Catt2061 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I am a newly single man with no kids and never been married in his early 30's. I have become reacquainted with a girl that I knew and always liked in high school. She has 2 kids and newly divorced, we have talked and met up for drinks for about a month now. We decided to spend a weekend away dining out and a hotel. We did get to know each other again and better. She is everything I have ever dreamed of in a women, we have everything in common and treats a man great. She left her husband because he was obsessed with the children and forgot about her needs. I fullfill all of her needs and more, she said I am a dream. My questions is I have never dated a women with kids before, can people give me any pointers???????? I am worried about the interaction of the kids and I and her. Her kids seem very well behaved and has manners from what she has told me. She doesn't want me to meet the kids until I know for sure we want to date. She doesn't want to introduce her kids to a guy that isn't going to stick around. She is in her early 30s also and doesn't really want anymore kids, I myself am not sure if I want kids. I worry will I be satisfied with her kids as my children, even though they aren't. I just keep think how great she is and how well we match.
fromfaraway Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I think that being oneself around the kids is the best strategy, particularly if you are thinking long term.... In your case I think that the real issue is the rebound. You mentioned she is recently divorced. Her affection for you maybe genuine, but when people are rebounding they just into new relationships too deeply, too quickly...proceed with care Most importantly, good luck
lilmrcheerful Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hey ya. I think it's important for the children never to feel that their dad was being replaced and that you would become a friend to them, rather like someone of an uncle or bigger brother that type of thing. I would also not try too hard around them because they would expect this all the time, especially if they are young, and then when they don't get the attention you first provided they will start to unintentionally look negatively at you. Certainly, try to avoid their dislikes and get to know what they love to do and show an interest in it even if you don't know anything about it, children feel very excited when they feel they can show you something, makes them feel useful, respected and listened to, plus it's fun! Anyway that's what I would do if I was about to date someone with children. All the best.
movingonandon Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I am a newly single man with no kids and never been married in his early 30's. I have become reacquainted with a girl that I knew and always liked in high school. She has 2 kids and newly divorced, we have talked and met up for drinks for about a month now. We decided to spend a weekend away dining out and a hotel. We did get to know each other again and better. She is everything I have ever dreamed of in a women, we have everything in common and treats a man great. She left her husband because he was obsessed with the children and forgot about her needs. I fullfill all of her needs and more, she said I am a dream. My questions is I have never dated a women with kids before, can people give me any pointers???????? I am worried about the interaction of the kids and I and her. Her kids seem very well behaved and has manners from what she has told me. She doesn't want me to meet the kids until I know for sure we want to date. She doesn't want to introduce her kids to a guy that isn't going to stick around. She is in her early 30s also and doesn't really want anymore kids, I myself am not sure if I want kids. I worry will I be satisfied with her kids as my children, even though they aren't. I just keep think how great she is and how well we match. The scenario you describe (know each other for a long time, proven good woman etc.) is the only one under which I personally would consider dating a woman with kids. I realise that it is extremely unfair to the single moms, and many of them demonstrate incredible strenght of character, but there are plenty of other reasons why kids are a deal-breaker in a clean slate dating, at least in our age group. (Basically, dating is complicated enough without all the baggage that inevitably comes with kids...) But you two seem to be doing great. Don't obsess over the kids. Just treat them like real persons and pay *real* attention to them. It doesn't matter that much what you actually do/talk about with them. No gushing, no "i'm your new dad" etc., just have a good time...
Author Catt2061 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 I have known her for about 17 years and still talked to her over those years when I saw her out. I do know her pretty good, just not all the details of her life after high school. I really do like her, I too am worried about jumping in head first and going to quick in the relationship. The kid thing does bother me a little, but I have never really been around many kids. She had talked to me about flying down with her to see her mom and step dad in Florida in May. I think she has went a little to fast into the relationship, but some of it is my fault. I am some what bothered about getting intimate with her when we went away for a weekend I created a connection. We have skipped the normal uncomfortable dating scenario since we do know each other, so that was nice to not have to go through the awkward steps.
Jilly Bean Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I don't know why you would want to take on such baggage. Your relationship with her will never be just you and her. It will be you, her kids, and her ex. Are you prepared for the (presumed) drama from her ex coming around, and dealing with her custody and child support issues? Of course, if you marry her, then she loses all support from the ex, and you will then be financially responsible for all of them as well. I dunno - for a young and single guy, I don't know why you would sign on for this. I'd find someone unencumbered if I were you.
AlektraClementine Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 On Jan 16th, I will have made it through the 1st year in my new relationship. More importantly, my boyfriend did. He's single, 35, never married, no kids. I am 31, divorced, 2 children (6 and 8). I can definitely give you a few pointers. First of all you're on the right track. You hit on 2 very key points. 1) Children's father is a good dad= You don't have to be. 2) She wants to wait for the introduction = she isn't expected you to pick up any slack here. So here are a few pointers. Wait as long as she wants to for the introduction. I waited 6 months. When you are introduced, and if you are a cool enough guy, expect for these children to really take a liking to you. If they have loving parents already, you won't be seen as a threat and they might take to you very easily. Realize that children have the energy of a terrier and if there is one thing my boyfriend annoyed me with at first was his exhaustion with playing in 20 minutes. He was new to this and over time has gotten conditioned (haha). Don't over do it with them at first with respect to gifts and the like. Plan a few special kid friendly activities and make sure to put a smile on your face. Mom is going to want to feel like you are not scared out of your mind. If you are, that's okay. Just talk to her about your fears. But NOT when you're with the kids. Feel free to ask me any specific questions. I won't lie to you. This is not a cake walk. I think only very special relationships need to be exposed to the kids. My current BF is the ONLY man I have ever introduced to my children since the divorce. It was awkward and rough at first but it has become quite pleasant to spend time with BF and children at the same time. I do think my anxiety about it was higher than his most of the time!! Hey folks- try to refrain from referring to kids as "baggage". I read a lot of your posts on here and some of you who have no children to speak of, have what I'd describe as baggage (i.e. personality issues) that you bring to the relationship that are far more of a struggle than having to play with fun, happy, little angelic children.
sultry33 Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 I think the main issue here will be later on if you do feel you want a child if she was unable or unwilling to. This is i think a reason to think very carefully my last rs was 4yrs but during that time i felt like i was robbing my bf the chance to have his own kids.. it hurt me alot as im unable to have any now. I made the decision that no matter what id only have rs with guy who has kids already. The weekend away imo it was obvouis you would get intimate.. ? 17 yrs is along time to know someone though so take it slow and address any issues straight away.
Author Catt2061 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 That is one thing I do worry about is that if I want kids. In my age group in my area in IL, it is tough to find a women that doesn't have a kid or kids. If you drive 2 hours north to Chicago there are 30 year old women everywhere with no kids.
melodymatters Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I don't know why you would want to take on such baggage. Your relationship with her will never be just you and her. It will be you, her kids, and her ex. Are you prepared for the (presumed) drama from her ex coming around, and dealing with her custody and child support issues? Of course, if you marry her, then she loses all support from the ex, and you will then be financially responsible for all of them as well. I dunno - for a young and single guy, I don't know why you would sign on for this. I'd find someone unencumbered if I were you. Just one point : It is INSANE to say that "she will lose all support from her ex" ! She could marry prince harry and the ex will still have to pay the court mandated child support. As far as wether you should go for it. Ask yourself how you would feel if you left her and never found anyone as special ? It sounds like you have a great foundation. I would take it day by day.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 . I made the decision that no matter what id only have rs with guy who has kids already. . I already have children from a previous marriage and I think I should have thought about this too, as I miss my children and my current children never wants kids so i'm a quandry a little as I love children and want to be around them.
Gere51 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I have no kids, but have no qualms against dating a women with them. Just for the record, my last girlfriend whom I truly loved, had four kids and I adored every single one of them. To my disbelief, she ended our relationship back in May claiming that she didn't think I could handle being a stepfather. Came totally out of the blue, but one thing's for certain; there is not one thing I would not have done for her or her kids.
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