Ccarey Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I have been emotionally involved with a man 1500 miles away and I am married. It has cooled off in the last month...He rarely texts or calls anymore. He was so into it in the beginning but after he cancelled plans to come out and see me a couple of times..it started o fizzle. We were friends for two years before the emotional affair started. We have had phone sex at least 6 times. He has started to talk relationship stuff but he takes no action to call me or pursue me. He says he doesn't chase married women. But he was calling me in the beginning and texting a couple of times a week. I have a chance to go and see him and he said that was great. And tells me to call anytime, but I don't know if i should. The funny thing is he is from my home town and my husband says i need to go to my home town and see some of my old friends so i feel better. I have to say this sucks. My OM is more unavailable than me. It feels like i am dating a married man not the other way around. I just don't know if i should go and see him when he has broken plans with me several times and I am afraid of setting myself up. Any advise? I have to say i wish we could have remained friends cause now i can't even go to my home town and see my family without obcessing if i should see him or not. I am also very angry at OM for leading me on and making me chase him. please help
Die Hard Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I have been emotionally involved with a man 1500 miles away and I am married. It has cooled off in the last month...He rarely texts or calls anymore. He was so into it in the beginning but after he cancelled plans to come out and see me a couple of times..it started o fizzle. We were friends for two years before the emotional affair started. We have had phone sex at least 6 times. He has started to talk relationship stuff but he takes no action to call me or pursue me. He says he doesn't chase married women. But he was calling me in the beginning and texting a couple of times a week. I have a chance to go and see him and he said that was great. And tells me to call anytime, but I don't know if i should. The funny thing is he is from my home town and my husband says i need to go to my home town and see some of my old friends so i feel better. I have to say this sucks. My OM is more unavailable than me. It feels like i am dating a married man not the other way around. I just don't know if i should go and see him when he has broken plans with me several times and I am afraid of setting myself up. Any advise? I have to say i wish we could have remained friends cause now i can't even go to my home town and see my family without obcessing if i should see him or not. I am also very angry at OM for leading me on and making me chase him. please helpI'm not even going to get into the fact that you obviously care little for your husband. But PLEASE, if you care about this single guy AT ALL you'll leave him ALONE. You're being totally selfish. If you're not happy being married then get divorced, but don't suck this poor guy into your misery. He already said he doesn't chase married women so quit tempting him and let him GO!
wildsoul Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 He says he doesn't chase married women. Then you need to respect his boundaries. Sounds like he's trying to do the right thing for himself. If you come after him while you're still married, but talking about relationship stuff, then it's YOU leading him on, not the other way around. If you read this board a little more, you'll see how hard it is for OW/M who've fallen in love with MM/W and are trying to avoid contact in order to heal. Let him go so he can find someone who's single. It's not fair to keep playing with him, when you're not able to play for keeps.
signedin2008 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 All I see is "me, me, me, my feelings, my wants, my OM, me, me, me, some more me, and me." What about your husband? How would you feel if you were in your husband's shoes? Can you do the right thing and tell your husband the truth about what's been happening? I be the answer is no, because "me, me, me..."
Reggie Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Tell your husband you've been cheating so he can bail out. Then, you can do whatever you want. You might also want to investigate growing up and getting a conscience.
Author Ccarey Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 you guys are jerks and very insensitive.
Author Ccarey Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 You don't know my whole situation and you sit in complete judgement of me. Not cool. I asked for some advise not hatred and ranting thrown my way.
signedin2008 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 you guys are jerks and very insensitive. And you are a cheater and very unfaithful. I can substitute the word cheater with something else that starts with a "S" or "W," but since I am not insensitive, I won't.
Author Ccarey Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 He has been pursuing me for two years knowing I was married. OK? I finally gave in....and yes, he has had affairs before. And been married three times. So give me a break
Author Ccarey Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 For the future signed in. keep your comments to yourself. FYI: this is not a very healthy, loving site, but a lot of angry people seem to post her. And hatred and anger are not helpful.
wildsoul Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 For the future signed in. keep your comments to yourself. FYI: this is not a very healthy, loving site, but a lot of angry people seem to post her. And hatred and anger are not helpful. FYI: Look into the "ignore user" feature here. Then you can see that one of the haters posted, but you can't read it (unless someone else quoted their garbage.) It makes for a better experience here.
signedin2008 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You don't know my whole situation and you sit in complete judgement of me. Not cool. I asked for some advise not hatred and ranting thrown my way. You mean the whole phone sex situation? The frequency and details?
bentnotbroken Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 How old are you? Unless you are a juvenile or mentally challenged, you knew you were married and no one can make you chase them, unless of course he has the gift of mind control. You need to own the fact that you showed little regard for your marriage or your H. If your marriage is terrible, leave. It's that simple. If it isn't, why would you emotionally abuse your H by cheating?
signedin2008 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 He has been pursuing me for two years knowing I was married. OK? I finally gave in....and yes, he has had affairs before. And been married three times. So give me a break So, let me get this straight. Since he is a known serial cheater, YOU deserve a break?
wildsoul Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 He has been pursuing me for two years knowing I was married. OK? I finally gave in....and yes, he has had affairs before. And been married three times. So give me a break We were just talking about the relevance of a cheating past in another thread. Personally, I don't think it's relevant. It sounds like he is trying to not date married women NOW. Maybe he's trying to change. Maybe he is learning from his past mistakes. I still think you need to accept and honor his boundary. What is it that you want from him anyway?
signedin2008 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 What is it that you want from him anyway? Isn't it obvious? Do we have to spell out the name of his body part and go beyond pg 13 here?
Reggie Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 you guys are jerks and very insensitive. Yeah, and we are just a bunch of big meanies, too. So, there. I can now see where I was insensitive. What I meant to say was "you go girl. A man will move mountains for the woman he loves".
Reggie Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 We were just talking about the relevance of a cheating past in another thread. Personally, I don't think it's relevant. It sounds like he is trying to not date married women NOW. Maybe he's trying to change. Maybe he is learning from his past mistakes. I still think you need to accept and honor his boundary. What is it that you want from him anyway? Wild , is exactly right. A person's past says nothing about him. I told my wife this when Ted Bundy wanted to babysit our kids. She was unenlightened and judgemental. I can't understand it.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 He has been pursuing me for two years knowing I was married. OK? I finally gave in....and yes, he has had affairs before. And been married three times. So give me a break Ok, let me get this straight, you are willing to blow up your marriage for a man that has had affairs before, and knowingly pursued you while married. For this piece of scum, you will lose everything for? Have you tried to imagine your life without your husband in it. You are willing to risk losing your marriage for this guy? This is beyond stupid. What do you expect to gain from the OM. A lasting faithful relationship? Don't be silly, he doesn't believe in monogamy no more than you do. Your are setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak, but more important, you have already broken your husbands heart, and your marriage, he just doesn't know it yet, notice I said Yet, he will find out. Let me tell you what happened. OM chased you for the thrill, he got you, and move on to more women to chase. He has lost interest. He sounds like a guy that like the chase. Well you gave him a chase, he got you, and now it is on to something else. The only thing you gained is a broken marriage. If it was already is shambles, you little affair might have just broken your marriage beyond repair. If you so unhappy, that you are willing to break the vows of forsaking all others till death do you part, then divorce him. He deserves someone who takes those vows seriously and is more mature. You deserve to be with some one you will be happy with as well, apperantly it is not your husband, or else you would not be running around behind his back. However, cheating is a choice and say alot about the kind of person you are and your morals.
LostNLonely Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 For the future signed in. keep your comments to yourself. FYI: this is not a very healthy, loving site, but a lot of angry people seem to post her. And hatred and anger are not helpful. Hatred and anger? Puhleeze, save it for the mirror! Go home and tell your Mommy & Daddy what you did and show them these posts..uh, sorry, I forgot, your a whorebag and your Mom was probably no different. Ask your husband for advice...you don't have enough hair on your arse to do that do you?
Myusername Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Ccarey You did come here for help and a lot of people are harsh but honest here though it can take a lot of beatings to get used to comments around here. It is good that you reached out to find help and advice. Sorry you feel hurt by peoples boldness and/or judgements but a lot of advice is probably dead on. I think, since you asked, that you should consider leaving this man alone and not keep being the chaser. Look into your marriage perhaps and see what you want to do with that, and if it can be worked on. If your marriage is ending or needs to, then you need to think about that and what you are doing with the other man. Chasing someone who says they dont want to be involved with a married women is a tough thing. But I understand. I never wanted or thought I would be caught up in a relationship with a MM but I did, and it was horrible painful and also brilliantly beautiful. I told him I did not want to be caught up with a MM either, and I tried really hard to stay away. I was not always successful but I tried to contain myself. If this single man is back and forth about what he wants, and your marriage is not healthy, you should probably look at who you are, what you want, what you are getting from this pursuit of this man, and what your husband would think about all this. Do you love, like , care for your husband??? good luck and i hope you get some help here mun
LavendarGirl Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Hi Carey, You're not available due to your marital status, you and your OM are many miles away from each other, and he's letting you know that he's not wanting to continue things and/or let things progress to a physical affair. Your comment that it feels like you are dating a married man and not the other way around is a bit alarming. It is as if you are saying he needs to make himself available to you, as opposed to it being a relationship that is 50/50? It's not fair to ask your OM to compromise by getting a -part- of you. If he's not willing to be your man-on-the-side, respect that. He's showing you by cancelling your get-togethers that he's not interested in continuing. He's also telling you by saying he doesn't go after married women. It doesn't matter that he pursued you first. Maybe he got emotionally tied into things, or maybe he saw the realities of the relationship and that there's no chance of a future with you. I'm not saying any of this as a judgement of your marriage and the affair. I'm saying that in any situation where one person isn't 100% able to participate in a relationship, it's not fair to expect the other person to give 100% + to make it work. Do the right thing and let him go. --LG.
frannie Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 ... my husband says i need to go to my home town and see some of my old friends so i feel better. So your husband knows you're unhappy? What's going on in your marriage that you think you need this emotional affair? Apart from that, how can you be angry with someone who has stated their boundaries (your OM)? He might have cheated in the past but he's saying he doesn't want to now. It's possible he's ready for a relationship... with a single person. If you can't give him that then he's quite right to distance himself from you. You sound like you are angry with him because he doesn't accommodate himself to your needs?
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