LucreziaBorgia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 She will stay married for as long as you tolerate her being married while seeing her. If you want her to make a choice, give her a real choice to make: As long as she is married, she is dead to you - completely. No contact. None, nada, zilch. She can speak to you again when she shows you signed, notarized and finalized divorce papers and a lease to her new place. If you want to see what her true intentions are, you will have to put her in a position to choose. I would caution you though - she isn't likely to land on your side of the fence when you knock her off. When you walk away, prepare yourself to make it permanent. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 There is no way to know with certainty if her allegations of abuse are true. Can you corroborate any of this independently? I don't mean by consulting with others that she may have made allies by virtue of feeding them the same allegations. Is there anything concrete you have witnessed or is documented? I ask because it is so common that it is almost as if all WS's have read the same script making allegations such as these. You need ot factor in her need to justify her actions both to others and to herslf in examining her allegations. Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Thanks, we have had a few very passionate kisses with the help of alcohol but it's stopped there. We're both pretty adament about that. I wonder how you'd feel about all this if her husband's fist came smashing into your mouth and knocked several of your teeth out. LOL! I'd love to find out that happens to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drew78 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Well I took everybodys advice and I did like I said I was gonna do. We met...talked , and I told her that we couldnt talk anymore until she decided what she wanted. She agreed it was the right thing to do. I actually feel better but I know it's going to hurt at the same time. I'm leaving the area for 3 weeks and there won't be any available means for contact so this is a good start. I'll jump back on from time to time ....HA I'll probably need to anyhow. I told her about this place and everything everybody has said. She agreed about everything except for her lying to me. She swears she's been 100% honest and open with me during all this. I trust her, even as crazy as that sounds....i do. Anyhow, Thanks to everybody who had something constructive and positive to offer. We both thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'm leaving the area for 3 weeks and there won't be any available means for contact so this is a good start. Oh, that is a real blessing! Good timing. Best of luck to both of you. Be sure to come back and post, especially when the missing/longing phase kicks in. We're here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Well I took everybodys advice and I did like I said I was gonna do. We met...talked , and I told her that we couldnt talk anymore until she decided what she wanted. She agreed it was the right thing to do. I actually feel better but I know it's going to hurt at the same time. I'm leaving the area for 3 weeks and there won't be any available means for contact so this is a good start. I'll jump back on from time to time ....HA I'll probably need to anyhow. I told her about this place and everything everybody has said. She agreed about everything except for her lying to me. She swears she's been 100% honest and open with me during all this. I trust her, even as crazy as that sounds....i do. Anyhow, Thanks to everybody who had something constructive and positive to offer. We both thank you. Just let me tell you this, PLEASE stick with this and let the chips fall where they may.. Don't "actively" wait for her. If she comes, GREAT, even better. WHat a pleasant, loving suprise... Think about it. A Hallmark Movie moment. IF she doesn't, you are already down your personal road. It will be the hardest thing you can do, and in reading your above post, you are filled with HOPE, which will quickly turn its ugly face to desperation and panic.. Just set it aside in EVERY possible way. It will still be there, but just put it all in a shoe box and store it in a closet. That way you know where it is and you can manage your days going forward... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drew78 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Oh, that is a real blessing! Good timing. Best of luck to both of you. Be sure to come back and post, especially when the missing/longing phase kicks in. We're here for you! Thanks..yeah I'll definitely be coming back. I'm sure I'll need it. Just let me tell you this, PLEASE stick with this and let the chips fall where they may.. Don't "actively" wait for her. If she comes, GREAT, even better. WHat a pleasant, loving suprise... Think about it. A Hallmark Movie moment. IF she doesn't, you are already down your personal road. It will be the hardest thing you can do, and in reading your above post, you are filled with HOPE, which will quickly turn its ugly face to desperation and panic.. Just set it aside in EVERY possible way. It will still be there, but just put it all in a shoe box and store it in a closet. That way you know where it is and you can manage your days going forward... Yeah , I'm gonna be stickin to my guns. This really is the only way to figure out if it was really meant to be or not. It's definitely gonna be a struggle but i have faith. I'm not gonna sit by the phone but I'm gonna be really cautious about getting involved with someone else. I know I should just move on and live my life, but to me I'd feel wrong and wouldn't seem fair to the OW if I was in love with someone else. Thanks man Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I wonder how you'd feel about all this if her husband's fist came smashing into your mouth and knocked several of your teeth out. LOL! I'd love to find out that happens to you! Warm, sympathetic and constructive answers like this are definitely going to endear you to ladies on this forum who MIGHT have considered PMing you and meeting up. Not. Very much in the spirit of the place, aren't you? Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 This really is the only way to figure out if it was really meant to be or not. It's definitely gonna be a struggle but i have faith. You fool, it's not meant "to be". She is already married. She is with someone right now. It's not meant to be with you, never was and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drew78 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 You fool, it's not meant "to be". She is already married. She is with someone right now. It's not meant to be with you, never was and never will. Ya know I was once again going to just ignore you....but I couldn't resist searching your posts and threads trying to figure out why you were being such a douche bag. To see that you are actually trying to find a date on a website full of people who are emotionally distraught and seeking advice.... looks like you need as much advice as we do my friend. Have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Ya know I was once again going to just ignore you....but I couldn't resist searching your posts and threads trying to figure out why you were being such a douche bag. To see that you are actually trying to find a date on a website full of people who are emotionally distraught and seeking advice.... looks like you need as much advice as we do my friend. Have a good day. At least I don't mess around with other men's wives and wreck marriages. Why does it surprise you that some people act like douche bags when reacting to your story? It's obvious that you are doing something which rubs some men the wrong way. Do you want me to pat you on the back and give you a box of kleenex? You're a big boy, you got this far with a married lady, what's wrong, can't take a little heat? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drew78 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 At least I don't mess around with other men's wives and wreck marriages. Why does it surprise you that some people act like douche bags when reacting to your story? It's obvious that you are doing something which rubs some men the wrong way. Do you want me to pat you on the back and give you a box of kleenex? You're a big boy, you got this far with a married lady, what's wrong, can't take a little heat? I don't need to take heat from somebody who obviously has nothing better to do than be bitter torwards people asking for help. Mentioning something about some guy knocking my teeth out is a good response to me asking for help and advice? OK your pissed because of what happened to you....thats fine.... I'm sorry.....but you dont even know me and I had **** to do with it. Me coming to ask for help is a step I shouldn't be condemned over like you obviously tried doing. Maybe instead some constructive criticism would suffice. Go take a cold shower. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I'm not gonna sit by the phone but I'm gonna be really cautious about getting involved with someone else. I know I should just move on and live my life, but to me I'd feel wrong and wouldn't seem fair to the OW if I was in love with someone else. Thanks man But. But. But. But. She's married to someone else. Do you think she thinks that's unfair to you? Obviously I'm stating the obvious , and I know how you feel, because I've felt/feel the same way too. It's like you would be cheating on them, even though you might tell them what's happening, and why. It still doesn't feel right. But why not? I read this from time to time in the Infidelity forum: I remember a poster called matty being outraged that his OW had the temerity to date others, and I couldn't help laugh how many condemned her for doing it either... she was apparently 'worthless' because she didn't save herself for a MM. Got to love hypocrisy. But I think I've got off the point. You're in that hideous position of waiting/not waiting and what to do about that. Stampdaddy called it 'actively waiting' vs. just being open if the phone rings. But it's a very very difficult road to walk and I don't envy you, in fact I'm more or less on it myself. However, if someone came into my life that I was interested in, I'd pursue it. I think we owe it to ourselves to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Drew78 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Almost 2 weeks of NC so far and this feeling tears me apart, but at the same time I feel relieved knowing that this is definitely the right move for both of us. Wow....I miss her sooooo much. Link to post Share on other sites
TOWinNYC Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hang in there Drew78. It's a hard place to be - to be in love with someone who has other "situations" that need to be cleared up in order to be with you. Everything happens for a reason and if the two of you are really meant to be together, it WILL happen. If not, the future is wide open for other possibilities.... even if it's difficult to see them now. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yes, you go , girl. A man will move mountains for the woman he loves. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 What are you doing to start filling the gap that's left by ending this relationship? Working out? New hobby? Old hobby? How are you filling your time? What are you using to occupy your attention while you're going through this right now? Link to post Share on other sites
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