starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 well except asian i think.... ok so i've been NC, and thinking more than i should. i've written about 20 letters that i haven't sent. but i've really been thinking. when we broke up, i just kind of took it. didn't say much, just kind of sat in shock for a day. he texted me later and said he wanted to keep the door open for the future if i did. now thats been hanging me up. my ex once removed (if someone has a better term tell me lol, i just don't like the sound of 2 ex's ago...i don't know im crazy), did something similar, and i hung onto that for almost a year. i don't want to do that again. if he comes back he does, if he doesn't...well thats more likely. i've just been thinking, if i never talk to him again, are there things that i never got to say...and the answer is yes. i try to live without regret as much as possible, and i think if i don't get to ever say these things i would regret that more than maybe a few weeks of pain from doing it. i say i've written 20 letters, its more one letter thats been revised 19 times. it doesn't have any of the "omg i want you back please come back, i'll make you hamburgers every night." just some of the things that i feel like i have to get out (none of it mean or accusitory, just some pieces of me). i haven't sent it yet, and i'm going to hold off until after the move (which is hopefully still happening...stupid money gets in the way....i want to go to jail where college is free...oops a.d.d mind is wandering) and maybe i'll change my mind by then. i'm not looking for any response from him, i'm looking at this like, this will be the last time i ever communicate with him. now i know a lot of you are going to yell, but well im hard headed. what im wondering is do i sound completely insane? i mean normally in a breakup you get to say your piece, but i didn't do that. do i sound logical? tom don't yell at me too bad, i'll cry.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 i haven't sent it yet, and i'm going to hold off until after the move (which is hopefully still happening...stupid money gets in the way....i want to go to jail where college is free...oops a.d.d mind is wandering) and maybe i'll change my mind by then. i'm not looking for any response from him, i'm looking at this like, this will be the last time i ever communicate with him. No One is going to yell at you! This forum is all about acquiring some perspective for yourself by browsing the opinions and experience of others. No one else is in your shoes besides you- so no one on earth has a better perspective. Closure is a good thing to have. If you think this is what needs to happen in order for you to move on- then by all means, go forward with the letter. I've never sent a closure letter WITHOUT hoping for a response. I've told myself otherwise... But the bottom line is that when you send something like that, you can't help but wonder about his reaction. I suspect you will get a response, especially because the two of you are still in contact. I also don't think you need to worry about being harsh! The bottom line is that he has made it clear with his words that he doesn't want anything serious from you right now... but he won't leave you be either. It's those mixed messages that will ruin you in the end. If you need the closure, by all means do it.
BCCA Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I dont think ever felt like I said everything I wanted to after a breakup. Truth be told, all that stuff is probably irrelevant to the situation. I think we all would like to believe that if we had just said what we really felt, things could be different. False, it changes nothing. I can promise you that youre not going to feel any better after sending him an email if it doesnt get responded to or responded to in a way that pleases you. As ready as you think you are for anything, I can bet that youll feel awful if he just ignores you. You had it right in the first paragraph, if he changes his mind he'll let you know. Until that happens, and it honestly probably wont, youre just pulling the knife out of your heart slowly by thinking about it this much. Silence speaks volumes, trust me. The best thing you can say to him is nothing at all.
That Emotion Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Do you want to be his back burner gal? His safety net? Leaving the door open is guy code for 'back-up plan'. Opening dialogue with him gives him complete control. It gives him information about you that he can use as he sees fit, like a poker tell. Best deal with the pain and move on. You have some distance from him right now and yourhealing ahs begun. Opening a dialogue is going to put that pain back to square one and you'll have to deal with it all over again. Don't do it. Just keep on keepin' on.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'm not going to yell at you of course. I like you. You see, writing letters is healthy. It's natural to want to write letters like you did, and send them. But the best possible scenario is, you write out these long letters, and then you realize you never need to send them. You won't get closure by sending them to him. That will just open and shut more doors. You'll get closure by forgiving yourself, and not needing him to say or read anything. I wrote a 5 page letter to my ex with things so sad that it ripped my heart from my chest in front of me. It was mind wrenchingly sad. I took the blame for many many things... And right before I dropped it in the mailbox, I stopped myself. And I could never be happier that I did.
northstar1 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I dont think ever felt like I said everything I wanted to after a breakup. Truth be told, all that stuff is probably irrelevant to the situation. I think we all would like to believe that if we had just said what we really felt, things could be different. False, it changes nothing. I can promise you that youre not going to feel any better after sending him an email if it doesnt get responded to or responded to in a way that pleases you. As ready as you think you are for anything, I can bet that youll feel awful if he just ignores you. You had it right in the first paragraph, if he changes his mind he'll let you know. Until that happens, and it honestly probably wont, youre just pulling the knife out of your heart slowly by thinking about it this much. Silence speaks volumes, trust me. The best thing you can say to him is nothing at all. Good post here. You will not feel better for long if you send it, and like BCCA says, you will always have just one more thing you need to say. Look, after my ex and I ended things, I drafted a long long email, with things I had on my mind, things I wanted her to know, about what she meant, about what I wished I'd done, how much she meant, how I thought we had such a strong connection........and how I felt we'd cross paths again. I mean, this was a letter that could have been used in a Hollywood drama with Zach Braff, it was so sweet and poignant. But I never sent it. And now, months later, I am glad I didn't. Not because most of it was not true, but because it would have changed nothing, and the only response it may have invoked would be a mild appreciation, or maybe even some pity - because even if the letter had moved heaven and earth, it would not have brought us back together. Months later, when a different clarity sets in, you will realize it was a good idea not to send it.
Author starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 thanx for the responses so far. the one thing i forgot to clarify, which may seem really trivial to people, but its a big thing for me. is im not sending him an email, im going straight written out snail mail letter. i don't know why but it seems to make a difference to me. that is all for now, im sure i'll have more to whine about later see this is why im holding off, have to give my brain enough time to sort out the logic. one thing i have learned in the past, in breakups its baaaad to do things just out of immediate emotion lol...thats when you seem REAAAALLLY crazy
Ronni_W Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 do i sound completely insane? i mean normally in a breakup you get to say your piece, but i didn't It's not insane, no. And it's not always that we get to have our full and final say after a relationship ends. Perhaps you don't have to decide 'today', whether or not to send your letter? Just keep working on the draft until it is as "perfect" as you can get it. When you feel it absolutely contains all the pieces of 'you' that you still want to share with him, stash the "perfect" version in a nice, safe place for a pre-determined amount of time. Say it is 8 weeks. Enter that date into your calendar. Live the rest of your life exactly the way you want. When "send letter" pops up (in 8 wks), check if you are still feeling the desire to send it. And if so, then do send it. Or, if you've run out of patience already, just send it today . It's not insane...it would only be insane if you allowed yourself to become obsessed with thoughts of sending it. Whatever you decide, good luck -- I do hope you will find your peace about this. EDIT: I like the idea of snail mail. (That's what I thought you meant, in any case.)
saturnfell Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 No, no. You absolutely do not want to send the letter. There will never be enough opportunities to say everything you want to say. Let me tell you this: if you send that letter one of two things is going to happen: you're going to drop in off at the post office, regret it, try desperately to reach into the mailbox and get it out; which you wont, or, you are going to wait outside his house and try to intercept the mail. Bad choice. You will constantly wonder about things you wrote and if they sounded the way you meant, etc. It's not a good place to go. As for the "waiting" No, if he wants to see you, he will let you know. Don't think about what he said, it's not worth it. You can't spend your life waiting for someone to maybe, someday, decide. Would someone you care for make you wait?
lonelygurl Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Well I guess I'm the opposite to everyone here because the first time my X dumped I did draft a long letter over the course of a week or two and I did send it by email. I never regretted sending it. There was a lot I wanted to say and I said it. I wanted to say my peace about stuff and I wanted him to know how I felt about stuff. If you feel you have things you want to say then by all means send the letter. Whether it will make a difference or not who knows. Like most say it probably won't. But I don't agree with everyone here that you will necessarily regret it because I never did. As a result several months later he sent me his "peace" letter to which I never responded and a few months later he tried contacting me through family........ but yet several years later here I sit dumped by him again.........
Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 There's no reason for anyone to yell at you. Writing is a good release for emotions. That's why LS can be so therapeutic. If I have this right, it hasn't been a long time since break up. Take that letter and keep revising it, like Ronnie stated, although the eight week period, I think is too short a time. There's a point in your healing where you'll know if you're strong enough to make contact. Right now you're still reeling from emotions. Consider sending it around 3 - 4 months into NC. For that matter, you might have a change of heart by then. I would also suggest you look to your own temperament. Are you a patient person when it comes to responses? If not, snail mail will drive you around the bend, wondering if he got it or not, if he's read it or not, etc. Reconsider this kind of delivery, if in a few months, you still decide to do it.
Author starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 im definately not sending anything out today. i figured, im going to wait as long as i need to, i'll know to send it or not send it when i stop questioning myself if i should. trail- as for method of delivery, snail mail is the way to go. i'm really not looking for a response....other than the I LOVE U FORGIVE ME HERE's 40 million roses...j/k...kinda.... thats the reason ive been questioning whether or not to send it. if im not looking for a response whats the point, but then i think, the point is knowing that i got my say in, and i did my part or something...i have no clue....brain melting....or maybe i just want him to know im in town, and not 20 hours away from him....i dunno...gah...i hate feeling like my brain is twisting itself into a mcdonalds swirl cone.... ok whoever goes to his house, kidnaps him, puts him in a box and mails him to me, i'll make you cookies...... i'm going to go change my mind about things, and change emotions about 40 times in the next two hours......
Author starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 alright yup...i've lost it... now i keep questioning myself whether i really feel what i wrote of it im hoping it makes him really think, or if i just want him to know i got into town (when i get there that is)...or what...BRAIN EXPLOSION!!! i mean, i don't know...is it crazy to want him to know that im in town...and closer...or is it crazier to think that it would matter if he knew i was there...oh and by the way...WHY HASN'T HE CALLED!!!... im going to go stuff cotton balls in my ears in hopes of retaining some of my brain...half of its already leaked out...
saturnfell Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Starz, You are seriously on turbo speed. Why do you want him to know you're in town? I'm going to assume you want to see him, correct? Do you think that's a good idea right now? As for why hasn't he called: what was the last communication the two of you had? I don't think seeing him is a good idea.
Author starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 i know...im just being insane...last thing was a new years text from him that i never responded to. as for why i want him to know im in town...i don't know, i still think he got scared and ran..and maybe being able to sit and talk and actually see each other again....i'm going to literally drive myself insane aren't i.... GAHHHHHHHH!!! i'm just going crazy, and missing him, you know shaking my fist at the sky for him not calling and saying he made a mistake...and i think a lot of it is this move. i mean i'll be fine doing it on my own, but it just feels like crap, knowing he was supposed to be here helping me, and not letting me feel alone in a completely new place...at least i'll have classes next week to keep my mind busy, and hopefully won't be obsessing so much...idle time is BAD!
saturnfell Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 What would you gain from seeing him and talking in person?
Author starzphalling Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 what would i actually gain, or what do i want to gain, because there is a very good chance there are two completely seperate things. i think it might just be hard for me, a breakup with not seeing that persons face. you get a lot from a person, and when its just a text, or just a voice you miss a lot of that. maybe its just me wondering if he was completely neutral about this, or sad, or happy, or whatever. when he did it, super gayness by the way, it was in a text, he woudln't pick up the phone the night before when i tried to call to find out what was going on. the problem im having is he is emotional and all, but he hides it. like when i visited, and i was a day away from leaving we were just sitting on the couch and he was leaning on me, watching a movie, and he was crying, but wouldn't admit to it, till i said something to the effect of "well you better have been crying, because if my shirt is wet because you were drooling on me...ewww" and then he laughed and kind of loosened up. then later that night/early that morning, whichever you prefer, he had loosened up about it and didn't hide anymore. i just think if we had been able to actually have a conversation i might have more to go on, and then a day after the breakup when he texted me and asked if i was finished with him or if i would leave the door open for something in the future, i answered, and then he came back with another text to the effect of "i don't know maybe im just crazy and don't know what i want." i guess im just confused at his confusion, and why he didn't want to talk about it more...or something...like i said im just going to drive myself insane i think. but then again seeing him could be a completely heartbreaking experience, and the worst idea in the world. you know what my problem is...you know how everyone has that little voice in their head that finds the strength and beats up that big voice that tells you to do stupid things....in my head both the voices are equal, they gave up on beating each other up because neither would win...so now i have to deal with them both
shazam Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 It's not insane, no. And it's not always that we get to have our full and final say after a relationship ends. Perhaps you don't have to decide 'today', whether or not to send your letter? Just keep working on the draft until it is as "perfect" as you can get it. When you feel it absolutely contains all the pieces of 'you' that you still want to share with him, stash the "perfect" version in a nice, safe place for a pre-determined amount of time. Say it is 8 weeks. Enter that date into your calendar. Live the rest of your life exactly the way you want. When "send letter" pops up (in 8 wks), check if you are still feeling the desire to send it. And if so, then do send it. I did the exact thing today. Drafted a perfect letter to my ex...very tempted to send it, but Im just going to sit on it for awhile. It has only been 6 weeks NC, I am going to wait until 8 weeks to see if I still feel the need...Im pretty sure I will. And like her, Im not hoping for a response necessarily...of course that would be nice. Its more a way of getting closure on the whole thing, and taking some power back by saying, 'I agree with this break-up'...something I didnt say when he dumped me.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I did the exact thing today. Drafted a perfect letter to my ex...very tempted to send it, but Im just going to sit on it for awhile. It has only been 6 weeks NC, I am going to wait until 8 weeks to see if I still feel the need...Im pretty sure I will. And like her, Im not hoping for a response necessarily...of course that would be nice. Its more a way of getting closure on the whole thing, and taking some power back by saying, 'I agree with this break-up'...something I didnt say when he dumped me. this was my first relationship and break-up. i think he got scared too, and lead me on for a few months, in the hope that i'd make the break first. this is speculation............he denies this. but he treated me pretty badly in the end. i was gutted, and i too didn't get to say what i wanted during the break-up.........i was crying too much. dignity pouring down my face into the tissue............lovely. i didn't want the breakup, as painful as things were, i wanted to try make it work. he didn't want to talk anymore. probably my fault.............when he wanted to talk, i didn't. when i wanted to talk, he didn't. so i sent a long email, saying we could never be together again - like you, to say i agreed with the breakup but for differenet reasons. i shouldn't have sent it so soon, i realise that now. i think that in sending it, i shot myself in the foot. he won't come back now. but then again, would i want him to? i'm not sure...............i guess i'd love the chance to talk now we've calmed. i'd love to know why he broke up with me in his own honest words, not his lies..............not his excuses. i guess i just want to talk to him......and yet when i think of seeing him to talk, i feel angry? i wrote a letter too starz...................i posted it under the coping forum, in post here instead of contacting your ex. i'd love to send it to him...............but i guess like you i'm waiting to see if i want to............hoping to move to a different place first and see how i feel then. but at the back of my mind i guess that if i sent it, i'd be hoping it wouldn't be the last contact..............a way of opening a door more like? even though i know it wouldn't work..................
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