freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Here is a little history.... I am a single mom of a teenage child that was gone for 2 weeks over the holidays. I met the most wonderful guy and spent almost every waking hour with him those two weeks. I am pretty sure I am suffocating him. I want to be sure he knows that I was only trying to cram as much fun as possible into those two weeks before I have to go back to my routine. I probably text him like 10 times a day, if I stop abruptly will that confuse him or relieve him? This is the first time I have dated in almost seven years, I am so lost.
LovieDove24 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Deep breath freckles... Ok, did you sleep with him in those two weeks? If so, and you are of the same emotional mindset as me you will find that sleeping with someone too soon creates a false intense feeling of attachment too soon. Don't beat yourself up for it if you did though, just recognize it and take action! I am a little confused as to whether or not your "intense" two weeks are over now? If so, surely your daughter will keep you busy enough to not have time to text 10 times a day! Yes, that is definitely smothering. Why don't you not call for a few days. If he reciprocates the feelings towards you this will give him a chance to breath and reflect. And if he really likes you he will take that time to realize he wants to keep in contact. Keep yourself busy, find things to do. Just make sure to take a few steps back! It's like that corny little saying "Love is like a butterfly: Hold it too close and you will crush it, don't hold it tight enough and it will fly away." So just be careful. Maybe you should take this opportunity to start setting up dates with other people as well to see if this guy really stacks up or if you were just lonely.
carhill Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 If the guy is mature and interested in you, telling him exactly what you posted here should start a dialogue that will lead to a more healthy and reasonable progression. How long has it been since the end of your last marriage/relationship? His?
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I was able to hold out for three days (I didn't want to waste any time). We must have slept together 3 or 4 times a day, almost everyday. Plus he leaves next week for 3 months of job related training. Do you think I can recover from the "smothering" quick enough to keep the distance from being a problem?
carhill Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Wild guess that you'll die of old age in his arms or this will go down in flames. I don't see any middle ground. If there's a real connection, one or both of you will learn how to fly cheaply on airplanes
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Carhill, should I let things simmer before I tell him about wanting to cram enough fun into two weeks? I have never been in a committed serious relatinship, I had my son early in life and have been focusing on him. I'm not sure about his relationship history, I don't want to freak him out asking too many questions about
carhill Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Since I can't have sex outside of a serious committed relationship, I'm likely the wrong person to be commenting here Do you get any sense of intimacy from him, beyond the sexual part? Does that matter to you? My best advice, at this point, is to text him less (not quit) but try calling him and gauging how that goes. If the texting has been mostly sexual-related, a few phone calls will be a great comparison. Is there anything else between you? Just do that and enjoy the time until he leaves, keeping your emotions in check ("have fun" is a great way to look at it) and see where it goes...
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I do sense intamacy, he stares deeply into my eyes occasionally and holds my hand for no reason. None of the texts were sexual, mostly things like : what are you doing later? want to go to the movies? etc. Thanks for your advice!
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Only 3-4 times per day? How old is this guy?...just teasing Yeah, if you're scared of smothering him, back off a little and agree to meet him when you can.
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 One last question, In order to survive this 3 month break, should I suggest that we read a book together? I know he reads alot and that would give us an excuse to talk to each other at least once a week about something interesting.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Intimacy isn't about looking into your eyes and holding your hands. Does he know what you're about? Have you shared with him your hopes and dreams, aspirations, fears, goals, values, interests? Have you connected on an emotional AND intellectual level? If you're concerned about smothering him, the LAST thing I'd do is suggest a sort of homework assignment (the book).
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 One last question, In order to survive this 3 month break, should I suggest that we read a book together? I know he reads alot and that would give us an excuse to talk to each other at least once a week about something interesting. Reading sounds like a great idea. Religious text? Non fiction? Fiction? Just be sure to keep the spark going as well. I can't speak for your man, but if it was my girl, I know I'd probably sneak some flirting in there somewhere during the discussion just to rile things up....
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I was thinking American Psycho, I know he recently bought that book and has not begun to read it. From what I have gathered from an online synopsis it is funny and a little racy. Do you think STARGAZER is right, is that homework? I just thought if he enjoys reading then that could be something for us to share.
carhill Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 When you call him (or he calls you) during his training, you can ask him about his impressions of the book and see where it goes. Perhaps getting away from the daily sex would be a good way to get to know each other. Training in more than one way Question: Would you have posted here, nearly breathlessly, if you hadn't had so much sex so early with him? That's a question worth examining. The desire for human touch and feeling attractive is a very basic one. We all have it. There are many similar stories in the LS archives. Do a search and read about others experiences and advice, since you apparently love to read. Good luck!
Author freckles007 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I would not be such a mess if I hadn't slept with him. Lesson learned! I just hope I don't forget that lesson over the next seven years until I date again.
carhill Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Date plenty. Be selective about the sex part. That is not in any way intended to mean that sex is bad. Sex is great If you want to have sex with men, just make yourself available. They'll line up. I get the sense that you're looking for a LTR here; a man who will be a committed partner to you. If so, very few in that line will have such concepts on their mind. Some will, or might get there eventually. Up to you how you want to handle it. Hope it works out!
quankanne Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 you remind me of my husband and me when he would work away from home, though our topic of choice where the pregnant chicks on the Weather Channel & how their bellies would still stick out whenever they'd go off-screen. the book idea is a great one that you can't go wrong with, esp. if you can recommend stuff to each other.
LovieDove24 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I would not be such a mess if I hadn't slept with him. Lesson learned! I just hope I don't forget that lesson over the next seven years until I date again. This is what I suspected. I get the same feeling when I sleep with a man...no matter how soon. To me, sex equals love and it creates a deep sense of attachment. The trouble with doing it too soon is that it may be a 'false' attachment as there is not a very strong foundation to sustain it. Worst case scenario is you don't hear from him anymore after he comes back. I'd join a dating website like match.com in the meantime and have interesting men take you on dates! Its a fun way to get a confidence boost and you won't be sitting at home wondering whats going to happen when he comes back. Please don't wait another seven years to date! There are many options out there, online dating sites are helpful!
Author freckles007 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Thought I would give you guys an update! I have managed to keep myself busy and not bother him. He has attempted to contact me several times! I figure a couple more days of being aloof should do the trick.
LovieDove24 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Yes, congrats! As much as we hate to admit it, the beginning is always a game of cat and mouse.
Author freckles007 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Okay, another man asked me out today. What should I do? I would not want the guy I'm seeing to date anyone else. On the other hand, he really isnt paying much attention to me. Do I ask him if he cares about me dating other men?
carhill Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 If you like the guy you had sex with and want to develop something with him, I'd say no (to talking to him about dating other men). You're not exclusive (I presume) so that's unnecessary. Be selective about who you date and don't have sex with them. Don't accept a date just because someone asks you out Are you interested in this other guy?
Author freckles007 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 I used to be interested in him until I met the current guy. You are right, I definately want to see where things go before I stray. I am pretty sure talking about other men will cause problems. I certainly don't want to hear about other women. Also, if we continue to sleep together, don't I have the right to request that we be exclusive?
Mary3 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 5 times a day ? That sounds like me ! You go girl !!
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