fiance called it off

[sosad4now]

I don't even know where to begin. A little background, I'm 26, he's 24. He was my first relationship, I was his second (though the first was a high school thing)

 

We met 3.5 years ago and dated for 2 months when he broke up with me cause his ex was still contacting him. Whatever, broke my heart but I moved on quickly and he would call every now and then to "see how I was". Finally 5 months later called and wanted to start hanging out again. We did, casually. Then I moved out of state but came back 2 months later and there he was, asking for a second chance, "for real this time". We had been together ever since then (2.5 yrs).

 

Last December he proposed to me. It was wonderful .. got me the exact ring I always told him I dreamt of, etc. We moved in together about 3 months later, and started planning a wedding for a over a year away. We bought a puppy and raised her.

 

Things are fine. Day to day living and sometimes disagreements, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then we go to his brother's wedding out of town. All I know is when we got back he started trying to pick fights with me. I called him on it and he hinted that he had "been thinking a lot but wasn't ready to talk about it". So I talk instead. Rack my brain for all the possible problems he is worried about. (Nothing major). I tell him I will try harder. Things are good for a few days but he starts the picking fights again. I finally ask him straight up what is going on with him. He doesn't want to say, he's not ready. So I leave and go to my moms. Next day he calls to have me come home and breaks up with me when I get there.

 

His explaination is that he has fallen out of love with me. The passion isn't the same anymore. He can't love me like he should love his wife. He asks for my ring back. Gets real selfish and mean (though I know he does that when he's upset). He cries and tells me he will miss me. He keeps the apartment, our dog, most of my furniture (I left it there, had nowhere to put it), etc.

 

Days go by just moving out. I finally break down and call him 1.5 weeks later. We get into a deep conversation and I say I would rather talk like this face to face. He is hesitant but allows me to come over. I go over and we are talking about things, he eventually wants me to lay on his lap while I talk and cry. He kisses me and holds me, tells me he misses me, that this "feels right". He also tells me all the bad things he has said to his friends and family about me so that they would make him feel justified about calling off the wedding. He would maybe like to get back together, but doesn't know how to "rewind" all that he's done.

 

I leave and he says we will still hang out and talk, he just needs time. Called him a couple days later and he says he thought about it and thinks we need to have No Contact because he doesn't want to get back together ... and since being with me is so comfortable for him, seeing me would make him want to get back together. His voice has no emotion while talking to me. I cry and tell him I don't even know anymore, and he responds that he doesn't know himself. He tells me to "have a good life". Haven't heard from him for a month now.

 

So not only do I have to cancel the whole wedding that is supposed to be 6 months from now, but I've lost the love of my life, my dog, my beautiful ring, my freedom (now am back at my parents), his family, my plans for the future.

 

I cannot understand how he is able to do this. We were best friends. He hardly has any friends and loves to stay home most nights. I know from driving by that he has not stayed home one night. He is out at the work bar with his coworkers (by the way, all male and the bar is pretty much all male white trash). There is definitely no one else, of that I am 100%. He said there wasn't, I was with him 24/7, and there was just absolutely no opportunity.

 

I kind of agree that we weren't ready to get married. I just finished school and have no job, and he never went to school and works a labor job that he's ashamed of. (His entire family went to college and beyond, he quit after a semester). But I don't agree that we should just let go of something so great.

 

It seems like he's acting as if I don't exist .. but how is that even possible for him when he comes home everyday to OUR apartment, feeds OUR dog, sits on the furniture I provided, sleeps in OUR bed, and the whole apartment is still decorated with a woman's touch - he has changed nothing except for moving the couch and tv to the other side of the room. The bathroom is decorated in all pink.

 

I've never been this hurt and confused in my life and I fell like I'm drowning without my best friend. He was everything to me, and I to him. Why he wants to be alone I will never know. I find it hard to believe that I really won't he from him, but as the days go by I am losing hope. I feel so easily discarded. I just put away about 500 pictures of us, our engagement pictures, notes and poems he had written me .. it was so hard. I feel like I will never get over him. I'm just dying a little more inside each day and I don't know why this is happening.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I've had similar experiences except with a woman. She either was expecting more out of her life, or felt she was looking for some White Knight, or maybe the grass being greener on the other side. She didn't realize the problems was with her and not me.

 

Stay away, go NC. Don't piecemeal him thinking "well she'll wait for me so I'll go do what I want in the meantime". No Contact at all and show him you mean business.

 

He'll respect you more and could come around realizing he's an idiot.

[sosad4now]

Yeah for sure. I'm pretty sure he thinks I will be available to him if he should ever want to come back. That's why I will not contact him, and if I never hear from him again, well then that's how it will be. He's come back to me before ... granted calling off a wedding is a much bigger decision to reverse than just any old breakup.

 

The problem is, I feel like I know him better than he knows himself, and if I really know him like I think, I think he will be back eventually. I'm not trying to give myself false hope - I am trying to move on - but I love being with someone and now I've got guys asking me out, and what am I supposed to do? Stay home every night waiting for him to come to his senses? I would hate to get into dating someone else only to have to hurt him should my ex come calling. And I also fear that people (including my parents who have had to deal with me in this heartbroken state) will say I am setting myself up for hurt should I go back with him.

 

 

Okay I need to stop talking about going back with him, because his actions of just cutting me off are telling me that he must not miss me that much. This is so unbelievably painful.

[RM0123]

I feel so bad for you and am sort of in the same situation. My boyfriend of 6 years recently broke up with me. We had 2 previous breakups but they only were for 1 month if that. So we were pretty much together the whole 6 years. He moved to a different state for law school in Aug and we had talked about me moving there a year later. I told him I would like to also get engaged then and he seemed to be ok with it. Well we talked everyday multiple times a day while he was there. We booked a cruise for his winter break. He came home thanksgiving everything was wonderful. He came home for christmas, again everything going great. And within a matter of 3 hours of talking with his parents he decided I deserve better than him. He broke the whole thing off and he also was crying and saying how hard it would be on him. Well, needless to say we are not on our cruise which is sailing with our empty cabin right now. I was so blown away by it. I know the same feeling you have about plans for the future. I feel lost. Like now what do I do?

 

I guess all we can do is talk on here and go NC. Which isn't going so well for me but that is my fault.

 

I would make one suggestion though. I read that guys are interested in you and you don't want to turn them down to wait for your guy. I would just be careful jumping into a new relationship when you have not healed from this one. Friends are fine but you will never be truly into the new relationship if you are not truly out of the last. (mentally and emotionally)

 

Hope this helps.. And post whenever you need too. I am on here a lot now a days.

[sosad4now]

I guess the hardest part (besides the fact that Ihave to rebuild my whole life now), is how do you spend every waking moment with someone for almost 4 years and then just drop them out of your life? I don't know if I will every really get over this. I keep checking the phone praying that he misses me enough to at least call.

[Zapbasket]

Hi there,

 

My heart goes out to you. I've been in your situation. We weren't engaged, but we were together 5 years; he was my best friend; he'd just moved across the country to be with me; and a few days after telling me he wanted to be with me forever he broke up with me and refused to see me or speak to me to talk about things; then after I kept asking if we please could talk he severed everything in a cold email and never looked back for a year and a half. I posted innumerable threads on LS on the subject.

 

It's hard to understand how someone could just cut you off like that. I hope your situation rights itself soon by his reaching out to you. In the meantime, let yourself grieve all you want. You're suffering a terrible hurt. Cry, reach out to friends and family.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T contact him. And don't go pining and waiting for him, either. Use this time to think about what YOU want out of YOUR life; maybe try to take a trip. You're not going to feel the same for a while...but it does get better, slowly but surely, I promise.

 

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I guess the hardest part (besides the fact that Ihave to rebuild my whole life now), is how do you spend every waking moment with someone for almost 4 years and then just drop them out of your life? I don't know if I will every really get over this. I keep checking the phone praying that he misses me enough to at least call.

I call it "freaking out". He's got issues he needs to work out.

[sinkerswim]

I also can totally relate to you...

I dont know what to say..as I am grieving as well..but we all have LS to come to and talk , talk , talk.

 

I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe. It is hard to go on..I know.

But somehow..someway...we will.

I just never thought it would be without the man I love and adore.

[EmperorR]

I know all to well how it is to lose your fiancé it sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it takes time but you can do it. Cut all contact.