cabarc1 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 So here is my story... I started dating my first bf/love when i was 21. Everything was amazing, he was the best guy i've ever known. Treated my like a goddess. Now he did screw up a few times which did let negativity enter our relationship. Either way we were together for 5 years and engaged for 2. I started wanting freedom and dreading getting married. I know it sounds selfish but i REALLY was not ready to get married, i just really didn't know anything else. I wasn't 100% sure, i was scared and i wanted to take some space because i knew it was something that wouldn't go away once i was married. It killed me to do it and it devastated him when i did but it had to be done. I knew the risk i was running and i didn't expect him to sit at home and wait for me because even if i wanted him to, i knew it would be selfish to make him. I honestly believed in my heart we would get married just not yet. 5 months went by and i went out with other guys and i started to realize that it wasn't what i expected but it was too late, he met someone else. I of course was devastated, i cried and went through a terrible depression, i begged him to take me back. He mainly ignored me the first 2 months and i finally realized that it wasn't the way to go. I decided to give him his space and have no contact. Well 4 weeks went by and i needed to talk to him in reference to the house we had together (he lived there and i lived with my parents since he pays for the house). That day he totally treated me like i was his gf again, he was kissing on me, telling me how beautiful i looked and how bad he wanted to kiss me. I thought to myself there is no way he is still with that girl and at the end of the night tells me how things are going great with that girl. I cried so bad cause i told him that he totally led me on. He said he was very confused and that he thinks of me all the time and misses me and gets feelings when he sees me. I told him that his confusion couldn't cause me to be confused because it hurt. Well i saw him one more time to say goodbye AGAIN, by now it had been 3 months since he had been with that girl and there were a few times we had kissed (initiated by him, and i know i shouldnt have done it either, shame on me, and we even hooked up twice). I didn't know what to do, i just wanted him back! Well we ended on a good note, i told him i never wanted to hear from him again aslong as he was with that girl cause it killed me. 5 weeks went by and i recieved a text from him which i ignored about it snowing outside and i even saw where he had opened my mail from the DR.s and this xmas eve he sent me over (via my brother) a $200 gift card and baked me a pumpkin pie!! I took it to his house the next day thinking he wasn't coming home because he is basically living with that girl. While i was there he comes home. By now he's been with that girl 5 months and it had been 5 weeks since we had any contact. I started crying because i didn't want to see him but i was trapped. He came in and i told him why i was there. He begged me to keep the stuff because he said he still likes taking care of me. I told him why he CAN'T do that. He chose to be with someone else and said to me in the beginning of seeing her that he was moving on but not ruling me out. Well move the hell on!! You chose that, leave me alone. I told him that he can't have her and still take care of me. It hurts me and i realized this girl has no idea about any communication we've had. I don't understand how he can truly love this girl if he is still giving a crap about me. He should have never moved into another relationship if he has in mind that he hasn't ruled me out. I told him to throw my stuff away since he's never coming back and he said he doesn't think like that. He said that everytime he comes home he hopes to see my carport in the driveway and once he's inside he looks to see if i've left him any messages. Before i left i asked him what that girl would think if i ever asked him for anything because he told me to please do if i ever need anything and he said she wouldn't like it. I asked what she'd think if she knew he was kissing on me and hugging me right then and he said she wouldn't like it. So obviously she has no clue. Right before i left, he grabbed me and we had this really long kiss. Basically all i ended up accomplishing is that he knows i still have feelings for him and i have to start all over again. Since he met that girl all i've done are things to better myself, i bought my own house, i graduated from college 2 years ago and went back to school now to become a teacher and i've done the NC so that i can move on to someone else or atleast heal incase he never does come back. Am i stupid for even wanting him back after he has clearly cheated on her??? If he's been with her for 5 months basically living with her and things are "so great" then why doesn't he let me go? I don't doubt he cares for me but i've had guys tell me that if he really loved her then he wouldn't care about taking care of me and that if she was really "his girl", he wouldn't even be talking to me. I honestly don't think he's stringing me along and believe he is confused but i wonder can she be that great or can he really be in love with her????? One thing is to desire me but it's another thing when you go out of your way to bake me a pie because u know how much i like it and get me a $200 gift card, i think he spent more on me than he did on her. I made it clear he shouldn't talk to me ever unless it was to say he wanted to be with me. Just tell me what's the best thing to do because i'm so sick of crying and hoping he'll come back. And could it be real what he has with this girl???
lilmrcheerful Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hey ya, To be honest, the only thing that comes to mind is how sorry I am feeling for the other girl who's probably really in love with your ex bf and has no clue of this situation and would probably break her heart if she found out, totally underserved. You've been doing the right thing - sort of - but you keep allowing him into a zone where it pushes the boundary a bit. Yes he should stay away, but you should also ensure he does and that means ignoring him completely, or at the very least ignore any communication if it involves your romantic past with him. I would have accepted if he wanted friendship and left it at that, but clearly he has a hard time letting go because I think you've made it very easily for him to keep coming, so of course he's going to keep you in reserve whilst also being with his new gf, he can't lose out can he! But wait.. he can! He's being so careless because he can stand to lose both her and you, if she found out about this she would probably ditch him and in the meantime you could meet someone else in which I am sure you wouldn't do to any future bf what he's been doing to you. He's been showing a complete lack of respect and this needs to be told this, he needs to dedicate his time and energy in what he's committed to and that's to his gf. If he really is sincere in wanting you get back with you, then he should tell his girlfriend the truth, otherwise tell him to leave you alone but making it happen. Good luck
Author cabarc1 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Yeah i know i totally screwed up by letting him get to me and you are right, she does not deserve this but neither do i and that's why i haven't initiated any contact with him. I have ignored him and seeing him the other day was a complete accident, all i wanted was to leave his gift because it wasn't appropriate if he is supposedly moving on. It's like he finds some way to get back in my head. In the end i left him because i wanted to make sure of things but HE decided to move on so he needs to do that. I left the ball in his court, i know not to ever let him disrespect me like that again or being the reason he disrespects her. He says it's goin to be a long time for him to make any decisions for himself and i respect that, so i'm trying to move on. If that's what he wants, he needs to leave me alone. I'm half tempted to tell his gf if he keeps it up, cause i just want to heal but i know in the end it will probably backfire and she might just think i'm a jealous ex.
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