kimberelly Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 hello everyone preface: the story about us and why we broke up damn, i spent 5 years of my life with this guy. not just a guy, but my friend. and not just a friend but an amazing person. someone who didn't just blindly pat me on the back or coddle me by their side as their trophy but someone who pushed me and helped me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. someone who wanted to see me grow; even if it meant i would surpass them in some arenas. this was so refreshing to me...to find a guy who was passionate and knowledgeable about what he believed in with out being arrogant or condescending and in fact was kind. a guy who was optimistic even in the ****tiest of times yet always played devils advocate in the best of times. no he wasn't romantic; he didn't buy me roses or make me candlelit dinners. he didn't once buy me a valentines day gift or jewelry. he didn't tell me i was the most "beautiful girl in the world" or pay for expensive getaways to impress me. (his way of winning me over? discussing neuroscience and teaching me to play chess! lol.) in fact, he never told me he loved me. now wait a second! i know this sounds quite the opposite of what women find attractive. but i respected these things about him because of the reasoning that came with them (and yeah, i'm human, there were moments when these things pissed me off, but it's true that:) buying roses and gifts are just a symbol for showing love, i'm not the most beautiful girl in the world because beauty is only in the eye of the beholder (objectively speaking) and there are plenty of other women who are more beautiful than i (and yes he did compliment my looks but he never did it in an idolizing way). and as far as love goes - it is such a twisted word and around that "special" time where it starts to come into play in a relationship i was very jaded with the word love because of the weakness i associated with it. (ie. "i'm sorry i messed up, but it's ok because i love you"), i also had seen it used overbearingly and too frequently as a comfort device, or an argument starter (ie. having to say i love you every 5 seconds or "you forgot to say you loved me"). So I asked him what he thought about it and he asked me, "do you think I love you? You decide that by how I treat you, and if you don't feel that I do then there is a deeper issue at hand which requires more than the word love. And if you do feel loved then requiring a certain word to be spoken to prove it is unnecessary." And I concurred. So after a while the lack of romance did get to me (or so I thought). I blew up over small things easily; things that didn't even really matter - like dirty laundry or dishes. I became self conscious about his job (part time, low paying) and his level of motivation to succeed in a career (college drop out)...and wondered about his ability to one day raise a family. I felt like I was doing all the work basically. I worked full time, went to school full time, cooked, cleaned and the whole nine yards. Admittedly I am a bit of an over achiever by nature so I tried not to become angry at him just because he wasn't like me. After all, he was SO laid back. He showed me a lot about patience and self control. And he listened; he didn't just hear what someone said - he listened, reflected and tried to contribute something beneficial. He was very open minded and when you talked to him you always felt like he understood you - and he did - even though he didn't always agree. Not just with me, but with everyone. And the cool thing was if he didn't agree, there was always a damn good justification for why and he would stand his ground, while maintaining his cool and remaining humble. He was very trusting, loyal, and never jealous; he was confident enough in himself to realize that you can't control someone else and if it's meant to work out it will. Possessiveness and desperation were not traits of his by any means. He was a philosopher, a full time philosopher, maybe that's the best way to describe it. He was relentless though! And sometimes it was damn annoying. He was always pushing and questioning and mulling over the small details. After a while you just wanted to say "can't you just let it go!!! so what i believe something different" - no he wouldn't go with that - you better have a good reason why or an unlimited amount of patience and willingness to look at yourself objectively because this guy could defend his points all night with lots of data to back up his claims. these small details that seemed not to matter linked to his grand philosophy of life; and they mattered to him. So what happened? Well, I got lazy. Sure I worked my ass off with school, work etc but I mean I got lazy towards him. I stopped respecting him on some levels and I don't even really know why, but I did. I think I kind of gave up on myself; or maybe I pushed myself too hard. I just took all of his prodding too personally and felt inadequate - like I could never be right. I wondered why he was even with me; I felt like maybe there was someone better than me for him - someone who "got it". Sometimes I wished he would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to leave him because I couldn't justify leaving him, but I wanted to. Just like with anyone once you start to act aggressively or disrespectfully towards someone you're bound to get it back on some level - and it's a perpetuating cycle; and that's what I did. And once I put myself in this destructive mindset for a long period of time I eventually became tempted with romance...and sex which had basically disappeared from the relationship over time. So I was easily flattered away by someone whom I idealized as a perfect guy very quickly with out really even taking time to find out if my perception of this other guy was accurate (Not to say that he wasn't a nice guy, but I was definitely not in the right mindset to even really think about the aftermath clearly). I justified cheating because I had let my frustration build for so long with out knowing any other way to let it escape. I knew that this would be "the end"; I knew I had to face the music eventually and I was so frozen in fear that was the best way I knew how. And granted in the moment I felt completely justified and self righteous about my actions, but looking back it makes me feel so sick to have done this to me ex, especially in such an abrupt way. stage 1: the denial stage at any rate we were living together at the time that i broke up with him and we continued to do so for a couple of months afterwards until we both got our finances and new places. during that time we still had an attraction for each other but i knew i had hurt him very deeply (understandably) and he was pretty jaded about the whole thing. we both still had some resentment towards each other (after all i felt justified in my reasons for breaking up with him - ableit i could have done it in a much more sound way) but nevertheless the attraction was still there. after i moved out we still continued to stay in contact with each other and have sex semi-frequently. at one point (in september) we ended up talking about the past and he asked more about my feelings about what led to the break up...and i told him how i didn't feel loved or appreciated - i felt like i did so much to help him and that it wasn't reciprocated - and how there was sexual tension between us.. at that time i was dating someone (he was aware of that). anyway he ended up telling me that he loved me (which was pretty significant because we had an agreement that lasted through out the 5 years not to say the word love - long story) and we made love...and it was a beautiful night in retrospect because we both got to pour out a lot of buried emotion from the break up. so after a few more weeks i begin to realize more and more how much i miss my ex (we still talked but i mean how i missed coming home to him everyday and being able pass the time with him around...he's an interesting guy to be around...very smart, i felt like i really connected with him). so i come to this breaking point where i end up distancing and breaking up with the guy i was dating because i knew i wasn't completely over my ex and there were things about him that i started to realize as time went on and once i saw us in the big picture i just felt that it wouldn't work long term..and through out those months after i moved out i had slowly began to realize all of the things i had taken forgranted about him... and i couldn't come to terms with the thought of losing him...and i didn't understand or know if a friendship would work or if it would last... but i really felt that i wanted him to be a part of my life. i was so confused, but my attraction for him kept growing. and with this i couldn't bear the thought of being with another guy. i wanted him, i felt like i could grow old with him. i started remembering all of the things i didn't think through clearly about what a break up entailed...with someone whom i had grown so comfortable and close with through all those years. stage 2: the objective realization of my actions stage so what did i do? well, after i became single again i spent a lot of time thinking about us and what went wrong... and with this thinking came me catching up on a more objective level what i had done... i had taken my own insecurities about myself and instead of finding a more positive route to express them (because communication was also a weakness of mine that i realized) i had clumsily violated his trust and respect as a means of expressing myself... i had blinded myself to the qualities i admired so deeply in him and easily overlooked certain qualities of the person whom i had cheated on him with. i was weak...and i let my weakness in character damage others. no i hadn't done it on purpose..but i did it. and now there was a possiblity that i had destroyed a relationship with someone whom i cared deeply about forever. at this point i was in objective thinking mode - which means i was able to see myself clearly from an outside perspective without much emotional relation to myself or to him. we had less frequently talked to each other at this point (mid to end october) and i got back in touch with him to express to him my realizations and thoughts and that i wanted to keep the lines of communication open. at this point i wasn't very sure what would happen or what to expect but he did listen to what i had to say and he opened his heart enough to let me express these things and to keep in contact so we could see how things rolled out (as friends at this point) which i am so beyond grateful for. stage 3: the "let's be friends! wait - can we just be friends?" stage. we were friends but it felt weird. i didn't know if we could or should be friends anymore and i wasn't sure if i was just being sucked back into wanting to be with him for illogical reasons which i couldn't see clearly. stage 4: the "ohmygod how do i get him back" stage. after focusing my thoughts to the situation i felt overwhelmed with desire to be back with him. i probably called him too much, i probably told him too much and i probably didn't remain calm enough for him to reconsider getting back together but i wanted it more than ever. i felt unhealthily consumed with thoughts about him stage 5: the self help stage ok so i had realized that part of the reasoning for my cheating and for my unhappiness in the relationship was because i was weak. i didn't know for certain my exact weakness but i searched and scoured the internet and advice for ideas. i learned a lot of very useful things that strengthened my self awareness and useful tips for how to strengthen myself internally so that i would not be entirely consumed by outside forces which are uncontrollable in life (ie. relationships and/or making another have a desire for you). during this stage i also read a lot of BAD advice - try to keep a clear and open mind and find what makes the most sense and works best for you if you go this route. stage 6: the guilt stage i felt more ashamed and embarrassed than ever for what i had done to him in retrospect... the nights he spent alone thinking about what i did to him. how callously it must have come across... how easily i seemed to get over it at first... the hit i gave to his pride and the hurt i caused ... god. i was a mess. i felt terrible for how i handled the situation. i couldn't believe how that i acted the way i did. i felt awkward around him. i felt awkward around myself. it was hard to wake up in the morning. i apologized to him many different times for what i had done and expressed my difficulty to come to terms with myself. and especially when i realized how gracefully he handled it in comparison to myself. stage 7: the i love myself and i love him - where to go from here? stage i know i dont want to live the rest of my life feeling regretful (even though i do feel it was important to have periods of regretfulness). i want to be happy - and i realize that i need to focus on neutral things (not romantic relationships) that lead to my self improvement. i realize that by doing so i will be more poised to attract positive and useful people and opportunities into my life. feeling regretful or sad is only useful when one can pick up and move forward with a plan to change things for the better in the future. i've told him how i feel and i love spending time with him. i'm sure i've overcalled or overtexted at certain points and driven him further away than i would have if i would have picked up my drum sticks instead. but despite all of that he still spends time with me, we still talk, and the more in control i am of myself the more our attraction grows towards each other. i love him, i love spending time with him, i love talking about neuroscience and philosophy with him, i love how i always feel comfortable around him...and i am so grateful for these things about him which i can't even put into words but i just feel so connected and at ease with him; i can imagine growing old with him. most recently i have been confused about who has the role of initiating the way back into a relationship. is it him? if it is i can sense how he would be hesitant to set himself back into a situation where he may (even if only subconsciously) feel that he may be taken advantage of. is it me? i don't feel that i have any room to be pushy or rush him into a decision about us. i want to prove day to day through consistency of choice and actions that i am grateful for the qualities he has, that i am grateful for myself, and that i have and can change. i want us to both walk away with dignity and respect for ourselves. i don't want there to be guilt involved in the decision.... only mutual love, kindness and respect. i feel that if i truly love him i must accept his wishes of whether or not to be with me. at the same time i don't want to be taken advantage of. but where i am now is this... i hope that there is a chance for us to get back together... but i feel uncomfortable saying this because i want for us to flow back together and not to be forced out of insecurity of guilt to be back together. i don't want to sit around hoping and praying that he'll come back to me even though i believe that we are very compatible on many different levels. i think he feels the same or i don't believe he would continue to be in almost day to day contact with me after all of this. (we lived in texas and then moved to va to be closer to my family - after the break up he chose to stay in va - dont' know if that necessarily means anything). we ended up having sex the other day and it was really good, but it was strange to know if it was ok to kiss him...or how to act the next time i saw him. we were never a touchy-feely couple in most day to day interactions but it's weird knowing where the line is drawn for showing physical displays of affection while we are in an unknown relationship status. we both still have a really great time when we're together, and i think a lot of things have even strengthened. i think that we're both just hesitant about where it should go from here. so where does it go from here? who should be contacting and initiating what? how do we both maintain enough closeness/distance to make things work? is there a possibility for reconciliation? more than likely these are questions that can't be answered but i guess i'm just looking for some feedback. i'd like to grow and learn from this situation and move forward with this as a stronger person.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 you seem to know a lot about how you feel. but what about how he feels? you broke up with him. if you want to get back together, you're going to have to play ball and let him know this.
Author kimberelly Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 how am i suppose to let him know? he's not the kind of guy who is necessarily going to sit there and pour out his romantic feelings; he's never been like that. he's more of a take it step by step, day by day, steady easy going type of guy. there's a part of me that would love to sit down and have a heart to to heart talk with him but i think that i've told him enough of how i feel over the past months. and especially since we've been spending a lot of time together recently...in a way it feels like we are getting to know each other again. i don't want to ruin my chances of things working out between us by being too expressive verbally or needy. i don't want to push him away... but i want him to know i'm seriously interested. i understand that he is probably pretty hesitant to make a commitment... but i just don't know how to approach this (as far as who the initiator should be for getting back together)... should i let him take the lead?
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