curiousnycgirl Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Some of you may remember my issues with my B/F - I don't post about it often, basically because I did not take the advice given by folks on this site, so I didn't really feel I had the right to say anything. In a nutshell I am 43, he is early 50's - we met 4.5 years ago on an online site. On our first date, I had the opportunity to say that I didn't feel people at our ages needed long drawn out courtships - that we should probably know within a year -he agreed. 7 months into our relationship he lost his job. First he tried to find a new one, but found the market impossible for his age/experience level - so he then started looking for opportunities to start his own business. In the 4 years since I have been extremely supportive - and have paid for all of our shared expenses (vacations, meals out except my birthday, etc) as well as some other things I don't feel I need to detail here/now. In the past 2 years I have expressed concern that the relationship isn't progressing, have discussed that it is silly for us to maintain 2 houses, etc. No movement. In April of last year I said told him it was clear that he didn't want a permanent relationship with me, and therefore we should go our separate ways - and he begged me for more time. You get the drift. Finally this past Sunday I put my foot down, I said either we at least move in together, or we go our separate ways. With the current economy and universal uncertainty I need to know that either we are there for each other or we're not (plus we really don't need 2 mortgages!). I told him he has days/weeks not months to figure this out - and it needs to be fast. Since then he has not been on Yahoo, nor has he called. I am on pins and needles. On the one hand I am second guessing myself, on the other I am saying better to know. UGH not sure I'm asking a question, just venting. Will keep you posted.
Adri Ana Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 You see and understand yourself that you were the Supporting Main in this relationship, he was just following you,sorry,dear. But do not break your heart if he does not contact you . It seems like he will contact only when he needs something of you. Only you can decide what to do . As your heart says .. __________________________ Being empathic sometimes helps,sometimes not .
blind_otter Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I know your situation, NYC. I hope things work out in a way that will result in a positive end for you, whatever that may be. I do agree that, after all this time, you need to know one way or the other.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 In the 4 years since I have been extremely supportive - and have paid for all of our shared expenses (vacations, meals out except my birthday, etc) as well as some other things I don't feel I need to detail here/now. Relationships work best when they are between equals. It's easy to see how, in your situation, there is at least potential for resentment - you for giving, him for having to accept. Based on your post, it's hard to form an opinion about his financial situation. Is he a free-loader or perrennial underachiever, content to let you provide? If so, do you really want to be the financial head of your joint household? Even if he is a victim of tough circumstances, sometimes as adults we have to reset our course and go in a different career path. One reason we do this is because often there are other people - you, for instance - depending on us. What you've posted feels like square peg, round hole. Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Good point Mr. Lucky and I agree I am trying to plan for the worst, and hope for the best. I know that my b/f is not comfortable with the way things are now, and he has fought hard to maintain his independence. My point is that we as a couple would be in a better position at this point, if we were only paying one mortgage between us. Rationally he agrees, but I understand the emotional side of this is very weighty. Reality is that he is working very hard on two different businesses. I have full confidence that both will be quite successful - and look forward to the day they allow me to retire - and I have told him so repeatedly. The challenge I have at this point is that I cannot continue the status quo. At my age I need to either now this is it, or it's not. I've given it 4.5 years - and we have already become quite enmeshed in eachother's lives. It will break my heart to lose all I have gained with him (friends, his son, daughter-in-law and grandaughter, and so much more), but if he cannot give me everything I am looking for - then it's time to move on.
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 It will break my heart to lose all I have gained ... but if he cannot give me everything I am looking for - then it's time to move on. Devil's Advocate. Is it that you feel living together will bring so much more inspiration, love and many wonderful new experiences into your lives, or is it more a corporate decision to downsize due to economic uncertainty? (Is your current need being driven/fed by financial worries?) Also, where do his needs, goals, fears and desires fit into things? What are his real fears about combining two loving households into one?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Ronni - All good points - no the need is not driven purely by financials, alhtough that would be a nice benefit. As I explained to him, some of what I seek in a relationship is the support and affection on a regular basis - we live over an hour apart, so we only see each other weekends (Saturday evening through Sunday evening). He knows my family has never been there for me emotionally/spiritually (in fact quite the opposite), so while many women look for a man who will pay the bills - my need is someone to truly and really be there for me. We discussed that very specifically Sunday - and he said he understood. It can be something as stupid as knowing if I need to work in the office, he can let the dog out (I'm not even asking him to walk her, just let her out) - I cannot express how much that would mean to me. Furthermore I am exhausted. In order to squeeze everything in that I want/need to do, I get up at 3:30 am - go to the barn, groom my horse and muck his stall. Then I am at my desk (work from home) by 6:30. Generally I walk the dog at 5, head back to the barn to ride, then work til about 11 pm. Weekends I don't get to sleep in, because I still need to gety to the barn, clean the house (ok let's be honest, that often gets skipped) run errands (dry cleaning, groceries) etc. AND drive to his house (my car is significantly more fuel efficient) - frankly if we lived together, rushing to see him would not be such an issue - and we could share in the chores. As far as his needs - he claims to want the same things - but to tell the truth, I'm not 100% convinced. If not then this is good for him regardless, because if we don't want the same things, best to move on. Reality is that I never intended to sign on for a long drawn out courtship - from day one I said one year and either we're together or we move on. It is because of his needs that I kept waiting.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 As far as his needs - he claims to want the same things - but to tell the truth, I'm not 100% convinced. If not then this is good for him regardless, because if we don't want the same things, best to move on. Reality is that I never intended to sign on for a long drawn out courtship - from day one I said one year and either we're together or we move on. It is because of his needs that I kept waiting. Sometimes silence or inactivity is as strong an answer as the spoken word or written letter. After four and a half years, you are "unconvinced" and "waiting". So there's not much "if" in "If we don't want the same things" - you wanted to be settled after a year, he (for whatever reason) didn't. I think this is one of those instances where someone starts a thread already knowing what they should do. While I understand the pull to stay put, I'd hate to see you here posting your frustration 4 more years from now... Mr. Lucky
Ronni_W Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I cannot express how much that would mean to me. ... Furthermore I am exhausted. ...if we lived together...we could share in the chores. Thanks for sharing -- I honestly wasn't "judging" your needs and desires, or if you were being fair or unfair to him. From what you posted, you seem to be doing all the difficult sacrifices and "hard labour" to make things run smoothly. If not "all" then far more than makes a balanced relationship, in any case. Sounds as if his needs and desires are already being fulfilled, more than less...and without him having to make as much effort as you are. I'd be exhausted, too. And fed-up and frustrated and feeling like "WTF, Buddy???" It is tough to let go a 4.5 year relationship. But sometimes that act can feel more like having giving one's self 'early parole', can't it? That is, if you don't like the current demands and limits then, yeah, it is okay to set yourself free whenever you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready to do so. Sending hugs, and Universe's Guidance and Assistance.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Well he called last night, just to chit chat. Acted like nothing was said - so I guess he was testing the waters. Yes Mr. Lucky and Ronni - I knew what had to be done, my original post was really more of an update (for those who had read my posts of oh so long ago) as well as a vent. Ronni - I am sure I am only communicating a one sided view, and I am sure he has made some sacrifices too - it's just not apparent to me right now. I'll keep updating - I'm still hoping it works out well, but expecting the worst.
Ronni_W Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Ronni - I am sure I am only communicating a one sided view, Yup, that would be kinda natural...cos, really, who else's side do we ever have a clear enough view of, right? And yup, I'm sure he is doing his bit. Maybe the questions are more from PoV of who is feeling more physically and emotionally exhausted, depleted and discontent, more often? Maybe that would more accurately point to the one who is bearing the greater load, or at least give you intellectual "proof" of his contributions even if you cannot perceive them right now? I do hope it works out the best for all concerned, too. Best of luck.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 So given the fact that he called and said nothing, what should I do? I HATE the thought of being a nag - and was really hoping he would answer the question posed. Do I give him a week? Two? Ask him the next time he calls? What? Enquiring minds want to know - and frankly I've not done such a good job at putting my foot down here, so I would really appreciate the guidance. TIA
Ronni_W Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 So given the fact that he called and said nothing, what should I do? If you haven't done so, ask him to choose a specific day/time/location for the two of you to discuss your future. Sort of, "Would you like to do it this Thursday or next Sunday, before or after dinner, at home or in public?" In your first post you said you told him that he has "days/weeks" but, in my experience, when it's a 'difficult' convo/situation guys prefer to hear that as "years/never" . (My b/f has just confirmed that.) Honest to goodness, I don't know what goes on in their brains...though I'm sure it must be supremely important. At least, this one has me convinced that is the case with him.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Do I give him a week? Two? Ask him the next time he calls? What? So you'd be happy if he committed to you under the pressure of an ultimatum when it's plain that, based on his actions for the last 4+ years, it's not something he really wants to do ??? Again, square peg, round hole... Mr. Lucky
amaysngrace Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Break up with him. Don't answer his calls. Be out or just even take a long hot bath. You owe it to yourself. If he wants you he knows where to find you. Don't talk. Men use actions to show how they feel. Make him chase you and don't talk to him unless he shows up at your door. That's what I'd do. And if he doesn't ever show up at your door then at least you have your answer. And yes it's better to know than to be kept hanging on and wasting time and not having what you want out of life. It's better to be wise alone than a fool for someone. And another thing...trying to get someone to live with you for financial reasons isn't the best idea. People should be together because they want to be, not because they have to be. Relationships are a luxury not a necessity. And in this economy some luxuries have to be cut out. That's just a fact as my brain thinks.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Wow thanks amaysngrace - that's exactly why I asked for input, I am so emotionally tied up, I could not have come up with that answer. I'll stop answering his calls and see what happens. No need to break up with him, I've already had the discussion. As far as financial goes - I didnt' say he should live with me because of them - I said the savings would be an added benefit. In fact I want us to make a move BEFORE it becomes a financial imperative. G-d forbid he loses his house, then what? I couldn't possibly let him be homeless, but it would force a decision for the wrong reason (IMHO). Thanks for the input, I'll keep you posted.
amaysngrace Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Well good luck with being strong. I know I sound like a hard-ass but that's because that's how I am when I get really frustrated. I think if you are dishing out ultimatums you must be pretty frustrated too. And it sucks to feel that way. It's not suppose to be so one-sided. It's suppose to be give and take. So quit giving. It's his turn now.
Tizzy Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 G-d forbid he loses his house, then what? I couldn't possibly let him be homeless, Yes you can. THis is a grown man, with kids. What do you think he'd do if he had never met you? He'll find a way to take care of himself. I think you need to stop feeling the need to take care of all of this man's needs, especially since he doesn't seem to be meeting the needs you have that are most imprtant to you.
Tizzy Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Do I give him a week? Two? Ask him the next time he calls? You've been with this guy for over 4.5 yrs and he still has not given you the things you say you need in this relationship. Stop paying his bills, like yesterday, and move on with your life. Don't look back. Don't listen to anything he says to you because based on what you've said here, it sounds like he only tells you what he knows you want to hear so that you'll continue to stay with him and be his sugar momma. I know it'll be hard to leave him but you'll heal emotionally with time. Dump that dud!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Came to give an update, and saw that you responded Tizzy - sorry for not getting back to you sooner, I've been so focussed on another thread that I missed your posts. Just for clarity's sake, I do NOT pay his bills. Anyway here is the update. I did not cut him off last week - he continued to call just to chit chat and whatnot, and I allowed it. Then he told me Thursday or Friday that his partner had been too busy with his family to meet, so they were going to meet Saturday at 9 am. Well the northeast was under a heavy duty winter storm watch - the storm was supposed to hit Satruday late morning, so I commented that I guess we wouldn't see eachother this weekend (I had a committment which he knew about - so he had to come to my house) - he said he would do his best. He called when he was on his way home from the meeting, roughly 3 pm, said he was going to run home, get his stuff, hop on his rowing machine and then head up to me. I commented that we had plans with my neighbors, so he really needed to arrive early, as they are generally in bed by 8 (he lives a little over an hour away). Well he called at 5:30 (after dark) that the roads had gotten bad, and that he was not going to be able to make it. I said I was quite disappointed that he waited so long to leave his house, and to get home safely. He said well he did what he had to do. He called when he got home at 7:00 to let me know he made it safely - and I said ok and went back to my company. Haven't spoken with him since. I am left with the very clear message that I'm just not that important. So it is clear what I must do next - it's over. The question is what do I say, how do I make it happen? 4.5 years of sucking it up is a long time, I don't know how to say what needs to be said. Advise appreciated.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 The question is what do I say, how do I make it happen? 4.5 years of sucking it up is a long time, I don't know how to say what needs to be said. Tell him how you feel. Just be honest. Let him know how you don't want this for your life. You wished it'd been more but it's not. Thank him and wish him well.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks Amays - I'll do my best, I'm sure he's argue, tell me he's doing what he needs to do to survive (a favorite line of his) - and we'll end up in a mini fight. My bottom line is that he knew this was a critical time, I told him he needed to decide what he was going to do and that he had days/weeks not months. Well tonight is one week, so tomorrow starts week 2 - and what he decided was I was not important enough to even make time for, or make sure to plan to see. UGH why do I always pick the wrong ones?!
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 UGH why do I always pick the wrong ones?! I think you're too nice. And you have a hard time disappointing others. So you give and you give. A people pleaser if you will. Meanwhile you give all and get very little in return. Since you asked.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 You're right - and I'll die alone because of it. So sad.
amaysngrace Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 You're right - and I'll die alone because of it. So sad. Nope. Not true. You just haven't met the right one. I too am a people pleaser. I like when things go well and hate confrontation. Okay sometimes I like it but only if it gets me out of the place I'm in and brings me someplace better. I don't argue just to be argumentative. Probably same as you. Anyway the guy I am with now was cheated on by his wife. He thinks I'm the kindest woman he's ever met. So...don't say that. That's not true. Not even a little bit. You are a good person. Kind, generous, compassionate and if this guy doesn't see that you are worth holding onto, trust me some man down the road will be thanking him for being so dumb to let you go.
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