mortensorchid Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Lately I have been looking at myself and thinking it is time to settle down with someone. I've been out and about looking, even doing the on line thing. And I've met a few people here and there. The problem? I'm thinking that the problem is me. I tend to attract good people (at least, based on the initial meeting they seem to be), but they are rather all-American and some, I'm sorry to say, are nerds. Not good nerds, but real Star Trek like nerds. The Star Trek people I am not bothered about, they simply are not a match with me and should go find happiness with someone else more like minded. I usually tell them this. The problem seems to be with me. Please let me elaborate ... I have had a very exciting life if I do say so myself. I have a variety of quirky, artsy / musician friends and we live in drama, because we like it that way. I've had many adventures, traveling all across America and overseas. I've meet many people, and for the most part I'm quite happy. However, I guess when I tell others that I've had these adventures and met these wonderful people, I think it intimidates others. Either they are jealous or feel that they can't live up to my supposed high expectations out of what "fun" entails. I'm not in a constant state of partying at all times. I can be an average, normal person who has just as much fun sitting at home and watching movies on a Saturday night. Somehow this never seems to transfer over, I think. What can or can't be done about this?
IrishCarBomb Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 However, I guess when I tell others that I've had these adventures and met these wonderful people, I think it intimidates others. I'm 90% sure that is not the reason, the remaining 10% not included because I really don't know you. It's not the reason because that's not a reason people avoid others. It's like when my friend tells me how guys always break up with her because she's too smart. However, every time she says this I just have to respond with "guys don't break up with you because you're too smart, they break up with you because you're a b!t*h". I doubt they break up with you because of your awesome life experiences. Which brings me to my prediction: I have a variety of quirky, artsy / musician friends and we live in drama, because we like it that way. If you are dating Star-Trek-nerdy guys, and enjoy living in drama, I'm betting the nerds get out because you're either too much drama, or because you are high-maintenance.
edinsvet Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I have had a very exciting life if I do say so myself. I have a variety of quirky, artsy / musician friends and we live in drama, because we like it that way. I've had many adventures, traveling all across America and overseas. I've meet many people, and for the most part I'm quite happy. However, I guess when I tell others that I've had these adventures and met these wonderful people, I think it intimidates others. Either they are jealous or feel that they can't live up to my supposed high expectations out of what "fun" entails. I have similar issues. You need to leg into a conversation about stuff like that. Like give a feeler. A simple question. Like for example "Do you like Art?" If they say "Uh no I just watch football and drink beer with my friends" It probably is not a good idea to share more about that topic. And like this you won't be in a situation where you feel weird about who you are.
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 The problem? I'm thinking that the problem is me. I tend to attract good people (at least, based on the initial meeting they seem to be), but they are rather all-American and some, I'm sorry to say, are nerds. Not good nerds, but real Star Trek like nerds. The Star Trek people I am not bothered about, they simply are not a match with me and should go find happiness with someone else more like minded. I usually tell them this. The problem seems to be with me. Please let me elaborate Nothing wrong with Nerd friends! They're some of the best kind but your friends sound alot like my own. I have had a very exciting life if I do say so myself. I have a variety of quirky, artsy / musician friends and we live in drama, because we like it that way. I've had many adventures, traveling all across America and overseas. I've meet many people, and for the most part I'm quite happy. However, I guess when I tell others that I've had these adventures and met these wonderful people, I think it intimidates others. Either they are jealous or feel that they can't live up to my supposed high expectations out of what "fun" entails. I'm not in a constant state of partying at all times. I can be an average, normal person who has just as much fun sitting at home and watching movies on a Saturday night. Somehow this never seems to transfer over, I think. What can or can't be done about this? I understand where you're coming from. When it comes to having fun, you're just going to have to find those friends who would enjoy the same things you do - and not get to bent out of shape about those who may not be as comfortable. So how are you too edgy?
movingonandon Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 haha, in my opiniont anybody who can refer (with a straight face) to themselves as being 'too edgy' is a judgemental, pretentious azzhole . however, you are not beyond hope if you're self-aware to recognize it
Adamagnet Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I doubt they break up with you because of your awesome life experiences. Which brings me to my prediction: Agreed. I've encountered the type that can be condescending to others about their life experiences without even realizing it. If you are dating Star-Trek-nerdy guys, and enjoy living in drama, I'm betting the nerds get out because you're either too much drama, or because you are high-maintenance. I don't know... It sounds like she's the one who tires of them eventually. Nerds are more likely to put up with intolerable behavior if they haven't been laid in years prior, right?
torranceshipman Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I bet there's lots of lovely things about your personality, but there could also be a few reasons for your not meeting guys successfully: 1. What are these adventures exactly? They might not actually be as cool as you think, and if you tell them to people like they are the coolest edgiest thing ever, and they're not, the story might fall flat ad they'll think..this girl is a nerd! A random edgy story might be being thrown out of the hottest bar in Vegas for making out on the bar with the hottest male model in the place...thats cute and slightly edgy (but too many making out stories is kinda weird). Or cage diving off the coast of South Africa where a great white actually started trying to eat the cage and you had to swim up and escape...a guy told me that story once...those are cool stories - not too insane but a bit edgy...what ISNT edgy is a 'look at me i've been sooo crazy we jumped in the fountain and everyone was lookin at us but we didnt care cos we were so trashed'-ok that story would be retarded. It might help if you tell us what your stories are like? 2. Arty can come across as pretentious 3. Crayzee stories without any other stories that are substantial in other ways, or lack of evidence of a well rounded life (e.g. cool job AND fun lifestyle outside of work - not just one) can be a big turn off 4. The arty look - floaty skirts, pot smoking (lol sorry I sound like my grandma but you know what I mean) isnt everyones thing 5. You say you like drama - most people over the age of about 23 who are not cast members of The Hills think that major drama is very, very tragic, which it is. Its retarded and boring and grates on people (unless its actually in The Hills which I admit to not being able to switch off, haha!-I can't help myself, its car crash tv!) 6. Could be you're hanging out in the wrong places What kind of guy are you looking for? It might well be one of these things written above. However don't feel you have to ever change who you are - its just thinking through the way you might be coming across to others and possibly adapting some of that. Of course there might just be an endemic lack of hot guys in your town - that, quite possibly, could be your problem :D
Stockalone Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 So you date men who are either on the more traditional/conventional side (All-American) or maybe even slightly socially challenged (some of the nerds). But your friends are artists and musicians that love drama. I can see how that can cause compatibility issues. Wouldn't be a guy from a similar artsy background like that of your friends be a better match for you? And what kind of man are you looking for? However, I guess when I tell others that I've had these adventures and met these wonderful people, I think it intimidates others. Either they are jealous or feel that they can't live up to my supposed high expectations out of what "fun" entails. I'm not in a constant state of partying at all times. I can be an average, normal person who has just as much fun sitting at home and watching movies on a Saturday night. Somehow this never seems to transfer over, I think. Maybe the difficulty is that you have a broad and maybe rather unique spectrum of interests. That might make it harder to find a guy who shares enough of your interests in order for him to be a good match. I don't think people are intimidated by your adventures or friends, but there is the possibility that they don't share your enthusiasm about the things you like. I don't really have much of an interest in art or music. Thus, I don't think I would fit in with a bunch of artsy people that value/love the drama in their lives, because I can't appreciate the same things they do. What can or can't be done about this? Determine what kind of man you want, what interests a bf absolutely must share and where it is enough to at least not dislike the things you like. Maybe try to figure out why you end up dating mostly all-americans and nerds. It just seems a bit odd. With a diverse spectrum of interests, an evenly diverse spectrum of guys who ask you out would seem more likely. Especially with the nerds. After all, they are not famous for having a lot of guts and asking out women they perceive as intimidating.
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I was returning some items at the mall the other day. In the window of the Hot Topic (pretty sure it was HT) store was one of those purposefully ironic t-shirts. The letters were printed to look like they were made of running tears and stated: "Alas! I am too edgy!" OP, you must go get this shirt and wear it for literal and not ironic purposes.
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 OP, you must go get this shirt and wear it for literal and not ironic purposes. You're a nerd....
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You're a nerd.... shhhh, I'm still in the closet about it!
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 shhhh, I'm still in the closet about it! Welcome fellow nerd.
AlektraClementine Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Is that Russel Wong from the Vanishing Son back in the 90s? If so, I've just let my nerd out of the bag. Hell, even if it isn't. My advice to the OP. Go out with "edgy" people if you find that the "all americans" aren't digging you. Incidentally, adventurous doesn't necessarily mean edgy. To me, edgy is someone who pushes the envelope in a number of different ways. Provocative thought usually tops my list under the definition.
Jilly Bean Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I...live in drama That's your problem. No decent guy is interested in a drama girl. Also, if could be that talking about your self-perceived "edgy" stories probably comes off like bragging and elitist, and most likely, isn't impressing or intimidating anyone, but turning them off and making you seem insecure... Everyone has a story or two, but we don't all need to relay them.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 My definition of edgy is quirky rather than dangerous. I don't boast about my sex-capades, using drugs/drinking. I usually talk about the places I've traveled and why, as many have been quite unusual stories that brought me to those places. I literally had one guy tell me once "I don't think I'm exciting enough for you", and he and I never spoke again. So that's why I think it's a crazy thing. I've also had others meet my friends and say that they don't like being around them. One even told me that he hated my friends and I was not allowed to hang around with them. I cut him off immediately. I'm sure all of this is part of the learning process, to be sure, but I try to go out and play the field as much as possible to "find him" and not sit at home doing nothing and wishing. I also go for artsy types as well, but many of them tend to be so irresponsible and self absorbed that it doesn't last either. I guess I am just frustrated.
refurb Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Why would you consider who you are a "problem"? It just sounds like you need to meet someone with similar interests/personality. It's no different than someone who is a homebody who thinks "I think I'm too subdued, everyone else is too into drama." The only issue you might have is that a good percentage of people are pretty "average". Since you're an outlier, it'll probably take a little more effort to find the right person. RF
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