Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 No, I don't want that nor do I want to file, but I feel like it would be a ballsy act and that perhaps then he would take notice and talk to me. I'll just stay put I suppose for now.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Me again - I never responded to his e-mail and he just sent me one that said, "Just as I expected, nothing you can say." It's like he's 14.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You'll know it's a movie when he pisses on the fish Seriously, IMO, he's already disconnected. Hold....are you of a non-western culture? Something about your word cadence and his actions made me think that. If yes, there may be cultural dynamics at work that change potential advice. Yeah, he does sound 14. I'm sure my wife might say the same of me the last couple years. Sometimes I'll bet she wishes I'd stick to e-mail
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Oh no, we're Americans. He's from up north and I'm a southern gal.
soserious1 Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Me again - I never responded to his e-mail and he just sent me one that said, "Just as I expected, nothing you can say." It's like he's 14. You respond to that email with the following "We are a married couple, we are not now,nor will we be just room mates" We need to seek 3rd party counseling as a couple to hash this out and either fix the marriage or settle on terms for a divorce and without waiting weeks or months to do so. Which will it be ?
OneTwo Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 ...Hold....are you of a non-western culture? Something about your word cadence and his actions made me think that. ... I get that same vibe, but I think it might be something different. I am going to go out on a limb here: you said that the guys in the picture were gay. So you have gay friends and freely associate with them. Is it possible that your husband is gay, in the closet maybe? I'm just saying, because the reaction he is having is very feminine for a guy. Most guys don't play their cards that way. No offense intended, but it just seems that way to me. Does he have feminine tendencies? Do other people joke about him really being gay? It just seems like it.
luvstarved Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 It sounds to me that his thinking is that a liar is a liar is a liar and that there are no extenuating circumstances or gray areas or room for mistakes. Doesn't matter if you are lying about the wording of an email or where you slept last night or when you mailed that bill. A liar is just amoral through and through. Once a little lie is discovered, the big ones are sure to follow. If this is how he sees it, then he's got to get real, or else divorce is inevitable. It could well be that he is hypersensitive to this based on his parents situation, which could have affected him so deeply that he needs to punish someone for it, and guess who is handy? I would send a message back to him to this effect: "I love you and want to work things out. You offer no room for that to happen, and I do not know where to go with that. I am sorry I made a mistake...but I am human and can't do more about it beyond apologizing. It is really not appropriate for you to continually punish me for what was a very minor white lie meant to avoid unnecessary conflict. Perhaps your thinking is that lies are like cockroaches and if you see one, then there are thousands of others hidden in the walls, but rationally you must know that is not true. I am sorry that you are unable to look past this and work with me to improve our communication and mutual understanding. Trust is fragile, but it should not be THAT fragile. Unfortunately, if you have already concluded that a divorce is the only option here, I have no choice but to accept it. I have to agree that it is not a good marriage when two people are unable to handle even the smallest bump in the road. I do love you and am saddened by these circumstances and hope for the opportunity to repair them. However, I am not open to the tacit abuse of your judgments and silent treatment so in the meantime, I do have to respectfully ask that you please treat me with civility or find another place to stay."
You'reasian Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Bizarre set of circumstances....A man won't go batty over a picture of your feet showing; he will go batty over a picture of you getting banged by your ex for example. I think we're missing something from the story here? or something has been changed.
Whillo Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I think there is more here going on, than maybe even you know. I agree. I lived with a man that I would have staked my life on his NOT cheating, but he was an exceptionally good liar. He pulled the exact same thing your husband is doing. He wanted me to be the one to call the divorce. He tried the roommate thing for awhile and it was all my fault because get this...the kids were late to school twice one month. When they're lying and cheating they will grab at straws to work things out in their tiny little heads. We finally went to marriage counseling, but come to find out years later, he never stopped cheating. If I'd had boards like these to turn to and get other opinions perhaps I would have done the right thing years ago...walk away. I could have saved myself lots of heartache. It's hard to see what you don't want to see. There are many women out there that will settle for half an hour with a married man and call it true love. Any man can sneak that into their schedule and you will never be the wiser. Call his bluff and pack your bags girl.
luvstarved Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 I do agee that his reaction is a red flag, but I don't think there is enough info for us third parties to come to the conclusion that he is cheating... It IS common for cheaters to be very jealous and suspicious...it is also common for low self-esteem people to be jealous and suspicious. It is also common for people who have seen the fallout from lies and cheating to be jealous and suspicious. And, also common for people who have been personally burned in the past. Then...it could also be a mental health issue, like a chemical imbalance. I think it is important for OP to be alert to these possibilities but I would imagine that one or two would ring most true...I agree that thinking that cheating is out of the question can be naive and more signs of this should be looked for, but in cases like this, reality is something you have to hone in on, not just "decide on" in your own mind.
lonelygirl21 Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Your husband needs to grow up. Try marriage counseling maybe he needs to see a theraphyist since, it seems like he has some trust issue. good luck.
Heroic Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 If he is behaving this poorly this early in your marriage about a picture....... Run, run away and never look back.
Ramrod Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 A few months before we got married I told my spouse about a lie I had told him when we first met. He did not speak to me for almost 2 weeks. We made up and got married. Several months ago we got in another fight over what he says was another lie. I honestly don't know what he was referring to as we were drinking at the time. Again, a week or two went by without him talking to me. Just this past week he confronted me on an issue we'd fought about with the last fight and I answered him with what I said on the subject, why I thought he was so upset, not what I had told the other person it involved (again, we were drinking). I then recanted and told him what I'd said to the other person but he told me that he'd gone through my phone and that I had lied (by not telling him what I'd told the other person right away) and it was too late. No speaking again. Today I came home from work to discover a note stating that financially a divorce could not be afforded, so we were to now live in the house as roommates until financially able to afford a divorce. He left the note for me and when he returned home did not talk to me about this at all though I begged him to. Went about his business as if I was not here, though I have cried myself to the point of nauseousness. I tried talking to him but nothing. I realize I have hurt him and broken his trust, but we have only been married for a few months. I do not want to give up or walk away. When we are good, we are so very good together. Please help me. What do I do now? Stop drinking first of all, next, get alcohol and marital counseling. When the dust settles, see what the two of you want in the relationship. Marriage is about trust, which requires open, honest and direct communication. Games are for children. Your an adult, act like one.
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