beyondsad Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 At 18 weeks since discovering the A and feeling very good about R on both our parts why do I still want to contact the OW? I know there is no point but I want to hear all the gory details from her. My H has had NC since the discovery and we seem to be doing well. I am actually at a place that I am not angry or sad just wanting to get on with my life, with my H. Living in a small town I frequently run into her and one time at close range. I couldn't think of one thing to say to her that was appropriate with our kids around. I know her email acct and would love to just email her. All my friends say to NOT contact her that I just will look pathetic. And if I did contact her by email what should I say. What do ya'll think.
Owl Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Here's the thing...I totally get your desire to contact her. Your H lied to you in order to carry on the affair...and you want to know if you got the whole truth or not. You want to get an idea of the complete "scope" of the affair...so you well and truly know what it is you're being asked to forgive. You want to understand the whole thing. I went through that too. But...here's the problem. Contacting the OW isn't going to help. Odds are very high that she'll lie. She owes you nothing, and probably couldn't possibly care less about you and what you're going through. She's probably totally focused on her own pain...and more than likely blames you for part of it. Calling her won't help you. It'll probably just raise up a fight between the two of you...at the very least, she's likely to lie/minimize/etc... to avoid getting him into further trouble, to avoid responsibility on her own side. It also raises the risk that she'll reach out in some fashion to your H in the hopes of resuming the affair. Your best bet is to try to cope with your feelings of mistrust for now...discuss all of this with your H during marriage counseling. But don't reach out to OW...the odds are very much against anything of value coming out of that conversation.
2sure Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Its only been 18 weeks. Really, that is not so long. After my H's infidelity - I never really had all the details. Its been more than a year now and the details are not something that cross my mind anymore. The details truly are incidental to me. The Why was way more important. Running into her (ahem -any of the "hers") would not be an issue for me, as I simply hold my head up high because I view her as a symptom of a problem, not the cause. Like the mucus that comes from a cold. However, I did contact OW as soon as I found out. No histronics, just stated the facts. I have some satisfaction from that and I'm glad I did it. I wouldnt send an email explaining how she made you feel. Your feelings are none of her business. Your marriage problem is none of her business and is being solved. The affair was a bump in the road. Well, more of a road block probably - but her part in it does not warrant recognition. If you must run into her again socially, say hello and address her by an incorrect name. This speaks volumes.
Author beyondsad Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the replys. I know that I shouldn't and I know I won't contact her but I WANT to! I will remember to call her a wrong name next time I see her - any suggestions? I just wish I knew what the F they talked about- what he said about me and us? It's weird it just eats at me. He is doing everything to make me feel better about us and I do feel better BUT there are missing things I want to know and I think he gaslights me about them. He SWEARS no PA (bull****) etc. etc. etc.
65tr6 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the replys. I know that I shouldn't and I know I won't contact her but I WANT to! I will remember to call her a wrong name next time I see her - any suggestions? I just wish I knew what the F they talked about- what he said about me and us? It's weird it just eats at me.. it makes me feel the same way but i have no longer any desire to contact the OM. Not worth it. Dont do it He is doing everything to make me feel better about us and I do feel better BUT there are missing things I want to know and I think he gaslights me about them. He SWEARS no PA (bull****) etc. etc. etc. then just ask him again and tell him you rather hear it from him even if he thinks it is going to hurt you. He can sugar coat it if you want but i rather hear it as is. Ask him to lay it out. Are you not following the policy of radical honesty ? So he is saying he never touched her ? kinda hard to believe.
jwi71 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Are you prepared to hear: "No, my name is Jane because your H screamed it enough while we were having sex last week". Don't contact, talk, email, acknowledge her existence. Nothing good will come of it. Simply ignore her. If you take the high road its what you get - don't get sucked into acting beneath yourself. If you need to let it out...grab a baseball bat and bet the crap out of some inanimate object. Not her inanimate objects mind you.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 At 18 weeks since discovering the A and feeling very good about R on both our parts why do I still want to contact the OW? I know there is no point but I want to hear all the gory details from her. My H has had NC since the discovery and we seem to be doing well. I am actually at a place that I am not angry or sad just wanting to get on with my life, with my H. Living in a small town I frequently run into her and one time at close range. I couldn't think of one thing to say to her that was appropriate with our kids around. I know her email acct and would love to just email her. All my friends say to NOT contact her that I just will look pathetic. And if I did contact her by email what should I say. What do ya'll think. I think a lot of people will tell you NOT to do it and they may have some valid points, but they don't have the clear picture of what is going on inside your mind or even the situation. So I will present the other side of the argument. I met with my wife's lover and had a pretty helpful conversation with him. Part of the reason I had to do that was because we had never met in person before. I wanted to put a face to the person that involved himself so deeply in my life and likewise put a face to the person he had harmed. I had to let him know that what he did affected real people, not just imaginary ones. I don't regret meeting him one bit, especially when I saw the painful expression on his face. After all, he chose to involve himself in a situation that caused a lot of pain. It didn't seem fair that he should walk away from it so nonchalantly and without any remorse. He did lie to me about certain details to protect my wife, but I didn't expect this A-hole to be honest to me anyway. In fact, his body language gave away the lie even more clearly than my wife's, so it helped me uncover the truth later on. One thing I've discovered about this sort of thing is that people are different. Some people want to know the explicit details and others don't. We have different reasons for wanting to know as well. I wanted to know the details because I felt that it was the only way to lay the event to rest in my mind and start to rebuild the trust that had been lost. I didn't want to know so that I'd have more "ammo" to hurl at my wife later. My reasons were far removed from causing more dissension in our marriage. I think I did the right thing for myself. I'm happy I did it.
OWoman Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Contacting the OW isn't going to help. Odds are very high that she'll lie. She owes you nothing, and probably couldn't possibly care less about you and what you're going through. I think this depends on the OW - there are plenty of OWs on the OW board who say that, should their MM's BW contact them, they'd be honest with her and tell her everything, even though they would not make the step of contacting her themselves. But there are plenty of others who wouldn't - who, like Owl suggests, would see their loylaty as lying with the MM and not the BW, or even just with themselves if they've been dumped. (Myself, I'd be one of the latter kind - if my MM's BW were ever to approach me for answers, I'd refer her to a therapist and urge that she looks deep inside herself for her answers.) Thing is, unless you know her really well and can predict accurately which "type" she is, you'd be going out on a limb, taking a huge risk and setting yourself up for yet more hurt and possibly - maybe even likely - not getting anywhere near the answers you sought in the first place. Perhaps you will get the answers you need - in words or in kind - from your H, and perhaps you won't. How much that matters to you, and how well you could live with not having all those needs met, you'd need to decide if he can't give them. But some, I suspect, will come from unexpected places, when you least expect them, in the fullness of time.
JustBreathe Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Don't contact the OW. She is not your friend. She did not and does not care about how you feel about anything. On the off chance she tells you anything it will be colored by her own capacity for fooling herself. She needs to feel like she was more than just humped and dumped to salvage any vestiges of self-worth she has left, so she will relate her fantasy through that lens. She needs to feel that it was truly something special, which, if it was actually that, your husband would be with her and not you.
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