Similarities in breakups

[EmperorR]

So my friend's gf dumped him. After 3 years, and it's shocking how similar our stories are, minus his didn't cheat on him.

 

Both of us did not want a relationship and got suckerd in. Both of our exes had like no friend's before, low self esteem, both were overly jealous, both changed after they went on a trip, except his didn't cheat well maybe she did and he did not know.

 

I even asked him to ask her if she emotionally detached and she told him yep she did month's ago.

Yesterday when he was telling me his story and situation how everything he did for her and she was not appreciated at all everythign was hitting home.

 

Now I'm just trying to save him from making the same mistakes I did the begging, sending flowers cards etc.

 

Blah I guess the point of this thread is that I'm saying, although all of our breakups and situations are different, the similarities can be quite shocking, it's like these type of women are following a playbook. Emotionally detaching but putting on a brillant oscar worthy performance then dropping the atomic bomb and being so cold distant and angry at you.

[steve9417]

Emotionally detaching but putting on a brillant oscar worthy performance then dropping the atomic bomb and being so cold distant and angry at you.

 

WoW - talking of similarities ....... next you'll be telling me her name is Julie !!!

 

PS - look forward to reading your friends LS entries soon

[bhweller]

I have read about this in the past, and i have experienced it. I am currently recovering from a breakup on sunday night.

 

Women ( maybe not all, but a lot of them ) will fake the relationship for some period before they officially dump you. They want to make good and sure that THEY ARE OK after the breakup. Once they decide that you are history, they could give two sh*ts if you live or die, but they are still there pretending. In my current case, she watched a romantic movie and had sex with me less than 24 hrs before the official breakup.

 

First they decide that you are not going to be long term but they will not tell you. They will evaluate their situation and plan their future in their own interests, sort of like planning to quit a job. If they ever experience any sadness, it is at this stage because their ego dreams involving you are broken. There could be any number of reasons for this change and the odds are you didn't do anything "wrong", you just didn't do exactly what her ego demanded at any given time. Maybe you didn't go kill the spider for her, or maybe some guy out macho'ed you in front of her. there is no way to tell, and once it happens its too late so don't worry about it.

 

Second, they change their whole perspective on you. Suddenly, she is no longer on your team, she is on her team against you. It is at this point that you can sense something is wrong if you are paying attention. This is the only chance you have of keeping some dignity.

 

I am recovering from a breakup right now that officially happened about 36 hours ago. I think it unofficially happened in her head about a month ago.

[EmperorR]

Tremendous post bhweller I agree 100 percent. It's also why they can hop in. New relationship so quickly because emotionally they were gone long ago, so they hVe basically done their mourning etc while physically being with you enjoying the benefits and perks.

 

Sorry about your breakup btw.

[lofi_tokyo]

In women's defense, I would just like to say I don't think their scheming is as malicious as it is being made out to be.

 

I agree that woman generally emotionally detach themselves from relationships a long time prior to the actual break up, however, I don't think they're doing so to get any "perks" of being in a relationship while they look for someone else. I think its more like... some women can see themselves falling out of love with someone, but they genuinely care about the person, and know they loved the person once, so they sincerely try to make themselves relove the person they see slipping away from their hearts, thats why there is a long layover between the initial "this isnt working" and the breakup. After trying for a long time to make themselves love the person they once loved and seeing no positive results, they then break things off. If there is another person involved, I suspect the other man is more of a catalyst in producing and end result (breakup) that would have occurred anyways.

 

I'm not saying this way of dealing with things is okay - if a woman in a relationship is doing this, then there are clearly communication issues, or maybe even trust issues - the woman has to trust the man enough to believe that if she tells him shes falling out of love but trying to make things work, he won't overreact. Problems need to be communicated to be solved. That being said, if a couple is really, truely, incompatible, then I don't know how much talking will change things. Eventually you've gotta call a spade a spade and get out of a relationship that will not work, even if it hurts you to do so.

[againstallodds]

If there is another person involved, I suspect the other man is more of a catalyst in producing and end result (breakup) that would have occurred anyways.

 

 

In most cases, breakup involve another person. Some people use this as a form of healing. They jump from one to another. It will be too painful to just go cold turkey.

[bhweller]

yes, they usually don't officially break up with you until they have somebody else. That is all a part of making things comfortable for them. I'm convinced that my recent ex was fooling around during the work week when i wasn't around. Eventually she got comfortable with that, or found a new primary sucker, and decided to dump me.

 

i'm sure there are some good hearted women in long marriages who might hang on just out of concern for the spouse. However, I am talking more about the single working women with no kids.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Also in defence of women - I think that the detatchment process is quite natural. If you are madly in love but have doubts etc, you rarely break up. If you are really brave and courageous you may do...but I think most people need to centre themselves before they are able to do that. As such, you distance yourself emotionally, because you need to think intellectually about what you want and where the relationship is going. They may try to get feelings back for you or they may be thinking for their own well-being, that their emotion and love for you is clouding their own happiness. It is easier of course to emotionally check out first, rather than break up when you still are head over heels mad about them but thinking maybe it's not right. It can be malicious, it cannot not be. I think it's a natural survivor kind of thing and perhaps a bit selfish. After all they are not communicating their needs to you. I think this emotional detatchment tends to occur when there is poor communication either between the male or the female. Let's be honest - men emotionally detatch too. Usually it is about what is being unsaid, not what is said. You are not communicating and so one pulls away and the other...usually doesn't even notice until it becomes really visible.

 

Also in relationships there are naturally periods where love waxes and wanes. Maybe even somedays you doubt you love them at all. Maybe some days they drive you mad. Sometimes you don't even like them. But love brings you back. Some people go into a wane...and don't emerge from it.

[EmperorR]

I wasn't talking about all women btw, just a certain type that I cannow spot from a mile away.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Then you learned something important from her, not to fall for her type again!

 

It makes me laugh when people say there are plenty of fish in the sea - because yeah there are loads of fish...but most of them are either sharks or guppies....

[Surfer Dude]

Same pattern here. She emotionally detached, treated me like crap during that period and acted really angry over every little thing, then went on a trip abroad and dumped me for another man she had just met there.

 

I suppose they are mad at us at the end of relationship because they already know they are leaving and:

1. they want it to be over asap, yet they are being patient and taking their time

2. they need to be mad at us to justify their leaving. They need to fabricate some or any reasons to get mad at us, so that they can alleviate their guilt.

 

Sucks doesn't it?

I really want to trust women, but I'm having a really hard time opening up. I was left really scarred by my last relationship.

[steve9417]

they need to be mad at us to justify their leaving. They need to fabricate some or any reasons to get mad at us, so that they can alleviate their guilt.

 

I agree ...... and endorse it's not just a female trait ..... in my case I she said she got angry with me because i was depriving her of another man .... i was aware that she had gone completetely gone nuts by this point and was capable of this level rubbish ....... of course it hurt like hell for a while but i know it was and always will be for the best

 

Sucks doesn't it?

I really want to trust women, but I'm having a really hard time opening up. I was left really scarred by my last relationship.

 

understand how you think like this - we tend to avoid doing things that hurt us ......

 

i'm accepting of the fact that i chose a woman who was wrong for me at the start ....... knowing what i know now i'd never have entered a relationship with her or at least would have ended it very early

 

i've learnt a lot about my ideal partner and a lot about my relationship failings - these two lessons are so important and what i focus on rather than feeling like damaged goods .......

 

we both know they're not worth us losing our ability to love again ..... for me whats important is a good attitude towards myself ........ recognising i need time to heal, acceptance that i'm hurt and very importantly choosing to see a positive outcome for myself

 

i refuse to see this any other way ...... the end of this significant relationship will be the making of me

[TG84]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t66679/

 

This is a very good list of basiic reasons why serious relationships end, and is very similar to this thread. Under this metric, I was 1 and 3