sadgal6 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 A few months before we got married I told my spouse about a lie I had told him when we first met. He did not speak to me for almost 2 weeks. We made up and got married. Several months ago we got in another fight over what he says was another lie. I honestly don't know what he was referring to as we were drinking at the time. Again, a week or two went by without him talking to me. Just this past week he confronted me on an issue we'd fought about with the last fight and I answered him with what I said on the subject, why I thought he was so upset, not what I had told the other person it involved (again, we were drinking). I then recanted and told him what I'd said to the other person but he told me that he'd gone through my phone and that I had lied (by not telling him what I'd told the other person right away) and it was too late. No speaking again. Today I came home from work to discover a note stating that financially a divorce could not be afforded, so we were to now live in the house as roommates until financially able to afford a divorce. He left the note for me and when he returned home did not talk to me about this at all though I begged him to. Went about his business as if I was not here, though I have cried myself to the point of nauseousness. I tried talking to him but nothing. I realize I have hurt him and broken his trust, but we have only been married for a few months. I do not want to give up or walk away. When we are good, we are so very good together. Please help me. What do I do now?
Author sadgal6 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Um thanks, that's just the support I turned to this board for....
JackJack Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 How old are you both? Something to ask yourself....do you want to continue to be in a situation where anytime a problem arises that you are given the silent treatment? That is a form of mental abuse, do a google search on the silent treatment. As someone else suggested about the drinking...I will agree. There seems to be a little pattern there where you have described a issue going on and that drinking was involved. Never try to discuss things while you all have been drinking either, that's like adding fuel to the fire and no one is really thinking clearly. If he is so adament about just being roommates...tell him no..its either you both work out these issues and learn better communication skills or it ends now. Either you or he can move out..there is a way around anything...He is calling the shots right now and is in control...he is also in control when he gives you the silent treatment. Don't allow that, if it you have to leave to get your point across then you just do.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I am 32 and he is 36. Yes, whenever he is angry I get the silent treatment. Please don't misunderstand - it's not like we are hard core party people by any means. One instance was at a wedding and the other was NYE. Which he told me I made the worst NYE ever. I just feel like he is almost two different people - he can be so very sweet, caring and affectionate, but the fact that he can see and hear that I am crying-sobbing-wanting to talk and nothing. How can you have no feelings or be at least say something?
jwi71 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What was the lie? Did you lie about something frivolous like the price of your lipstick? Or something more serious? Like, I said I was at the office and I was really in a cheap hotel room with my ex? I am not accusing you, simply using extreme examples to illustrate a point. I cannot make sense of his behavior w/o knowing what you were/are lying about. His behavior makes no sense if its frivolous - but if the lie is more "serious"...it make might sense. So what was the lie or lies?
JackJack Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I am 32 and he is 36. Yes, whenever he is angry I get the silent treatment. Please don't misunderstand - it's not like we are hard core party people by any means. One instance was at a wedding and the other was NYE. Which he told me I made the worst NYE ever. I just feel like he is almost two different people - he can be so very sweet, caring and affectionate, but the fact that he can see and hear that I am crying-sobbing-wanting to talk and nothing. How can you have no feelings or be at least say something? Perhaps he wasn't taught proper communication skills? Did he have a poor role model growing up? Anyway reguardless, he needs to understand and realize how him acting that way affects you. Then again, he may know and simply doesn't care and lacks empathy. People can change if they want to, its all up to him wheather he wants to learn new communication skills and help save the marriage.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 The lie situation: My friend posted a photo of me on a community board. There were 6 of us in a hotel room the morning of my friends' wedding. We had just had our hair done and were sitting around in another friends room. This friend happened to be gay and two of his gay friends were there and I sat on the edge of their bed - they were at the top. You could see feet in the bottom half of the photo of the other people. I was just sitting there, nothing devious happening in the photo, just sitting there. He saw it and got really angry. I asked my friend to take it down, which he did. I told my husband that I realized it looked inappropriate and I was sorry. I found out that he had read my text messages and seen what I told my friend when I asked him to take it down, that he, my husband, wouldn't' like it. When he confronted me about this and asked what i said to my friend I told him what I had told him, about it being inappropriate (because that was the first thing that came to my mind). Then I told him what I had told my friend realizing I had mis-spoken. It was too late. He said I lied.
EnigmasMuse Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Sounds to me like your husband has some issues he needs to work out. He got mad at you for the text you sent telling your friend to take down the pic? If anything he should have been grateful that you did since it bothered him so much. He sounds immature and controlling. I agree with what someone else had said, he is holding all the cards right now with the way he treats you. As long as you keep putting up with that. he will continue to do that to you. Unless he has some kind of revelation and clearly want to save the marriage by working on himself. Which he should do that anyway.
blair08 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hard to believe your spouse wants out now all of a sudden because he felt you lied about something. If you lied about lots of things all the time then I could see it. Do you think its possible your spouse is doing something he shouldn't, and feels guilty about it, so he is projecting how he feels over onto you to make you look like the bad person in this situation? To want to end it over a lie seems to petty to me. I think there is more here going on, than maybe even you know.
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 ...he can see and hear that I am crying-sobbing-wanting to talk and nothing. How can you have no feelings or be at least say something? It's not that he has "no feelings" at those times, but that his feelings of anger and judgment, or fear of conflict, or being offended/hurt (vulnerable) are dominant within him at those times -- his "feelings focus" is to defend/protect himself, whether or not that reaction is appropriate for the actual situation he is facing. When he is not feeling vulnerable, then he can, of course, comfort you and be the caring, affectionate person with whom you most identify him. The "issue" may be a set of mental patterns that distort his perceptions and misguidedly trigger his anger, judgment, fear, vulnerable feelings, etc. Made worse by his inability to cope with those types of feelings of his in healthy, adult ("functional") ways. How to help him see any of this? The most effective is probably what Enigma suggested -- learn how to set your own boundaries and express your own feelings, needs and desires in the most positive ways that you can. (EDIT: That is, for you to do something different than just put up with it.) Which still won't necessarily influence him to get professional help for his issues...but it will help you to recognize that his crap is not your "fault or failure" -- you'll be able to build and maintain your own self-esteem, and make wise, well-informed decisions when the time comes for that. Hugs and good luck.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 That makes a lot of sense. What would you suggest I do from this point? We are, by his decision, sleeping in different rooms, living as co-habitants, not husband and wife. He won't speak to me. I sent him an e-mail pouring my heart out and nothing. What can I do to get through to him and help him cope with his feelings and/or realize that I would not judge or ridicule him for being vulnerable, I just want to make this right? How can I make my opinion matter to someone who doesn't seem to care what that is??
2sure Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 His reactions to things he perceives as slights is completely passive aggressive. And it almost seems as if he enjoys the drama. He may always look for things to become offended about - then use the silent treatment and ultimatum of divorce - with no divorce - to punish you. Re-learning communication skills, espcially during conflict would be a huge help, as would addressing his trust issues. But really, is it me, or does it seem to you that he looks for these opportunities...chooses them.
blair08 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 That makes a lot of sense. What would you suggest I do from this point? We are, by his decision, sleeping in different rooms, living as co-habitants, not husband and wife. He won't speak to me. I sent him an e-mail pouring my heart out and nothing. What can I do to get through to him and help him cope with his feelings and/or realize that I would not judge or ridicule him for being vulnerable, I just want to make this right? How can I make my opinion matter to someone who doesn't seem to care what that is?? Don't send him another email pouring out your heart. You have already told him you're sorry, he has heard you cry over the whole issue, it is now up to him to make some sort of move. As long as you're doing the "Im sorry" and "pouring your heart out", why should he? I would set yourself a time, and if during that time he chooses NOT to learn new ways to deal with things, and stop with the silent treatment crap, then the ball will be back in your court on what to do. This can be fixable, but it takes two people, not jsut you alone while he sits back and does nothing.
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What can I do to get through to him and help him cope with his feelings His not speaking at times like this, moving out of the bedroom, etc., is how he learned to dysfunctionally "deal with" (evade, deny) emotional situations that he does not have proper skills to deal with effectively. Unfortunately, you cannot "make right" what is an internal issue for him. You cannot imbue him with healthy, positive coping skills, or reframe how he perceives certain events and conditions. You cannot make him feel "safe" when his own belief system is messaging to him that he is vulnerable. He is not in a place where he can hear your fears and concerns. Look at it as his ability to process/understand your feelings and comfort you is temporarily disabled. To continue to try getting that from him is like going to a cold water tap for hot water -- you will only frustrate and disappoint yourself. How do you feel about taking a completely different stance with him? Something like: "Hon, I get that you're feeling vulnerable or pissed off or something. I am NOT going to judge you for feeling vulnerable, nor criticize you for feeling pissed off. "But. Do you get how what you're doing is NOT going to resolve anything? Oh, and by the way, you WILL get into bed with me tonight. That is just childlike acting out that I will no longer tolerate. AFTER we see the divorce lawyer we will stop sharing a bed. But until that time, we are in this together. We are two GROWN-UPS and we BOTH need to act like that even if we don't yet have all our grown-up skills." Seriously. *IF* you want to change things, you will have to be the catalyst and you will have to be very assertive (to point of forceful) about it. Because the dynamic now is that you are BOTH feeling like victims, which means there is no one "in charge" to effect any meaningful change -- and it seems to be on you to be that person who starts to captain this fast-sinking ship because your Hubby, lost soul that he is, just doesn't have the first clue how to do it. It is that the short-term is calling for you to have strength, patience and wisdom for the both of you. Ought not to be that way, but it is. Alternatively, it is the courage to say, "Hon, we are not dealing with our problems effectively. And if we don't start doing that soon then yes, divorce is our only sane option." And the strength to accept that as the truth that exists in your current reality. (Which does not have to remain the 'truth', if you both can co-create a new reality.)
JackJack Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 That dude has issues. Not talking is so middle school. He uses his silence as punishment. Adult married people can't play school games and expect to have a grown up relationship. I would check and see if you H is stepping out on you. Some passive aggressive types project their actions onto others. Mr. Messy used to accuse me of cheating if I showed any change in behavior at all, guess who was cheating? LOL Mr. Messy! Sorry. To the OP, After reading over some of the threads, I got to thinking to, there is that possibilty that he might be up to something, and is turning things around on you. It does seem odd that someone would want to end a marriage over some of the things you have said without even trying to work on things or come to some to some kind of compromise first. Something to consider. You said he wanted to live like roommates and you're not even sleeping together. So exactly why would he not only cut you off from sex, but it cuts himself off as well, unless he is possibly getting that need met elsewhere? Its just something to consider. I bet if you look a little deepr you can find a little more to all of this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I think he is using the whole thing as an excuse to hide something (or rather, someone) he is doing behind your back. I used to do the same thing. See all of this fretting and questioning you are doing over this issue? Notice how not once did you question his behavior as anything other than something you did. That is sort of the idea.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thank you all for your wonderful posts. They have been very helpful. If there is one thing I know, he is not cheating. His father did this to his mother and I know he would never do that. However, I did address the issue of speaking with clear heads (since our fight was conducted while we were under the influence) and received this in response: I don't see how that makes any difference.The content is still the same. There is nothing clear-headed about lying. I really don't know how to respond to that or if I even should. He ignores me and WILL NOT speak to me in the house. This was all done over e-mail.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 E-mail: "I want to work on our relationship and the how and why I lied to you. Join me in MC and we'll work on it together". If no positive response, serve him with divorce papers printed on real paper
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I have suggested MC before and he said "why should I have to go through something for something you did? I don't feel I should do anything above and beyond for something that is your fault."
Ronni_W Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 he said "why should I have to go through something for something you did? I don't feel I should do anything above and beyond for something that is your fault." Gal, For what it's worth, from your posts it seems that HE needs individual therapy to help him reframe his habitual 'blaming' and 'victim' mindsets, and start seeing things more realistically, and start taking responsibility for how he reacts to, and interacts with, his external world. And once he gets all of that that sorted out, he can start working on such other human qualities as understanding, empathy and forgiveness. Other than reiterating to him that he is ALSO "doing something" that is severely detrimental to your marriage, there's not much you can do in terms of helping him to greater insight and wisdom. That is, the current state of your marriage is more related to his lacks and failures, than to anything you possibly could have "done" -- his inability and unwillingness to work through whatever he has it in his head that you "did", that is your "fault". That is just his way of denying/ignoring his own emotional baggage and unhealed crap. When he says something like, "It's all your fault," you could respond to effect of, "I know you see it as all my fault BUT how you are handling things is ALSO dysfunctional. We BOTH need help because we obviously don't have the skills to work this out by ourselves." I know you said you are not ready to 'throw in the towel' just yet. But. If your partner has already done that, as evidenced by his lack of desire to make any effort to improve things and unwillingness to engage with you in any meaningful way, then... Hugs.
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 I hear what you are saying, about him not wanting to engage in any sort of conversation - but I keep thinking, why still be here in this house? What is the meaning of this? Mind games? Do you, somewhere, deep down, want to fix this? Or is it just that you can't afford divorce? But, he won't answer any of those questions even if I asked. Thanks for the support. This is a great board.
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Trying to read the mind of an uncommunicative spouse is a game leading to insanity. You'll lose and become insane. Trust me Take proactive actions for your own health. He'll get the message...
Author sadgal6 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 You are right about that. Do you think I should move out temporarily? Go stay with a friend?
carhill Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Don't move out unless you're willing to file divorce. If you are, move out. Doesn't mean it will happen but you have to be willing to put teeth into the action. Emotional honesty
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