techfan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hi everyone.... after a couple days of looking at this site I decided to join and share my story. I'll try and keep it quick and to the point for you... I recently broke up with my gf of a few years. We're both 30 years old i should let you know. She broke it off actually, mainly because her reason was that she didn't feel the 'initial fire and happiness' that comes when you first meet someone. She said that she lost the feeling of true excitement like when we first started dating.... I have been out of town for 4 months before this happened on work and sadly we spent the holidays apart because of family, so naturally there was a distance that built up between us. I admit to it and i admit not putting as much working into maintaining the relationship over that past time. I love her more than anything in this world, but I feel as though she has basically fallen out of love with me. She says she still loves me and its the best relationship she has ever been in and she might regret her decision but she wants to end it because those initial feelings of pure excitement aren't there anymore... This is my first real heavy duty relationship and we were beginning to talk about our potential life together/kids/moving in/marriage over the past year but it was put on hold because of my job and a few hesitations of mine (can i afford/support kids in the next few years etc.) I think this made her doubt my love and committment to her. I haven't been in a lot of relationships before but I feel that I am smart enough to know and understand a few things about love. I know the initial feeling of pure joy and being 'in love' fades over time and that is when true and real love begins. I personally feel like love is a monster that takes work.... it changes like the seasons and isn't all flowers and sunshine. But I also think that from that hard work put into it, it can grow to something a million times stronger than that initial illusion of 'being in love'. From what she told me thou, I am not sure if she understands or believes this. She loves watching romantic films/reading similar books so i almost think her view on 'real love' is skewed. I feel the strength of a relationship is measured in the hard times, not the easy ones. I know there is no one else she is seeing so thats not the issue. I personally just think the distance we have had lately had been an issue and maybe caused her to feel this way. But before I got a chance to be back and resolve that issue, we broke up. Obviously it has been painful as hell as this is a woman who I have really been considering spending the rest of my life with.... Obviously not anymore thou. We never fought and always got along so great and had such good times and even in ending our relationship we spurted 'i love yous' back and forth a lot. I asked how she wanted to handle the break up and if we should just stop talking to each other or whatnot. She said that part was up to me. I love her so much and want her to be with whomever will make her as happy as possible even its not me. I want to get back together but I am not going to waste my time sending sappy emails or calling her trying to convince her of that.... I can't 'trick' her into that, she has to find out for herself. It's been a couple days of NC and from what I read on this site it seems to be the way to go right? As bad as I want to get back together i am not riding on the hope that it will happen at all. I am facing the facts that we are broken up and life must go on. I know in time i will be okay its just obviously really hard right now. Any advice or recommendations on how you feel or what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
lonelygurl Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I feel like I'm the opposite of your story. My partner and I had started to grow apart because I was having serious anxiety problems. They were not his fault and I was having trouble controlling them. I am getting help and working towards getting better. I had discussed with my counselor about stopping working to take some time for myself and to start working on repairing our relationship. I left it too late to tell him and I woke up one morning to find a note. I sometimes feel that he didn't want to work throught the hard times. Love and long term relationships take work, a lot of work. I wasn't putting the time into the relationship I should have, but he wasn't either. I keep hoping he will want to work on things. I don't know at this point if he does or doesn't. He says we will talk about things soon. I guess unless your g/f is willing to put the work into the relationship it may not be worth it. But i do agree with you that they do take work and it has to be a joint effort. If you really love her and she is willing to work on it then I say go for it. I am older and I do believe that real true love is very hard to find. I know many on here will disagree, but that is my opinion.
Author techfan Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Thanks for the reply lonelygurl, since she is the one that ended it I dont think she really wants to 'work' on the relationship, which is the saddest part as well. Tears me up inside thinking about this. So i guess i have to go NC as per what everyone here says.... maybe that will let her see the mistake she made.... but even thou i'd like to get back with her i HAVE to move forward in my life.... i cant waste time waiting and 'hoping' that she will come back. Chances are she won't. Also makes me curious if in theory i would even want to be with a person who gives up and doesnt want to work through the hard times when love is lacking a bit.... cause we all know real love isnt easy. I do have another question. I have changed my status on the online networking sites back to single, should i delete her as a friend as well? or is that considered too negative? I love her and dont want to come off hateful at all as i put her happiness before mine but i have to move on..... what to do? thanks all.
Ezekiel1337 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Ok, i have a similar situation. My ex left me because of the same reason. She "didnt feel it"" anymore. And that's what makes me sick about these ridiculous American relationships. These stupid people expect that "Feeling" to last forever. It doesnt. The fires of passion will fade, and what is left is commitment. When it comes to commitment, you deal with the lack of passion. Passion is not what holds a relationship together, its commitment and love. Love does not = passion. Now the difference between you and me is, i did put work into the relationship. A LOT of work. 3 1/2 years of rides, support, pushing her to be succesful, giving her a shoulder and an ear when her emotionally abusive family treated her like they always, do. I always put her first, no matter what i did. I always accounted for her needs no matter what i got, did, was going to do, or was going to need. I paid an uncountable amount of money for her needs. The bottom line was she got bored. I wasnt the kind of person that liked to go out all the time. And i stopped paying for lots of things because im trying to finish my medical degree, so i dont have a job. I feel outraged by that line... i dont feel it. How immature and how juvenille. But i still love her, and i cant stand the fact that i was a pair of training wheels for her. She has been a very dependent and clingy person with self security issues. If i would have broken up with her before all this happened, she would have killed herself... and she threatened to when i did one time. I thought i would be the one to finish the relationship, so imagine how surprised i was when one day, being completly in love with her, i hear all this..... i want to kill her and kiss her at the same time... i cant decide what emotion i am.
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