussion?), I refuse to do that unless there is a reason to do so - if he won't make a committment, then what is the point? Best to move on. What kills me here is I know that today I will have to call him and tell him it is over. I have only done that once before, 2 years ago - and his response was to do absolutely NOTHING. No text, no email, no phone call, nothing. When asked about that (by his son) his answer was well CNYG said it was over, so it was over. In other words I have to own up to the fact, that he will not fight for this relationship - I need to recognize that it is simply not important enough to him. The good news is that I think until this am, I was in denial. I must have truly believed he was going to step up, because I was not upset at all. I was scared, but I didn't cry. Today I went downstairs to get coffee, saw a picture of the two of us, and just started bawling. Guess I know it's really over. I hate it, but I know it. A relationship is a two way street. If one person gives up on it, and the other person wastes all the energy trying to make it work - it just doesn't work. I'm sorry to hear that it might be over between you two. I hope you're going to be okay. You still have time to meet someone else though. Why waste energy on something that is not worth it? Conserve energy. Save it for someone who will fight for you, be there for you and love you fully. One thing I've learned from past relationships is that you give it 4 months. If in those 4 months it just doesn't work, you move on. No hurt feelings (except if you've known the person for a really long time and then you decided to date) and you can still stay friends. No complications. That's at least how I decided to live my life. And even when the relationship doesn't work out, I put my head up, go back on that horse and say to myself "You will find that person some day". There's no point in dwelling about the past. It's behind. It's done. It's time to move on. Give yourself a week and pick yourself up. Know that you deserve better and are worthy of a normal relationship. And don't say that I'm smarter. I'm not. I still can't believe he waited that long. I thought I lost him forever. I was stupid not to go after him when my heart was telling me that he is the one. I'm lucky he waited.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Well I still don't like the idea of you saying he was right and then next thing you know he starts laying into you saying you want everything and trying to make you feel guilty about your own feelings. He doesn't sound like a nice guy that way. I'm sorry you are ending it but I truly believe it's the best thing for you. To give and give while they take sucks. It sucks everything you think everything you believe and everything you hold true of what you deserve. It is time you set the bar higher for yourself. You deserve someone who loves with the same intensity as yourself. And I know that's a lot. Thanks Amaysn that last bit made me cry. As far as his yelling, we all know it is because he is cornered and trying to put me on the defensive. That is why I feel ok about being true to myself. I would not allow him to drag me into a fight (trust me I can fight with the best of them) - because that was just avoiding the true issue. The only thing I haven't posted here, is why am I so sad at it ending. So I would like to make this clear - when I am with him, I am very happy, when we are apart - I am not. It's really that simple. But we have spent 4.5 years being apart more than together (we generally only see eachother one night and day a week) - and it is not enough for me. Plus I need to feel he has my back (I detailed this one for him, he understood) and apparently he refuses to meet that need. Once again thank you all for your support. Gotta get through the sucky parts of life to really appreciate the good parts, right?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 lovingalways - there were loads of extenuating circumstances that lead me to where I am. Firstly I gave him a 1 year time limit, however during that 1 year, he lost his job, and was trying to figure out what to do next. So I gave him more time. Secondly I'm just not good at the whole relationship thing. My "soulmate" as I consider him to be, was my fiance who died during our engagement roughly 24 years ago. Since then I've only had 2 meaningful relationships - each 10 years apart. So after investing so much time into this one (the second of the two) - I am really afraid this was my last chance. But better to know than to always be wondering - and better to be alone, than to feel taken for granted and even worse, used.
lovingalways Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 lovingalways - there were loads of extenuating circumstances that lead me to where I am. Firstly I gave him a 1 year time limit, however during that 1 year, he lost his job, and was trying to figure out what to do next. So I gave him more time. Secondly I'm just not good at the whole relationship thing. My "soulmate" as I consider him to be, was my fiance who died during our engagement roughly 24 years ago. Since then I've only had 2 meaningful relationships - each 10 years apart. So after investing so much time into this one (the second of the two) - I am really afraid this was my last chance. But better to know than to always be wondering - and better to be alone, than to feel taken for granted and even worse, used. I'm sorry to hear about your fiance. I'm sure he's watching over you, wherever he is. Yes, you are right. It's better to be alone than to be taken for granted. Know the feeling all too well - my ex. Well, hang in there! you're a strong woman and I'm sure you will get through this. And it wasn't your last chance. If people can go to university when they're 60 and get an undergrad or masters or Ph.D. then you can find love at 43.
Trimmer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 As far as his yelling, we all know it is because he is cornered and trying to put me on the defensive. That is why I feel ok about being true to myself. I would not allow him to drag me into a fight (trust me I can fight with the best of them) - because that was just avoiding the true issue. Simply refusing to fight is an amazing tool at disarming someone. Once again thank you all for your support. Gotta get through the sucky parts of life to really appreciate the good parts, right? I had a really bad night once in the middle of my separation; half of me absolutely knew I was OK, but the other half was practically delusional, feeling like the OM was going to be coming down the hall to kill me, etc. (with absolutely no real basis for concern; I was just freaking out...) Anyway, I made it through, white-knuckling the covers all night, and the next morning the daylight and sunshine and blue sky were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Objectively, it was just another sunny day, but from where I had been the night before, "just OK" seemed absolutely heavenly... The thing I think I hear in what you are saying is that even though you appreciate the positives that this relationship had, you don't use the relationship to validate yourself as a person, to define you. You sound like you will be able to stand strong - if understandably sad for a while - as a whole individual. I just think that's a good thing.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Despite my resolve, I did not call the b/f last night to end things once and for all. Of course he didn't call me either. As of right now - I really want HIM to be the one to say it. So I have decided to continue NC, until he is willing to put this issue to bed - and then we can all move on with our lives. I know this likely sounds like the chickensh*t approach, but for whatever reason I need him to take responsibility - even if it's just to take ownership of the answer to my question. Hope that makes sense.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 As of right now - I really want HIM to be the one to say it. But just as they've done for the last 4+ years, don't his actions right now speak louder than anything he could say? Not sure why you want him to say it as people can say anything, including what they think you want to hear. If he fed you a convincing line of BS, would you be willing to sit down and wait another open-ended period of months or years? In your inability to act, you're just as guilty as he is in his inability to take your relationship to a higher level. Neither of you seems able to commit to taking the steps to improving or ending things. That might be how you get stuck in limbo, waiting for something to happen... Mr. Lucky
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Very fair point Mr. Lucky, you are right, I am not willing to be the one to end it. I am however fully willing to take the next step forward - which I have said to him. The challenge I have right now is if he were to call in a week, or two, or a month - would I still be willing to move forward? Or would I think he waited too long, and it shouldn't have taken that long for him to come to that conclusion (at least that is where my thoughts are right now). When we had that last conversation Monday night, I believe his silence said it all. He doesn't love me enough to make the next step. So perhaps the waiting/NC is my way of making him miss me. Maybe I am hoping he will realize what a good thing he had. The alternative is for me to accept/acknowledge that he has been using me all this time, and I am not ready to go there yet.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 When we had that last conversation Monday night, I believe his silence said it all. He doesn't love me enough to make the next step. So perhaps the waiting/NC is my way of making him miss me. Maybe I am hoping he will realize what a good thing he had. The alternative is for me to accept/acknowledge that he has been using me all this time, and I am not ready to go there yet. The only thing I would ask you is this: Do you want a relationship or do you want a good relationship? Those are two different options, the first easily found. The second involves a number of hard decisions. Believe me, as someone who stuck around 5 years longer than I should have in a bad marriage, I understand what you're going through... Mr. Lucky
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Mr Lucky thank you. Truth is I know it will be a good relationship if he gets off the stick. However as I have told him, I am no longer willing to take the half a$$ bs of a relationship we have had up until now. I'll keep everyone posted, should be interesting - he's not even been on yahoo in a few days - which is very unusual.
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