Riffmeister General Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hi folks. Ok, I'm in my 7th day NC, and not been tempted to write, call or text at all, so that's all good. But today, her sister emailed me to say she was shocked at what happened, no-one saw it coming, and that she's been feeling for me since (not romantically, sympathetically). I got on with her sister very well, and kinda knew she'd write something like that, but do I reply to her? Is it really that big of a deal? Doesn't count as breaking NC, does it? Was a bit of a setback because in my mind there was that hope she'd email saying my ex is terribly upset, thinks she's made a mistake etc, but there was none of that, just that my ex was as surprised as anyone that this has happened. She's obviously completely over it already. Dunno, just feels comforting to have someone on the inside that still cares how I am, and I want to let her know I appreciate it. Feeling bad now, going snowboarding to take my mind off it. Perhaps I'll find a cliff or something... Thoughts?!
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 No reason to contact her sister. Sure, it'd be nice to. But her sister should've never contacted you. Why did she? Why would she? She should've stayed out've it. Or just wished you well and said goodbye. But instead, she does this? Don't reply.
starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 /agree i say its a bad idea to reply. it could become a huge jumbled mess. remember she may have cared for you, but you're not blood. her allegiance lies with her sister. so i wouldn't risk it.
emotionalydistraugt Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Dont risk it. Keep up no contact. It really could turn into something bigger than what you want. It was nice for her email but thats all it was, an email. You dont have to reply to it. No contact is the way to go
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'd have to concur with the advice given thus far and suggest that you keep up the NC. While I appreciate your ex's sister's kindness, you are in no way obligated to respond. Additionally, whatever you say could, and will probably inevitably get back to your ex and could easily be misconstrued.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Dunno, just feels comforting to have someone on the inside that still cares how I am, and I want to let her know I appreciate it. Thoughts?! I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if you want to write her back, do so. When my ex-husband walked out on me for a married co-worker, his mother wrote me a very nice note. She said she didn't agree with her son's decision, had a great deal of empathy for me, and that she was thinking of me and hoping I was doing ok. She had no "motive" other than to sincerely wish me well. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that she did that, especially since no one else in his family has spoken to me since. You don't have to just cut out all of the people in your life that your ex had any connection with. Yes, her sister is her sister and she will obviously support her blood, so I don't recommend that you look to her sister as any source of support or "eye into" how your ex is doing. But a nice "Thank you for thinking about me - I'm just taking it one day at a time" can't do any harm. And, if makes you feel better and allows you to express your appreciation, then I'd say go ahead.
lovingalways Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I agree with the above poster. I think a nice "Thank you for thinking about me" note won't do any harm. Besides, why should you cut out all of the people your ex is connected with? I wouldn't because what happened was between the two of us, not between the two of us AND everyone else. So, if you feel like you want to reply, do it. I'm sure she sincerely meant what she said.
starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 ok im going to ammend my post a bit, and clarify. to me, its a bad idea to write an emotional, how you're feeling about everything note back. but a thank you for the kind words, blah blah blah, hope you're doing well letter, won't do harm.
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 ok im going to ammend my post a bit, and clarify. to me, its a bad idea to write an emotional, how you're feeling about everything note back. but a thank you for the kind words, blah blah blah, hope you're doing well letter, won't do harm. I agree. It's one thing to say "Thanks for your concern" and leave it at that, but the temptation to delve into your feelings and thoughts about the break up is definitely going to be there and will certainly do more harm than good. If you must write back, I'd keep it short and sweet.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 starz and Bella, those are good things to emphasize. Riff, if you elect to respond and you find that you are pouring your heart out, reaching out for support, or asking her questions about your ex, then stop. Set it aside - you don't have to respond right away. Set it aside, or leave it alone altogether until you're better able to own your pain and prevent it from pouring out and burdening the sister (who did nothing wrong). A short, polite acknowledgement is fine - emotional vomiting is not.
starzphalling Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 emotional vomiting LOL, best term EVER, i love that!
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Wow guys, thanks for all the advice! Yeah, that was my worry, that I'd end up having a great big outpouring of emotions and thoughts and that would put her in a situation she doesn't deserve to be in. Yes, I was hoping for more info (there wasn't even a mention of the other guy, so no idea if that kicked off or not), but you're right, I shouldn't look to her as an outlet for my grief. I'll write a very simple note expressing my appreciation that SOMEONE in that group appreciates that there's a heartbroken guy involved in all this, as supportive as I appreciate everyone's had to be over the decision. No-one encouraged her to do this, so there's no resentment towards any of her friends, except the other guy (who's name, you might have noticed, I can't BEAR to mention) who I may have to take an iron bar to if he is unfortunate enough to cross my path. Maybe I was hoping the mistake (if it was one) would have become clear by now, but over the last day I've had glimpses of realisation that I may never see her again, and we will never get back what we had. Just a hard pill to swallow. Sad.
Recommended Posts