twinion Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 My best friend is a married woman with two children. Her husband and myself are very close friends also and I love her kids like they were my own. Her husband has several medical conditions and multiple diagnoses from different doctors put his lifespan to be to the age of 35-45. Lately, my best friend and I have become more physically close. We haven't done anything beyond some spooning, hand holding, and kissing. I'm not sure how or when the feelings for her changed but they did. She feels the same way about me though she said while her husband, my friend, is alive she'll stay by his side. She asked me what we would do about our relationship and I had offered to leave but she didn't want that and neither do I. She said there would be no guarantees for me in terms of her leaving her husband. So I proposed the alternative of waiting until he succumbs to his medical problems. Both of us agreed to this option as I can always find someone else and move on. The problem is, I don't want to have a relationship with anybody else. Dating other women hasn't been much of a problem but taking things beyond that has been difficult. Whenever I picture who I want to be with, I can't see anybody else but her. The guilt of it all is hurting me. The gist of this whole situation is that I will be waiting at least 10 and maybe 20 years or longer watching her husband (and close friend, don't forget) slowly die so that I can be with her. Since the future is unknown, I could still end up alone as he could get better and live a long life or she could meet somebody else and end up with them or she could decide she wants to be alone. So, short of walking out of her life, I don't know what else to do other than wait. That means I could be waiting until I'm in my mid 40's. And no, I can't be just friends with her...after the feelings developed, there's no turning back for me. Other than ending my friendship with my best friend and not see her or her kids, what other options do I have? I'm sorry for the rambling, I just needed to let it out to help with the guilt I feel.
dannydrifter Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Maybe one day if the both of you are together, and you are on your death bed, she will secretly hold hands and kiss with another guy who is waiting in the sidelines until you are dead and buried so that he can make his move. I know you were probably hoping to hear something more constructive, but what can I say in the face of utter idiocy. What's wrong with your brain?
Author twinion Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I know you were probably hoping to hear something more constructive, but what can I say in the face of utter idiocy. What's wrong with your brain? Oh, I know I'm being stupid. Too stupid to walk away.
Die Hard Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Oh, I know I'm being stupid. Too stupid to walk away.No, not stupid. It's very, very sick. Geez, sitting around waiting for someone to die. A friend too. What a great life you must have. I'm not worried though. Karma will take care of you.
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Is there any possibility whatsoever that you might actually be able to speak with your best friend and confess to him that you are developping feelings for his wife, but you love him so much, you don't know what he thinks....? You see, my take on it is that Desire is a natural feeling for anyone to have, but she's at a very vulnerable place right now, and is leaning on you extra hard for all the comforts she needs, as a woman watching her husband die, feeling helpless and having emotions for you. She must be feeling very torn up.... But her marriage - and promises - were a choice she made. Now, notwithstanding her husband's condition, she owes him honesty. I think anyone in a relationship, who falls for someone else and cheats, has really got it @$$ over head..... But - would she have fallen in love with you had he been in best of health....?
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 This is more common than you think. There are plenty of situations where carers have fallen in love with close supportive friends whilst nursing a terminally ill spouse. It happens.
wildsoul Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Yikes. You're a young man and it's non-sense to put your life on hold. Rather than "wait" you've got to change your mindset into something like "this isn't meant to be right now, and maybe not ever." IF you're both still single in the distant future, then maybe it's an option then. It's just not an option now. Personally, I don't think you can be friends with her now that you've been intimate and have these feelings. Also, not to be harsh, but you've already betrayed him and should probably disappear from his life too. If you and her don't continue to deepen the A, you can look back and say it was wrong, but be proud that you nipped it in the bud. Conversely, if you spend more time around her, it's just going to get a lot messier.
Reggie Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Calling yourself this guy's friend is absurd. Your having an affair with his wife. Who raised you? God, I hope to never have a "friend" such as you.
Myusername Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Twinion Hi It is good that you came here for support or advice or to vent. You may get blasted up and down and attacked but just see if you can learn from what people are saying. I learned so much here in a relatively short time. I for one, commend you on wanting to do the right thing. We should not sit here and judge as most of us here have fallen for someone who is taken and we are in a tough spot, by choice. Yes it sucks that you have fallen for this person and that he is dying, which is deeply sad. All I can say is that I think you need to try and live your life while also keeping her in your mind I guess. I realize you love her but you are young and have a long life ahead of you. Someone else suggested or asked if you could talk to her husband, its bold but honest. I think it is a real good question. I think waiting witout dating is potentially a tough move. You may end up going out there and meet someone great..but i see your heart is torn God bless and good luck MUN
JustBreathe Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Here's a true story: My neighbor had an affair with a man who's wife was terminally ill. She and her MM dated in secret for years until one day the man's wife did in fact die. He dumped my neighbor about a year later even though he always said that they would be together when his wife passed away. Seems that once the wife had died, he decided he wanted to date and be single again. Guess my neighbor was cramping his style! She never got over it. Too bad, so sad, neighbor. All those wasted years... tsk tsk...
herenow Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Well, you did say it is "quite possibly the stupidest decision of your life", so you already know how wrong it is. There is no need to tell you that the situation is really messed up because you already know that. So, I believe you already know the right thing to do. So just do it!
LostNLonely Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 "and close friend, don't forget" Oh...we haven't forgotten, you certainly sound as though you, oh, and another thing...YOUR NOT HIS BEST FRIEND!!! Your not even his ONLY friend, your pondscum. She's trash, but at least she's somewhat loyal, your a leech and you should move on pal!
herenow Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 "and close friend, don't forget" Oh...we haven't forgotten, you certainly sound as though you, oh, and another thing...YOUR NOT HIS BEST FRIEND!!! Your not even his ONLY friend, your pondscum. She's trash, but at least she's somewhat loyal, your a leech and you should move on pal! He is "best friends" with the wife. Not that it makes it any better. And, she isn't all that loyal when she is having conversations about being with someone when the H is dead. Morbid at best.
Die Hard Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Putting aside the fact that you're getting involved with your friends wife...while he's fighting for his life!!!! Don't you think this man deserves a "best friend" who actually hopes he lives??? I cannot imagine anyone could sit there and pretend to be his friend and pretend to hope he gets better. I'll tell you this though, if this man finds out and his health declines it's on you. If he dies because he didn't have the support system he believes he has in you and his wife, it's on you. You better remember that.
herenow Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Putting aside the fact that you're getting involved with your friends wife...while he's fighting for his life!!!! Don't you think this man deserves a "best friend" who actually hopes he lives??? I cannot imagine anyone could sit there and pretend to be his friend and pretend to hope he gets better. I'll tell you this though, if this man finds out and his health declines it's on you. If he dies because he didn't have the support system he believes he has in you and his wife, it's on you. You better remember that. They want the H to die as quickly as possible so that they can be together. The sooner the better! I feel so bad for the H. He is sick and has no idea that his wife and "close friend" are making plans that are based on his death. There are no words to describe how sick that really is.
Die Hard Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 They want the H to die as quickly as possible so that they can be together. The sooner the better! I feel so bad for the H. He is sick and has no idea that his wife and "close friend" are making plans that are based on his death. There are no words to describe how sick that really is.I'm genuinely concerned for the husband here. Can you imagine the husband having trouble breathing and this "friend" being the only one there? Can you, OP, be trusted to help him??? Do you trust yourself to help him????
wav Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 This is more common than you think. There are plenty of situations where carers have fallen in love with close supportive friends whilst nursing a terminally ill spouse. It happens. Equally common are situations where someone falls in love with a carer who has a sick spouse, perhaps for the reason that the very scene of him/her taking care of a sick spouse makes him/her desirable as a caring spouse. I knew someone who many years (could be twenty) ago fell in love with a MM who had a very sick/handicapped wife. Many of us were aware of it, but even though it looked like mutual attractions (this MM probably fits Geishawhelk's words as a carer), we laughed behind at her futile pursuit, as the wife's condition was such that instead of dying of the condition, she would more likely survive a long time but totally depend on her H for the rest of their life. It was not a terminal illness. It was clear the MM had no choice but to stay with her. Their religious background could also have played a role. I don't know when they stopped contact, but apparently for a long time now: one day the woman, eyes wide open, told us (both were around in the early years) that she had run into the MM and his wife shopping in a store, the MM much older and weaker, and the wife had a full head of white hair - "I could have mistaken them for any old couple!" It's not hard to imagine what must have gone through her mind: what if I had waited for all these years!?!? She's still alive, and he's still married! He looks so different now! I think she was foolish in the beginning, but became smart later on. It is unwise to bet your life, youth, future on something that is totally unpredictable and uncontrollable. Who says it can't happen that the MM in the above story dies before the wife does? It is a very passive and negative way to lead one's life by wishing someone's health deteriorate and die sooner than later. Everyone strives to live as long as he/she can. Believe or not, as time goes by, you may well end up hating the innocent spouse who, by being sick and suffer, can't "grant" you your wish to leave the world as soon as convenient to you. Of course you may well end up with marrying the woman you love with "God's blessing", but if you place all your hope on that slim possibility, you risk too much. On the other hand, twenty years from now, you may be glad that you have found something better.
Trimmer Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I think that your (male) friend's eventual future death should have no bearing on your behavior in this situation. At this time, your (female) friend is married to a live man. That should mean something to her and to you. If you choose to continue on with the relationship, your participation in the affair is not mitigated nor justified by his possible death at some point in the next 20 years.
Reggie Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I think that your (male) friend's eventual future death should have no bearing on your behavior in this situation. At this time, your (female) friend is married to a live man. That should mean something to her and to you. If you choose to continue on with the relationship, your participation in the affair is not mitigated nor justified by his possible death at some point in the next 20 years. Nice. Succinct and true.
ferraridave Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 No, not stupid. It's very, very sick. Geez, sitting around waiting for someone to die. A friend too. What a great life you must have. I'm not worried though. Karma will take care of you. :mad:wow, u dont have to be a jerk. the guy cant help it, he has feelings, and he cant just make them go away. its natural in life to fight for the things u want, it may not be a just fight, but still. who are u to judge? u cant speak untill uve been in the same situation and know how it feels.
Author twinion Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 No, not stupid. It's very, very sick. Geez, sitting around waiting for someone to die. A friend too. What a great life you must have. I'm not worried though. Karma will take care of you. I hate myself so much over this that part of me is hoping I die in a plane crash on the flight home. Or better yet just end up alone and pass away with no one to mourn me. It's the least I deserve. Oh yeah, if you're a guy, don't have a female best friend.
Die Hard Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I hate myself so much over this that part of me is hoping I die in a plane crash on the flight home. Or better yet just end up alone and pass away with no one to mourn me. It's the least I deserve. Oh yeah, if you're a guy, don't have a female best friend.Well part of this feeling is coming from having to wait for this woman. Guilt I'm sure too but.. Do you have any support system outside these two people? Sounds to me like you need someone to confide in. All I really know to tell you is this: You haven't gone that far yet. You can still get out of this without it impacting the rest of your life. I know you can't see it but you can get over this woman if you get away from her. Every fiber in your being says NOT to get away from her but it's what you have to do. When it's all said and done, and you look back, you'll thank god you came to your senses. I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if you truly cannot get away from this woman yourself then you need to tell the husband what's been going on. Like I said, you haven't gone that far yet. If you tell him now, at least he's as healthy as he's going to be if he ever finds out. Plus, telling him will either end it, or she'll leave with you. Either way, it needs to happen now so you don't truly become a horrible person. Couple years from now you'll be over it and proud of yourself for being strong, and the last thing you'll have to worry about is being a horrible person. Just stop man. Your ass is on the line here. You still have time.
Author twinion Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Well part of this feeling is coming from having to wait for this woman. Guilt I'm sure too but.. Do you have any support system outside these two people? Sounds to me like you need someone to confide in. All I really know to tell you is this: You haven't gone that far yet. You can still get out of this without it impacting the rest of your life. I know you can't see it but you can get over this woman if you get away from her. Every fiber in your being says NOT to get away from her but it's what you have to do. When it's all said and done, and you look back, you'll thank god you came to your senses. I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if you truly cannot get away from this woman yourself then you need to tell the husband what's been going on. Like I said, you haven't gone that far yet. If you tell him now, at least he's as healthy as he's going to be if he ever finds out. Plus, telling him will either end it, or she'll leave with you. Either way, it needs to happen now so you don't truly become a horrible person. Couple years from now you'll be over it and proud of yourself for being strong, and the last thing you'll have to worry about is being a horrible person. Just stop man. Your ass is on the line here. You still have time. Thank you. I have another week before my visit ends and I fly 3000 miles away. I have no friends I could confide to outside of them so I am pretty much isolated without either one of them. I know the right choice is to walk away, move on, and live a happy life. I wish doing the right thing is easy. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to look at myself in the mirror again and not see a horrible person.
frannie Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Other than ending my friendship with my best friend and not see her or her kids, what other options do I have? I don't think you should even consider 'waiting'... especially not waiting til your friend dies. That's just horrible and beyond words, really. I think you need to ask yourself what you're doing cheating on him with his W anyway. Because I think it IS different if you know the person and are actually friends with them, it's a double betrayal for him if he finds out, and its especially nasty that you've talked about his death like this. I know you KNOW it, but I don't think you're feeling it somehow..? I don't know that you can cross back over that boundary now it's overstepped. Perhaps with time away from her/him. Perhaps you can go 'back' to being friends again, but you have this tremendous feeling for wanting to be with her and only her, and I think you really have to get away from that somehow. Time away is the first thing, even though it hurts it will perhaps help you get more perspective and look at what you're doing? Secondly I would say that getting some other friends would be a very very good plan. You need to find people not necessarily to confide in about this, but people you can be close to. Talk to and be with, and be yourself with. Because that's what she gives you at the moment. If you can start opening out to other people, you'll find you need her less, and that has to be healthier. Sorry for all the people involved in this situation
Die Hard Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Thank you. I have another week before my visit ends and I fly 3000 miles away. I have no friends I could confide to outside of them so I am pretty much isolated without either one of them. I know the right choice is to walk away, move on, and live a happy life. I wish doing the right thing is easy. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to look at myself in the mirror again and not see a horrible person.Well it's my opinion that at least you see what you're doing . There are many many people out there in the world doing much worse without even thinking about the consequences. Not all is lost. It just seems that way. Here's a way of trying to explain: You know what it's like to get kicked in the balls. I'm not talking about a side-swipe, I'm talking full on tagged in the nuts. The ONLY thing that makes the pain bearable is KNOWING it will go away. See, you have a frame of reference. The pain of leaving her will be similar. BUT IT GOES AWAY. Not as quick as getting kicked in the nads, but is does go away. The pain is bad, but bearable. I cried everyday for the first 42 days I was away from the mw I was seeing. I'd have never believed the pain would end, but if finally did. Use this time being away from them to try and get your head sorted out. It's obvious from your posts that you'll never make it 10-20 years waiting for this woman. It will eat you up and spit you back out a broken man my friend.
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