Iamonline Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I have never posted anything on any board such as this one before so here goes as I am right at the end I think. My wife has had an emotional affair with a work colleague. It started about 15 months ago when she went on a business trip and met him, since then they have been in touch from what I am lead to believe only by email, and instant messaging. About 2 months after meeting him around Christmas last year she was telling all our joint friends that she was in love with another man. We have been married for just under 14 years. Our marriage had been going through various issues the previous 3 years to this where we stopped communicating with each other about our goals things we want in life etc. My wife decided herself that she wanted to have a family but it took her over a year to tell me about it (yet all our friends knew) and I guess I have never wanted my own family and my wife has always known this from day one, prior to this period my wife always maintained to me that she never wanted a family either. I actually did agree to a family with her over 2 years ago but it was never enough she needed me to feel what she felt about a family. Anyway she met this guy October 2007, we as a married couple decided in Feb 2008 to try for our own family, never mind that she was telling all our friends she was in love with someone else. During this period my wife social habits dramatically increased as in her words it was so much fun to be out with work mates instead of spending anytime with me doing anything. She was out on average 3 week nights and then Friday nights too. I did complain and asked her to slow it down that we were suffering, but it was met with deaf ears. I discovered this emotional affair in April 2008 and confronted her, of course she denied it yet I had seen text messages and emails full of what this relationship was about. I immediately got us into counselling and my wife and I started to go through the motions of trying to sort our lives out. We know communication is the issue and is the driving force of our problems, and we vowed to each other to try and talk more. The weeks went by I got to a point within myself to forgive my wife as we were both to blame. She kept telling me that she wanted to work on our marriage and that she loved me. A few months went by hard difficult months to say the least, me trying to build up trust went through counselling came out the other side and we agreed to stay together and work things out forward on our own It was tough; trying to rebuild trust trying to believe it was an emotional affair not physical yet always questioning those many social nights out which still continued at this point. We stopped talking again in August, not from my side I did all I could gifts dinners, did all house chores etc and chatted away dreaming with my wife sharing. Nothing came back. I refused to believe she went back to him as she had told me it was over. At this point I was in a real emotional state and about to head for a breakdown. I took some time out and went to Australia on my own to get my head straight, I was gone from the end of Sept 2008 to early November 2008. I got my head straight, my wife told me she wanted me back missed me loved me and needed me in her life. I returned fresh new invigorated ready for anything to charge into the future. Only to discover that this affair had commenced again back in August 2008 and ended (again) in October, just before I returned. My wife told me that they spoke more than ever before and were even closer November and December, found myself reeling trying to work this all out for a second time, how do I forgive again for the same, its it really over, does my wife want me or love me and even want to be with me? Only questions she can answer. My wife even told me she did not know if she loved me or wanted to be with me. Christmas came and went, and New Year we went to stay in a cottage on our own to spend some time together. Less than one hour into the new year 2009 we argued I told my wife how depressed I as as she has told me she is depressed about loosing her relationship with this guy how do I ork with that depression when I have my own. My wife also stopped telling me she loved me in August I asked her why, she replied with she cannot tell me as she is emotionally unattached to me, she shares nothing with me and battles to talk to me as she says she is scared of my reaction to things she may say. So here I sit in a marriage that I love my wife is the most amazing person and I love her beyond words, I am very giving, loving in all aspects of life and even she will agree to this that I am a wonderful caring loving man. But here we are. I am very depressed, my work is suffering, I want to be with my wife, but I don’t know how to forgive this again, or understand her saying in one breath she wants her marriage then the next commences back to her affair. She is emotionally unattached to me but attached and depressed about her affair. I don’t know what to do, all friends and family say to leave her, to be able to forgive try work and move forward once is enough the second time round just months after and still be lied to about so many thingsThere is so much more to this mess too, it would become novels to include all aspects. Any comments advice etc, as maybe I do need to leave her but I would do it with so much reluctance. ISM Iamonline :lmao::bunny:
Reggie Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Sorry for your pain. Sounds like your wife is extremely dishonest in this area and you should not trust her. There is a very good chance that you know significantly less about this affair than you think. It very may well have gone physical. Regardless, your wife has shown you who she is, a person willing to lie and cheat, repeatedly. Believe her when she shows you who this. I'd see a lawyer to , at least, find out where you stand, rightswise.
jwi71 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You prolly won't like this but you should have yourself tested for STDs. There have been too many opportunities for this EA to have become a PA. She is also a proven liar - no reason she wouldn't lie about being intimate with him. Do this for your own health. I would then consult a lawyer. Pay the fee. Learn your rights and the law. This is NOT for you to file divorce - just get a legal advocate on your side, learn the law as it may or may not apply to you, and learn some next steps. You find a good lawyer for YOU. Based on what you post, your W is married in title only. She isn't acting married nor is she even working to save the marriage. You went to MC and it didn't help HER. Because she doesn't want it. Saving the M is not in HER world right now. It may never be. She continues to lie and cheat and sneak around. She continues to knowingly put you through hell. She is making all the wrong decisions provided she wants your M to survive. Honestly, I cannot fathom why you would WANT to stay married to her given her words and actions. My advice is thus: Ask your W to leave. Pack up her belongings and when she comes home - tell her to leave. Tell her to move in with the OM. If she won't... Then YOU move out. Pack up and leave. Find an apartment of your own. Take half the cash. Open new accounts, get new phone - the whole nine yards. Tell her you'll contact her in 90 days. Then leave. She is currently lost in this OM. You CANNOT compete with him. Its impossible. NO MM can ever compete with the OM. Ever. And that's because their R is FALSE - a FANTASY. And its perfect. He's perfect. There are no bills or mortgages or cleaning toilets...its all fantasy. Let her live it this fantasy, it will crash soon enough (typically several months). Yes, hard as hell. But the goal is to pop that bubble by leaving and forcing your W to confront reality and what YOU provide her. More MC will do nothing right now. Like I said, she is too lost in lala land. Staying at home ENABLES her to continue. You handle the reality and she gets the fantasy. And nothing changes. Force the change. I am sorry you must live this. You keep comng here and posting and I'll keep replying...
atwitsend Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 jwi is right. She needs to be brought to a crisis. and you being around her is not helping. She loves the security you give her and wants to have an affair with this guy. You have to be bold.. Tell her you "I am a great guy and I deserve better then you" Literally. Don't tell her you deserve better then THIS. She has to understand this is nothing to do with you. She has brought a cancer into your marriage. You can't trust her. She has had every opportunity to be upfront with you. As a wife should. No, she chose to lie to you and disrespect you. You should have dealt with all this before austrailia. You only allowed it to get worse. That's your only part in this. You let it get worse. Right now she thinks she has all the time in the world to choose. Don't give her that latitude. And when you leave tell her this. You are an adulterer. And you always will be. Second marriages have even a less chance of working then first marriages. And one of you will cheat, and destroy this joke of a relationship. It won't be long girl, till you're alone When your lover, oh, he hasn't come home Cause he's lovin' oo, he's touchin', He's squeezin' another He's tearin' you apart Oh, every, everyday He's tearin' you apart Oh girl what can you say? Cause he's lovin', touchin' another Now it's your turn, girl to cry Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na
Owl Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Marriage counseling is pretty much useless when one of the partners is involved in an affair. It usually ensures that they're going to lie during the counseling...which then negates the value of the sessions completely. Have you read anything from the marriagebuilders materials? I'd suggest reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. It's got a great 'plan' for helping you to recover...both your marriage and personally. I'd read up on their website's free material (but avoid the forum there!) about plan A, plan B, the "Love Bank" concept, and emotional needs. Use that to assess where you're at. Have you taken the right steps to try to end the affair? Plan A basically consists of making the changes in yourself that you need to...for yourself. Identify traits and behaviors that you know aren't doing yourself any good...and change them. Figure out what your wife's emotional needs are...and take active measures to make sure that you're meeting them. Create REAL pressure to end her affair (has it been exposed at her office, for example? since it started with work, on a business trip...her employers would not likely condone this behavior). Have you contacted friends and family and asked them to help save your marriage? There are steps to take if all this has failed...but like I said, read that free material first. It's really got pretty much all the basic concepts. Do follow up and contact a lawyer to learn your legal rights in your state/country. That doesn't mean you have to file...but it does let you know what you need to do to protect yourself if things get really ugly. I don't agree with leaving your residence, nor with kicking your wife out (yet). It's hard to do a good 'plan A' when she's not around to see the changes. That can come later if she doesn't respond...that's "plan B". Do you have a support system in place to help you deal with all of this? Friends/family who you can talk with while you're trying to cope with all this stress? Considered starting to work out? It helps a LOT in dealing with the stress and depression that always goes hand in hand with a cheating spouse. Just some things to get you started...once you've read some of that material, or even sooner if you like...come back and give an update on what is going on right now...and hopefully you can get more specific advice based on that. Hang in there...right now, nothing is written in stone my friend.
seibert253 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I suspect more than an EA occured, and I think you do too. She hasn't been honest with you and frankly from what you've shared, I don't think intends to. With that being said, I know you love her and want her back, but you have to realize your marriage may not be salvagable. Your gone, she wants you back, loves you more than anything, blah, blah, blah, then when you back all the sudden she cannot connect with you. You're a security blanket for her. You do have one last chance to test her intentions. Seperation and no contact. Then if she come running back, tell her you'll consider it with conditions. These conditions must be met and maintained by her, no waffling, no exceptions. All contact between her and the other guy must stopMarriage and individual couselingComplete and total honesty, (this includes YOU)Complete and total access to all her cell phones and email accounts.If she truly loves you, and wants to make your marriage work she will agree. If not, then it's time to get a good attorney, and empty out your financial accounts. (Not to sound vindictive, just being practical)
Author Iamonline Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Hi there. Thanks to all r comments, I do appreciate them all. I am considering all my options, my wife has become a lot more open to me in recent weeks, which complicates my feelings, however this happened before yet still went back to her EA. I have also found evidence that phsycal meetings did take place, seems like only for drinks twice in 6 months or so. I have a pile of questions I need to asj my wife and I an to do so within the next week. Pretty much to cover all angles. However I feel I am taking steps for me at last in all this, I have tried all avenues I can think of and well am still in the same depressed state. Anyway thats it really. Thanks again all. cheers
DayDreamer75 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I think you should firstly decide what you want. Whether your wife is really worth your pain and your waiting for her to get back to the reality of life. The reason why I am saying this is because it will not be an easy ride for you and it will take time: months or maybe even an year... The problem is that as everybody said here, your wife is feeling in love. This is a very unrealistic feeling and she probably is unable to deal with this feeling. And there is nothing you can do about this until she can see the reality. The love she feels is not real but you cannot compete with this type of love and romance in any way. You can only wait for this feeling to wear out. But even if you decide to wait, you should work on your happiness. Do what eases this pain for you. Do what makes you happy. Try to grow as a single person. Don't sit around being depressed and feeling unhappy. This would only push her away from you. I am speaking based on my own experience. Several years back I had lots of difficulties with my long term relationship. I did not feel understood, loved and cared for at all. I developed a friendship with a colleague of mine. He seemed everything I had ever wanted in a man. He was caring, kind, and very interested in me. But I was not ready to give up on my current relationship and I did not want to develop another relationship on the side. So it remained only a friendship. But believe me, although I made a decision within myself not to give in to the feelings I had for the other person, it was very difficult. I spent several months struggling with my feelings and emotions. I felt I was not getting my needs met at my home yet I loved my boyfriend. On the other hand I had a friend (at the time I thought he was my best friend who I thought loved me and was ready for anything for me) for whom I had developed deep feelings but I did not want a relationship with him until I would figure out what to do with my current relationship. So, just to make it short, although in my mind I knew what I wanted to do and what I did not want to do, my heart was still aching a lot. It took around an year for me to get out of this painful situation, this constant feeling of what to do. And it was the best thing I could do for anyone and for myself as well. I am glad I stuck to my relationship and did not get into a relationship with the other guy, but it took so much effort on my side and it made me so unhappy deep inside my heart. I am sure it must not have been very easy to be next to me at that moment. And I understand what you might be going through, but there is nothing you can do. Only she can make the right decision and even if she decides to be with you and cut off all her contact and relationship with the other guy it would still be a touch ride for months or even years. So, decide within yourself if you're ready to wait that long for her... I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs...
Recommended Posts