415 Cowboy Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'd really like to hear from the guys and ladies on this one. I've been seeing a wonderful lady that has a country band. I sing with the band and it seems we have a near perfect relationship for the last 3 years. She is going through change of life and it does make it hard on our relationship from time to time. I don't care about that seeing that she is a beautiful woman on the inside and out. I feel that she is totally commited to our relationship and her family tells me that she would never want to be with anyone but me. Now the problem. On New Years Eve, her wealthy brother flew me into Vegas to be with the family. We were all at a very ritzy private party. Just before midnight my G/F pulled me out on the dance floor to dance. As we met up with her family she disappeared into the crowd and I couldn't find her. I stayed with the family and danced waiting for her to come back. I felt like a dork dancing by myself, but it was minutes to midnight and I wanted to be with her. As midnight count down started I went to the side of the dancefloor to see if I could see her. The countdown came and went and I finally saw her with the family. As I was walking up to her I see a 26 year old guy rubbing her back and then he rubs her butt and slaps it and then walks off. She doesn't protest or tell him "no" etc. As a police officer, I had to resist the urge to punch his lights out. When I approached my G/f, I asked what that was about. She said that he thought that she was "a cool aunt". He had been dancing and making out with her sister-in-law and his friend was hitting on her niece. She said that he pulled her over to dance and that her sister-in law(who is 10 yrs younger) was mad because my G/f was dancing with this 26 yr old that was hitting on her. I was pissed and instead of starting a scene, I just said "goodnight " and went back to my room. My G/f later told me that I was a horrible jerk that ruined the evening after her family invited me to New Years. My feeling is that she invited me to fly 500 miles to be with her on New Years and then she loses me right before midnight to have me find some pencilneck rubbing her butt and doing nothing to stop it. Am I wrong to be upset? I love this woman and do not feel that she would ever cheat on me nor I on her. But I admit that I was hurt. Was she just carried away with the moment and drinking and wanted to show her sis-in-law that she still has "it"? Did I over react? I'm old fashioned and believe that a woman should NEVER be touched or handled in an unwanted manner. I feel that she should have told this clown that she was with her B/F and come back to find me as midnight approached. Your opinions please!
lkjh Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 She ditches you right before midnight and flirts with some guy and then he slaps her on the but and somehow you are in the wrong. Dude she needs to get her priorities straight. You have every right to be mad.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hey ya, Firstly, did she have a lot to drink as I don't see you mentioning that, or maybe I missed it? If so, then perhaps her reactions would have been impaired a little, but I still feel that if the other guy pushed the boundary she would have stopped him. Although I can see that it was insensitive of her, I don't think it was deliberate or an indication that she thrives on this or flirts, I think it's a case of getting caught up in the moment of the night, being it new years eve and getting to her head a bit. Although slightly annoying for you to see that, I don't think it's an issue that's worthy of pursuing especially since you both appear to have such a lovely relationship. If this was typical behaviour, then maybe something that urgently required addressing, but on this occasion I think maybe accept it happened put a closure to it with the expectancy of it never happening again. Good luck.
atwitsend Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You were not a jerk. You have just as much a right to tell her "Your family flew me 500 miles. So you could ditch me near midnight and go and let some guy you don't even know rub you and slap your butt. And I'm a jerk? Maybe we're really not as close as I thought.
Author 415 Cowboy Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Everybody had a lot of alcohol, I try to be very conservative because of my job. Ikjh, I'm not trying to make her out to be a "ho", but I don't feel that I should be a "bad guy" because I got upset. Dolce, very wise words too, you are right, if it had gone further, she would have stopped him. I'm always checking myself because I really want this to work!
Bryanp Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You were absolutely not wrong. She horribly disrespected you. What do you think her reaction would have been if you diteched her on the dancing floor right before midnight and she found you with another woman rubbing your shoulders and slapping your butt? She would have felt hugely disrespected. At the very least she sent you a very clear message that you were not a priority for her at midnight on New Years Eve.
MissMae Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I think that while you're totally entitled to your emotions, and should def. talk to her about this, it would also be good to remember that she wasn't the one going after him. If I were in your position, I'd be a lot more angry if she were the one slapping his ass. From your description, it seems like this guy was all over a lot of the women there, some people get really physically flirtatious when they drink, and he seems like one of them. Maybe she didn't protest because she knew that he was just being drunk and rude and thought that it wouldn't accomplish anything. At the same time, most people do enjoy being flirted with, and if she had been drinking too, her inhibitions would have been lowered and she would have been more likely to shrug off behavior like this that might normally offend her. Plus, they're family, which might make "harmless" flirting like this seem more acceptable to them, since clearly they would be expected not to act on anything. I'd say talk to her, but in a calm, mature way that won't make her feel like you're accusing her of anything, or else she'll probably get defensive rather than being able to listen to how you're feeling. Talk about how each of you are feeling rather than passing judgment or trying to prove who is "right." If you understand what her mindset was, maybe you won't feel offended or threatened anymore, and I'm sure if she knows how this type of thing makes you feel she'll be more careful in the future. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship, instead of fighting about who was in the wrong, I think you should try to work through it together so that you guys can be even stronger in the future. Good luck!
2sure Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 She acted inappropriately period. You did the right thing and behaved like a gentleman. You pointed out a boundary that should have been clear without having to explain it. Its not a deal breaker - but yes, without drama tell her this behavior is not attractive in a woman.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 The countdown came and went and I finally saw her with the family. As I was walking up to her I see a 26 year old guy rubbing her back and then he rubs her butt and slaps it and then walks off. She doesn't protest or tell him "no" etc. As a police officer, I had to resist the urge to punch his lights out. I can tell you from experience that you want no part of a woman that lets another guy rub her ass and she doesn't do a thing about it. I was pissed and instead of starting a scene, I just said "goodnight " and went back to my room. My G/f later told me that I was a horrible jerk that ruined the evening after her family invited me to New Years. You didn't ruin a thing. She did. And she ruined it for you. And she could have gotten the alternative. You could have made a huge scene. Tell her that if her family wonders why you went back to your room that you are more than happy to let them know why. I don't think anyone would expect you to be ok with another man rubbing your gf's ass and your gf not doing a thing about it. My feeling is that she invited me to fly 500 miles to be with her on New Years and then she loses me right before midnight to have me find some pencilneck rubbing her butt and doing nothing to stop it. Am I wrong to be upset? You are absolutely NOT wrong to be upset. I would have been. she is lucky that going back to your room is all that you did. Doesn't sound like anyone you should want to carry on with. If she can allow another man to grope her when you are in the same vicinity, just wait til she is partying without you. I love this woman and do not feel that she would ever cheat on me nor I on her. But I admit that I was hurt. Was she just carried away with the moment and drinking and wanted to show her sis-in-law that she still has "it"? Did I over react? I'm old fashioned and believe that a woman should NEVER be touched or handled in an unwanted manner. I feel that she should have told this clown that she was with her B/F and come back to find me as midnight approached. Your opinions please!
lamaman3 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 He slapped her ass...why is that her fault? Women arent delicate flowers - he slapped her ass and walked away - what did you expect her to do - break down in a fit of tears over being violated or start a scene? She probably just wanted to forget about it and enjoy the rest of the evening instead of making a big deal about it.
Author 415 Cowboy Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 They may not be flowers, but they are not common property for any male to as they wish. That conduct at the workplace would get you fired. I didn't expect a crying fit, but a "hey dude keep your hands to yourself" wouldn't have hurt. I'm not saying his actions were her fault, but thanks for the input.
aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 My girlfriend goes around flirting with every man and his uncle. I understand how you feel.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 My G/f later told me that I was a horrible jerk that ruined the evening after her family invited me to New Years. My feeling is that she invited me to fly 500 miles to be with her on New Years and then she loses me right before midnight to have me find some pencilneck rubbing her butt and doing nothing to stop it. Am I wrong to be upset? She disrespected you and your relationship. You NEED to make that clear to her. I would personally go so far as to tell her that you cannot love a woman who does not respect you! Make it very clear what kind of behavior is unnacceptable, otherwise your going to be back here again with the same damn issue. She is trying to flip this back on you. She does not want to accept responsibility for doing anything wrong! Don't let that happen.
Thunder77 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 You sir have much restraint for being OTJ. I would of punched his lights out lol.
ella23 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Am I wrong to be upset? I love this woman and do not feel that she would ever cheat on me nor I on her. But I admit that I was hurt. Was she just carried away with the moment and drinking and wanted to show her sis-in-law that she still has "it"? Did I over react? I'm old fashioned and believe that a woman should NEVER be touched or handled in an unwanted manner. I feel that she should have told this clown that she was with her B/F and come back to find me as midnight approached. Your opinions please! No, you did not over react. There is nothing old fashioned about believing that a woman should not be touched inappropriately, it is absolutely right. You have every right to be upset and make her understand how hurt you are.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 My girlfriend goes around flirting with every man and his uncle. I understand how you feel. So does mine. Mate honestly don't worry, it's her loss and she can't complain when she gets stung, and she will. You are a decent guy, as I am, and believe me girls who don't appreciate this learn the hard way. Take care man
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 He slapped her ass...why is that her fault? His actions are not her fault. The problem is her refusal to put a stop to another man rubbing her ass. she allowed him to touch her inappropriately. Women arent delicate flowers - he slapped her ass and walked away - what did you expect her to do - break down in a fit of tears over being violated or start a scene? When he was rubbing her ass, anyone would expect their SO to say, at the very least, "watch the hands"
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 You sir have much restraint for being OTJ. I would of punched his lights out lol. I understand the desire to do just that, however I wouldn't have. But if someone in his position would like to punch the guy's lights out for rubbing her ass, what would be her just deserts for allowing another man to grope her and probably seemed to enjoy it? Obviously hitting a woman is unacceptable, hitting anyone is unacceptable unless in defense. But if someone is that angry at the man for doing it, he should be equally as mad at her for allowing it and thinking its acceptable behavior.
mental_traveller Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 You were absolutely not wrong. She horribly disrespected you. What do you think her reaction would have been if you diteched her on the dancing floor right before midnight and she found you with another woman rubbing your shoulders and slapping your butt? She would have felt hugely disrespected. At the very least she sent you a very clear message that you were not a priority for her at midnight on New Years Eve. I agree. Dump the cheating bitch. She didn't even have the gumption to apologize for being unfaithful.
mental_traveller Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 He slapped her ass...why is that her fault? Women arent delicate flowers - he slapped her ass and walked away - what did you expect her to do - break down in a fit of tears over being violated or start a scene? She probably just wanted to forget about it and enjoy the rest of the evening instead of making a big deal about it. Minimum necessary reaction to avoid instant dumping from the bf - slap the molester or kick him in the balls. Preferred reaction - do the above, then file charges for sexual assault and send the guy to jail.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Minimum necessary reaction to avoid instant dumping from the bf - slap the molester or kick him in the balls. Preferred reaction - do the above, then file charges for sexual assault and send the guy to jail. Well, a simple, "keep your hands to yourself", or brushing his hand away when he was rubbing her ass would have sufficed. But she didn't want to because she liked the attention and could care less about her boyfriend.
Aquamarisa Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Wow I can't believe how harsh you guys are! I mean, it's certainly not the coolest thing she could have done but at the same time, to break up an otherwise good relationship is just stupid. It's possible that you are all right and she just "liked the attention." Or maybe she was trying to keep the peace and not make a huge scene at a family function. You really can't know and why shouldn't she get the benefit of the doubt? Women are handled inappropriately at parties or bars or even just riding the subway and we don't make a big deal about it because it's a huge pain in the ass. Usually, the best thing to do is just to walk away and try to avoid the guy. Women don't enjoy this kind of attention, it's awkward and disgusting but some guys just can't keep their hands to themselves. I agree she probably could have been more sensitive to your feelings about it, but she was might have just been trying to play down what happened so you wouldn't feel angry at the guy or at her. It sounds like the night was pretty bad for her (getting groped and then having your bf pissed), so that could explain her anger. It's really hard to say for sure what exactly happened and what her intentions were. But if you trust her and you love her, I don't see why you shouldn't take her word for it.
samsungxoxo Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Yes it can be upseting but after a while, maybe you can cool down and realize she was having fun, afterall it was New Year's eve, a special occassion. Minimum necessary reaction to avoid instant dumping from the bf - slap the molester or kick him in the balls. Preferred reaction - do the above, then file charges for sexual assault and send the guy to jail. Overdoing it don't ya think??? It's about learning how to have fun and take a joke.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Yes it can be upseting but after a while, maybe you can cool down and realize she was having fun, afterall it was New Year's eve, a special occassion. Overdoing it don't ya think??? It's about learning how to have fun and take a joke. Having fun is one thing. Letting another man grope you when you're in a relationship and being OK with it is another, especially when your SO is in the vecinity. I'd leave her just because it shows her lack of respect for you and the relationship. Imagine what would go down if her and this guy were alone for some reason.
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