if your happy and you know it ...think again , rant

January 4, 2009

im sick of all this , im sick of going through this roller coaster

ill be fine perfectly happy for a string of time, then randomly everything crashes around me

I miss her, I care about her, but I cant let her know that because she would make my life hell is she knew I had anything left for her

when I told her never to contact me again it felt really good , but now it just rips at me

I thought I had managed to get through the storm of feelings, then randomly she will pop in conversation between my friends ( she has the same friends as me ) and my stomach will turn in on itself, I get sick , I just want to lay down and sleep forever

what gets me the most is that she hates me , why? because I dont want to be her friend ? why cant she just wish me the best instead of hating me

to quote a tool song

My compassion is broken now.

My will is eroded now,

and my desire is broken now

and it makes me feel ugly.

anyway, today was not a friendly day for me , I just needed to let this out somewhere

any feedback is appreciated

January 4, 2009

what gets me the most is that she hates me , why? because I dont want to be her friend ? why cant she just wish me the best instead of hating me

Isn't it funny how they say they still want to be friends right after the break-up. I told my ex "How can I be your friend when I am still your lover?"

It is impossible for us to just turn off our love and feelings for someone. We can't go from "This is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with." to "This is a person who I will talk to occasionally."

It is like taunting us. "Here is what you want, but can't have"

January 5, 2009

Yeah, I'm on the same rollercoaster right now. I felt great all yesterday afternoon and evening. Then I woke up after dreaming about him and I feel lost. Went out with a friend for a few hours which was nice. But as soon as I got in my car to leave, I started to cry. It's really hard to control.

I've been through one other serious & hurtful break up before, so I know that it does get easier...it just doesn't feel like that right now.

January 5, 2009

I miss her, I care about her, but I cant let her know that because she would make my life hell is she knew I had anything left for her
when I told her never to contact me again it felt really good , but now it just rips at me

to quote a tool song

My compassion is broken now.
My will is eroded now,
and my desire is broken now
and it makes me feel ugly.

Did you break up with her or the other way around? How would she make your life hell?

From the other side of someone rejected AND not offered any kind of friendship. Well, I "hate" him because I was offered no explaination for no contact - I was told I did nothing wrong. He told me that he couldn't give me an answer as to "why". He was cold and makes it impossible for us to both be in the same place at the same time. In my estimation he either loved me and needed time (fine) or thinks I am a complete a$$. If its the former - well pft... whatever, he made his bed (chose to walk away and not fight for us) and we have the same friends. C'est la vive. We both need to be adults and move on and this is how it is. We both need to just learn to be okay with one another in a new context - but he cant and subsequently I am left out very often.

If it is the latter - he could have just let me know and we could be cordial in the presence of others. Hell, he doesnt have to like me. I don't care one way or the other. He's been such a jerk! I would be nice if I didn't have to be left out or worry when it comes to our friends and events.

Sometimes you simply have to deal with that person being in your life in some way. You need to work on healing so that someday your mutual friends will not be an issue. Once you reach indifference it won't feel so bad. I'm sorry to hear that it hurts you but it passes and someday the thought or mention of her wont feel like anything much if at all.

If its any consolation I used to feel the same way and now I couldn't care less. I don't want his freindship. I'd prefer not to see him because I know he will act like an idiot - but I don't really care. It would just be annoying.

GL to you. It ends-I promise. Cudos on the Tool! niiiiice.

Edit: Read your backstory. She hurt you. You don't have to be her friend after that. I agree with you about faith. What is funny to me is that some people with so much faith in religion or God can be so faithless when it comes to love. I'm sorry SY. Just hang on.

January 5, 2009

ah I know it all to well, I told my ex I don't want to be her friend and she got so angry at me, why are the ones who cheat and break your heart the angry ones? like what did I do to you besides loving you with all my heart and soul.

But they don't even care about you that much to know being friends eats at your inside, those vermin scum.

January 5, 2009

How would she make your life hell?

.

I always figured she didnt sincerely want friendship she just wanted me around as a security blanket or whatever

If she knew I still cared and had feelings , I feel she would just do her best to hurt me

January 5, 2009

. Then I woke up after dreaming about him and I feel lost. Went out with a friend for a few hours which was nice. But as soon as I got in my car to leave, I started to cry. It's really hard to control.

.

dreams , my own personal hell....only on occasion though , I hate dreaming about her and waking up and realizing it was all just bull****

January 5, 2009

I always figured she didnt sincerely want friendship she just wanted me around as a security blanket or whatever

Is there something that she did in specific that made you think that?

If she knew I still cared and had feelings , I feel she would just do her best to hurt me

Why would she want to hurt you when she broke it off? Some people are so cold! That's an awful feeling for you I'm sure. Sadly as log as you feel that way she can hurt you even if it isn't intentional. I hope someday you can not have that fear.

January 5, 2009

ah I know it all to well, I told my ex I don't want to be her friend and she got so angry at me, why are the ones who cheat and break your heart the angry ones? like what did I do to you besides loving you with all my heart and soul.

They are angry at us because they are angry at themselves. There's a phenomena called "cognitive dissonance". When a person makes a decision, questions it afterwards and can't fully comprehend why they made that choice, they try to find reasons to support their decision. It's the same thing as why cheating wives feel extreme anger towards their husbands. They need to find a reason to support making the other choice (knowing it was completely wrong thing to do), and thus will put blame on you and will try to convince themselves they never liked you, that you are wrong person for them and that you don't deserve them.

Another example: you're in a store and see two things of equal value, and you need both of them, but you have the money only for one. You buy it and once you're home, you start regretting and wondering whether you made the right choice, but the anxiety becomes so great that you convince yourself that "the other thing wasn't really that good".

It's not a disorder, it's a defense mechanism built into humans to help deal with anxiety. When you have two opposing statements presented, you would feel anxiety unless you side with one statement. It's been observed in many lab tests, it's normal and natural that people respond like that.

After dumping good people like us, who loved them, ex's are presented with two lines of though:

I'm a piece of sh*t person for doing this, I hate myself, the other guy is worth nothing, I'm terrible and I made a mistake
My ex is a pathetic and weak person, I'm sure there is something better for me out there, I despise my ex; I feel nothing but contempt

See? They need to side with either, otherwise they would go crazy. Some exs side with the #1 decision and they come crawling back. Most have their egos so inflated, they would never admit their mistake. It's the way things work.

January 7, 2009

Is there something that she did in specific that made you think that?

as log as you feel that way she can hurt you even if it isn't intentional.

1. thats just how shes acted since I told her I couldnt be her friend, I dont initiate contact , and when there is its always her and its always to put me down in some way , from what my friends say , she wants to me to react back at her with anger

2. I know, and its sad, its my own little trap

January 8, 2009

1. thats just how shes acted since I told her I couldnt be her friend, I dont initiate contact , and when there is its always her and its always to put me down in some way , from what my friends say , she wants to me to react back at her with anger

2. I know, and its sad, its my own little trap

Eventually she will get the point and go away. Does it really matter if she hates you? You don't want her around anyway and even if she was nice as pie about all of it you still wouldn't ever speak to her again because you are hurt and do not want to be around her. Just keep ignoring her. You are doing fine.

I know I am pointing out the obvious but sometimes it helps to hear it form the outside. She is just reacting - and as surfer said resolving dissonance - don't let it get to you. Do you. Know what I mean?

January 8, 2009

Hey man it is tough, we all know. We have all been on this rollercoaster ride. The thing is there is an end, so keep at it. You said you didn't want her to know, but it should really be because she doesn't deserve to know. If you want this ride to end, don't do anything to set you back. Stay positive and take control of your life. You are always welcome to vent it out at LS! Don't forget the "..instead of contacting your ex" thread. I am a regular there.

January 8, 2009

They are angry at us because they are angry at themselves. There's a phenomena called "cognitive dissonance". When a person makes a decision, questions it afterwards and can't fully comprehend why they made that choice, they try to find reasons to support their decision. It's the same thing as why cheating wives feel extreme anger towards their husbands. They need to find a reason to support making the other choice (knowing it was completely wrong thing to do), and thus will put blame on you and will try to convince themselves they never liked you, that you are wrong person for them and that you don't deserve them.

Another example: you're in a store and see two things of equal value, and you need both of them, but you have the money only for one. You buy it and once you're home, you start regretting and wondering whether you made the right choice, but the anxiety becomes so great that you convince yourself that "the other thing wasn't really that good".

It's not a disorder, it's a defense mechanism built into humans to help deal with anxiety. When you have two opposing statements presented, you would feel anxiety unless you side with one statement. It's been observed in many lab tests, it's normal and natural that people respond like that.

Thanks a lot fr this. Now I know why she is so mad at me all the time.

January 8, 2009

They are angry at us because they are angry at themselves. There's a phenomena called "cognitive dissonance". When a person makes a decision, questions it afterwards and can't fully comprehend why they made that choice, they try to find reasons to support their decision. It's the same thing as why cheating wives feel extreme anger towards their husbands. They need to find a reason to support making the other choice (knowing it was completely wrong thing to do), and thus will put blame on you and will try to convince themselves they never liked you, that you are wrong person for them and that you don't deserve them.

Another example: you're in a store and see two things of equal value, and you need both of them, but you have the money only for one. You buy it and once you're home, you start regretting and wondering whether you made the right choice, but the anxiety becomes so great that you convince yourself that "the other thing wasn't really that good".

It's not a disorder, it's a defense mechanism built into humans to help deal with anxiety. When you have two opposing statements presented, you would feel anxiety unless you side with one statement. It's been observed in many lab tests, it's normal and natural that people respond like that.

After dumping good people like us, who loved them, ex's are presented with two lines of though:

I'm a piece of sh*t person for doing this, I hate myself, the other guy is worth nothing, I'm terrible and I made a mistake
My ex is a pathetic and weak person, I'm sure there is something better for me out there, I despise my ex; I feel nothing but contempt
See? They need to side with either, otherwise they would go crazy. Some exs side with the #1 decision and they come crawling back. Most have their egos so inflated, they would never admit their mistake. It's the way things work.

I really like reading your posts. It sounds like you have been doind alot of self-work and really trying to understand the nature of people and relationships. I have also been diving in to books and reasoning my way into having better coping skills. That was actually my new years resolution. "Be more comfortable alone"

In the push and pull of relationships thier is a similar cycle. It is almost identical every time. The way we as men or women cope with that rejection can make the pain of the loss affect us more or less in our daily lives.

If I "chase" a woman after I am rejected(by calling,texting,emailing,etc), I am saying loud and clear that i am not a strong man or a worthy partner. A woman wants a man who can survive without her. She does not want a Needy child who "must" have her, or "has" to talk to her. After a breakup or if "seeing" someone doesn't work out a very important detachment needs to take place for a clarity on both sides of the relationship. Both partners get a good look into what they are missing if strict NC is implemented shortly after a break. This needs to happen shortly.

** Second chances can be asked for, breakup sex might happen, hard goodbyes are said, but when a decision has been made by one party,

A mental break needs to be taken. You need to test your coping skills and be without communication for a period of time. The period of time is irrelevant.

If you were on the short side of the stick and got dumped, you MUST not call this other person. One drop of communication will bring down your coping wall. One text unanswered by your ex will send you into an altered state of need. You have to use every situation that does not work out to prove to yourself you are ok with yourself.

Ls will help you flex your coping skills.

January 8, 2009

Isn't it funny how they say they still want to be friends right after the break-up. I told my ex "How can I be your friend when I am still your lover?"

It is impossible for us to just turn off our love and feelings for someone. We can't go from "This is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with." to "This is a person who I will talk to occasionally."

It is like taunting us. "Here is what you want, but can't have"

I agree. The ones that do the "breaking up" can't seem to comprehend that it is difficult for the other person to "just be friends" after having shared so many intimate memories and experiences.

My stbxh has made it a point that he still wants me to be a part of his life because I'm his "best" and "only" friend. Well, 1) you don't f*ck your friends over, but that's another story in itself. Anyway, initially...ideally, I, too, still wanted him to be a part of my life; to remain "friends" with him. I find it difficult to do that when I still have strong feelings for him. So I go NC. One day we briefly spoke and he had told me how he's having a difficult time w/ having NC with me. I had told him earlier that I wasn't ready; I wasn't ready to be his friend. Then he said to me..."We can never be 'just friends', I know too much about you to be 'just friends'".......

Well, sh*t dude, you can't have it both ways! If we can't be "just friends", what the hell can we be? Apparently, we can't be husband and wife either....so what's inbetween?!?!?

God, he frustrates me! Most of the ones doing the break up that think it's so easy to remain "friends", are only doing it for themselves. They do it for their own selfish reasons. I honestly do believe it's a way for them to keep you near and continuely 'hooked' "just in case"...

Sorry, I went off on a tangent

/rant

January 8, 2009

Thats true about "friends" getting you hooked. Thier is no in between. I have learned that it leads to confusion and hurt. Go cold turkey on someone. Take a break from intensity. Pull back from confusion.

Watch time take hold and make things clear. It always does. But we never wait to find out because we are a culture of instant gratification.

I have never waited to find out and I have ruined every second chance that I could have ever had!! Seriously. About 6 of them. Ruined........cause I pushed things. I did not let clarity take hold. We are imperfect beings, but repeating the same needy bull**** is just stupid.

It doesn't take long, a week or so, if you guys "parted on good terms". Sometimes you need to reapproach things a week or so later. It helps tremendously.

People don't want to deal with someone elses relentless pursuit or desperation. It is highly unnatractive and unnappealing.

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if your happy and you know it ...think again , rant

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