RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Ok so I have been posting like a thousand threads today but I am so angry and hurt!!! I am supposed to be going on a cruise with my boyfriend in the morning and instead I am now single, crying in my bed. How can someone break it off with you because they say you deserve better and aren't ready to move in with you in 9 months?!!! How can they tell you they love you but hurt you so bad?!! I just want to call him and tell him how much I hate him. I want to say F you. How could you do this to me? I am so sad.... Dumped out of the blue when I thought everything was fine. And being so excited for the cruise. I got my first passport, bought a new bathing suit, worked out everyday for a month, checked the weather, planned the excursions and 5 days before he breaks it off with me!!!!!! Why do I deserve this much pain?
lonelygurl Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I'm sorry you are in such pain. I myself am going through the same thing. you will never know why. None of us really know why they do it. It is hard not to constantly think about them. I wish I knew all the answers. I'm a month into my break up and I'm not any better yet. So as of yet I can't say time heals. Just take it one moment at a time and do what you can to get through each moment. Movies have been my distraction. and sleeping. I'm barely functioning, but I have to somewhat because I have kids. So I am forced to a point to cook and stuff, but it is really hard. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety and this hasn't helped. I recommend reading on here for distraction. Read about grieving and the grieving process. Try to do no contact, although I have not myself...it is hard to do. I have also done some pleasure reading in short spurts. My daughter also has a pet chinchilla which I sit with and play. Anything to help you get through each and every moment. Cry when you need to, vomit when you need to, scream, freak out or whatever. Good luck.
Bella Jordan Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Why do I deserve this much pain? Answer? You don't. No one in your situation does. As someone who is going through a similar experience, I can completely relate to being bedridden with tears and unable to eat. I've been through a devastating break up just once before and, while I can tell you that time heals all wounds, I can also tell you that knowing that doesn't make it any easier in the short-term. It really is all about taking it one step at a time, and trying to find ways to distract yourself in the interim. Look for little things that make you smile or laugh, whether it's a pet or a book or a really cheesy movie. I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately, you may never know why he's done what he's done. I believe that he will contact you again eventually, but don't waste your time sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. Just know that you are enough, and that's okay to feel everything that you're feeling. Whatever you do, don't ignore your feelings at the expense of trying to understand his.
Riffmeister General Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Ok so I have been posting like a thousand threads today but I am so angry and hurt!!! I am supposed to be going on a cruise with my boyfriend in the morning and instead I am now single, crying in my bed. How can someone break it off with you because they say you deserve better and aren't ready to move in with you in 9 months?!!! How can they tell you they love you but hurt you so bad?!! I just want to call him and tell him how much I hate him. I want to say F you. How could you do this to me? I am so sad.... Dumped out of the blue when I thought everything was fine. And being so excited for the cruise. I got my first passport, bought a new bathing suit, worked out everyday for a month, checked the weather, planned the excursions and 5 days before he breaks it off with me!!!!!! Why do I deserve this much pain? Sounds like a similar situation to me. Supposed to have her with me now for a 3 week holiday in Canada, I'd planned everything, taken the time off work, bought a double bed for Christ's sake! Then she stays 1 night and breaks up with me for another guy, completely out of the blue. Now I'm sat in my room, depressed, lonely and hopeless. I don't know why this happens. Just when you're cruising along the highway, nothing in sight except blue skies, and then all of a sudden it's brought to a shuddering halt. Never felt pain like it. Main thing to realise (and quickly) is that you don't deserve it, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. This happens because rather than having the comforting thought of a higher power watching over us, we are merely a massive cosmic mistake, a billion-to-one shot that was bound to occur somewhere in the mind-boggling vastness of the universe. In a universe of infinite possibilities, it had to happen to someone. It's us, unfortunately, and all we can do is learn and accept it as not a massive setback, but an opportunity to triumph.
Author RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Sounds like a similar situation to me. Supposed to have her with me now for a 3 week holiday in Canada, I'd planned everything, taken the time off work, bought a double bed for Christ's sake! Then she stays 1 night and breaks up with me for another guy, completely out of the blue. Now I'm sat in my room, depressed, lonely and hopeless. I am so glad I found this site though. To know that others are going through the same thing. Isn't odd? We are in different countries yet both sitting on the computer crying over a broken heart that hit us out of no where. Some moments I am calm, others I am furious.
Riffmeister General Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I am so glad I found this site though. To know that others are going through the same thing. Isn't odd? We are in different countries yet both sitting on the computer crying over a broken heart that hit us out of no where. Some moments I am calm, others I am furious. Oh yeah, this site saved me for sure! I think knowing other people are in the same situation gives us 3 things - 1) the hope that if someone else has recovered from it, so can I, 2) a sense of camaraderie, that we'll get through this together and overcome, the combined might of our healing powers is greater than the sum of our parts, and 3) people to talk to that don't mind hearing it! Friends are great, but I've noticed now, a week after the event, as supportive as they've been, and as much in pain as I still am, they've kind of stopped being so attentive, as if they expect me to be over it by now. Must be hard to imagine this kind of pain, eh? I go through calm/rage cycles too. I see the onset of rage as a good thing, because I channel it into something else. I did my first post-breakup workout yesterday using it as motivation. Sure I hurt today, but it was worth it!
Author RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Friends are great, but I've noticed now, a week after the event, as supportive as they've been, and as much in pain as I still am, they've kind of stopped being so attentive, as if they expect me to be over it by now. Must be hard to imagine this kind of pain, eh? I know what you mean about friends... Most of mine think they are being helpful but I really don't want to hear he is an Ahole. I still love this person. If your girlfriend came back to you would you take her? I find it hard to say I wouldn't take mine back since he didn't actually do anything wrong.. Maybe other than jumping the gun without talking to me first.
Riffmeister General Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I know what you mean about friends... Most of mine think they are being helpful but I really don't want to hear he is an Ahole. I still love this person. If your girlfriend came back to you would you take her? I find it hard to say I wouldn't take mine back since he didn't actually do anything wrong.. Maybe other than jumping the gun without talking to me first. Yeah, I mean I don't expect them to be contacting me all the time, but they've gone back to complaining about little problems and stopped asking me how I'm doing... like I say, people have their own lives! Funny you should ask that. Right now, I'd make her sweat for a while, all the while knowing I would, yes. My housemate said something like "Well, you're not gonna take her back, are you?" and that made me feel stupid for wanting to. I still love her, and I'm not over this. I'm exactly the same as you, mine didn't actually do anything wrong, except dragging it out for a month while I had no idea and waiting till she got out here to tell me instead of being honest earlier. She never even told this other guy how she felt until she told me tho, so she didn't cheat. My aim is to get to the point where I wouldn't want her back, even if I was single. Wow, what a dream...!
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 RG - I'm in the same boat as you. I think at this point, my friends are tired of hearing me whine and overanalyze the situation...which is difficult for me, because I know that talking about it is the only way I'm going to be able to cope with and move past it. And like you, I know that right now if he came back to me and begged forgiveness, I would take him back. I feel awful for saying that, but it's only been a week and I do still love him. We were going to get married, and I'd never before met anyone with whom knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, I wouldn't make it easy for him - he's made his share of mistakes too and I can't be to blame for all our problems. I just wish I knew how to reach the point where I'm not spending all day everyday wondering where he is and what he's doing because of the NC.
malibustacydoll Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I know it may hurt more but the "you deserve better" reason for breaking up with you really is bs. That is a common line people say when they want to try to let you off easy. You should believe that yourself and move on. However, there are probably other motives on his end. He knows when he says that then there isn't a lot you can argue, versus if he told you the truth it might of made the situation worse in his eyes. As hard as it is you really have to forget about him. Maybe in a while if you talk to him again you may get the real reasons.
Riffmeister General Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 RG - I'm in the same boat as you. I think at this point, my friends are tired of hearing me whine and overanalyze the situation...which is difficult for me, because I know that talking about it is the only way I'm going to be able to cope with and move past it. And like you, I know that right now if he came back to me and begged forgiveness, I would take him back. I feel awful for saying that, but it's only been a week and I do still love him. We were going to get married, and I'd never before met anyone with whom knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, I wouldn't make it easy for him - he's made his share of mistakes too and I can't be to blame for all our problems. I just wish I knew how to reach the point where I'm not spending all day everyday wondering where he is and what he's doing because of the NC. I think mine are too! But I really don't want to seem ungrateful for their help. Weirdly, the best help's come from my ex-ex! She loves analysing stuff like this tho, so I suspect she's enjoying it! NC's having that effect on me too. But I think the answer is sticking to it will bring us to that point. When we're not constantly fed hints and reminders, we can clear our heads better. I think of it like this. I have a finite amount of information in my head about this whole thing. When I reach the point that I've analysed all that information and come to terms with it, I'll gradually stop thinking about it altogether. If I wasn't NC, I'd keep getting new information to deal with and then I'd never stop thinking about it. And thinking about it is stopping me from thinking other things, like starting to date again, moving on with my life, accomplishing the goals I have in mind. Just some thoughts...
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I think mine are too! But I really don't want to seem ungrateful for their help. Weirdly, the best help's come from my ex-ex! She loves analysing stuff like this tho, so I suspect she's enjoying it! NC's having that effect on me too. But I think the answer is sticking to it will bring us to that point. When we're not constantly fed hints and reminders, we can clear our heads better. I think of it like this. I have a finite amount of information in my head about this whole thing. When I reach the point that I've analysed all that information and come to terms with it, I'll gradually stop thinking about it altogether. If I wasn't NC, I'd keep getting new information to deal with and then I'd never stop thinking about it. And thinking about it is stopping me from thinking other things, like starting to date again, moving on with my life, accomplishing the goals I have in mind. Just some thoughts... I think what's hardest for me right now is him saying that he needed "some time" with NC....like it was this open-ended thing and now I'm sitting here, albeit pathetically, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. And then I get angry at myself for doing so and for allowing myself to feel the way I feel and being that girl. It's so frustrating!! But you're right - at least with NC I don't have more information to overanalyze and try to figure out. No more hanging on every single word! And at the risk of becoming a cliche, I almost wish that he had deleted me from his MySpace and Facebook accounts so I wouldn't have the temptation to look. Then again, I suppose I could delete him...I'm just worried that might send the signal that I'm being overly hostile. And trust me - after the argument we had a week ago and the things I allegedly said, that's the last thing I wanna be perceived as. What were the circumstances of your split, if you don't mind my asking? And how long have you been NC?
Riffmeister General Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I think what's hardest for me right now is him saying that he needed "some time" with NC....like it was this open-ended thing and now I'm sitting here, albeit pathetically, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. And then I get angry at myself for doing so and for allowing myself to feel the way I feel and being that girl. It's so frustrating!! But you're right - at least with NC I don't have more information to overanalyze and try to figure out. No more hanging on every single word! And at the risk of becoming a cliche, I almost wish that he had deleted me from his MySpace and Facebook accounts so I wouldn't have the temptation to look. Then again, I suppose I could delete him...I'm just worried that might send the signal that I'm being overly hostile. And trust me - after the argument we had a week ago and the things I allegedly said, that's the last thing I wanna be perceived as. What were the circumstances of your split, if you don't mind my asking? And how long have you been NC? That's the fear we all get, that we're being that person, but like I've said a number of times, we need feel guilty for nothing since the breakup. We are, as a court of law might judge, in a state of diminished responsibility. They don't like it, but they brought it upon themselves. Even though I brought on NC, I still sit by my computer waiting for her to send me an email or whatever. I know she won't cos at heart, she's a sweet girl and will be letting me have the space I've asked for. Wow, that was difficult to admit. As for deleting off Myspace and Facebook, I did that almost as the first thing, including her friends, but I sent her a quick email just saying it's nothing personal against them, I just don't need the reminders, so, as you say, I don't come across as hostile or childish. My split, briefly, went like this... 6 months of long-distance (I'm from London, UK but in Canada for a year), mad about one another (it'd been quite the saga for 4 years, so was a "FINALLY we're together" moment!), then she comes over at Christmas for 3 weeks, after 1 night she tells me because I haven't been there with her, she's been having feelings for another guy for a month or so, and has been confused. Nothing had happened and she hadn't even told him, but she knew he liked her cos he'd made a pass (IN FULL KNOWLEDGE SHE WAS WITH ME, THE CREEP!) She came over to see if it felt right again, but it didn't, so she went home to be with him. Bummer.
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 That's the fear we all get, that we're being that person, but like I've said a number of times, we need feel guilty for nothing since the breakup. We are, as a court of law might judge, in a state of diminished responsibility. They don't like it, but they brought it upon themselves. Even though I brought on NC, I still sit by my computer waiting for her to send me an email or whatever. I know she won't cos at heart, she's a sweet girl and will be letting me have the space I've asked for. Wow, that was difficult to admit. As for deleting off Myspace and Facebook, I did that almost as the first thing, including her friends, but I sent her a quick email just saying it's nothing personal against them, I just don't need the reminders, so, as you say, I don't come across as hostile or childish. My split, briefly, went like this... 6 months of long-distance (I'm from London, UK but in Canada for a year), mad about one another (it'd been quite the saga for 4 years, so was a "FINALLY we're together" moment!), then she comes over at Christmas for 3 weeks, after 1 night she tells me because I haven't been there with her, she's been having feelings for another guy for a month or so, and has been confused. Nothing had happened and she hadn't even told him, but she knew he liked her cos he'd made a pass (IN FULL KNOWLEDGE SHE WAS WITH ME, THE CREEP!) She came over to see if it felt right again, but it didn't, so she went home to be with him. Bummer. I'm SO unbelievably sorry. That's terrible! And yes, the guy that made a pass at her IS a total creep! I just have no sympathy for that sort of behavior. At least wait til the person is out of his/her relationship. And after 4 years and 6 months of LD, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Then again, on the one hand, I suppose I do respect her for being honest and telling you that she thought she was having feelings for another guy, rather than cheating on you with him behind your back. As the one who initiated the NC, do you feel like - after a certain point - she should at least make an attempt? I guess what I'm saying is, do you actually respect her more for adhering to the NC rule? I feel like I'm in the same position as your ex - trying to be kind and give him the space that he's requested. Then again, he's the one who left me - how much more NC can there be?
Riffmeister General Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I'm SO unbelievably sorry. That's terrible! And yes, the guy that made a pass at her IS a total creep! I just have no sympathy for that sort of behavior. At least wait til the person is out of his/her relationship. And after 4 years and 6 months of LD, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Then again, on the one hand, I suppose I do respect her for being honest and telling you that she thought she was having feelings for another guy, rather than cheating on you with him behind your back. As the one who initiated the NC, do you feel like - after a certain point - she should at least make an attempt? I guess what I'm saying is, do you actually respect her more for adhering to the NC rule? I feel like I'm in the same position as your ex - trying to be kind and give him the space that he's requested. Then again, he's the one who left me - how much more NC can there be? Thanks for the kind words. We were only together for the 6 months long distance (it was that "why does this opportunity have to come when you're leaving?!" type thing, when we'd known each other (and liked each other) for 4 years. But she was adamant she wasn't going to let me get away again (wasted opportunities abound!). And yeah, you know, that's one of the hardest things, I respect her too for not doing anything, but that makes it hard to be mad at her! She still strung me along for the last month tho, pretending (VERY WELL) that all was ok. YES! I do feel like I want her to make an effort despite me initiating NC, but not for a while, for months, I'm saying. Right now I respect her for not breaking it, but then I think she isn't so she doesn't have to face up to what she's done. For one, I want her to email me saying she's made a terrible mistake. That might not become obvious, if true, for months tho. The other thing tho is after, say, 6 months, coming up to when she knows I'll be back in the UK, I'd like to think she'd contact me, asking if I was ok, am I coming home etc, just out of polite curiosity, just to show she hasn't just forgotten me. Dunno if that'll happen. What I'm saying is, it would be nice, since she dumped me, to let me know I still mean SOMETHING to her by getting in contact, but not for quite a while, which I suspect she won't. Since your situation is the other way round, it's really up to him to initiate contact again. If you let him, then you can at least say you did everything he asked for.
Bella Jordan Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for the kind words. We were only together for the 6 months long distance (it was that "why does this opportunity have to come when you're leaving?!" type thing, when we'd known each other (and liked each other) for 4 years. But she was adamant she wasn't going to let me get away again (wasted opportunities abound!). And yeah, you know, that's one of the hardest things, I respect her too for not doing anything, but that makes it hard to be mad at her! She still strung me along for the last month tho, pretending (VERY WELL) that all was ok. YES! I do feel like I want her to make an effort despite me initiating NC, but not for a while, for months, I'm saying. Right now I respect her for not breaking it, but then I think she isn't so she doesn't have to face up to what she's done. For one, I want her to email me saying she's made a terrible mistake. That might not become obvious, if true, for months tho. The other thing tho is after, say, 6 months, coming up to when she knows I'll be back in the UK, I'd like to think she'd contact me, asking if I was ok, am I coming home etc, just out of polite curiosity, just to show she hasn't just forgotten me. Dunno if that'll happen. What I'm saying is, it would be nice, since she dumped me, to let me know I still mean SOMETHING to her by getting in contact, but not for quite a while, which I suspect she won't. Since your situation is the other way round, it's really up to him to initiate contact again. If you let him, then you can at least say you did everything he asked for. I think you have an excellent mindset and outlook. Even though you initiated the NC, she was the one that terminated the relationship and left you with a broken heart. So yes, it is up to her to make contact...eventually. And to be perfectly honest with you, I suspect that she wants to right now but, as you said, is choosing not to out of respect for your feelings. Nonetheless, I'm sure that somewhere down the road she will do so, if only because she still cares for you despite everything that's happened. I think it'd be impossible not to given your history together. I'm definitely taking your advice and keep up my end of the deal as far as the NC is concerned. Then again, I was the one that told him over the phone that we were "done"...which prompted a sort of "look I just need time" response from him. And the waiting is the hardest part. What's worse is that we both are from a very small town and the likelihood that we'll run into one another at some point or another is substantial. In fact, it's what caused the argument in the first place. I'm really not sure how I'll handle it, other than ignore him and, as we agreed, make absolutely no contact.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Hey, It has nothing to do with deserving or not deserving. No one deserves to get hurt by the one they loved and trusted. My guy and I were having such a great crack with one another- we dated for two months and everything was fun, intense, awesome. I remember the day he went "blank" on me. I asked him about coming for x-mas and he shut shut off. I literally saw and felt it happening... Anyway- my point is that I DID see him last night after 3 weeks. first time since we broke up. I DID get answers from him. What came out of our closure meeting (besides a good crack and some sex) was that I realized... IT'S NOT ME. It really is him. That is one good thing that came out of our meeting- that I realized that he has issues that are out of my control, and also out of his control obviously. I was internalizing his issues to commit and thinking something was wrong with me. After spending last night drinking, talking and venting... I walked away feeling better. All his reasons for not being able to endear himself to me have nothing to do with me. One suggestion for you.... If you have your passport and some time, why not take a trip by yourself? I did that- I booked a trip to Florida BY MYSELF about 24 hours after the break up. It didn't negate the pain... but it helped in other ways. I felt empowered and independant... You may or may not get answers as to why.... So, create your own answers and solutions. I felt like I got inside my ex's head last night. What makes me feel better is that it aint pretty. Think about taking a trip on your own!
hoartiosans Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 The girl who dumped me, dumped me out of the blue too, It's obvious in hindsight that there were issues going on in her head, that she didn't talk to me about. A mature adult, talks about feelings they're having, regardless of whether they think it'll matter, they have a responsibility to try for the sake of the relationship and that person they loved and loved them so much back. People who make these kind of decisions about relationships sicken me, people who can just quit on relationships and throw everything they had away without any real thought or consideration, are disgusting.
Recommended Posts