DSM-IV Tom Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hey all, just wanted to hear some personal opinions. In my head, sometimes completely out of my control (such as asleep/waking up), I find myself at my ex's home. I see all the details of her house, all the colors, rooms, details... I feel like I'm there. I feel like my mind is in the house, but I know my body is right here. I feel like I'm ripped in half, and then an extra pain because my heart aches to think that I'll never be there again. I see her mother and father and brother and cat, and everything I'll never see again. It's overwhelming. Does anyone else find their mind wandering in the house/apartment they used to spend so much time in? And then realize an intense pain when you understand you'll never be there again or see it again? It's so painful.
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 When I break up with someone after being in a long-term relationship, its just that. Every now and then I might remember a really nice moment with them and smile, but that's about it. Are you depressed? Your posts seem to indicate that you're a bit gloomy. Hope everything is working out for you, man.
starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 i kind of do that but its more, i see something small and of no significance but it triggers something else that triggers something else that brings me there. and then my mind just wanders in the memories, and goes hey that was so much fun....never be doing that with them again.../sigh....well thanx tom...now im doing it again. personally i like toms doom and gloom acerbic blunt attitude, makes me smile
zilverenvlinder Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Yes, it happens ALL the time for me, especially since I lived there for a year and a half! It's sooo strange living somewhere and then, poof, one day it's their apartment and you can never go back. My things are completely gone. I'll never open the door and see my little dog again. I'll never watch football with him again, or scary movies. I'll never buy groceries and try to fit the huge TV dinners in my tiny freezer. It's just scary and sad and kind of frightening. But that's why we have to just look ahead and never backwards.
smiiiley Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 yeah it has happened to me...and yeah ur right it is painful.
FeedingOnFever Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It could be that I do a lot of creative writing and therefore have a very active imagination, but I have those phantom thoughts all the time. The difference though, is that I see images of the past in my own house, since that is where my ex and I lived for 1.5 years. I see his legs poking out from under the bed covers when I come out of a shower (he always slept in way later than me.) I see his laptop set up on the coffee table, along with his giant pitcher of water (he was a hydration nut.) He used to do little things (we called them "(his name)-isms"), such as sticking a safety pin into the wall for no reason, putting a fedora on top of our fan, or putting my stuffed animals into weird dance positions. Then other days I do picture his house and his family so clearly that it's like I'm there. The way I'd have to walk on the inside of my feet in their house because of all the cat litter, dirt, leaves, and other small debri that a 10-year old boy and 18 pets would drag in. The way it was NEVER quiet there, with squaking parrots, barking dogs, shouting in between the rooms and TVs going. My house is quiet like a tomb. My ex really brought his energy and liveliness into this empty, quiet place. I hope that eventually these flashbacks, or whatever they are, will stop for both of us. Even if they just start to get less intense or frequent over time, that's a good step in the right direction. I was going to ask how long it's been since your breakup, and what happened, but I think I'll go look up your threads first and come back after that. Take care. Going out with friends to places that remind me less of my ex helps (no place on this island can ever really NOT remind me of my ex, but some places are less intense than others.) Hope that this gets less intense for you as well.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 It's good to hear all of your replies and experiences and opinions. Special shout-out to Starz, but you all are appreciated. Pyro, what you said is exactly what I was looking for. The word you used; "Phantom Thoughts". That's exactly it; it's like you're there but you aren't. You see through your minds eye and all of a sudden you're in your past, at the place you miss more than anything. A phantom view. As for youreasian, am I depressed? Yes, of course. To some degree anyways. And I have anxiety. But my methods of helping people are very logical, as starz has seen. I do it because you won't help anyone by holding their hand, unless you're pulling them through the fire they're afraid to face.
belladonna Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Just wanted to share that I think this is mainly why I'm still having trouble letting go. I have a day-dreaming problem..where if I have a minute to myself I immediately start re-enacting past times in my mind. I always picture myself back in his room lying in his bed with him. I have a vivid picture of every detail of that place. There's also images of people that I'll never see again either who we spent a lot of time with that come up in my mind. I feel like I'm close to moving on but then as soon as I get a moment my mind wanders back to those times and I get depressed all over again because I know I'll never be back there. I thought with school starting today I'd finally distract myself but instead found myself day dreaming again during class once it got boring. For such a short and relaxed relationship I never thought I could be so affected about it ending.
RM0123 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I'm glad to know that everything that is going on with me also happens to others. Not only do I think about all the things we used to do together, I also think about all the things I thought we were going to do together. Like I had pictures of the place we would live in, quiet evenings after work, our wedding, our first dance, having kids. I pictured those things so often when we were together that I almost feel like they are memories of things that happened. It is amazing how every little thing has someway of reminding me of him.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 i keep thinking of the good times too. just the other day i said on a thread here that i was beginning to look on them as good memories and nothing more. that was a good day.......... now i see them as good times shared with a person i can never share with again. if i hear frank sinatra...........i picture us dancing on a street in barcelona, if i hear the song valerie..............i hear him singing it to me, and hope that everytime he hears it now, it's all the more poignant........it reminded him of me.............i think of us walking along the beach.........curled up in bed with a bottle of wine and a dvd. all those memories make me wonder if it would be worth going back there......... but what's the point in wondering, when his heart's not in it anymore? they're not like other memories..............i can look back at other old memories and smile...............i look back at our memories today and cry
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 As for youreasian, am I depressed? Yes, of course. To some degree anyways. And I have anxiety. But my methods of helping people are very logical, as starz has seen. I do it because you won't help anyone by holding their hand, unless you're pulling them through the fire they're afraid to face. That's what my therapist has done for me... pull me through the fire. She couldn't have pulled me if I didn't offer my hand to her though. Been there... dreamed of being trapped in the house we used to share, but never finding the exit. I guess that reflected my fear that I would never get out of that heartache maze. You are in the Biz... You know that dreams are just a way of working things out. That it is the sub-conscious mind working through things your conscious mind doesn't want to face. We have no control over our dreams. I always wake up feeling like my brain has worked crap out for me while I am absent.
tyty512 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I'm glad to know that everything that is going on with me also happens to others. Not only do I think about all the things we used to do together, I also think about all the things I thought we were going to do together. Like I had pictures of the place we would live in, quiet evenings after work, our wedding, our first dance, having kids. I pictured those things so often when we were together that I almost feel like they are memories of things that happened. It is amazing how every little thing has someway of reminding me of him. I feel the exact same way you do and it is very hard. I have read some of your things and it seems like alot of our feelings are the same. I guess all we can do is continue to tell ourselves it will get easier and hope that one day soon it will be something we can believe.
KissTheRain Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 D-Lish I agree with the subconsious mind, but really, whenever I wake up after dreaming about her, I have tears. How is my subconsious mind helping me I dont understand... If I dream abut her with someone else ofcourse I will wake up upset. If I dream about her next to me, and in my house again I wake up again just to realise it was a dream. and thats another heart break. In dreams we feel so close to the person, and only to wake up to realise it is a dream, it makes waking up all the more harder, and the day more depressing for me. I only wish I can erase each and every momory thru some kinda drug or something cause now its been over 3 months, and if this goes on any longer I am going to quit my job and the city. I only lived here for her and I know no one in this city which makes it all the more depressing for me. Whereas she has her family and has all her friends as she has been here for over 9 years now... Really. this is way to hard.
D-Lish Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 D-Lish I agree with the subconsious mind, but really, whenever I wake up after dreaming about her, I have tears. How is my subconsious mind helping me I dont understand... Perhaps it's your sub-conscious mind telling you that YOU NEED TO CRY. That you are not grieving properly.
KissTheRain Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Perhaps it's your sub-conscious mind telling you that YOU NEED TO CRY. That you are not grieving properly. How do I grieve properly? Its been 3 months, I have gone on 2 vacations one with family one with friends, I have tried NC, but have broken down everytime I have come back to the city and to the house that we shared. And the last 2 days I have cried a lot again? I know nothing else can help me but myself, but I don't know how. I just feel like sleeping forever now, and without any dreams !!! Maybe like Sleeping Beauty or something only to find enough time has passed in NC, and she awakens me, but thats a Fairytale. God how disillusioned I am getting...
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